Archive for the ‘Schmooze’ Category

Construction under construction

Monday, April 2nd, 2007 | Fake Name
Scott Bressler

EDITOR’S NOTE: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

Clear out the crane – here comes the wrecking ball. The new underground garage currently under construction on main campus will be demolished Monday to make room for a new project. Though details were unavailable at time of press, anonymous administrator Janet Grover confirmed that the University is calling the project a “Subterranean Parking Facility.”

The facility, to be named after Chancellor Wrighton’s daughter’s dog emeritus, Muffins Danforth, will be similar to the one demolished, only with thinner walls and a diminished sense of community.

“Honestly, we didn’t even hire a new architect. We’re actually using the same blueprints,” Grover admitted.

Gregory Powers, assistant dean of mollification, rebutted.

“That is not true at all,” he said. “We’re adding this gigantic seal that you can read right-side up and upside down. We’re also toying with the idea of a fountain.”

Although Powers could neither confirm nor deny rumors that other University space will be put to use as temporary parking during the construction, he suggested, “If I were you, I would not be standing in line at Whispers Caf‚ next Tuesday, during, say, rush hour.”

Chancellor Wrighton did not return phone calls, though his secretary’s secretary justified the move in an e-mail. She wrote, “That old garage was so 2006.”

Most students reacted to the news with apathy.

“Excuse me, I’m trying to study,” said a freshman in Olin library. “Ouch,” she added when further prodded.

Freshman Katy Smith, who asked not to be named, said “Buildings disappear from this campus faster than a lecturer in Arts & Sciences without tenure.”

While Grover objected to that particular analogy, she agreed that there has been a high turnover in recent years. She noted, however, that this will be the school’s first pre-dedication demolition.

In light of the anticipated bulldozing, the Economics Department has expressed concern over the future of the new Social Sciences building, also currently under construction.

Grover was quick to reassure.

“The University has no current renovation plans for that site,” she said. “At least not this week.”

Officer Spoons ‘n’ Fruit arrests Center Court thieves

Monday, April 2nd, 2007 | Alfonzo Debussy
Schmittgens

EDITOR’S NOTE: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

It was a just another day at Center Court – yesterday’s meat loaf had become today’s chili surprise, and all was well. But in a blinding flash, everything changed.

Security Officer Spoons ‘n’ Fruit leapt into action, streaking past the buffets to blindside a couple of would-be fruit thieves. The officer quickly subdued the suspects, described as white males wearing ball caps, American Eagle t-shirts and cheap flip-flops. Three forks, two apples and several bananas were confiscated as illegal contraband.

“Most Center Court patrons are honest, hardworking Americans,” said ‘n’ Fruit. “But I can tell a ‘nanner-snatcher from 15 tables away. If you can smell the hair product, that’s a good bet. They use it to cover the scent of their stolen citruses.”

Onlookers watched in disbelief as the part-time B&D security officer cuffed and cavity searched the two suspects. When asked why such extreme measures were necessary, ‘n’ Fruit warned that, “You never know where they’ll be willing to stick a banana.”

Though the disturbance was brief, Center Court closed its doors early to allow WUPD to perform a full investigation.

“We see this kind of thing more and more. Maybe it’s the price of gas going up. Maybe they need the oranges to make meth,” remarked Police Chief Don Strom.

“All I know,” added ‘n’ Fruit, “is that these kids may be Wash. U. students, but they’re all amateurs. Sometimes their fingers are still sticky from the last job.”

Spoons ‘n’ Fruit was hired through an ad in “Soldier of Fortune” magazine after the Great Plate Pilfering of 2005. To date, ‘n’ Fruit has made 12 arrests, all but one of which resulted in felony convictions. The last suspect, Jimmy Gongers, hung himself before his court date.

Chief Strom refused to comment on any pending charges, instead advising future thieves to “stick to pizza and beer. They’re better for you, anyway.”

TKE ‘Super Smash Brothers’ party gone wild

Monday, April 2nd, 2007 | Scruff McGruff
Magnum Steele

EDITOR’S NOTE: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

In what was originally billed as a “Super Smash Brothers Party,” a Tau Kappa Epsilon (TKE) video game party was broken up by WUPD officers at 2:30 a.m. early Saturday morning when they received reports of loud and excessive noise coming from the usually dormant building.

Upon entering the scene, Police Chief Don Strom was horrified by what he saw: a completely naked TKE member filming a Girls Gone Wild sequence in front of a crowd of ogling TKE members taking pictures with their camera phones.

“That image will forever be burned into my retinas,” said Strom. “I thought I would never see anything more shocking than that time I saw a drunk freshman defecate himself, but seeing this behavior at the TKE house is just earth shattering. Wow.”

The visibly drunk unidentified females, believed to be underage mail-order brides from Russia, were taken into custody for questioning where they directed police efforts to the basement of the TKE house. A warrant led the police to the basement, where they found over $5,000 worth of alcohol, a pet chimpanzee stolen from the Biomedical Engineering laboratory, and a collection of over 600 hours of raunchy Girls Gone Wild pornography, as well as the central database for the popular pornographic “BangBus” website.

After word had spread throughout campus about the TKE shakedown, members of the Greek community became outraged at the blatant disrespect and clear violations of the codes of behavior and conduct set forth by Greek Life.

“What happened here last Friday is the most heinous event in the history of Greek life,” said disgusted Zeta Beta Tau president Justin Snyder. “Providing alcohol to minors and objectifying females in such a way is a matter that should be taken extremely seriously. They should be permanently kicked off campus and vilified for their blasphemous and wicked behavior.”

No arrests have been made yet, but the suspected cameraman has been reported missing since Saturday afternoon when eyewitnesses saw him on Snow Way entering an unmarked white van run by solar energy panels. The investigation is ongoing.

Prof discovers homosexual unicorns amidst fossil remains of Noah’s Ark

Monday, April 2nd, 2007 | Stu Crabshack
Penelope Pussyfoot

EDITOR’S NOTE: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

Paleontology professor Harvey Whitehead announced yesterday that he has discovered animal fossils that he believes came from Noah’s Ark. He found a valley in the Turkish mountains that contained remains of every documented animal species, plus one extinct species. Whitehead believes the extinct animals may have been homosexual unicorns.

“They were all within three miles of each other, and almost every fossil was paired, one male, one female,” said Whitehead. “The last pair was a little different.”

Whitehead and his team were quick to identify and match all but one of the pairs with existing animal species. Every pair was one male and one female, except for one pair, consisting of two males, from a now extinct species.

“It’s a couple of gay unicorns,” explained Whitehead. “That’s why unicorns are now extinct. Noah screwed up, grabbed some ‘fabulous’ unicorns and all the straight ones suffered God’s wrath in the Flood.”

Conservative family values groups have seized on Whitehead’s research as scientific evidence that gay marriage is unnatural. Women and Children First founder Seymour Dumbler says that this is definitive proof of the danger gay marriage poses to human existence.

“We’re just lucky Noah was a straight, red-blooded American,” commented Dumbler. “If he had made different lifestyle choices, we might not be here today.”

Women and Children First is planning a rally on the steps of the Capitol in Washington on Friday.

“We’re going to bring God and Nature back to America. From this day forward, the unicorn will be a cautionary tale of God’s punishment for man-on-man love.”

Whitehead, while claiming neutrality on the politics of gay marriage, simply reinforced that his research is sound.

“Look, you can’t question the science. Homosexuality drove the unicorn species extinct. The lesson we can learn from this is not to let our little boys play with unicorns. Unicorns are gay.”

Bert and Ernie to address Class of 2007

Monday, April 2nd, 2007 | Foster the Emu
Snuffaluffagous

EDITOR’S NOTE: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

Quincy Bertram Huffington and Ernesto Beltrinez, stars of the hit television show “Sesame Street,” will address the Class of 2007 at their commencement on May 18, 2007.

Better known as Bert and Ernie, the duo will be making their first public appearance after their tell-all book “Sesame Seedy: Sex, Drugs, and PBS” hits bookshelves. According to their publisher, Bert and Ernie reveal that they are homosexuals in “Sesame Seedy,” and bring to light the disturbing details behind the children’s show.

“We took Muppets that we thought would be well-noted figures, who would have a sense of current issues facing graduates, Muppets [who] would be well-known and Muppets with great accomplishments in the field that they work with,” said Chancellor Mark Wrighton.

Spokesmen for the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD), Bert and Ernie are planning a nationwide tour following their speech at the University, and are going to the use the tour as a platform to lobby for gay rights. “They’re going to try to change the world,” close friend and confidant Oscar the Grouch told Student Life. “Washington University is very lucky to have them, and they are very excited to speak there.”

Other revelations found in the pages of “Sesame Seedy” include the news that Oscar the Grouch is actually a Vietnam veteran who was placed in a trash can at Walter Reed Hospital; the heroin addiction of Count Von Count, also known as The Count; Miss Piggy having repeatedly gone to clinics for eating disorders; and the death of the original Cookie Monster in 1992 due to complications stemming from diabetes. Pre-sales of the book have already taken the top spot on amazon.com.

The gay community on campus has had nothing but praise for the choice of Bert and Ernie as commencement speakers. “It is really great that the University is acknowledging that these issues are some of the most pressing in the modern world,” said GBLTQIAAFGEFKH President Billy Acronym.

Others have been more critical, especially following the announcement that for the first time, the commencement speech will be sponsored by the letters W, D, O, and the number 7. “This is one of the most important days of our lives,” yelled senior EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU FOREST PARK PARKWAY EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU.

Rubelmann catches on fire, no one cares

Monday, April 2nd, 2007 | Art Senis
Mr. Burns

EDITOR’S NOTE: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

The Office of Residential Life barred Clayton Fire Department from responding to a fire on Rubelmann 2, allowing the old dormitory to burn to the ground. The unexpected grease fire begun by an RCD cooking freedom fries expedited ResLife’s plan for renovation on the South 40.

“Rubelmann?” said Tim Lempfert, associate director of Residential Life, “Sounds more like Rubble-man to me! But, in all seriousness, the unexpected destruction of Rubelmann did further our plans for renovating the South 40. It paved the way for the new dormitory that we plan to have constructed by 2030. Students should embrace Washington University’s ongoing commitment to success and positive attitude towards what some might view as a smoldering disaster.”`

The Rubelmann fire began around 1 p.m. on Saturday and by dusk all that remained of the dormitory was a pile of glowing embers. To the delight of ResLife officials, some fiery ashes were seen drifting in the direction of Umrath, opening the possibility of another old dorm’s destruction.

While the Office of Admissions moved all prospective freshmen staying in Rubelmann to the Knight Center, current students made due with makeshift camps. When Friedman Lounge filled, students began to occupy the swamp.

“It was uncomfortable to sleep on the ground. It was raining and I couldn’t find any privacy,” said third floor resident Shaunice Sholes.

All Rubelmann residents will be switched to the new Bon App‚tit hunter-gatherer meal plan for the duration of their stay on the Swamp. Congress of the South 40 executives organized a marshmallow roast over the building’s dying flames in an attempt to create a more celebratory atmosphere.

Student petitions for adoption

Monday, April 2nd, 2007 | Madam Editor & Haruhi Suzumiya

EDITOR’S NOTE: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

Ivanna Freeride partied like she was in the class of 1999 when she received her acceptance package from Washington University, but the pre-freshman said that her jaw dropped faster than the Gen Chem curve when she saw the fee for tuition.

Undaunted, Freeride researched scholarships and investigated the Work Study program. Her solution involved a bit more paperwork: seeking adoption from a faculty member.

“I am sooo jealous of students who have parents who work for Mark Wrighton,” Freeride said. “They get free tuition and I hear they get to call the chancellor Uncle Marky Mark.”

Whether or not her aspirations of calling the chancellor by his beloved nickname will come to fruition remain uncertain. Ivanna Freeride has until her 18th birthday to finalize her adoption records. After that, she will be recognized as a legal adult and be unqualified for adoption and a fabulous four tuition-free years at Washington University.

“Good thing I skipped the third grade,” Freeride said, explaining why she has an extra year to find a new set of parents. “I hear all I missed were the multiplication tables. Fortunately they let you use Ti-83’s for Calc III,” she said with a smile.

Freeride discovered a program to help prospective students literally become part of the Wash. U. family. Adopt Collegiate Kids, or ACK, aids students in finding qualified legal guardians to waive their education fee. Freeride was unsure who to petition first. She tried calling Executive Vice Chancellor and Dean of Arts and Sciences Edward Macias, but he was so busy he couldn’t see her until the day after her birthday.

“I became worried that the only way I could fund my education would be through street prostitution,” Freeride said.

She visited the second man on her list, Assistant to the Chancellor Rob “Buck” Wild, but he demanded a little more than she was willing to dish out.

“I encouraged Ivanna when I heard she was looking for a new dad,” Wild said. “It was great timing. I was just about to get a new Blackberry, but I knew I could count on Ivanna to keep track of all my appointments. She agreed to chauffer my children but was reluctant to take on other chores.”

“Hahaha! Dishes?” Wild remembered Freeride laughing.

She tried Dean of Arts and Sciences Jim McLeod, who wholeheartedly supported the idea. “I’ve been very fond of the program since its inception at Wash. U. We’ve always promoted students from all walks of life to apply to our University. This program detracts from the image that we are an elitist ‘rich kid’ school with inflated tuition.”

Mcleod himself is a strong advocate of ACK, and has already adopted four students from Arts and Sciences. “There is nothing more amazing than the bond of parent and child. To gain so many children at this stage has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life,” he said, as he beamed down at the four students carrying him in his sedan. “By lifting me, they lift themselves.”

This new adoption program has not only helped students afford tuition but also has helped the productivity of the University.

Distinguished Professor of Chemistry, Karen Wooley, has adopted 10 such students into her chemistry clan. “Johnny’s working the pipettes and Susie is learning how to autoclave. I’ve already published 500 papers, which is 30 ahead of schedule.”

Ivanna Freeride only has five more weeks before she must finalize the adoption process. “My case is still open: desperately seeking parents. Few chores. Unlimited Internet access. Adopt me please!”

Briefs

Monday, April 2nd, 2007 | Madam Editor & Haruhi Suzumiya
Scott Bressler

Assembly Series welcomes Ms. Frizzle to campus

Washington University students welcomed Ms. Valerie Felicity Frizzle of “The Magic School Bus” fame to campus Wednesday for this week’s Assembly Series, titled “The Small Intestine Is a Wonderful Place.”

Following the high turnout of students to the Assembly Series hosted by Bill Nye the Science Guy on Sept. 13, 2006, administrators focused their energies on attaining Ms. Frizzle and her vast emporium of science knowledge for a Wednesday discussion about the human body and efficiency of public transportation.

Hundreds of students attended and were inspired by her insightful words about mud, wacky clothes, and the digestive tract of dinosaurs. More directly impacting the St. Louis community, the Friz explained how to convert the current Wash. U. shuttles into Magic Shuttles that can take students to the moon and into Dean McLeod’s nose via Forest Park Parkway, as well as a myriad other magical places. The administration quickly assembled a panel of campus leaders to discuss ways to implement the plan, which led to a decision to raise tuition by $8,031.26 for the next academic school year to cover the associated costs.

Ms. Frizzle’s famed pet lizard, Liz, who is capable of performing advanced tasks such as driving the magic bus, was not in attendance at the Assembly Series. She is presumed dead. Ms. Frizzle ended her speech with her famous last words, “Take chances, make mistakes, and get messy!” before receiving a standing ovation from the packed Graham Chapel crowd, with the exception of one student named Arnold, who still hates science.

Next week’s Assembly Series, featuring deceased segregationist Senator Strom Thurmond, is titled “Killing Me Softly With His Song: A Privileged White Man’s Story of Keeping the Black Man Down.”

Student Life changes name to ‘Student Death’

Despite 129 years of service as Washington University’s student newspaper, Student Life has decided to change its name to “Student Death,” effective fall 2007. Many rumors as to why these sudden changes have been announced have been spreading around campus in recent weeks.

Speculation has surfaced around Student Life’s use of zombies as reporters as the prime reason for the change, but incoming Editor in Chief Erin McFults denied these allegations.

“Let’s face it,” said the exasperated journalist, “students at Wash. U. are half-dead from all the work they have to do every day anyway. We just felt that the name change was more appropriate for our populace. Besides, ‘Studdeath’ sounds way more badass than ‘Studlife,’ no?”

Obituary: Sarah Steinberg, killed for wearing too much ‘fashionable’ clothing

The university community is mourning the death of junior Sarah Steinberg, who died early Tuesday morning at the hands of an angry mob of fashionistas due to her clothing selection for the day. After months of growing and bubbling anger towards the latest fashion trends by the general population, Steinbergkatz’s decision to wear her Uggs in late March, coupled with her cameltoe leggings, aviators, and unfashionably long t-shirt, sparked off an eruption of Mount St. Helens-esque proportions amongst the student body. The uproar is just one of several recent outlashes by students around the country against the current fashion trend; last month Emory University officials were forced to declare marshal law after a pitchfork-yielding throng of fed up students lit the local Urban Outfitters on fire.

The Long Island, NY native is survived by her iMac Powerbook G5, her BMW 735i, her cat Penelope, and her entire DVD collection of “Laguna Beach,” “The OC,” “The Hills” and “My Super Sweet 16.”

Study: Pre-med test scores predict effectiveness as doctors

Commensurate with average test scores received during pre-med exams as an undergraduate, students who go on to become doctors have been found in a recent study that they are only able to accurately identify and cure about 40 percent of the medical problems that they are confronted with on a daily basis.

“Doctors these days are just not as well prepared for life as a doctor,” said Bob Kelso, professor of biochemelectromechanicmedical engineering. “It’s their own damn fault; it’s not like we try to make the exams so hard that they only know 40 percent of the material-they’re just too stupid to know the other 55 percent. Everything we put on the exams is clearly taught in class and it’s the students’ responsibility for mastering the material like a real doctor.”

Jesus tours campus for April Welcome, loves the tulips

Jesus Christ, the Son of God, visited the University this past weekend after receiving his acceptance letter for the entering Class of 2011. Christ was enamored with the campus scenery and impressed by his tour guide’s vast knowledge of college affairs.

“I just love the tulips,” gushed the Messiah. “I can’t wait to come here in the fall and frolic through them when I go to class.”

Christ had applied early decision, but was deferred to general admission before being accepted.

“I was a little disappointed at first, but I sent in some more letters of recommendation from my friends John, Luke, Mark and Matthew.”

Admissions director Ginger McHovelhut said that she always thought he was a stellar candidate.

“He just walks on water in my Book.”

Jesus said he looked forward to W.I.L.D. and planned on rushing AEPi.

Bears Den robbed by B&D, thousands of meal points stolen

At the height of the 2 a.m. drunken rush to Bear’s Den Friday night, a plot unfolded that led to the robbery of thousands of meal points. Authorities have apprehended four members of B&D security, who have confessed to aggravated assault, grant theft larceny, kidnapping, and obesity.

Brandishing guns, machetes, and homemade bombs, the suspects wielded their hidden weapons, tucked securely beneath their beer bellies, at approximately 2:10 a.m., demanding the turnover of thousands of meal points from students present at the popular eatery at the time. Four B&D staffers were directly involved in the incident, although it is suspected that many more employees were intricately involved in the planning and implementation of Operation Grease Trap. WU Facilities has been accused of providing B&D the escape route through the underground tunnels while the WU shuttles were reported to be the vehicles used during the getaway.

Unfortunately, because of rules about the transfer of meal points from one individual to another, none of the stolen meal points can be returned to their rightful owners. Bon Appetit has informed the students that they must purchase their points back at the price of $1.25 per point. “Tough noogies,” laughed the Bon App‚tit night manager.

Pluto leads coup against other planets; declares self Ruler of the Galaxy

In a bizarre twist of events since Pluto’s status as a planet was demoted on August 24, 2006, Pluto has gathered a force of two planets, over a dozen moons, and the Washington University Earth and Planetary Sciences Department to lead a coup d’etat against the remaining eight planets of the solar system.

Pluto, often teased for its small size and long distance away from the sun, was kicked to the curb in August when a group of know-it-all scientists decided that Pluto wasn’t worthy to be a planet because of its reclassification as a dwarf planet and its need for Viagra to get it up. The Earth and Planetary Sciences Department took a firm stance against demoting Pluto, and as a result was quickly recruited by the ninth rock from the sun to join its mounting army.

In return for their services, Pluto announced that he would provide unlimited funds to the Earth and Planetary Sciences Department for building robots, satellites and to hire all the sexual offenders they want after its successful takeover of the galaxy.

“I have had enough of this [expletive deleted],” said the dejected former planet. “It’s time for me to take my rightful place on the celestial throne as the Ruler of the Galaxy and show them a real ‘Independence Day!'”

Pluto is allegedly a huge fan of Jeff Goldblum.

High speed chase tears across campus

Monday, April 2nd, 2007 | Noah Tobahn
Scott Bressler

EDITOR’S NOTE: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

Sophomore Aarthi Arunachalam was pulled over by the Washington University Police after a 45 minute chase that started in the Lien parking lot. She had been going a dangerous 12mph until her scooter ran out of batteries in front of Graham Chapel.

Squirrel mauls hawk

Monday, April 2nd, 2007 | Jeff Corwin
Scott Bressler

EDITOR’S NOTE: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

Students were terrified as they witnessed a squirrel brutally attack an innocent hawk on campus recently. The hawk plans to sue, and the squirrel refuses to comment.