Student Life Archives

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

We live in an ever-changing world, and that world is going paperless. With computers, e-mail, text messages and more, technology is advancing and the life-producing trees of our world may finally be spared. Danforth University is taking great strides to stay at the forefront of the environmentally conscious wave of reform with the construction of LEED certified buildings.

But there is one dark environmental leech that promises to suck our resources dry, and that leech is Student Life, the campus newspaper.

Three days a week, Student Life kills swaths of trees for the sole purpose of spreading useless information amongst the student body.

While we commend Student Life’s dedication to providing students with a thrice-weekly Sudoku, this does not excuse their wanton wastefulness. Does a Sudoku really need an eight or nine page preamble of tree-destroying nonsense? While these extra pages can be folded back to provide a more solid base for Sudoku-crazed students to scribble in their numbers during boring classes, a healthy planet takes greater precedence than a few pens punching through the paper.

The University is taking great pains to make the school super-environmentally friendly and, much to the delight of the Chancellor, U.S. News & World report has finally given the University a “passable” grade in their “hippie commune quality” section.

A paperless Student Life will be a commendable achievment that should allow Dan. U. to acheive the coveted “Ralph Nader” level of greenness. While some might argue that depriving the campus of Student Life would create an atmosphere of ignorance, Sudoku’s are readily available online.

Perhaps the University could siphon off some of its ever ballooning endowment to provide the students with iPhones. This way all students would have access to their daily puzzle fix (the Editorial Board does not endorse crossword puzzles but recognizes their popularity with certain types of people) but also Danforth students would finally achieve a level of awareness unheard of on this campus.

Students would be able to check headlines from top newspapers like the New York Times and USA Today without having to leave campus.

A Sudokuless campus is a sad campus, and we would never suggest that it is not a necessary part of college life. But we, as students, should not sit idly by while an outdated institution destroys our planet’s precious forests.

Scott Bressler

Last week, I decided that it was time for me to get in shape. I hadn’t worked out in probably a decade. What was once a tight, cute and well-toned body had become flabby and slightly grotesque-it was still pretty cute, though.

Anyway, I entered our University’s state-of-the-art facilities, descended the staircase and went into the men’s locker room. Almost immediately, I saw something that I had long forgotten-butt-naked old men wandering around.

I returned to my fond memories of being a prepubescent boy at the Jewish Community Center (JCC) locker room and getting a chance to view countless nude geriatrics flaunt their amazing bodies in front of anyone who had the ability to see.

What a great and often not discussed benefit of staying healthy! In a way, my mental health was improved by seeing these men. They walked around freely, not embarrassed by their aged bodies. They knew, in their hearts, that there is nothing that males like seeing more than other males, particularly older ones, fully nude.

What’s better than seeing old men walk around naked? Watching them lather up and clean themselves. No need for shower curtains! They’re only nuisances.

What’s so great about this long-held practice of the locker room is that naked old guys aren’t few and far between-they’re everywhere! It’s impossible to avert your eyes, because at every turn, there they are. How amazing is that?

I’m so happy to learn that this locker room feature exists beyond the JCC. My only fear is that the practice is generational. I hope that it continues when the next generation reaches old age, and I can’t wait until I’m an old man.

When I’m an old man, I will make a firm commitment to go to a men’s locker room every day to walk around, shower and do who-knows-what-else completely naked-even if I’m not planning on working out. I want to make sure that the young boys of the future have the same opportunities that I had, and I’m going to do my best to ensure it.

Who’s with me?

Mister Fantasy is a freshman, but he loves to look at seniors. He can be found in the men’s locker room with his eyes wide open and can be reached via e-mail at [email protected].

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

Looking back on this year, I’ve learned a lot. Today I woke up, and I was really tired! I realized that sometimes, sleep is important.

This year is my sophomore year. When it was my freshman year, I thought it was the most important year of them all. I thought the same thing my senior year of high school, back in Tinseltown, Indiana. But I realized when I woke up this morning that sophomore year was actually the most important.

Not only are you living with your friends, but you even have to pick a major. I don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life. And then I realized, while I was clipping my toenails, that that’s okay. We should all do what we want to do.

But then, as I walked to class and tried unsuccessfully to avoid acknowledging vague acquaintances, I realized that I am really busy. Boy! I hardly have time to comb my hair. And the real kicker is, I have a lot of stuff to do. What I learned is that Dan. U. students are very involved in activities!

But the funniest thing is, while I was walking past someone trying to give me a handout about clubbing baby seals, I noticed that there are lots of other problems in the world other than my homework. I sure worry a lot! But who knew that we were so insignificant? My problems are almost not important compared to the hardships many baby seals face.

But today, when I was sitting in the library studying for my underwater basket-weaving class, I looked around at all the people around me reading books too, and I realized, holy moley, I sure like college! There are a bunch of people just like me, and they’re smart too!

I can sit down and have a conversation about Plato’s relation to 19th century marine biology one second, and then binge drink until my liver explodes the very next second- with the same person. There sure is lots of funny stuff in college. I sure like it!

But what I really wanted to say was that, boy are we lucky, and college is hard, and funny things happen, and we should think about stuff sometimes and lots of things happen.These are the best four years of our lives! Oh boy!

Samantha is a sophomore in the College of Arts & Sciences. She enjoys piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. She also enjoys long walks along the beach and can be reached at [email protected] .