Archive for the ‘The Record’ Category

Bear Patrol subdues grizzly bear on campus

Monday, March 31st, 2008 | Sam Bear
Scott Bressler

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

On Wednesday, March 26 at around 9:12 p.m., Bear Patrol Escort Andrew Callingsworth apprehended an enormous grizzly bear outside of Whispers.

Before Callingsworth arrived on the scene, the cuddly culprit had been ambushing unsuspecting students.

“We got the report over the scanner right at the beginning of my shift,” said Callingsworth, “I threw on my bear-proof vest and sped over there from the 40. Unfortunately, it took about twenty minutes because my cruiser’s a golf cart.”

When he arrived on the scene Callingsworth reported fleeing students and the scent of bear. “If our intensive Bear Patrol training hadn’t taught us to literally sniff out these guys, I would’ve been a goner.”

The bear lunged but Callingsworth was able to escape in the cart and survey the situation. “The bear was naked and appeared inebriated,” he said, “so, following precedent, I tased it.”

The bear’s parents were notified, a nearby concert was broken up, and noted Danforth University alumnus Fozzie Renault said that he was, “shocked, absolutely shocked to find this kind of behavior going on at such an esteemed institution!”

The treatment of the bear has sparked outrage from students. Freshman Troy Bales, President of Bear Lovers of the World, said, “The use of a taser was completely out of line. It was only mauling students-that’s just what bears do.”

Callingsworth has defended his department’s actions.

“People somehow have the misconception that we’re only here to offer people rides from the library. We keep telling them that ‘Bear Patrol’ patrols for bears, but for some reason they just don’t listen.”

ResLife abandons lottery system

Monday, March 31st, 2008 | Popov Dmitrioff
Werner Von Braun

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

In an attempt to alleviate the pressure on campus housing caused by growing enrollment, the Office of Residential Life (ResLife) has decided to enter all students into a Fight Club instead of the traditional lottery system.

Associate Assistant Deputy Vice Chancellor of Residential Life Jim Paulson says he hopes the plan will be a better alternative than the current system.

“We could have kept the lottery system in place since there was really nothing wrong with it, but this is just a lot more fun for everyone,” said Paulson.

Several students and parents have expressed concern over the danger posed to students, but ResLife says it should not be a problem.

“It’ll be fine…we make everyone buy health insurance, we might as well use it,” said Paulson.

Some students are happy with the new plan, because it gives them a better chance of getting the housing they want.

“I never would have gotten into a good dorm with the lottery number I have. This way, all I have to do is beat on a few sissies,” said six-foot-nine-inch sophomore Gary Stewart.

Fights are judged by ResLife staff and winners of fights improve their overall ranking and eventually make their selections. Fights take place at various locations around the South 40 and the Danforth Campus, such as the engineering machine shop, the roof of Brookings and the basement of Sigma Alpha Epsilon. Very few rules govern what participants are allowed to do during the fights.

“They really have a lot of room to be creative. That’s what we like to encourage here at the University. This is just one part of that effort. I’ve seen the students try just about everything to win these things. The competitive spirit is a great way to bring all of the students together,” said Paulson.

Cascada tasered by DUPD after short concert

Monday, March 31st, 2008 | Llwewlyn Boondoggle

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

After performing for just 22 minutes at the Gargoyle on Friday, pop singer Cascada was tasered 17 times by officers of the Danforth University Police Department (DUPD).

Cascada, whose contract stipulated that she play for at least a half hour, was about to exit the stage after her fifth song when she was seized by five DUPD officers, 11 B&D security personnel and a few disgruntled students.

Chief of Police Dawn Storm says that his force welcomed the opportunity to abuse its power at the concert.

“I guess our official reason for the seizure was her breach of contract, but the truth is that I just really dislike Cascada’s music,” said Storm.

Storm had applied the first five taser shots personally.

“I mean, come on, every song sounds the exact same. I don’t know how anyone who isn’t on ecstasy could listen to this hogwash. When we saw that the crowd was angry, we just took out our stun guns and rolled with it,” he said.

Students did not seem to mind DUPD’s action, and some even cheered after Cascada was taken down.

“She was asking for it,” said Sarah Goldberg.

Goldberg had waited for three hours in the rain and ditched a test to see the concert.

“Frankly, I’d like to see more of this kind of retribution in the future. If George Clinton doesn’t deliver, I plan on P-Funking him myself,” she said.

SU cozies up to administration

Monday, March 31st, 2008 | Llwewlyn Boondoggle
Scott Bressler

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

Patel pragmatically pardons people with problematic pasts

Monday, March 31st, 2008 | Lando Calrissian

Just days before his scheduled leave of office, Student Union President Neil Patel has announced a series of pardons that have shaken the Danforth University community.

Patel made heavy use of his power to pardon persons in the University community who have broken policy, made significant mistakes or brought shame to the community. The last pardons were handed down nearly three years ago by former President David Ader, who focused on ensuring that members of the Student Worker Alliance could complete their studies at the University.

One of Patel’s most controversial pardons went to Residential College Director Ozie Goodwin. In the spring of 2007, Goodwin accidentally started a fire while cooking in his Millbrook Apartment, causing the displacement of many Millbrook residents. In the fall of 2007, Goodwin again found himself in a troubling situation as he announced, contrary to the wishes of his supervisor, that Greenway residents who did not attend select floor programs may lose access to their own rooms.

Patel called the cases “a serious misunderstanding” and remarked that Goodwin is someone who “is very competent, especially in cleaning up the messes he has made.”

In one of his more controversial moves, Patel also pardoned Student Union and the College Republicans for the groups’ role in bringing former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales to campus.

“Everyone makes mistakes, including myself. Sure we sparked dialogue and incited students to use their fundamental right of protest by bringing [Gonzales] to campus. I just want to make sure our asses are covered.”

In a similar vein, Patel pardoned Chancellor Wrighton and the rest of the University administration for rejecting Sen. Barack Obama’s offer to come to campus.

“Since I’m covering my rear, I might as well cover theirs too,” said Patel.

One of Patel’s pardons, the result of alleged lobbying by Chancellor Wrighton and members of the current Board of Trustees, is directed at the 1976 Board of Trustees. It was this group that added the phrase “in St. Louis” to the University’s name, a change that has been called “short-sighted” and “idiotic.”

Patel’s final pardon was one that he said required a significant level of self-reflection and many sleepless nights.

“Given the nature of today’s world, and the dangers we face, I feel it is necessary to let bygones be bygones.”

Patel concluded, “Some may call it stupid, some may call it super. I will now take this moment to pardon the Lee 3 pooper.”

Clinton supporter kicks Obama supporter in the nuts

Monday, March 31st, 2008 | Lando Calrissian
Scott Bressler

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

Hillary Clinton supporter Schlomo Morgenstern kicked Barack Obama supporter Seamus O’Malley in the nuts last Saturday at the annual St. Paddy’s Purim Jubilee.

University announces tuition freeze

Monday, March 31st, 2008 | Hardtack Snoggingsworth
Charlie the Unicorn

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

There will be no increase in tuition next year, the Danforth University administration announced today. Additionally, all students will be provided with unicorns equipped with GPS units, free of charge.

The University announced the tuition freeze while unveiling the new Gingerbread Gumdrop dorm on the South 40. Chancellor Mark Wrighton said that the tuition freeze and unicorns are part of the University’s new “Plan for Awesomeness.”

“We feel that students should be getting exactly what they want out of college, and our surveys show that what students want is candy and unicorns,” said Wrighton. “We figured that as long as we were living in a fantasy world, we might as well freeze tuition.”

Wrighton also announced that Santa Claus will be the next dean of the School of Engineering and Applied Sciences.

Fro-yo machines shut down, panic ensues

Monday, March 31st, 2008 | Thou Shalt Covet No Gods Before This Guy!
Scott Bressler

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

Since the dawn of time, Danforth University’s frozen yogurt machines have been the campus’s most esteemed landmarks. Like orcas to a flame, undergrads flock to these devices no matter the outside temperature. They often eschew a cup for their mouth, or as one husky sophomore put it, “Nature’s cone.” The ritual has escalated to such an extent that Morgan Freeman has offered to narrate a documentary chronicling the migration of freshmen to Bear Mart.

But thanks to one clumsy Bon Appétit worker who spilled a batch of lead-riddled Asian Bosco sticks into the University’s fro-yo reservoir, many students’ sole source of happiness on this Earth has been dashed. At first, Bon Appétit staff thought a sign reading “Out of Order” would keep students away. But undergrads still came in droves with their funnels and suction tubes, trying to siphon all they could muster of that sweet, sugary panacea. After underestimating how little students cared about contracting lead poisoning, the University erected an electric fence around Bear Mart.

Now “weeping circles” are becoming popular across the South 40. Undergrads meet to cry and discuss their fondest fro-yo memories. The tears are then pooled and eaten, in hopes the taste of the frozen treat will be evoked.

“Fro-yo tears have half the calories of normal tears; weeping circles are an excellent way to combat withdrawal symptoms,” said one pre-med student.

When an actual doctor was reached for comment, he called these circles “utterly moronic” and “cult-like” and recommended that students “just stop eating frozen yogurt for a while and buy a damn piece of fruit!”

Spiderman prime suspect for Myers burglaries

Monday, March 31st, 2008 | Polly Pocket

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

Danforth University Police Department has made an arrest in the Myers burglaries case. After reviewing hours of security camera footage, the DUPD believes it has finally cracked the case. The prime suspect is Spider-Man.

“It all seems so simple now,” said Officer Slim Pickens. “Who else would have the spidey sense and wall-crawling abilities to get to all of those suites?”

Authorities are now looking for Spider-Man, but so far he has eluded capture.

“It’s a sticky situation, and we’re proceeding with utmost caution,” said Pickens.

Students are reacting to the news with mixed feelings. Sophomore Scooter Bresson was somewhat excited by the idea of the Marvel star entering his domicile.

“I mean, Spider-Man is the man. Or spider. Or whatever,” said Bresson. “The fact that he now has my stereo, well, I kind of feel honored.”

But most students just want their stuff back. Stolen goods included TVs, DVDs, stereo systems and in one reported case, a loofah.

DUPD will be working with Clayton officials to hopefully bring a swift end to this case. Spider Pig, who was formerly on the list of prime-rib suspects, has been released from custody.

Officials believe the motive behind these crimes is one of money.

“In his other life, Spider-Man is a freelance photographer, after all. He probably needs the money,” said sophomore Petery Park. “I hope my DVD player goes to a better place.”

Marvel Comics was not available for comment.

New Danforth Center to be demolished and replaced

Monday, March 31st, 2008 | Skippy McDoodad

Stressing Danforth University’s commitment to the environment and a sustainable future, Chancellor Mark Wrighton announced plans to demolish the Danforth University Center at the end of this year in favor of a new building that will achieve an “enriched uranium” level of LEED certification.

The demolition of the current building is slated for August 1, several days after the building’s dedication ceremony. Wrighton said the new building is being torn down because it will be out of date by the time it is finished.

Construction of the new building is expected to take 14 years. According to Wrighton, the new University Center will move beyond the simple and sustainable materials that were used to construct the Danforth Center in favor of better, higher quality supplies.

“The new University Center will use supplies like seal skin and ivory that are durable and long-lasting,” said Wrighton during a press conference.

“Students have become used to the gaping hole in the ground and we would hate to disappoint them by opening a building that does not live up to their expectations,” he added.