Scott BresslerEditor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.
Hillary Clinton supporter Schlomo Morgenstern kicked Barack Obama supporter Seamus O’Malley in the nuts last Saturday at the annual St. Paddy’s Purim Jubilee.
Just days before his scheduled leave of office, Student Union President Neil Patel has announced a series of pardons that have shaken the Danforth University community.
Patel made heavy use of his power to pardon persons in the University community who have broken policy, made significant mistakes or brought shame to the community. The last pardons were handed down nearly three years ago by former President David Ader, who focused on ensuring that members of the Student Worker Alliance could complete their studies at the University.
One of Patel’s most controversial pardons went to Residential College Director Ozie Goodwin. In the spring of 2007, Goodwin accidentally started a fire while cooking in his Millbrook Apartment, causing the displacement of many Millbrook residents. In the fall of 2007, Goodwin again found himself in a troubling situation as he announced, contrary to the wishes of his supervisor, that Greenway residents who did not attend select floor programs may lose access to their own rooms.
Patel called the cases “a serious misunderstanding” and remarked that Goodwin is someone who “is very competent, especially in cleaning up the messes he has made.”
In one of his more controversial moves, Patel also pardoned Student Union and the College Republicans for the groups’ role in bringing former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales to campus.
“Everyone makes mistakes, including myself. Sure we sparked dialogue and incited students to use their fundamental right of protest by bringing [Gonzales] to campus. I just want to make sure our asses are covered.”
In a similar vein, Patel pardoned Chancellor Wrighton and the rest of the University administration for rejecting Sen. Barack Obama’s offer to come to campus.
“Since I’m covering my rear, I might as well cover theirs too,” said Patel.
One of Patel’s pardons, the result of alleged lobbying by Chancellor Wrighton and members of the current Board of Trustees, is directed at the 1976 Board of Trustees. It was this group that added the phrase “in St. Louis” to the University’s name, a change that has been called “short-sighted” and “idiotic.”
Patel’s final pardon was one that he said required a significant level of self-reflection and many sleepless nights.
“Given the nature of today’s world, and the dangers we face, I feel it is necessary to let bygones be bygones.”
Patel concluded, “Some may call it stupid, some may call it super. I will now take this moment to pardon the Lee 3 pooper.”
Scott BresslerEditor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.
Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.
After performing for just 22 minutes at the Gargoyle on Friday, pop singer Cascada was tasered 17 times by officers of the Danforth University Police Department (DUPD).
Cascada, whose contract stipulated that she play for at least a half hour, was about to exit the stage after her fifth song when she was seized by five DUPD officers, 11 B&D security personnel and a few disgruntled students.
Chief of Police Dawn Storm says that his force welcomed the opportunity to abuse its power at the concert.
“I guess our official reason for the seizure was her breach of contract, but the truth is that I just really dislike Cascada’s music,” said Storm.
Storm had applied the first five taser shots personally.
“I mean, come on, every song sounds the exact same. I don’t know how anyone who isn’t on ecstasy could listen to this hogwash. When we saw that the crowd was angry, we just took out our stun guns and rolled with it,” he said.
Students did not seem to mind DUPD’s action, and some even cheered after Cascada was taken down.
“She was asking for it,” said Sarah Goldberg.
Goldberg had waited for three hours in the rain and ditched a test to see the concert.
“Frankly, I’d like to see more of this kind of retribution in the future. If George Clinton doesn’t deliver, I plan on P-Funking him myself,” she said.
Werner Von BraunEditor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.
In an attempt to alleviate the pressure on campus housing caused by growing enrollment, the Office of Residential Life (ResLife) has decided to enter all students into a Fight Club instead of the traditional lottery system.
Associate Assistant Deputy Vice Chancellor of Residential Life Jim Paulson says he hopes the plan will be a better alternative than the current system.
“We could have kept the lottery system in place since there was really nothing wrong with it, but this is just a lot more fun for everyone,” said Paulson.
Several students and parents have expressed concern over the danger posed to students, but ResLife says it should not be a problem.
“It’ll be fine…we make everyone buy health insurance, we might as well use it,” said Paulson.
Some students are happy with the new plan, because it gives them a better chance of getting the housing they want.
“I never would have gotten into a good dorm with the lottery number I have. This way, all I have to do is beat on a few sissies,” said six-foot-nine-inch sophomore Gary Stewart.
Fights are judged by ResLife staff and winners of fights improve their overall ranking and eventually make their selections. Fights take place at various locations around the South 40 and the Danforth Campus, such as the engineering machine shop, the roof of Brookings and the basement of Sigma Alpha Epsilon. Very few rules govern what participants are allowed to do during the fights.
“They really have a lot of room to be creative. That’s what we like to encourage here at the University. This is just one part of that effort. I’ve seen the students try just about everything to win these things. The competitive spirit is a great way to bring all of the students together,” said Paulson.
Scott BresslerEditor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.
On Wednesday, March 26 at around 9:12 p.m., Bear Patrol Escort Andrew Callingsworth apprehended an enormous grizzly bear outside of Whispers.
Before Callingsworth arrived on the scene, the cuddly culprit had been ambushing unsuspecting students.
“We got the report over the scanner right at the beginning of my shift,” said Callingsworth, “I threw on my bear-proof vest and sped over there from the 40. Unfortunately, it took about twenty minutes because my cruiser’s a golf cart.”
When he arrived on the scene Callingsworth reported fleeing students and the scent of bear. “If our intensive Bear Patrol training hadn’t taught us to literally sniff out these guys, I would’ve been a goner.”
The bear lunged but Callingsworth was able to escape in the cart and survey the situation. “The bear was naked and appeared inebriated,” he said, “so, following precedent, I tased it.”
The bear’s parents were notified, a nearby concert was broken up, and noted Danforth University alumnus Fozzie Renault said that he was, “shocked, absolutely shocked to find this kind of behavior going on at such an esteemed institution!”
The treatment of the bear has sparked outrage from students. Freshman Troy Bales, President of Bear Lovers of the World, said, “The use of a taser was completely out of line. It was only mauling students-that’s just what bears do.”
Callingsworth has defended his department’s actions.
“People somehow have the misconception that we’re only here to offer people rides from the library. We keep telling them that ‘Bear Patrol’ patrols for bears, but for some reason they just don’t listen.”
Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.
Looking back on this year, I’ve learned a lot. Today I woke up, and I was really tired! I realized that sometimes, sleep is important.
This year is my sophomore year. When it was my freshman year, I thought it was the most important year of them all. I thought the same thing my senior year of high school, back in Tinseltown, Indiana. But I realized when I woke up this morning that sophomore year was actually the most important.
Not only are you living with your friends, but you even have to pick a major. I don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life. And then I realized, while I was clipping my toenails, that that’s okay. We should all do what we want to do.
But then, as I walked to class and tried unsuccessfully to avoid acknowledging vague acquaintances, I realized that I am really busy. Boy! I hardly have time to comb my hair. And the real kicker is, I have a lot of stuff to do. What I learned is that Dan. U. students are very involved in activities!
But the funniest thing is, while I was walking past someone trying to give me a handout about clubbing baby seals, I noticed that there are lots of other problems in the world other than my homework. I sure worry a lot! But who knew that we were so insignificant? My problems are almost not important compared to the hardships many baby seals face.
But today, when I was sitting in the library studying for my underwater basket-weaving class, I looked around at all the people around me reading books too, and I realized, holy moley, I sure like college! There are a bunch of people just like me, and they’re smart too!
I can sit down and have a conversation about Plato’s relation to 19th century marine biology one second, and then binge drink until my liver explodes the very next second- with the same person. There sure is lots of funny stuff in college. I sure like it!
But what I really wanted to say was that, boy are we lucky, and college is hard, and funny things happen, and we should think about stuff sometimes and lots of things happen.These are the best four years of our lives! Oh boy!
Samantha is a sophomore in the College of Arts & Sciences. She enjoys piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. She also enjoys long walks along the beach and can be reached at [email protected] .
Scott BresslerLast week, I decided that it was time for me to get in shape. I hadn’t worked out in probably a decade. What was once a tight, cute and well-toned body had become flabby and slightly grotesque-it was still pretty cute, though.
Anyway, I entered our University’s state-of-the-art facilities, descended the staircase and went into the men’s locker room. Almost immediately, I saw something that I had long forgotten-butt-naked old men wandering around.
I returned to my fond memories of being a prepubescent boy at the Jewish Community Center (JCC) locker room and getting a chance to view countless nude geriatrics flaunt their amazing bodies in front of anyone who had the ability to see.
What a great and often not discussed benefit of staying healthy! In a way, my mental health was improved by seeing these men. They walked around freely, not embarrassed by their aged bodies. They knew, in their hearts, that there is nothing that males like seeing more than other males, particularly older ones, fully nude.
What’s better than seeing old men walk around naked? Watching them lather up and clean themselves. No need for shower curtains! They’re only nuisances.
What’s so great about this long-held practice of the locker room is that naked old guys aren’t few and far between-they’re everywhere! It’s impossible to avert your eyes, because at every turn, there they are. How amazing is that?
I’m so happy to learn that this locker room feature exists beyond the JCC. My only fear is that the practice is generational. I hope that it continues when the next generation reaches old age, and I can’t wait until I’m an old man.
When I’m an old man, I will make a firm commitment to go to a men’s locker room every day to walk around, shower and do who-knows-what-else completely naked-even if I’m not planning on working out. I want to make sure that the young boys of the future have the same opportunities that I had, and I’m going to do my best to ensure it.
Who’s with me?
Mister Fantasy is a freshman, but he loves to look at seniors. He can be found in the men’s locker room with his eyes wide open and can be reached via e-mail at [email protected].
Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.
We live in an ever-changing world, and that world is going paperless. With computers, e-mail, text messages and more, technology is advancing and the life-producing trees of our world may finally be spared. Danforth University is taking great strides to stay at the forefront of the environmentally conscious wave of reform with the construction of LEED certified buildings.
But there is one dark environmental leech that promises to suck our resources dry, and that leech is Student Life, the campus newspaper.
Three days a week, Student Life kills swaths of trees for the sole purpose of spreading useless information amongst the student body.
While we commend Student Life’s dedication to providing students with a thrice-weekly Sudoku, this does not excuse their wanton wastefulness. Does a Sudoku really need an eight or nine page preamble of tree-destroying nonsense? While these extra pages can be folded back to provide a more solid base for Sudoku-crazed students to scribble in their numbers during boring classes, a healthy planet takes greater precedence than a few pens punching through the paper.
The University is taking great pains to make the school super-environmentally friendly and, much to the delight of the Chancellor, U.S. News & World report has finally given the University a “passable” grade in their “hippie commune quality” section.
A paperless Student Life will be a commendable achievment that should allow Dan. U. to acheive the coveted “Ralph Nader” level of greenness. While some might argue that depriving the campus of Student Life would create an atmosphere of ignorance, Sudoku’s are readily available online.
Perhaps the University could siphon off some of its ever ballooning endowment to provide the students with iPhones. This way all students would have access to their daily puzzle fix (the Editorial Board does not endorse crossword puzzles but recognizes their popularity with certain types of people) but also Danforth students would finally achieve a level of awareness unheard of on this campus.
Students would be able to check headlines from top newspapers like the New York Times and USA Today without having to leave campus.
A Sudokuless campus is a sad campus, and we would never suggest that it is not a necessary part of college life. But we, as students, should not sit idly by while an outdated institution destroys our planet’s precious forests.
Scott BresslerEditor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.
After winning the national championship, the Washington University volleyball team went out and did the natural thing. Rather than partying, the entire team made a stop at the County Clerk’s office to get name changes. In total, 13 players changed their names to a variation of Ali.
The roster, which already had juniors Alli Alberts and Ali Crouch and freshman Ali Hoffman, now includes seniors Aleigh Spencer, Allie Bruegge, Ally Schuessler and Alee Leeper; juniors Aly Janak and Alleigh Morrison; sophomores Allee Montijo, Alie Brazeal, Aly Blood and Alle Albers; and freshmen Alley Varriano, Aley Penwill and Allay Kaminski.
“The name change has really helped team unity,” said Head Coach Allie Luenemann.
The Athletics Department had no role in encouraging the name change.
“The name change will make the announcer’s job much easier,” said Assistant Sports Information Director Alli Novicki.