A few weeks ago I was watching the Patriots play and lamenting the lack of quality nicknames in sports today. Certainly the days of Walt “Clyde” Frazier and Earl “the Pearl” Monroe are long gone. For every “The Big Unit,” there are a thousand T.O.’s and T.D.’s, K-Mart’s and C-Webb’s. Has the creativity of this great sports-loving nation sunk so far that we are reduced to branding most players with simple initials or name-surname combinations? I surely hope not. Rather, I believe that we may simply be too cavalier in giving out nicknames. The sports community is at a crossroads of sorts now. If we continue to keep giving out nicknames with such wanton disregard, do we run the risk of nicknames losing their meaning altogether? Do we stop giving out nicknames? No!!! Instead, we must redouble our efforts and one player, one nickname at a time, we can reshape the very fabric of the sports world. And what better way to start our efforts with this week’s Super Bowl combatants-the Patriots and the Panthers, two teams of mostly nameless players? If we can give them good nicknames, we can give anyone good nicknames.
While most fans are not familiar with the roster of the Panthers, they are a team full of intriguing nickname possibilities. At right tackle, Jordan “girls are” Gross anchors the offensive line. The primary running back for the Panthers is Stephen “Good King Wenceslas” Davis. Leading the way for Davis is fullback Brad “Cross Dressing FBI Chief” Hoover. On the defensive side, linebacker Greg “Sexual” Favors is always in hot pursuit of the ballcarrier. The most explosive player on defense is defensive end “Orange” Julius “Red Hot” Peppers.
Meanwhile, the equally nameless Patriots also present excellent nicknaming opportunities. Of course, the Patriots are led by Tom Brady “Bill” at quarterback (because frankly quarterbacks buying handbags should be made illegal). One player that has symbolized the Patriots team oriented philosophy is Larry “H to the” Izzo who mostly contributes on special teams. And we cannot forget the all time leader in receptions by a running back, Larry “Self” Centers. Opening ground for the running game and buying time for the quarterback is a no-name offensive line which includes left guard Russ “possibly Jewish” Hochstein. At kick returner and wide receiver, “Temple” Bethel Johnson possesses breakaway speed. Also at wide receiver is J.J. “diff’rnt” Stokes. On defense, cornerback Ty “my shoe” Law captains the secondary.
The possibilities for nicknames are endless-even with teams lacking serious star power like the Panthers and Patriots. And these new, more creative nicknames could open up a whole new range of expressions for commentators. A simple “Touchdown!!!” could be replaced by “Mazel Tov!” when “Temple” Bethel Johnson scores. Or if Johnson escapes the defense on a kick return, previously inaccessible expressions like, “Johnson just said Shabbat Shalom to the defense,” would now be available for use. This is clearly an improvement for formerly linguistically stymied commentators and fans alike.
Remember to do your part this weekend to better the state of sports nicknames. As you meet the players of the Panthers and Patriots, carefully study their play on the field, watch them give media interviews, learn their personal history. Then come up with a ridiculously stupid nickname. With your help, one day we may hear these words from a commentator on an NFL broadcast, “Hochstein delivers a textbook potato pancake block – he’s possibly Jewish!”