Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.
We live in an ever-changing world, and that world is going paperless. With computers, e-mail, text messages and more, technology is advancing and the life-producing trees of our world may finally be spared. Danforth University is taking great strides to stay at the forefront of the environmentally conscious wave of reform with the construction of LEED certified buildings.
But there is one dark environmental leech that promises to suck our resources dry, and that leech is Student Life, the campus newspaper.
Three days a week, Student Life kills swaths of trees for the sole purpose of spreading useless information amongst the student body.
While we commend Student Life’s dedication to providing students with a thrice-weekly Sudoku, this does not excuse their wanton wastefulness. Does a Sudoku really need an eight or nine page preamble of tree-destroying nonsense? While these extra pages can be folded back to provide a more solid base for Sudoku-crazed students to scribble in their numbers during boring classes, a healthy planet takes greater precedence than a few pens punching through the paper.
The University is taking great pains to make the school super-environmentally friendly and, much to the delight of the Chancellor, U.S. News & World report has finally given the University a “passable” grade in their “hippie commune quality” section.
A paperless Student Life will be a commendable achievment that should allow Dan. U. to acheive the coveted “Ralph Nader” level of greenness. While some might argue that depriving the campus of Student Life would create an atmosphere of ignorance, Sudoku’s are readily available online.
Perhaps the University could siphon off some of its ever ballooning endowment to provide the students with iPhones. This way all students would have access to their daily puzzle fix (the Editorial Board does not endorse crossword puzzles but recognizes their popularity with certain types of people) but also Danforth students would finally achieve a level of awareness unheard of on this campus.
Students would be able to check headlines from top newspapers like the New York Times and USA Today without having to leave campus.
A Sudokuless campus is a sad campus, and we would never suggest that it is not a necessary part of college life. But we, as students, should not sit idly by while an outdated institution destroys our planet’s precious forests.