Student Life Archives

EDITOR’S NOTE: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

In an effort to increase vitamin intake amongst Wash. U. students, the Washington University Medical School has developed vitamin-enriched condoms that will soon be available to the entire University community. This pioneering discovery has influenced universities throughout the United States to start their own condom experiments. The condoms target several essential vitamins. Read on to learn how you can improve your health – simply by having sex!

Vitamin A
Everyone knows that keen eyesight is vital in life and this vitamin contributes largely to healthy eyesight. Vitamin A condoms come in many different colors and flavors, each catered to different tastes. For the milk lovers out there, there are now chocolate milk-flavored condoms. For those of us who love eggs, the special yellow condom is rumored to taste like a delicious egg croissant. Carrot connoisseurs, you are also in luck: the orange condoms come packed with a scrumptious carrot taste.

Vitamin C
Want to help reduce the risk of catching a cold while engaging in sexual activity with that special someone? Orange juice is now a thing of the past; all you need to boost your health is some of these great new condoms. In addition to delicious orange flavored condoms, vitamin C condoms also come in grapefruit, lemon and assorted other citrus fruits that will help your body resist infection by toughening up your immune system. Since vitamin C is also important for maintaining body tissues and keeping muscles in top shape, these condoms will surely do wonders for your member. These condoms, as the singer Vitamin C once intelligently sung, are sure to “put a smile on your face.”

Vitamin D
Our bodies would be nothing without bones. These vitamin D condoms are therefore specially designed to help you keep strong, healthy bones. Vitamin D is also essential for forming strong teeth and absorbing the calcium that your body needs. These condoms will really give your teeth something to sink into, like the savory dairy products condom line. In addition to chocolate milk-flavored condoms, different ice cream flavors are currently being produced. Flavors like chocolate, vanilla and mint chocolate chip are all loaded with Vitamin D to help regulate a solid bone structure.

Vitamin E
Without this important vitamin your body tissues would suffer. Vitamin E maintains important body tissues in your eyes, skin and liver. In addition, this vitamin protects your lungs from air pollution and helps in the formation of red blood cells. Usually, you would eat whole grains to get enough of this vitamin. Now, you can just turn to the special line of bread-flavored condoms. For the nut lovers out there (and what condom user doesn’t love nuts?), these condoms also come in a wide selection of nut flavors that range from pecan to almond.

Vitamin K
Although relatively obscure, this vitamin is crucial for normal blood clotting. If you didn’t have this vitamin, scrapes and cuts would be much worse. Foods like pork and dairy products are primary in acquiring this vitamin, so condom flavors like pork and different cheeses are now available.

With the Wash. U. Medical School’s reputation as the top med school in the universe, it’s no wonder that these vitamin-enriched condoms have garnered attention all over the world. With the introduction of these condoms, sex can now be delicious and nutritious at the same time.

EDITOR’S NOTE: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

Aries
March 21 – April 19
It’s Keep America Beautiful month, so you might want to really think about getting that nose job. America technically supports individuality, but that still doesn’t give you the right to be individually ugly in a country obsessed with perfection. Get on it, buster.

Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Through the power of magic, you will be transformed into a tan 1987 Ford Taurus with green interior, 13-inch Giovanni tires, and slight rust damage to the hood. You will come fully equipped with a cassette tape deck, power windows, power locks, air conditioning and 178,000 miles.

Gemini
May 21 – June 21
Things look pretty good this month. Buy some cake. Eat it too.

Cancer
June 22 – July 22
You will get cancer
                this week.

Leo
July 23 – August 22
VH1 has decided to film a new reality show about deadbeat stoners, and you will make a perfect cast member. Get ready to be reduced to a caricatured version of your former self. And don’t you even dare try to censor what you do – this is reality TV, after all.

Virgo
August 23 – September 22
This month is going to have its ups and downs. Do your best to navigate the murky waters of college life. Use the buddy system, eat lots of fresh fruits, and never forget to pack lip balm.

Libra
September 23 – October 22
You will find true love this month. Unfortunately, your true love will give you gonorrhea.

Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
This month, failure isn’t an option – it’s a fact. Luckily, in today’s society, failure basically means the chance to turn yourself around, succeed and become the subject of a major motion picture.

Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Burst out of your bubble and explore the world around you. Travel to East St. Louis, pick up a prostitute and take a wild ride.

Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Unfortunately, that letter you got from the Chancellor isn’t a hoax. You did indeed fail all your midterms, and you are indeed being kicked out of this fine institution. Pack your bags, say your goodbyes, and get on out.

Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
This is going to be the best month you have had in a long time. But don’t forget about the people who liked you even when it wasn’t socially acceptable to be seen with you. As soon as your life returns to normal (translation: living hell), you’re going to need a few real friends to fall back on.

Pisces
February 19 – March 20
You will have sex with a beautiful celebrity, who will make all your dreams come true. He will present you with extravagant and exotic gifts and take you on long walks on the beach. Have the time of your life with Pauly Shore!

EDITOR’S NOTE: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

When life throws lemons, some people don’t have the strength to do anything productive with them and the lemons just go rotten. What used to be a beautiful yellow fruit turns brown, mushy and useless on the inside. Others, in spite of receiving lots of disintegrating peels on a regular basis, still manage to make a pretty delicious cup of lemonade.

Take a look at Lorrie Snooter, a freshman at Wash. U. This year she has to deal with the horrors of a ripped nail and there is no one that could shoulder this burden with more pizzazz.

“I was in the dorm showers without my contacts in and as I rummaged around in my shower caddy I sliced the nail on the right middle finger in half with my Venus razor blade. It was truly painful. Since then it’s been really hard,” she said.

Snooter has been dealing with this condition for over two weeks and it’s caused her a multitude of problems.

“Well, during the first week, the cut wasn’t healing right so I was bleeding quite a lot. Band Aids didn’t really stem the flow much. I bled on my campus card when I was handing it to cashiers. Meeting people was kind of hard too, because I couldn’t shake their hands with my right hand. I’ve had to start shaking hands with my left hand, and I always have to pause before I do it because it’s not natural, so I always look reluctant to shake someone’s hand.”

Snooter has found ways to work around her problem though. For instance, since she can’t shake hands too well, she compensates with an extra friendly smile and a sunny disposition. She wiggles her nose to show that she especially likes someone. She has trouble writing because she can’t put much pressure on the nail and also doesn’t want to flip everyone else off as she writes. Snooter still goes to class, of course, though the severe stinging in her nail sometimes makes it hard for her to pay attention.

Because of her injury, it’s not possible for Snooter, an avid athlete, to participate in sports the way she used to.

“I was on the volleyball team, but since my injury my finger complains every time I hit the ball,” said Snooter.

To get in her exercise, Snooter took up tap dancing, and it turns out she might just be the next Savion Glover.

Snooter has encountered some interpersonal malice because of her cut. She says that some people see her red, black and blue appendage and sneer and turn their noses up at her.

“But you know, those people aren’t worth my time anyway,” said Snooter definitively, eyes focused straight ahead. “Besides, most people have been very warm and supportive. I told my floor what was up when it happened, and no one has acted any differently towards me. They’ve been amazing. I have really great friends.”

As she should. Keep scootin’ Snooter!

EDITOR’S NOTE: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

In an effort to place more graduating seniors in successful jobs, the Career Center will be using the Game of Life to determine student strengths, weaknesses and interests. Students will meet with a Career Center official (who is typically a Wash. U. alum anyway) and a group of other students. The group will play the Game of Life and Career Center officials will take note of careers, salaries and life choices achieved during the game.

“This is a great way to place people in jobs they can be successful in,” commented Career Center advisor and Wash. U. alum Jane Read. “When someone picks that police officer card or accountant card or artist card, you know it was meant to be and you watch how the students progress through the game with their card selections.”

The University expects to see great improvements in graduating senior employment opportunities.

“Once we see what their future job will be, we can put them on the right track immediately and not bother with other class options,” said Dean McLeod. “It’s effective and cost efficient.”

The new game plan will also end the flood of freshmen into the pre-medical program.

“With this system, one kid per game group is going to be the doctor and that’ll be that,” said Regina Fried, chemistry professor. “Then we can focus solely on those kids and not work so hard to weed out all the dumb, optimistic kids.”

The University also views the new program as a way to teach students about raising a family, purchasing insurance and earning money.

“This game is about as close as you can get to real life. I just wish I had this opportunity when I was a student,” said Ima Stillheer. “Then maybe I wouldn’t still be working for the University, since that’s not a job option card in the game.”

In order to keep alum employment numbers up, however, the Career Center and the University plan to work with Milton Bradley to add “Career Center/Admissions officer” to the job cards.

“Graduating seniors without other job options are our best work force,” said McLeod, “so we just want to make sure we keep the game and job options unbiased.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

In an unprecedented business take over, Bon App‚tit has been replaced by “Ye Olde Trading Company.” This British-based entity has moved to increase food diversity on campus by phasing out all foods perceived as “American” and replacing them with their British counterparts.

“Her Majesty’s Kingdom gave birth to this country of ‘America’ and it’s time American students appreciated their roots,” said Reginald Cornwallis Peeperkins III, Earl of Worcestershire.

Peeperkins III, Earl of Worcestershire will be replacing Kathy Carmody as head of food services on campus.

American food stations will be phased out in food courts such as Bear’s Den, Mallinckrodt and Center Court. The station first targeted for elimination is the Fryer in Bear’s Den. Home to American favorites such as chicken tenders and Freedom fries, Peeperkins III views the removal of this food station as “a step in the right direction.”

British breakfast favorites will include soft boiled eggs (you didn’t think anyone could screw up a hard boiled egg, but the British can) and porridge. Other food favorites include toad in the hole and shepherd’s pie. Blood sausage and mutton will also appear on menus all around campus. Furthermore, French fries will be eliminated in favor of chips.

University officials are already at work installing a Scottish food station.

“It’s getting to the point where I have a harder time finding a plain hamburger on campus,” said concerned student, Chris Een. “Although, I’m getting used to the idea of the haggis at the Scotsman’s Carvery.”

Kaldi’s coffee in Whisper’s, Ursa’s and the Hilltop Bakery will be replaced by tea and scones and crumpets will predominate muffins. Peeperkins III urges students to embrace tea in place of coffee, since tea has antioxidants and health benefits.

The crepe station is also targeted for immediate removal since Peeperkins III views crepes as “dangerous to the young, impressionable minds and stomachs of America.”

Meal plans will be adjusted accordingly. The point system will be replaced by pounds. Off campus students can register for the smallest meal plan, the Tea-Time plan. Those previously accustomed to the larger point allotments of the Bountiful plan will now sign up for the Union Jack.

“I’ve already added pounds,” said off-campus resident Eatin Lottz.

Other minor adjustments include replacing all ketchup with malt vinegar, offering marmalade and having a pudding station with plum, bread and blood puddings instead of “fro-yo.” Mallinckrodt will be adding a new station, the East India Trading station, which will offer spices and other Indian cuisine favorites.

The new company will be replacing Subway with a pub, where Happy Hour will now take place.

“This harkens back to the days of the Ratskellar,” said Peepkins III. “A bit of ale never did anyone any harm. We look forward to a warm reception from the student body.”

B&D security will be promptly replaced by bobbies and Her Majesty’s guards. With their inability to show emotion, the University expects these new guards to efficiently remove boisterous drunk students from the fryer line on weekends.

Director of Student Health Services Alan Glass does advise, however, that students be wary of beef products offered under the new food administration as they may be tainted with mad cow disease.

EDITOR’S NOTE: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

Under heavy student pressure to provide a wider selection of dining options on campus, Washington University administration recently introduced a new meal plan to be offered to all future classes, starting with the incoming Class of 2011. The plan, tentatively called the Forager, allows students to experience a fresher selection of meats and vegetables found around different parts of the campus itself.

The main difference between the Forager and the current meal plans is that rather than swiping a card to purchase food prepared by Bon App‚tit employees, students will actually roam campus in search of live game and edible fruits. The University plans to spend over $300 million on new edible landscaping and animal breeding practices catering to Forager subscribers, who will be free to pick fruits and berries at any time. However, just as the Kosher Cart is restricted to students on the Kosher meal plan, the new orchards, fields, and meadows will be restricted to Forager use and will be constantly monitored for trespassers. Several crops have been discussed as candidates to be planted, including blackberries, soybeans, apples, sweet yams and Bradford pears.

Once signed up for the Forager, students will receive the accompanying “Live like a Bear” survival package free of charge to aid them in their daily search for food. Included in the package are a “harvest basket” to gather wild fruits and vegetables, a pass key to the electric fence which will surround the cultivated crops, and a convenient, sawed-off shotgun to aid in their pursuit of fresh game. Likely sources of meat will include pigeons, rabbits, squirrels, pre-frosh and rare migratory birds.

The University is extremely optimistic about the implications of the plan and is ready to put it into action.

“This is an historic moment for the University, and for that matter, all universities across our country,” said Chancellor Karm Nothgirw. “No longer will students be confined to eating food that others have grown, slaughtered, manufactured, butchered or otherwise prepared for them.” Arts & Sciences Dean Sames “Fox” McGloud agreed, saying, “The Forager will bring a whole new degree of freedom to our students, and will bring them one step closer to living in the real world of brute survival and general carnage.”

Surprisingly, there has been some scattered criticism surrounding the implementation of the Forager plan, though the administration was quick to dismiss that there was any cause for concern. Some of the opposition has been concerned with the proposed devotion of the entire Brookings Quadrangle to sorghum cultivation. A concerned parent wrote in, “If the quad is converted to cropland, my son will have no place to comfortably pass out drunk after W.I.L.D. next year! This is utterly inexcusable.”

McGloud explained, “Agricultural space is sparse on our campus, so we’ve got to make the best of what we have.” He also used this explanation to defend the plan to convert Mudd Field to a series of honey bee colonies.

Safety concerns have also cropped up, namely surrounding the essential Forager survival package. Nothgirw was quick to reassure, however, explaining, “Any 18-year-old who doesn’t know his way around a sawed-off 12-gauge has no chance of being admitted to Washington University in the first place,” quickly adding, “Those ingrates go to Emory.”