
Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.
On Wednesday, March 26 at around 9:12 p.m., Bear Patrol Escort Andrew Callingsworth apprehended an enormous grizzly bear outside of Whispers.
Before Callingsworth arrived on the scene, the cuddly culprit had been ambushing unsuspecting students.
“We got the report over the scanner right at the beginning of my shift,” said Callingsworth, “I threw on my bear-proof vest and sped over there from the 40. Unfortunately, it took about twenty minutes because my cruiser’s a golf cart.”
When he arrived on the scene Callingsworth reported fleeing students and the scent of bear. “If our intensive Bear Patrol training hadn’t taught us to literally sniff out these guys, I would’ve been a goner.”
The bear lunged but Callingsworth was able to escape in the cart and survey the situation. “The bear was naked and appeared inebriated,” he said, “so, following precedent, I tased it.”
The bear’s parents were notified, a nearby concert was broken up, and noted Danforth University alumnus Fozzie Renault said that he was, “shocked, absolutely shocked to find this kind of behavior going on at such an esteemed institution!”
The treatment of the bear has sparked outrage from students. Freshman Troy Bales, President of Bear Lovers of the World, said, “The use of a taser was completely out of line. It was only mauling students-that’s just what bears do.”
Callingsworth has defended his department’s actions.
“People somehow have the misconception that we’re only here to offer people rides from the library. We keep telling them that ‘Bear Patrol’ patrols for bears, but for some reason they just don’t listen.”