Scott BresslerEDITOR’S NOTE: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.
Sophomore Aarthi Arunachalam was pulled over by the Washington University Police after a 45 minute chase that started in the Lien parking lot. She had been going a dangerous 12mph until her scooter ran out of batteries in front of Graham Chapel.
Scott BresslerEDITOR’S NOTE: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.
Students were terrified as they witnessed a squirrel brutally attack an innocent hawk on campus recently. The hawk plans to sue, and the squirrel refuses to comment.
Scott BresslerEDITOR’S NOTE: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.
The Student Union President, junior Paul Moinester, attacked an innocent seal in a burst of anger, said sources close to the seal.
Further reporting to follow as Greenpeace investigates the case.
Courtesy of Dean Jolley SeverEDITOR’S NOTE: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.
In the latest move to a series of sweeping changes to the School of Engineering and Applied Sciences, Dean of Engineering and Applied Sciences Mary Sansalone mistakenly eliminated the position of Dean of Engineering and Applied Sciences on Friday, reported sources from the University.
“This is ridiculous,” remarked a frustrated Sansalone. “I mean, I only took the position last fall, and already I’ve got to clean out my belongings and leave the school.”
As with the streamlining of the dual degree program in October 2006, the elimination of the position was made in order to cut the engineering school’s budget. Due to the sheer amount of changes made to the school, however, Sansalone only realized her abrupt dismissal several days after she had made the decision.
“I mean, I can understand how the University and the School of Engineering’s got to move forward and stuff,” she continued, “but recently the changes have just been too much. I remember when the administration used to care about the student engineer as a hard-working individual. Or for that matter, the individual dean of Engineering and Applied Sciences as a hard-working, budget-cutting individual.”
Past controversy with Sansalone’s instituted changes have included the January 2006’s “Plan for Excellence”, involving the merging of two engineering departments into the Department of Mechanical, Aerospace and Structural Engineering, in addition to the outright elimination of the undergraduate Aerospace Engineering major.
Sansalone questioned how many of her instituted changes were made for the purpose of placing further emphasis upon the Biomedical Engineering Department, suggesting that she should have better communicated her vision for the School of Engineering to herself.
“Yeah, BME’s been the strongest department, but it’s not like I couldn’t have told myself about where I wanted to take the school and what I was willing to eliminate. A warning to myself ahead of time would’ve been nice. God, I totally feel like [former dual degree program advisor] Judy [Sawyer] right now. This is what happens in a bureaucracy closed off from the students, faculty, and deans.”
Sawyer, who had worked with the School of Engineering for 16 years as an advisor, was asked to leave her position last fall as one of Sansalone’s changes to the school.
While she expressed a desire to have maintained better communication with herself, Sansalone in the end said she would move on.
“In retrospect, I would have liked to hold an audience with myself to see how valuable the position of dean was to me. You’ve got to learn to open up dialogues with and answer questions to yourself, since leadership is about accountability; otherwise, you won’t understand the preferences of yourself, and end up isolating yourself from those making the decisions and budget cuts. Still, it was an exciting time while it lasted. Even with such a short tenure, I’ve definitely made my mark on this place, and I won’t forget that, and neither will a lot of the engineering students.”
Mr. HankeyEDITOR’S NOTE: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.
Washington University Libraries will institute Restroom fees beginning this May. The libraries expect the new pay-per-poop policy to reduce the enormous volume of sewage produced by the University library community. During the fall semester, the University spent over $2 million on dumping 137,000 metric tons of library sewage into the Missouri River. The new policy is expected to take a bite out of this problem.
Previously, Olin Library had posted signs in the restrooms encouraging students to dispose of bodily waste in moderation. The signs were almost totally ignored. “Wash. U. students poop like no one else in the country,” said Birley Shaker, dean of campus plumbing. “The amount grows every year. We would like to be able to provide everybody free usage of the restrooms, but when you look at the numbers, it’s just not sustainable.”
Shaker stated that profit was not a motive. “It’s true we’ll be taking in an extra $7 million dollars in net revenue under the new initiative, but the pricing system is completely rational and fair: 35 cents for a urinal flush and 50 cents for a sit down toilet. That way, the people who poop or piss the most pay the most.” She added, “plus, we need that money. Whispers doesn’t exactly pay for itself.”
For the past five years, restroom usage has almost quadrupled. Shaker attributed the steep rise to what she calls “professor quirk drinking games.” “It seems the new rage is to attend classes taught by eccentric professors and take a shot every time they exhibit some strange behavior. It’s all fun and games until that liquid reaches your colon. Then it’s my problem.” Shaker said.
Campus environmental groups have hailed the new policy. “One of the goals of Green Action is to get students to think about their impact on the environment each and every day. Now that students have to fork over some cash every time they flush, maybe they’ll remember what their fecal matter is doing to the local beaver population,” said Todd Thompson, president of Green Action.
Not everyone was thrilled about this action, however. “It’s ridiculous!” said David Stein, a junior majoring in physical education. “First they take away free printing and now this. The only thing they’ve done is guaranteed that I’m going to poop twice as much in Eads. Also, I understand Chancellor Wrighton’s house still has free restroom use. He can expect to see me twice a day every day.”
Already the library has documented an increase in restroom usage by students preparing for the coming payment policy.
Scott BresslerEDITOR’S NOTE: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.
Clear out the crane – here comes the wrecking ball. The new underground garage currently under construction on main campus will be demolished Monday to make room for a new project. Though details were unavailable at time of press, anonymous administrator Janet Grover confirmed that the University is calling the project a “Subterranean Parking Facility.”
The facility, to be named after Chancellor Wrighton’s daughter’s dog emeritus, Muffins Danforth, will be similar to the one demolished, only with thinner walls and a diminished sense of community.
“Honestly, we didn’t even hire a new architect. We’re actually using the same blueprints,” Grover admitted.
Gregory Powers, assistant dean of mollification, rebutted.
“That is not true at all,” he said. “We’re adding this gigantic seal that you can read right-side up and upside down. We’re also toying with the idea of a fountain.”
Although Powers could neither confirm nor deny rumors that other University space will be put to use as temporary parking during the construction, he suggested, “If I were you, I would not be standing in line at Whispers Caf‚ next Tuesday, during, say, rush hour.”
Chancellor Wrighton did not return phone calls, though his secretary’s secretary justified the move in an e-mail. She wrote, “That old garage was so 2006.”
Most students reacted to the news with apathy.
“Excuse me, I’m trying to study,” said a freshman in Olin library. “Ouch,” she added when further prodded.
Freshman Katy Smith, who asked not to be named, said “Buildings disappear from this campus faster than a lecturer in Arts & Sciences without tenure.”
While Grover objected to that particular analogy, she agreed that there has been a high turnover in recent years. She noted, however, that this will be the school’s first pre-dedication demolition.
In light of the anticipated bulldozing, the Economics Department has expressed concern over the future of the new Social Sciences building, also currently under construction.
Grover was quick to reassure.
“The University has no current renovation plans for that site,” she said. “At least not this week.”
SchmittgensEDITOR’S NOTE: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.
It was a just another day at Center Court – yesterday’s meat loaf had become today’s chili surprise, and all was well. But in a blinding flash, everything changed.
Security Officer Spoons ‘n’ Fruit leapt into action, streaking past the buffets to blindside a couple of would-be fruit thieves. The officer quickly subdued the suspects, described as white males wearing ball caps, American Eagle t-shirts and cheap flip-flops. Three forks, two apples and several bananas were confiscated as illegal contraband.
“Most Center Court patrons are honest, hardworking Americans,” said ‘n’ Fruit. “But I can tell a ‘nanner-snatcher from 15 tables away. If you can smell the hair product, that’s a good bet. They use it to cover the scent of their stolen citruses.”
Onlookers watched in disbelief as the part-time B&D security officer cuffed and cavity searched the two suspects. When asked why such extreme measures were necessary, ‘n’ Fruit warned that, “You never know where they’ll be willing to stick a banana.”
Though the disturbance was brief, Center Court closed its doors early to allow WUPD to perform a full investigation.
“We see this kind of thing more and more. Maybe it’s the price of gas going up. Maybe they need the oranges to make meth,” remarked Police Chief Don Strom.
“All I know,” added ‘n’ Fruit, “is that these kids may be Wash. U. students, but they’re all amateurs. Sometimes their fingers are still sticky from the last job.”
Spoons ‘n’ Fruit was hired through an ad in “Soldier of Fortune” magazine after the Great Plate Pilfering of 2005. To date, ‘n’ Fruit has made 12 arrests, all but one of which resulted in felony convictions. The last suspect, Jimmy Gongers, hung himself before his court date.
Chief Strom refused to comment on any pending charges, instead advising future thieves to “stick to pizza and beer. They’re better for you, anyway.”
Magnum SteeleEDITOR’S NOTE: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.
In what was originally billed as a “Super Smash Brothers Party,” a Tau Kappa Epsilon (TKE) video game party was broken up by WUPD officers at 2:30 a.m. early Saturday morning when they received reports of loud and excessive noise coming from the usually dormant building.
Upon entering the scene, Police Chief Don Strom was horrified by what he saw: a completely naked TKE member filming a Girls Gone Wild sequence in front of a crowd of ogling TKE members taking pictures with their camera phones.
“That image will forever be burned into my retinas,” said Strom. “I thought I would never see anything more shocking than that time I saw a drunk freshman defecate himself, but seeing this behavior at the TKE house is just earth shattering. Wow.”
The visibly drunk unidentified females, believed to be underage mail-order brides from Russia, were taken into custody for questioning where they directed police efforts to the basement of the TKE house. A warrant led the police to the basement, where they found over $5,000 worth of alcohol, a pet chimpanzee stolen from the Biomedical Engineering laboratory, and a collection of over 600 hours of raunchy Girls Gone Wild pornography, as well as the central database for the popular pornographic “BangBus” website.
After word had spread throughout campus about the TKE shakedown, members of the Greek community became outraged at the blatant disrespect and clear violations of the codes of behavior and conduct set forth by Greek Life.
“What happened here last Friday is the most heinous event in the history of Greek life,” said disgusted Zeta Beta Tau president Justin Snyder. “Providing alcohol to minors and objectifying females in such a way is a matter that should be taken extremely seriously. They should be permanently kicked off campus and vilified for their blasphemous and wicked behavior.”
No arrests have been made yet, but the suspected cameraman has been reported missing since Saturday afternoon when eyewitnesses saw him on Snow Way entering an unmarked white van run by solar energy panels. The investigation is ongoing.
Penelope PussyfootEDITOR’S NOTE: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.
Paleontology professor Harvey Whitehead announced yesterday that he has discovered animal fossils that he believes came from Noah’s Ark. He found a valley in the Turkish mountains that contained remains of every documented animal species, plus one extinct species. Whitehead believes the extinct animals may have been homosexual unicorns.
“They were all within three miles of each other, and almost every fossil was paired, one male, one female,” said Whitehead. “The last pair was a little different.”
Whitehead and his team were quick to identify and match all but one of the pairs with existing animal species. Every pair was one male and one female, except for one pair, consisting of two males, from a now extinct species.
“It’s a couple of gay unicorns,” explained Whitehead. “That’s why unicorns are now extinct. Noah screwed up, grabbed some ‘fabulous’ unicorns and all the straight ones suffered God’s wrath in the Flood.”
Conservative family values groups have seized on Whitehead’s research as scientific evidence that gay marriage is unnatural. Women and Children First founder Seymour Dumbler says that this is definitive proof of the danger gay marriage poses to human existence.
“We’re just lucky Noah was a straight, red-blooded American,” commented Dumbler. “If he had made different lifestyle choices, we might not be here today.”
Women and Children First is planning a rally on the steps of the Capitol in Washington on Friday.
“We’re going to bring God and Nature back to America. From this day forward, the unicorn will be a cautionary tale of God’s punishment for man-on-man love.”
Whitehead, while claiming neutrality on the politics of gay marriage, simply reinforced that his research is sound.
“Look, you can’t question the science. Homosexuality drove the unicorn species extinct. The lesson we can learn from this is not to let our little boys play with unicorns. Unicorns are gay.”
SnuffaluffagousEDITOR’S NOTE: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.
Quincy Bertram Huffington and Ernesto Beltrinez, stars of the hit television show “Sesame Street,” will address the Class of 2007 at their commencement on May 18, 2007.
Better known as Bert and Ernie, the duo will be making their first public appearance after their tell-all book “Sesame Seedy: Sex, Drugs, and PBS” hits bookshelves. According to their publisher, Bert and Ernie reveal that they are homosexuals in “Sesame Seedy,” and bring to light the disturbing details behind the children’s show.
“We took Muppets that we thought would be well-noted figures, who would have a sense of current issues facing graduates, Muppets [who] would be well-known and Muppets with great accomplishments in the field that they work with,” said Chancellor Mark Wrighton.
Spokesmen for the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD), Bert and Ernie are planning a nationwide tour following their speech at the University, and are going to the use the tour as a platform to lobby for gay rights. “They’re going to try to change the world,” close friend and confidant Oscar the Grouch told Student Life. “Washington University is very lucky to have them, and they are very excited to speak there.”
Other revelations found in the pages of “Sesame Seedy” include the news that Oscar the Grouch is actually a Vietnam veteran who was placed in a trash can at Walter Reed Hospital; the heroin addiction of Count Von Count, also known as The Count; Miss Piggy having repeatedly gone to clinics for eating disorders; and the death of the original Cookie Monster in 1992 due to complications stemming from diabetes. Pre-sales of the book have already taken the top spot on amazon.com.
The gay community on campus has had nothing but praise for the choice of Bert and Ernie as commencement speakers. “It is really great that the University is acknowledging that these issues are some of the most pressing in the modern world,” said GBLTQIAAFGEFKH President Billy Acronym.
Others have been more critical, especially following the announcement that for the first time, the commencement speech will be sponsored by the letters W, D, O, and the number 7. “This is one of the most important days of our lives,” yelled senior EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU FOREST PARK PARKWAY EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU.