Archive for the ‘Student Libel’ Category

Bear Patrol subdues grizzly bear on campus

Monday, March 31st, 2008 | Sam Bear
Scott Bressler

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

On Wednesday, March 26 at around 9:12 p.m., Bear Patrol Escort Andrew Callingsworth apprehended an enormous grizzly bear outside of Whispers.

Before Callingsworth arrived on the scene, the cuddly culprit had been ambushing unsuspecting students.

“We got the report over the scanner right at the beginning of my shift,” said Callingsworth, “I threw on my bear-proof vest and sped over there from the 40. Unfortunately, it took about twenty minutes because my cruiser’s a golf cart.”

When he arrived on the scene Callingsworth reported fleeing students and the scent of bear. “If our intensive Bear Patrol training hadn’t taught us to literally sniff out these guys, I would’ve been a goner.”

The bear lunged but Callingsworth was able to escape in the cart and survey the situation. “The bear was naked and appeared inebriated,” he said, “so, following precedent, I tased it.”

The bear’s parents were notified, a nearby concert was broken up, and noted Danforth University alumnus Fozzie Renault said that he was, “shocked, absolutely shocked to find this kind of behavior going on at such an esteemed institution!”

The treatment of the bear has sparked outrage from students. Freshman Troy Bales, President of Bear Lovers of the World, said, “The use of a taser was completely out of line. It was only mauling students-that’s just what bears do.”

Callingsworth has defended his department’s actions.

“People somehow have the misconception that we’re only here to offer people rides from the library. We keep telling them that ‘Bear Patrol’ patrols for bears, but for some reason they just don’t listen.”

ResLife abandons lottery system

Monday, March 31st, 2008 | Popov Dmitrioff
Werner Von Braun

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

In an attempt to alleviate the pressure on campus housing caused by growing enrollment, the Office of Residential Life (ResLife) has decided to enter all students into a Fight Club instead of the traditional lottery system.

Associate Assistant Deputy Vice Chancellor of Residential Life Jim Paulson says he hopes the plan will be a better alternative than the current system.

“We could have kept the lottery system in place since there was really nothing wrong with it, but this is just a lot more fun for everyone,” said Paulson.

Several students and parents have expressed concern over the danger posed to students, but ResLife says it should not be a problem.

“It’ll be fine…we make everyone buy health insurance, we might as well use it,” said Paulson.

Some students are happy with the new plan, because it gives them a better chance of getting the housing they want.

“I never would have gotten into a good dorm with the lottery number I have. This way, all I have to do is beat on a few sissies,” said six-foot-nine-inch sophomore Gary Stewart.

Fights are judged by ResLife staff and winners of fights improve their overall ranking and eventually make their selections. Fights take place at various locations around the South 40 and the Danforth Campus, such as the engineering machine shop, the roof of Brookings and the basement of Sigma Alpha Epsilon. Very few rules govern what participants are allowed to do during the fights.

“They really have a lot of room to be creative. That’s what we like to encourage here at the University. This is just one part of that effort. I’ve seen the students try just about everything to win these things. The competitive spirit is a great way to bring all of the students together,” said Paulson.

Cascada tasered by DUPD after short concert

Monday, March 31st, 2008 | Llwewlyn Boondoggle

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

After performing for just 22 minutes at the Gargoyle on Friday, pop singer Cascada was tasered 17 times by officers of the Danforth University Police Department (DUPD).

Cascada, whose contract stipulated that she play for at least a half hour, was about to exit the stage after her fifth song when she was seized by five DUPD officers, 11 B&D security personnel and a few disgruntled students.

Chief of Police Dawn Storm says that his force welcomed the opportunity to abuse its power at the concert.

“I guess our official reason for the seizure was her breach of contract, but the truth is that I just really dislike Cascada’s music,” said Storm.

Storm had applied the first five taser shots personally.

“I mean, come on, every song sounds the exact same. I don’t know how anyone who isn’t on ecstasy could listen to this hogwash. When we saw that the crowd was angry, we just took out our stun guns and rolled with it,” he said.

Students did not seem to mind DUPD’s action, and some even cheered after Cascada was taken down.

“She was asking for it,” said Sarah Goldberg.

Goldberg had waited for three hours in the rain and ditched a test to see the concert.

“Frankly, I’d like to see more of this kind of retribution in the future. If George Clinton doesn’t deliver, I plan on P-Funking him myself,” she said.

boys suck! girls suck!

Monday, March 31st, 2008 | Johann Qua Hiansen

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

boys suck!

We get out of speeding tickets. “Hellooo officer.”

Adam was whipped.

It’s a well-established fact that boys have cooties.

Male claims about females are simply inaccurate: The oldest anti-female joke in the book makes fun of women for driving. According to a 2007 AAA Traffic STATS report, guys behind the wheel have a 77% higher risk of dying in a car accident. Thus your car insurance. .and you’re always lost because you never ask for directions.

Higher pain threshold. Evidence: childbirth. You have no idea.

Petite women can be cute; short men are just, well, short.

Boobs. We’ve got ’em. You want ’em.

X marks the spot. Y marks nothing.

Male pattern baldness. Just keep checking that patch on the back of your head…

Everyone knows, you can’t hit a girl.

We don’t even need you for your sperm. Scientists were recently able to produce sperm cells from bone marrow. Let’s see you try to grow a uterus.

We can orgasm several times during sex for each time a man does once.

Women are built to last: we have a longer average life span.

The women’s locker room: In our lifetime, on average we’ll see more women naked than you even have a chance at.

girls suck!

You can’t get sand in your penis.

Women are responsible for original sin.

Lack of facial hair leads to scarf hoarding, alpaca price inflation and destruction of developing nations’ economies.

Girls are prone to swooning.

According to nationwide salary averages, women are only 76.2 percent as productive as men.

Mars is a much better planet than Venus.

Men spend a tenth of the time getting dressed and still look better.

According to most reports, Dan. U. girls are ugly.

Mother Nature gives us droughts, hurricanes, locusts; Father Christmas gives us presents.

They are far worse at writing their names in the snow.

Isaac Newton was a man. How many women invented gravity?

According to Mr. Garrison from South Park, you shouldn’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.

Girls always screwed up the physical challenges in Legends of the Hidden Temple.

Womens’ signatures are conspicuously absent from the Declaration of Independence.

Everyone hated the Susan B. Anthony dollar coins; the Sacajawea golden dollar coins are no better.

SU cozies up to administration

Monday, March 31st, 2008 | Llwewlyn Boondoggle
Scott Bressler

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

ResLife offers new housing option

Monday, March 31st, 2008 | Virginia Chesticles
Scott Bressler

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

In light of the increased freshman class size, Danforth University abruptly announced yesterday that it would be offering a new housing option for fall 2008. Located on the highly-coveted South 40 Swamp, construction is slated to begin in August. The new dorms will be made out of an environmentally-friendly material: cardboard.

“This is a way for us to allow students to play a greater role in the design of their living spaces,” said Jim Sempfert for the Office of Residential Life (ResLife). “Cardboard House will be part of the new Hooverville ResCollege.”

Those in favor of Cardboard House (CBH) also emphasize that it will prepare students for the real world.

“Not only will the construction of the box-homes be a great educational opportunity for our engineering and architecture students, but I think that living in a box should be great preparation for all those art history, women and gender studies and English majors at our great institution,” said Chancellor Mark Wrighton.

ResLife has heartily encouraged students to select this new housing option.

“A lot of students tell me that they are sick of dealing with the so-called ‘housing drama.’ I think this will be a great alternative. If you can’t find anyone to live with, just live by yourself in a box!” stated Tim Leverine in the ResLife office.

As an additional incentive, Cardboard House will be cheaper than the old-fashioned brick-and-mortar establishments. In contrast to the $19,000 Village East Housing, the CBH will only cost $7,000 a year. Additional fees will apply for access to high-speed Internet, running water, electricity and air conditioning.

Floor bathrooms are still in the planning stages.

Patel pragmatically pardons people with problematic pasts

Monday, March 31st, 2008 | Lando Calrissian

Just days before his scheduled leave of office, Student Union President Neil Patel has announced a series of pardons that have shaken the Danforth University community.

Patel made heavy use of his power to pardon persons in the University community who have broken policy, made significant mistakes or brought shame to the community. The last pardons were handed down nearly three years ago by former President David Ader, who focused on ensuring that members of the Student Worker Alliance could complete their studies at the University.

One of Patel’s most controversial pardons went to Residential College Director Ozie Goodwin. In the spring of 2007, Goodwin accidentally started a fire while cooking in his Millbrook Apartment, causing the displacement of many Millbrook residents. In the fall of 2007, Goodwin again found himself in a troubling situation as he announced, contrary to the wishes of his supervisor, that Greenway residents who did not attend select floor programs may lose access to their own rooms.

Patel called the cases “a serious misunderstanding” and remarked that Goodwin is someone who “is very competent, especially in cleaning up the messes he has made.”

In one of his more controversial moves, Patel also pardoned Student Union and the College Republicans for the groups’ role in bringing former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales to campus.

“Everyone makes mistakes, including myself. Sure we sparked dialogue and incited students to use their fundamental right of protest by bringing [Gonzales] to campus. I just want to make sure our asses are covered.”

In a similar vein, Patel pardoned Chancellor Wrighton and the rest of the University administration for rejecting Sen. Barack Obama’s offer to come to campus.

“Since I’m covering my rear, I might as well cover theirs too,” said Patel.

One of Patel’s pardons, the result of alleged lobbying by Chancellor Wrighton and members of the current Board of Trustees, is directed at the 1976 Board of Trustees. It was this group that added the phrase “in St. Louis” to the University’s name, a change that has been called “short-sighted” and “idiotic.”

Patel’s final pardon was one that he said required a significant level of self-reflection and many sleepless nights.

“Given the nature of today’s world, and the dangers we face, I feel it is necessary to let bygones be bygones.”

Patel concluded, “Some may call it stupid, some may call it super. I will now take this moment to pardon the Lee 3 pooper.”

Pre-med student earns B in humanities class

Monday, March 31st, 2008 | Ester Ameen

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

Many thought it impossible. But midterm grades are in and pre-med sophomore Eileen Wang earned a B in her literature class.

This historical “first” for a straight-A chemistry and biology double major has sent waves of confusion through the community of pre-med students.

“Now I’ll never get into Harvard Medical School,” wailed a despondent Wang. “I’ll probably have to go somewhere in the Caribbean,” she wailed.

Fellow pre-med students reacted to the news with denial. These students continue to believe the grade was a technical error or some kind of oversight.

“I thought earning an A- in organic chemistry secured at least A’s in the softer, less prestigious academic disciplines, and I was under the impression that simply being smart enough to even consider being pre-med ensured at least an A-. I’m positive this is a mistake that will be straightened out,” said junior Sanjay Gupta.

Treasurer of pre-med honorary Alpha Epsilon Delta (AED), senior Xiao Feng Cho is organizing an advocacy group, Pre-Meds for Truth, to protest the wrongful grade.

The first demonstration will be held outside of Duncker Hall.

“We are encouraging participants to wear their chem goggles to the protest, in case [the Danforth University Police Department] tries to use the ol’ 2-chlorobenzalmalononitrile on us,” said Cho. “That’s tear gas to you soft-sciences majors.”

Meanwhile, the victimized Wang has not left her room.

Besides her “destroyed” GPA, Wang’s next-greatest worry is what she will tell her parents.

Clinton supporter kicks Obama supporter in the nuts

Monday, March 31st, 2008 | Lando Calrissian
Scott Bressler

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

Hillary Clinton supporter Schlomo Morgenstern kicked Barack Obama supporter Seamus O’Malley in the nuts last Saturday at the annual St. Paddy’s Purim Jubilee.

Dan. U. Center renamed Fox U. Center

Monday, March 31st, 2008 | Emile Gorgonzola

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

This morning Chancellor Mark Wrighton announced that the new Danforth University Center (D.U.C.) would be renamed the Fox University Center (F.U.C.) in honor of Sam Fox, a major benefactor of the University.

“Sam Fox is a very generous and humble man,” said Wrighton. “We decided that Danforth has had enough time in the limelight; it’s Fox’s time to shine.”

Wrighton also announced that a charity event would be held in conjunction with the opening of the Fox University Center.

“After hearing that St. Louis had one of the highest gonorrhea rates in the country, I decided we needed to take action,” said Wrighton. “We will be opening the new building with the ‘Gonorrhea Awareness F.U.C. Fest’ and I’m confident that it will receive plenty of student support.”

A later expansion of the Fox University Center will include a basement and a 5,000 square-foot eatery.

“The architects had trouble designing a basement ratty enough to be acceptable to KDUR,” said Wrighton, “and the eatery will still be run by Bon Appétit-so no need to worry about shorter lines or reasonable prices. This whole complex will be called the Cluster-F.U.C., and we’re looking at implementing similar things all over campus.”

In his closing remarks, Wrighton called for greater student-faculty communication, stressing that the new building would be an ideal forum.

“We’ve begun to lay plans for the Fox University Center Educational Dialogue,” he said, “and we’re working on the scheduling now. We want to get F.U.C.E.D. on Friday and Saturday nights every week, and we think that’s what students want, too.”

Overall, Wrighton was optimistic.

“We’re really hoping to get this program off the ground. The Engineering School has had something similar for the past two years, and we hope the whole campus can get F.U.C.E.D. so all students can feel the same way.”