Student Life Archives

Scott Bressler

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

On Wednesday, March 26 at around 9:12 p.m., Bear Patrol Escort Andrew Callingsworth apprehended an enormous grizzly bear outside of Whispers.

Before Callingsworth arrived on the scene, the cuddly culprit had been ambushing unsuspecting students.

“We got the report over the scanner right at the beginning of my shift,” said Callingsworth, “I threw on my bear-proof vest and sped over there from the 40. Unfortunately, it took about twenty minutes because my cruiser’s a golf cart.”

When he arrived on the scene Callingsworth reported fleeing students and the scent of bear. “If our intensive Bear Patrol training hadn’t taught us to literally sniff out these guys, I would’ve been a goner.”

The bear lunged but Callingsworth was able to escape in the cart and survey the situation. “The bear was naked and appeared inebriated,” he said, “so, following precedent, I tased it.”

The bear’s parents were notified, a nearby concert was broken up, and noted Danforth University alumnus Fozzie Renault said that he was, “shocked, absolutely shocked to find this kind of behavior going on at such an esteemed institution!”

The treatment of the bear has sparked outrage from students. Freshman Troy Bales, President of Bear Lovers of the World, said, “The use of a taser was completely out of line. It was only mauling students-that’s just what bears do.”

Callingsworth has defended his department’s actions.

“People somehow have the misconception that we’re only here to offer people rides from the library. We keep telling them that ‘Bear Patrol’ patrols for bears, but for some reason they just don’t listen.”

Werner Von Braun

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

In an attempt to alleviate the pressure on campus housing caused by growing enrollment, the Office of Residential Life (ResLife) has decided to enter all students into a Fight Club instead of the traditional lottery system.

Associate Assistant Deputy Vice Chancellor of Residential Life Jim Paulson says he hopes the plan will be a better alternative than the current system.

“We could have kept the lottery system in place since there was really nothing wrong with it, but this is just a lot more fun for everyone,” said Paulson.

Several students and parents have expressed concern over the danger posed to students, but ResLife says it should not be a problem.

“It’ll be fine…we make everyone buy health insurance, we might as well use it,” said Paulson.

Some students are happy with the new plan, because it gives them a better chance of getting the housing they want.

“I never would have gotten into a good dorm with the lottery number I have. This way, all I have to do is beat on a few sissies,” said six-foot-nine-inch sophomore Gary Stewart.

Fights are judged by ResLife staff and winners of fights improve their overall ranking and eventually make their selections. Fights take place at various locations around the South 40 and the Danforth Campus, such as the engineering machine shop, the roof of Brookings and the basement of Sigma Alpha Epsilon. Very few rules govern what participants are allowed to do during the fights.

“They really have a lot of room to be creative. That’s what we like to encourage here at the University. This is just one part of that effort. I’ve seen the students try just about everything to win these things. The competitive spirit is a great way to bring all of the students together,” said Paulson.

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

After performing for just 22 minutes at the Gargoyle on Friday, pop singer Cascada was tasered 17 times by officers of the Danforth University Police Department (DUPD).

Cascada, whose contract stipulated that she play for at least a half hour, was about to exit the stage after her fifth song when she was seized by five DUPD officers, 11 B&D security personnel and a few disgruntled students.

Chief of Police Dawn Storm says that his force welcomed the opportunity to abuse its power at the concert.

“I guess our official reason for the seizure was her breach of contract, but the truth is that I just really dislike Cascada’s music,” said Storm.

Storm had applied the first five taser shots personally.

“I mean, come on, every song sounds the exact same. I don’t know how anyone who isn’t on ecstasy could listen to this hogwash. When we saw that the crowd was angry, we just took out our stun guns and rolled with it,” he said.

Students did not seem to mind DUPD’s action, and some even cheered after Cascada was taken down.

“She was asking for it,” said Sarah Goldberg.

Goldberg had waited for three hours in the rain and ditched a test to see the concert.

“Frankly, I’d like to see more of this kind of retribution in the future. If George Clinton doesn’t deliver, I plan on P-Funking him myself,” she said.

Scott Bressler

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

Just days before his scheduled leave of office, Student Union President Neil Patel has announced a series of pardons that have shaken the Danforth University community.

Patel made heavy use of his power to pardon persons in the University community who have broken policy, made significant mistakes or brought shame to the community. The last pardons were handed down nearly three years ago by former President David Ader, who focused on ensuring that members of the Student Worker Alliance could complete their studies at the University.

One of Patel’s most controversial pardons went to Residential College Director Ozie Goodwin. In the spring of 2007, Goodwin accidentally started a fire while cooking in his Millbrook Apartment, causing the displacement of many Millbrook residents. In the fall of 2007, Goodwin again found himself in a troubling situation as he announced, contrary to the wishes of his supervisor, that Greenway residents who did not attend select floor programs may lose access to their own rooms.

Patel called the cases “a serious misunderstanding” and remarked that Goodwin is someone who “is very competent, especially in cleaning up the messes he has made.”

In one of his more controversial moves, Patel also pardoned Student Union and the College Republicans for the groups’ role in bringing former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales to campus.

“Everyone makes mistakes, including myself. Sure we sparked dialogue and incited students to use their fundamental right of protest by bringing [Gonzales] to campus. I just want to make sure our asses are covered.”

In a similar vein, Patel pardoned Chancellor Wrighton and the rest of the University administration for rejecting Sen. Barack Obama’s offer to come to campus.

“Since I’m covering my rear, I might as well cover theirs too,” said Patel.

One of Patel’s pardons, the result of alleged lobbying by Chancellor Wrighton and members of the current Board of Trustees, is directed at the 1976 Board of Trustees. It was this group that added the phrase “in St. Louis” to the University’s name, a change that has been called “short-sighted” and “idiotic.”

Patel’s final pardon was one that he said required a significant level of self-reflection and many sleepless nights.

“Given the nature of today’s world, and the dangers we face, I feel it is necessary to let bygones be bygones.”

Patel concluded, “Some may call it stupid, some may call it super. I will now take this moment to pardon the Lee 3 pooper.”

Scott Bressler

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

Hillary Clinton supporter Schlomo Morgenstern kicked Barack Obama supporter Seamus O’Malley in the nuts last Saturday at the annual St. Paddy’s Purim Jubilee.