Student Life Archives

The coat just sat there. Her boyfriend was in the gas station. To keep from peeking in his pocket, Missouri State University junior Kenvie Fischer had to play with a baseball she found on the ground.

She had no idea where they were going, but she had an idea of what might happen there.

She and Ben Hurst had been dating on and off since he was in eighth grade and she was in seventh.

“We started dating [again] at the end of April,” said Hurst. “Three weeks later, I went ring shopping.”

He knew how he would do it. He would pretend to tie a bow on her dress to get on one knee. He would give her flowers with a card that read, “Say yes.”

But while the question of “whether” was easy, the question of “where” was more difficult. He finally found a company called the Fremont Dinner Train. The owners renovated four 1940s train cars into moving restaurants which circle around 18 miles of scenic landscape in Fremont, Neb.

Location is often the most important factor for men who are proposing, according to Father Gary Braun of the Catholic Student Center.

“Most of the time they pick a place with a common significance,” said Braun.

For instance, about eight times in the past 16 years, students who met in the Catholic Student Center also became engaged there. One man met his wife at his adult baptism; she was the liturgical dancer for the ceremony. He proposed two months ago.

Not surprisingly, Father Braun has never proposed himself. But he does assist with many proposals every year. He sees enough proposals to recognize the patterns.

“There are always tons of tears,” he said. “Tons of tears.”

He has such a reputation in the marriage department that sometimes he gets unexpected requests.

Four years ago, a Jewish student called him. He had met his girlfriend at Washington University and had heard about Father Braun.

“I’d like to propose to her at the top of Brookings Tower,” said Allen Mattison. “I heard that if anybody could do this, it was you.”

Braun did in fact help Mattison, pull it off. Braun set up a table with wine at the center of the roof and left the door unlocked; that way the groom-to-be could pretend that he found it unlocked while he and his girlfriend were exploring the building.

At a certain point, the new fiancés both looked over the edge, and Braun was waiting to take their picture from the bottom.

But while men seem to be primarily concerned with the beauty or significance of the place, women are more concerned with timing.

“I know 20 to 30 couples where the woman proposed first,” said Braun, “and almost always it was a perfect moment rather than a perfect place.”

There is also a third option. Some couples go for the event, the spectacle. Braun remembers one Washington University couple, for instance, who shimmied up the drainpipe of the Athletic Complex and proposed at the top.

A New York medical student Yaron Markfeld also chose an unusual proposal.

His fiancée, law school student Natalie Benhamou, remembers not wanting to go to her Entertainment Law class on the day of a guest speaker. Her teachers were the lawyers who represent the rapper Nelly, and a friend convinced her to attend by saying that Nelly himself might show up.

Near the end of class, the teacher stopped the actual speakers, who were in fact record producers, to introduce another guest speaker. Before Markfeld walked out, Benhamou thought, “Oh my God, it’s actually Nelly!” She couldn’t have guessed what would actually happen.

In the end, there is not much I can say about how to propose. It’s done in almost any way you can imagine, any place, any time. There is not a lot in common from proposal to proposal.

But I can say one thing, based on the advice of Father Braun: bring some tissues.

Scott Bressler

She lay on the bed, spread eagle, one arm sultrily placed above her head, revealing every curve of her nearly naked body. The other hand slowly traced the line of her lace panties as she struggled to keep her heart from pounding out of her chest. Her mouth went dry as he said these words: I want to explore you, let my hands cover every inch of your body, although they might linger on some parts longer than others.

“Hold on, my mom’s on call waiting,” she responded, in the husky tone she had grown so used to.

Ahh, the infamous sexy phone conversation. Perhaps it was as uncomfortable for you to read as it was for us to write. Or perhaps you’re rather intrigued and turned on. Our purpose is to assure you that both mentalities are completely normal, but the latter can really spice up your life, if you know what we’re saying.

Why phone sex, you ask? Well, according to Facebook, 20 percent of people in the Wash. U. network are listed as “in a relationship,” and that’s not even including those of you who think you’re too cool to put up your relationship status. Undoubtedly, many of these are long-distance relationships, and it can get lonely when your significant other is 500 miles away (or sometimes even when they live on the other side of campus). We’re not here to judge; we’re here to help.

Like most sexual activities, the first time will probably be uncomfortable. So take a deep breath, relax your muscles, and lower your voice by at least half an octave before that first, “Hey baby, what are you wearing?”

Hopefully that first phrase will release a storm of passion and your pornographic alter ego will kick in. However, it is likely that your cheeks will flush and you will release little more than a nervous giggle. Don’t back down in the early stages of phone foreplay. It may help to use some of these default lines to get going and minimize the initial discomfort:

“I love it when you put your _____ all over my _____.”

“The taste of your _____ makes me want to ______.”

“I’m taking off my ______ and imagining that you’re nibbling on my _____.”

Think of it as a fun little game of Mad Libs, except it’s the special edition kind that gets you off. If you’re at a loss for words, a moan, sigh or gasp will usually do the trick. Be aware of just how enthusiastic you’re getting, though-you wouldn’t want your neighbors to call EST. Feel free to switch up the tense of your conversation, too. Many people like to use the present tense, but we’re personally fans of the conditional.

If this is just too much for you, you might consider starting out with IMs or text messages. There’s more time for planning and revising what you’re going to say, and it is less aggressive, as well. Be poetic, in that Walt Whitman kind of way.

On the other hand, maybe phone sex is just not enough. Our suggestion is to upgrade to using props during the act or perhaps video chat. If that doesn’t do it for you, seek professional help.

Last but not least, just because it isn’t actual intercourse doesn’t mean you don’t have to use protection. Make sure you lock your door.

St Louis has a pretty active bar and club scene, with places you can go to drink, dance to any type of music and maybe meet someone new. In that respect, gay bars are no different. St Louis is home to 15-20 (depending on who you ask) gay, lesbian or queer-friendly bars and clubs.

But wait. Are gay and lesbian bars a different breed than the rest? What defines gay club etiquette? To spare our loyal readers from potential faux pas, I present to you Student Life’s investigation of the gay scene, packed with nuggets of wisdom for the gay and straight alike.

The basics:

The first thing you should know is that first impressions matter. How you present yourself and how you react can set the tone for the whole evening. To explain, I’ve enlisted the help of three experts: Shane Mullen, a 24-year-old bartender, Mitch Perry, 24, and their heterosexual friend Lauren Rapp, 31.

“You have to make yourself comfortable,” said Mullen.

“Everyone literally has one eye on the door, and if you walk in not confident, people are going to see that immediately. Your first two seconds in a bar [should be] you, your head up, smiling, laughing, looking confident,” added Perry. “You just need to have confidence when you walk into any bar, gay or straight.”

Pragmatically, Rapp chimed in, “Or [be] on your phone, even if you’re not talking to someone, because they think you have a friend in here you’re meeting.”

But allow me to backtrack. You first have to know your venue. You should decide beforehand if you want a bar or a club, though it’s not always that simple. Establishments blur the lines and can change their atmosphere on different nights of the week, and people may disagree on how to categorize a particular place.

Also, different bars and clubs cater to different types. For example, the bar JJ’s appeals to bikers and leather types, and walking in unknowingly has caught more than a few off guard.

“First time I walked into JJ’s was a weekday night. It’s very small and very dark, and it was terrifying. But they’re my peeps now and I love them. I love hairy, beary leather guys,” said Rapp.

You might be wondering what you should do if you venture out to one of these venues alone. The answer is: Don’t sweat it.

“At some point, you might have to go alone, but no one is going to stare down at you or think bad of you because of that,” said Perry.

“It’s easy to make friends at a gay bar; people are just so friendly,” added Mullen. “If you are a friendly person yourself, you’ll make friends there.”

How to make friends and/or benefits:

I wish I had an easy answer for you, but did you really expect one? Though, maybe these quotes will help.

“I love it when a guy will come up and dance with me. I love it when they’ve got balls. That’s what I look for,” said Perry.

Mullen suggests starting in a group and then branching out.

“If you’re dancing with a group of people you know, and there’s someone relatively close, you can pull them into your group and slowly break away. Its up to your friends to know ‘hey, they wanna dance alone,'” said Mullen.

On the other hand, someone who you just don’t want might want to dance with you. There’s a way to escape with your dignity and theirs mostly intact.

“If I don’t want them, I’ll say ‘I’m going to go find my friends,'” said Perry. “I don’t give any indication I’m coming back.Never just say ‘I’m getting a drink,’ because they’ll say, ‘Cool, I’ll come too.'”

Another suggestion came from junior Daniel Barks.

“Getting rid of unwanted creepy guy can be tricky. I’d probably just play the important incoming call game. You know, ‘Sorry, I should take this. Later!’ You could also be straightforward, but I’d avoid relying on that,” said Barks. “Unwanted creepy guy is probably hip enough to know when he’s not wanted without having to deal with the psychological trauma of being shot down directly.”

Barks had a few other tips for gay bar conduct to keep you from giving the wrong message.

“You should always be aware that any eye contact, especially sustained for more than just a split second, can and probably will be understood as a come on,” said Barks. “If it was an accident, you should try to be understanding if that creepy guy across the room heads your way. He thought he had a shot.”

If you do find yourself meeting someone you like, especially if you’re drunk and dancing (as one tends to be in these places), you might be tempted to go all out right then and there. But please, have some discretion with the PDA. You don’t want to be ‘that guy’, as an anonymous junior advised. Have some self-pride.

Oh, and for god’s sake, leave the bartenders alone!

“I never accept an invitation to go out with someone while I’m on the job. I’ve had playful flirtation, but I’ve never given anyone my number,” said Mullen.

I promise I did not forget lesbians:

So far you’ve had plenty of good advice, but mostly from gay men. Can it be applied across the board? The situation may be somewhat different for lesbians, according to senior Betsy Rubinstein.

“The primarily women-oriented [bars] tend to be less intense,” said Rubenstein. “Clubs that are more lesbian tend to be more low key or neighborhood type bars, while guys’ [places] tend to be more clubs, louder music, more dancing, more lights everywhere. It feels different.” Rubenstein described lesbian places as more “homey” and “earthy.”

“In men’s clubs, things tend to be a lot more stereotypically ‘gayer,'” she added. “It’s difficult to articulate.”

Bars and clubs may be lesbian-centered, gay-male-centered or mixed. And even though a club caters mainly to one type, there’s no rule against going in there anyway. Just be prepared for a potential mix-up.

“Gay bars can be funny for me, because I’m pretty androgynous-looking,” said Rubenstein. “This New Year’s, I was at a gay bar in Chicago.and suddenly I notice this guy staring at me. You could tell he was really interested in me and wanted me.” Rubenstein said he zoomed in and she started dancing with him (for lack of any space to do otherwise). “He started getting touchy, and felt down my chest a bit. Then he stops right over my tits and asks, ‘Uhh, are you a girl?’ and I’m like ‘Yeah.’ That’s not the first time that’s happened, either,” said Rubinstein. “I don’t think a woman would’ve pursued me so vigorously.”

If you’re lazy and straight, skip to this part:

Don’t let me give you the wrong impression. Just because a place is ‘gay’ or ‘lesbian’ doesn’t mean straight people aren’t welcome-far from it. Freshman Michael Greenwald decided to take his chances on an 18+ gay club on a visit to Washington D.C. and was pleasantly surprised.

“A gay club is infinitely more fun than a straight club,” said Greenwald. “I have taken the buses from the business school to the straight clubs in St. Louis and none of them compared to the gay club in D.C. The music was better, the lighting was amazing, and the atmosphere was just crazy,” said Greenwald. “I mostly danced with the people in my group of friends, so at times, I forgot I was even in a gay club.”

Worried about being picked up by another guy/girl at a gay club? Well, grow up, sissy.

“Basically, if you are straight and someone of the same sex tries to hit on you, tell them outright that you are straight,” advised Greenwald. “[My gay friend I came with] assured me that no one would be offended and that most likely they would be happy for not wasting their time.”

However, (and I’m looking at you here, sketchy males), don’t assume that going to a gay bar means you’re a shoe-in for any straight people in the crowd. You’re probably going home alone.

“Straight girls don’t typically go to gay bars when they want to hook up,” said Mullen. “My girlfriends do not want to go to gay bars when they want to find someone, but they’ll go to gay bars with me when they have a boyfriend, you betcha.”

The short version:

So it seems gay bars really aren’t that much different than straight bars. Depending on where you go, you can find quiet, classy, clubby or downright skanky. Gay or straight, you can probably find an atmosphere that suits you and lets you have fun. So don’t be afraid to try something new.

But for many gays and lesbians, bars and clubs are something more. It’s a place to meet people, to make friends, to find support and maybe find love. Simply put, it’s a bedrock of the community.

“At a gay bar, there is this comfort, this feeling of being comfortable in your own skin, because one, people tend to drink which removes some inhibitions, but also, you know you’re in a safe space where you can be gay or queer and no one is going to judge you,” said Rubinstein.

Richard Feynman, Pacman Jones and Dennis Rodman-all great men, all leaders in their respective fields. All frequent strip club patrons.

Coincidence? I think not.

Strip clubs are, as defined by noted social commentator Chris Rock, “a place for all the married men of America.” As a demographic with a decent amount of discretionary income, these men are the driving economic force behind the $5 billion strip club industry. This capital is concentrated in relatively few hands: A mid-sized club can generate $15,000-$20,000 in revenue on a Saturday night, and a stripper with an absolute advantage can earn nearly $1,000 in a night.

But how are these lucrative businesses structured? How equitable is the distribution of wealth? What is the marginal utility of an additional hour on the pole? Economists were dying to know, and as my capstone experience I elected to conduct a microeconomic positive analysis of the strip club industry.

What I discovered was a startlingly efficient business model revolving around independent contractors-the strippers. In contrast to regular employees, strippers retain more control over hours worked, jobs accepted and the quality of their performance. Cinnamon, a dancer at a local gentlemen’s club, gave me some hard data about strippers’ tax requirements.

“As independent contractors we’re required to fill out 1099-MISCs,” she said. “The paperwork’s a breeze and we can deduct any work-related expenses, like tear-away pants and 8-inch glass heels.”

Because the clubs provide the stage area and any private rooms utilized, many require payment from strippers at the onset of the evening. The strippers, in turn, keep any and all tips. The initial direction of the cash flow sheds light on two elementary paradoxes evident in all strip clubs.

1) The ugly stripper paradox. The club has an incentive to get as many dancers on the stage as possible, as a part of their revenue is directly proportional to the number of strippers stripping. Naturally, there is a scarcity of attractive women, ergo, ugly strippers. However, while the invisible hand of the market economy fills attractive strippers’ g-strings with singles, it tends to gently usher ugly strippers offstage. The remaining ugly strippers are a product of asymmetrical information. There is a finite time most men have at a strip club, so they might settle for a less attractive stripper if they don’t know a more attractive one is just a few songs away.

2) The over-enthusiastic stripper paradox. We’ve all seen them-dedicated strippers who literally work their pants off for any dollar they can get. What’s driving these women, in addition to professional pride, is the expense of working. If the stripper makes a $30 payment at the beginning of the night, then most of her first hour would be spent just getting back into the green.

Rational people respond to incentives, so having strippers start their shift with a deficit gives them strong encouragement to dance the night away. This effect is magnified for average-looking strippers, who don’t garner as much in tips, and over-enthusiastic strippers tend to be average-looking.

Clubs also draw revenue from cover charges and the sale of complementary goods such as alcohol and cigars. Though the clubs’ independent-contractor relationship with their strippers somewhat limits their legal liability, in most cases, clubs hire bouncers to maintain a positive working environment. Bouncers are paid at a flat, hourly rate, and in some cases the strippers are also required to tip them at the end of the shift.

Demand for strip clubs seems fairly inelastic, as moves by the states of Texas and Nevada to tax strip clubs (sometimes by 25-30 percent) have been met with little industry resistance (this also indicates that strip club tax rates are currently on the upward-sloping side of the Laffer curve). The customer’s relative purchasing power also has little effect on strip club attendance-the wealthy visit just as often as the poor. However, price discrimination (usually having a weekday college or trucker night) is often utilized to increase market penetration and increase consumer surplus. Ultimately, though, strip clubs market luxury goods; holistically these facts suggest a kinked demand curve.

Although this article provides a solid introduction to the economic workings of the strip club industry, its length means it cannot begin to reflect all the conclusions I’ve made in my hours of (rather expensive) fieldwork, and by no means should it be taken as the 21st century’s first definitive work on stripper economics.

Rather, this article was meant merely to arouse interest in the subject and provide a springboard for future studies. Important questions clearly remain: How slim is the profit margin of a club that opens at noon on a Monday? Would Washington University benefit from adopting the independent contractor business model? What are the effects of strip clubs on substitute goods such as meaningful relationships and pornography? If nothing else, it would probably do everyone good to consider the trade-offs of taking it off.

One-night stands can be some of the most interesting and freeing sexual experiences of all. You can be more forthright and demanding about your desires. As long as you know you can enjoy physical pleasure without a long-term commitment to somebody, there ought to be no shame in enjoying one-night stands with like-minded people-as long as you follow a few basic ground rules in order to protect yourself.

The first rule of a one-night stand is to look out for your own safety. This holds true whether you have met someone for the first time or you’re being sexual for the first time with an acquaintance. Before going anywhere alone with them, talk to them in public for long enough to get a read on them. It’s not a perfect barometer, but you need to make sure you feel comfortable with this person out of the bedroom before you try anything in the bedroom. Also, keep a cell phone with you and tell friends where you will be. Whether you are bringing a partner home or going to another person’s place, if anything goes wrong, you can call a friend or even the authorities if you need help getting out of a problematic situation. The odds are you won’t need to do this, but there is always some chance.

The second rule of a one-night stand: always use protection. It doesn’t matter if the other person claims that sex will feel better without it, or claims that you can trust them. You don’t want to get pregnant from a one-night stand, and you don’t want to get a sexually transmitted disease. There is always some risk of pregnancy if you’re having heterosexual sex. There is always some risk of an STD no matter what you are doing-oral, vaginal, anal or even playing with someone else’s sex toys. But, you need to do whatever you can to minimize the risks. Always use a condom to cover penises or sex toys, and use a dental dam for oral sex on a female. These safer sex practices are always good to keep in mind, but they are especially desirable for one-night stands to avoid lingering effects.

The third rule for a good one-night stand is to make your intentions clear. You know what your own intentions are, and you ought to know enough not to seek out a one-night stand unless you know you have the ability to live in the moment and not demand a long-term relationship afterwards. But, you can’t always be sure about the other person. So, before you go anywhere with them, tell them that you do not intend for it to happen more than once, and ask if they are OK with that. Do this out of respect for the other person, to give them the chance to back out if they do not agree with your terms.

You also need to do this to ease your own mind. If the other person later says they want to see you again, you leave yourself in the best possible position to remove yourself from the situation or to go with this new possibility. If you want to stick to your original intention for it to be a one-night stand, you can decline and honestly respond that they knew that you only wanted it to happen once.

If you keep these few things in mind when and if you decide to have a one-night stand, it will be a lot more fun for you. The more you do to protect yourself physically and emotionally, the more energy you’ll have left to focus on your sexual enjoyment.

Remember that huge crush you had on that cute kid in your seventh grade pre-algebra class? You daydreamed in class about how you’d totally go to first base with him after your parents dropped you off at the movies. Maybe even second base if you were one of those girls.

Oh yes, the bases certainly do bring back fond memories of when any sexual encounter could be summed up in a simple, baseball-inspired response to the question, “How far did you go?” And while the bases were a way to discuss our young sex lives in a sort of secret code, they were also a system of checkpoints in the natural progression of a sexual relationship.

By junior year in high school, our fondness for the bases had diminished, and the terminology had completely disappeared by the time we arrived at Wash. U.

Now we use “hooking up,” generally defined as anything from kissing to sex, in order to obscure the dirty details.

So what about the system of checkpoints? It’s pretty obvious that things have changed since seventh grade at the movies. If the majority of girls are expected to give head during the first hook-up, does that mean giving head is the new “first base?”

Despite what you may be thinking, this does not appear to be the case. At most, the traditional first and second bases (that is, making out and feeling up) seem to have been combined into one, and blow jobs are the new hand jobs.

But as for a general campus mentality on hooking up, most students choose to set their own standards.

Junior Whitney Button explains, “What’s more important than defining what is appropriate and inappropriate is making sure that you are comfortable with what you’re doing and you feel safe. It’s just something you need to judge for yourself.”

Most students agree that the promiscuous hook-up culture is far more popular among underclassmen, but that does not necessarily determine what comprises the sexual experiences. The possibility of dating, however, does often change how the relationship progresses.

Pat Fahey, a sophomore currently in a relationship, says that he likes to, “take things at a much slower pace if [he] thinks it might lead to a relationship.” Fahey also noted that many of his friends have also chosen to “settle down” this year and take it slowly.

Making your own decisions dependent upon the situation is considered to be far more fashionable than pre-designating certain acts as necessary or taboo.

“I think people should accept the fact that as human beings, our natural instincts are to have sex,” explains senior Laelle Busch. “People will do with that as they please and shouldn’t be judged one way or the other-active or inactive.”

So the next time you run into that hottie from Calc II subsection and agree to go back to his room, there’s no need to turn it into a play-by-play of the other night’s Cardinals game. But if you feel like you’re ready to make it to home plate, make sure he’s wearing a glove.

I’m sure a lot of you have seen the episode of “Family Guy” that involves Meg having “ear sex.” That’s right-an expression of love involving the insertion of the male sex organ into his partner’s ear. This episode was particularly hilarious, since it addressed the issues couples face when they decide why, when and how to have sexual relationships.

Of course, people can have sex (or ear sex, or oral sex or abstinent relationships) for many reasons. Clearly it’s important to consider not only your own but also your partner’s personal desires, moral beliefs, religious interests and comfort level in the relationship. If there’s anything that one person isn’t ready for, it shouldn’t be done. If a long-term relationship is what you’re looking for, make sure your partner’s in it for the long haul too; if you just want someone to snatch up for the night and return in the morning, make sure he or she is also looking for that from you.

Also, there’s still some controversy over what actually counts as “sex.” Some say it’s only vaginal intercourse; others say virginity is lost when oral sex occurs. I say it’s about the way what you’re doing makes you feel. If sex is pure fun to you, just remember that to someone else it may be the ultimate expression of love, and to someone else it may be what consummates a marriage. (These can all overlap, obviously.)

If you get the same emotional connection or pleasure out of oral sex, that’s great too. Or if ear sex is what fl oats your boat, rock on and lose your ear virginity.

Short- and long-term physical relationships take a lot of trust, thought, discussion and experimentation; so does love. There are countless ways for couples to express devotion and care in physical and nonphysical ways. You can write notes to each other, cuddle up and watch a movie, get a little playful in bed or, like Meg and her boyfriend, get a little creative. As long as you know what messages you’re sending and you are ready to take on the delights and challenges you’ll encounter, you’re all set to give and receive great feelings.

These were more or less (read: a little bit) like the ideas found in the “Family Guy” episode. Meg made decisions and discoveries about love, “real” sex and ear sex, although it only took her 23 minutes or so. Our lives are so full of possibilities for interpersonal emotions, symbolism and physicality that sometimes it’s hard to remember that we’ve got to be introspective to know how to handle it all. Through that introspection, love yourself and know yourself. Give what you want to give; don’t let anything be taken away from you.

As you find, keep or even end relationships, keep a level head. Remember the people who’ve been there all along, remember the good times in all of your relationships, and love, in different ways, as many people as you can. If you choose to have what Borat calls “sexy time,” be safe, careful and confident. And the next time you run into someone from Wash. U.’s a cappella group More Fools than Wise, let them do what they do best-“giving it to ya in the earhole.”