Dear Reader: This article appears as part of Student Life’s annual April Fool’s issue. Please don’t think anything in it is true. It’s all made up.
The following is an exclusive interview that Student Libel obtained with New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner via AOL Instant Messenger. All spelling has been kept in its original state.
StudLife Editors: Thanks a lot, Mr. Steinbrenner, for having this interview with us.
TheBoss27: im not wearing any pants right now
StudLife Editors: Um, ok… So baseball season is about to get underway on Monday. How do you see the season going for the Yankees?
TheBoss27: how do i see the season going? we’re gonna win the world series, baby, what the hell do u think?
StudLife Editors: You’ve made a lot of off-season acquisitions and acquired some big names like Johnny Damon. How is he adjusting to the team and getting used to his smooth, beardless face?
TheBoss27: LOL, that was great. What a putz he didn’t even question me when I told him that the beard had to go. hes pretty much my bitch
TheBoss27: he’s getting along with the rest of the team, I guess. I mean, they make fun of him and his really small penis alot but so do I so it’s ok.
StudLife Editors: What are some of your goals for this year?
TheBoss27: right now to try out some viagara and see what all the hype is about. i’ve got a couple of dripping hot biznatches waiting for me out in the clubhouse and i’m pretty horny, so we’ll see how that is
StudLife Editors: Right. Well, what about for the team?
TheBoss27: ROFLMAO, who cares we’ll see what happens. I’ll prob wait until August or September then sign some players from when we were good a couple years back and then we’ll win our 28th world champsionshp.
StudLife Editors: Sounds pretty simple.
TheBoss27: heck yes!
StudLife Editors: “Heck yes!” Is that a line from the movie “Napolean Dynamite?”
TheBoss27: I already made like infinity of those at scout camp
StudLife Editors: Excuse me?
TheBoss27: It’s pretty much my favorite animal. It’s like a lion and a tiger mixed… bred for its skills in magic
StudLife Editors: Alrighty.. So, Mr. Steinbrenner, tell me, what’s it like being the most hated man in baseball?
TheBoss27: nobody hates me everyone loves me. Why would they hate me? Why are you asking me this? Who are you? are you that talking bowl of fruit again? I told you for the last time to stop stalking me, go away b4 I call the cops on u
StudLife Editors: It’s just Student Libel, the undergraduate newspaper of Washington University in St. Louis.
TheBoss27: oh right, the Sunshine State
StudLife Editors: So anyway, we were wondering, who’s your favorite Yankee of all-time?
TheBoss27: oooo, that’s a tough one. I mean, babe ruth was pretty tight, and mickey mantle was pretty sweet also. But I dunno, maybe john wetteland. His hat smelled like heaven.
TheBoss27: actually, wait no. definitely Thurman Munson.
StudLife Editors: And why is that?
TheBoss27: Thurman and I were a great team together. sometimes on the weekends we would get a little drunk and he would let me put munster cheese all over his body and let me eat it off him. he would always be the catcher and I’d always pitch, if ya know what I mean. He’s a sweetie.
StudLife Editors: What about your favorite current Yankee?
TheBoss27: do front office people count?
StudLife Editors: Sure.
TheBoss27: [general manager] Brian Cashman. I can make him do nething I want I just have to tell him and he does it. After I lost George Costanza to free agency I needed a patsy and Brian was my man.
TheBoss27: LOLOL111 I just made him get me a soda pop from the machine down the hall
TheBoss27: lolol, what a loser
StudLife Editors: Okay, changing gears here a bit – what’s your favorite baseball movie of all time?
TheBoss27: it’d haveta be the Scout, with Brendan Fraser and Albert Brooks
StudLife Editors: And what makes it your favorite of all time?
TheBoss27: ROFLCOPTER!!1! I just made cashman bark like a dog and hop on one leg while trying to lick his left ear. This dude is crazy delicious entertainment
StudLife Editors: Mr. Steinbrenner? Are you still there?.
TheBoss27: oh, uh, sorry. Yeah, it’s the bestest movie ever because im in it, duh. And it’s about the new york yankees, the greatest ballclub in the history of the world. You know, Steve Nebraska is actually a real person and I was the one who came up with the name of him in the movie? Yeah, it’s true. He was my fifth grade science teacher. We were pals and we would take strolls down by the river together and he’d show me about frogs and salamanders and cool stuff like that. Sometimes we’d take off all our clothes and go skinny dipping in the river, but we never got caught cuz he was so smart and knew everything.
StudLife Editors: Oh, um, how interesting.
StudLife Editors: Hello? Mr. Streinbrenner? Are you still there?
StudLife Editors: Hello?
TheBoss27: Hi, this is Brian Cashman. Sorry, George has to stop this interview immediately. He hasn’t taken his medication today and is incoherent at this point. He’s running around the office wearing nothing but his socks and keeps insisting that he’s Shoeless Joe Jackson’s reincarnation and that he needs to go build a new baseball stadium and tear down the historic Yankee Stadium. Here we go again..
StudLife Editors: Well, thank Mr. Steinbrenner for sparing us his time.
TheBoss27: Yeah, whatever.