Archive for March, 2006

Steinbrenner reveals pedophilia, schizophrenic tendencies via AIM

Friday, March 31st, 2006 | Silence Do-Good

Dear Reader: This article appears as part of Student Life’s annual April Fool’s issue. Please don’t think anything in it is true. It’s all made up.

The following is an exclusive interview that Student Libel obtained with New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner via AOL Instant Messenger. All spelling has been kept in its original state.

StudLife Editors: Thanks a lot, Mr. Steinbrenner, for having this interview with us.

TheBoss27: im not wearing any pants right now

StudLife Editors: Um, ok… So baseball season is about to get underway on Monday. How do you see the season going for the Yankees?

TheBoss27: how do i see the season going? we’re gonna win the world series, baby, what the hell do u think?

StudLife Editors: You’ve made a lot of off-season acquisitions and acquired some big names like Johnny Damon. How is he adjusting to the team and getting used to his smooth, beardless face?

TheBoss27: LOL, that was great. What a putz he didn’t even question me when I told him that the beard had to go. hes pretty much my bitch

TheBoss27: he’s getting along with the rest of the team, I guess. I mean, they make fun of him and his really small penis alot but so do I so it’s ok.

StudLife Editors: What are some of your goals for this year?

TheBoss27: right now to try out some viagara and see what all the hype is about. i’ve got a couple of dripping hot biznatches waiting for me out in the clubhouse and i’m pretty horny, so we’ll see how that is

StudLife Editors: Right. Well, what about for the team?

TheBoss27: ROFLMAO, who cares we’ll see what happens. I’ll prob wait until August or September then sign some players from when we were good a couple years back and then we’ll win our 28th world champsionshp.

StudLife Editors: Sounds pretty simple.

TheBoss27: heck yes!

StudLife Editors: “Heck yes!” Is that a line from the movie “Napolean Dynamite?”

TheBoss27: I already made like infinity of those at scout camp

StudLife Editors: Excuse me?

TheBoss27: It’s pretty much my favorite animal. It’s like a lion and a tiger mixed… bred for its skills in magic

StudLife Editors: Alrighty.. So, Mr. Steinbrenner, tell me, what’s it like being the most hated man in baseball?

TheBoss27: nobody hates me everyone loves me. Why would they hate me? Why are you asking me this? Who are you? are you that talking bowl of fruit again? I told you for the last time to stop stalking me, go away b4 I call the cops on u

StudLife Editors: It’s just Student Libel, the undergraduate newspaper of Washington University in St. Louis.

TheBoss27: oh right, the Sunshine State

StudLife Editors: So anyway, we were wondering, who’s your favorite Yankee of all-time?

TheBoss27: oooo, that’s a tough one. I mean, babe ruth was pretty tight, and mickey mantle was pretty sweet also. But I dunno, maybe john wetteland. His hat smelled like heaven.

TheBoss27: actually, wait no. definitely Thurman Munson.

StudLife Editors: And why is that?

TheBoss27: Thurman and I were a great team together. sometimes on the weekends we would get a little drunk and he would let me put munster cheese all over his body and let me eat it off him. he would always be the catcher and I’d always pitch, if ya know what I mean. He’s a sweetie.

StudLife Editors: What about your favorite current Yankee?

TheBoss27: do front office people count?

StudLife Editors: Sure.

TheBoss27: [general manager] Brian Cashman. I can make him do nething I want I just have to tell him and he does it. After I lost George Costanza to free agency I needed a patsy and Brian was my man.

TheBoss27: LOLOL111 I just made him get me a soda pop from the machine down the hall

TheBoss27: lolol, what a loser

StudLife Editors: Okay, changing gears here a bit – what’s your favorite baseball movie of all time?

TheBoss27: it’d haveta be the Scout, with Brendan Fraser and Albert Brooks

StudLife Editors: And what makes it your favorite of all time?

TheBoss27: ROFLCOPTER!!1! I just made cashman bark like a dog and hop on one leg while trying to lick his left ear. This dude is crazy delicious entertainment

StudLife Editors: Mr. Steinbrenner? Are you still there?.

TheBoss27: oh, uh, sorry. Yeah, it’s the bestest movie ever because im in it, duh. And it’s about the new york yankees, the greatest ballclub in the history of the world. You know, Steve Nebraska is actually a real person and I was the one who came up with the name of him in the movie? Yeah, it’s true. He was my fifth grade science teacher. We were pals and we would take strolls down by the river together and he’d show me about frogs and salamanders and cool stuff like that. Sometimes we’d take off all our clothes and go skinny dipping in the river, but we never got caught cuz he was so smart and knew everything.

StudLife Editors: Oh, um, how interesting.

StudLife Editors: Hello? Mr. Streinbrenner? Are you still there?

StudLife Editors: Hello?

TheBoss27: Hi, this is Brian Cashman. Sorry, George has to stop this interview immediately. He hasn’t taken his medication today and is incoherent at this point. He’s running around the office wearing nothing but his socks and keeps insisting that he’s Shoeless Joe Jackson’s reincarnation and that he needs to go build a new baseball stadium and tear down the historic Yankee Stadium. Here we go again..

StudLife Editors: Well, thank Mr. Steinbrenner for sparing us his time.

TheBoss27: Yeah, whatever.

Laurel Sagartz set to join soccer, basketball, and track teams next season

Friday, March 31st, 2006 | Carrie Jarka

Dear Reader: This article appears as part of Student Life’s annual April Fool’s issue. Please don’t think anything in it is true. It’s all made up.

After a meeting with head softball coach Leticia Pineda-Boutte, junior Laurel Sagartz announced Thursday that she will be joining the women’s soccer, basketball and track teams for her senior year in order to set records for number of varsity letters awarded to an individual and number of national championships won. Although it has never been done before and she is still not completely sure if she wants to do it, Sagartz will also petition the Washington University Athletic Department and head coach Larry Kindbom to play on the football team as well, despite her clear gender role assignment as a female.

Sagartz, who already plays on the perennial contending volleyball and softball teams, says that adding four more sports will not be that much more difficult.

“Five or six is not that much more than two, I mean, some of the seasons overlap anyway, so I said, ‘Why not?'” said Sagartz.

Sagartz, who is a two-time University Athletic Association player of the year for softball, played soccer, basketball, and track in high school. The softball star finished second overall in the high jump her senior year and was named second-team All-State in basketball. While she played very little soccer in high school, she is looking for a challenge and developing her footwork.

Tentative her first two years, Sagartz decided to join the volleyball team this past year. After experiencing the life of a two-sport athlete, Sagartz decided to increase to five because two sports, along with a strenuous class load, did not occupy enough of her time.

“During the off-season I go crazy when I find myself actually having a moment to breathe, a moment to think about world events and the opportunity to pee,” said Sagartz. “I just can’t take that; three or four more sports can help ease my off-season pain.”

The athletic department has offered Sagartz use of the new athlete lounge for her private residence as well.

“The lounge would be perfect because I’m going to be spending so much time there. It’s great to just live at the AC,” said Sagartz.

Undaunted by her challenge, Sagartz will start her training schedule after the 2006 softball season.

“I have combined the workouts from all five teams, so my workouts should only last three hours.” So much for taking it easy senior year.

Two Bears soccer players charged in September sex boat scandal

Friday, March 31st, 2006 | Joe Ciolli
Timmy O’Toole

Dear Reader: This article appears as part of Student Life’s annual April Fool’s issue. Please don’t think anything in it is true. It’s all made up.

Soccer season may be over for seniors John Horky and Nick Kalscheur, but their off-field legal problems certainly are not. Horky, an all-conference defender, and Kalscheur, a forward, will be charged with three sexually related misdemeanors apiece for their actions on a highly secretive charter cruise on Sept. 20 of last year, following a 4-0 thrashing of Illinois Wesleyan University. Horky tallied two assists in the match, while Kalscheur netted two goals. Afterwards, the two players were undoubtedly looking to blow off some steam.

The dynamic duo each face charges of indecent conduct, lewd and lascivious conduct, and contributing to the delinquency of a mascot. The boat chartered by Horky and Kalscheur was scheduled for a three and a half hour trip around Spanish Lake in northeastern St. Louis County, but was ordered back to shore within one hour because of alleged lewd sex acts possibly involving strippers, prostitution and one very horny mascot.

According to reports from county officials and several eyewitnesses, soon after the boat pushed off from the dock, Horky and Kalscheur disappeared into a galley and were followed shortly thereafter by several strippers and an unidentified person donning a Washington University Bears mascot outfit. Shortly thereafter, the two teammates emerged nude with the scantily-clad females, belting out an obviously alcohol-induced rendition of “I Want it That Way” by the Backstreet Boys. The song choice came in apparent mockery of their roommate and Bears tennis player senior Eric Borden’s pathetic musical taste.

While Horky and Kalscheur enjoyed the presence of their showgirl friends, who allegedly went by the stage names Debbie Do-me, Samantha Westwood, and Tiger Lily, this was no laughing matter.

“They were caught performing lewd acts with sex toys, while the mascot, apparently in a drunken bout of jealousy, started rubbing its furry hindquarters on other unsuspecting cruise patrons,” reported St. Louis County Deputy Sheriff Richard Dragon.

“I was just sitting there minding my own business, watching Horky eat edible panties off a hooker, when all of a sudden this big burly bear started rubbing his tail on me,” commented an unidentified female who was also on the boat. “At first I liked it, you know, because I’ve always had a thing for Smokey the Bear, but then it got too much. It soon became apparent that this bear was intoxicated, and that Horky and Kalscheur had provided the alcohol.”

Following the incident, Horky spoke out in his own defense.

“I don’t understand why people are getting so upset about this,” he said. “I mean, bears should be able to get hammered just the same as humans. I didn’t want to make the bear feel left out. I even made out with the bear for a few minutes, just to make it feel wanted.”

Horky’s hook-up admission could land him in even more trouble, as reports are circulating that the person in the mascot costume was in fact a 17-year-old.

Kalscheur had a separate charge of “dong flashing” that St. Louis County Sheriff Hugh Jaboaner recently described as “the most egregious display of dong I’ve seen in recent months. I mean, that thing was out, and it wasn’t going anywhere.”

Various spectators have also described Kalscheur’s further legal woe as “a bulbous meat hammer with a mind of its own.”

Kalscheur has gone public with his intention to plead insanity on the behalf of his man-made walking stick.

“I find no personal responsibility within the involuntary actions of my tricked-out juice hog,” commented Kalscheur. “I’m a big, bad man, and sometimes my body keeps it real. maybe too real.”

Regardless of their respective defenses, Horky and Kalscheur could soon find themselves keeping it real in the slammer, where they could have a big furry bear of a man charged with child molestation rub his kit-‘n’-kaboodle all over the duo’s body.

Track and field gets lazy; starts using Rascal scooters

Friday, March 31st, 2006 | Justin Davidson
Samwise Gamgee

Dear Reader: This article appears as part of Student Life’s annual April Fool’s issue. Please don’t think anything in it is true. It’s all made up.

In a twist of irony, the Washington University track and field teams have given up their old ways and embarked upon a new mission in collegiate track and field. The team, captained by senior Brennan Bonner, an all-around stud, has reneged their running ways and begun to use Rascal scooters instead.

“I was up really late one night when I had a revelation while watching an infomercial for Rascal scooters,” said Bonner. “I realized that those old people zipping along merrily on their Rascals had the right idea – life was so much easier when you didn’t have to walk, and especially when you didn’t have to do any stupid running.”

In a moment of revelation, Bonner proceeded to write a 238-page memo about all that the Rascal scooter can do for the common man. The memo was sent to members of the Athletic Department and the Washington University administration in the hopes that they would spring for the money to buy Rascals for every runner.

“I decided to change things up for my team and install a new ‘No Scooter, No Action’ policy. I talked to coach about it and he loved the idea,” said Bonner. “The only obstacle was getting the money to pay for the Rascals, but after some whoring ourselves out and opening up an illegal sweatshop in East St. Louis, we were almost there.

Since the administration had approximately $6 billion dollars to spare, they were able to cover the difference of the costs and make Bonner’s dream come true.

“Since we brought in our Rascals, we’ve never been happier. In endurance races we’re achieving speeds of 8-12 miles per hour, and for the short distance sprints we got some engineers to build some rockets that can be mounted on the backside of the Rascals for maximum speed bursts of up to 26 miles per hour,” said Bonner.

The previous record for speed was held by Olympic gold medalist Michael Johnson, who recorded a speed of 24 miles per hour in a sprint.

Since the enactment of the Rascal Scooter policy last month, Bonner has gained 13 pounds and his legs have begun the long and grueling process of atrophy.

“I haven’t really been moving around much since I got my Rascal. I’m just sick and tired of actually making my body do anything, and it deserves a break. I tried to stand up the other day to reach for a burrito that I had dropped, but it was too much for me. It’s okay, though. I like being lazy like this and I only wish I had done this sooner. Besides, I’m saving a ton of money on deodorant,” said Bonner.

During practice, the team now has time to pursue other activities, such as Bumper Rascals, jousting events on Francis Field and drag races down Big Bend Blvd.

The track and field team is competing today and tomorrow in the Washington University Invitational. But no one cares.

Sports Briefs

Friday, March 31st, 2006 | Justin Davidson

Dear Reader: This article appears as part of Student Life’s annual April Fool’s issue. Please don’t think anything in it is true. It’s all made up.

MeghanMarie Fowler-Finn to marry John Jacob Jingle-Heimer-Schmidt

Soccer phenom junior MeghanMarie Fowler-Finn will be wed to long-time boyfriend John Jacob Jingle-Heimer-Schmidt in Graham Chapel on May 18. Jingle-Heimer-Schmidt, 26, of children’s television show “Barney” fame, has been courting Fowler-Finn for four years. It is reported that Fowler-Finn plans to keep her surname and combine it with her new husband’s following the wedding. The Jingle-Heimer-Schmidt-Fowler-Finns will hold a theme wedding focused on the classic Dr. Seuss book “The Cat in the Hat.'” Fowler-Finn’s maid of honor is reported to be soccer star Mia Hamm, wife of former baseball All-Star Nomar Garciaparra. The post-wedding reception will be held on Francis Field immediately afterwards, where they will eat opponents for dinner.

Several WU athletes investigated in steroid probe

After Student Libel released pictures of topless male athletes in the Friday, Feb. 13 Sex Issue, an investigation to determine whether steroids played a part in several athletes’ chiseled physiques was undertaken by University officials. On Thursday, the University released a report indicating the full breadth of an extremely complex steroid ring involving members of the Washington University athletics department, student-athletes and leprechauns.

Players included in the report were basketballers Jonathan Breshears (junior), Cameron Williams (junior), Moss Schermerhorn (sophomore), soccer stars Onyi Okoroafor (sophomore), Rob Weeks (senior), Marshall Plow (sophomore), and the entire men’s swim team. It is believed that the supplier is baseball second baseman David Kramer. The 5-foot, 8-inch 165-pound junior supplied the team with horse, rhinocerous, elephant and shark growth enhancement steroids as well as a number of gels and creams that can be applied to muscles.

Although eyewitnesses have only seen Kramer supply members of the Athletic Department with the aforementioned banned substances, rumors have been running rampant of unprecedented ball shrinkage and ‘roid rages on the parts of those accused.

Duesing drops pass

In a pick-up game of touch football, senior All-American Brad Duesing dropped a pass on a slant pattern from senior quarterback Nick Henry Tuesday afternoon. “The pass was right to him and he just dropped it,” explained Henry. “I couldn’t believe it, and I saw it with my own two eyes. That doesn’t happen to Brad Duesing.”

After looking down speechless at the motionless ball on the ground for 10 minutes, Duesing allegedly broke out into a wild tantrum and proceeded to rip the ball apart piece by piece. Eyewitnesses would only comment on the event under the condition of anonymity. “He started to turn green and his muscles began bulging,” said an eyewitness. “I was eating a turkey sandwich when he came up to me and grabbed it out of my hand and spiked it to the ground. I turned and ran for my life.” Duesing has not been heard of or seen since the incident. He is believed to be on a quest to find Carmen San Diego, but reports have not been confirmed.

Wardrobe malfunction at WU volleyball game boosts attendance 600 percent

In a bizarre course of events, volleyball junior Megan Delcourt was involved in a wardrobe malfunction at a recent Washington University home match against Fontbonne University. The usually reliable skin-tight outfit failed to stay attached to the 5-foot, 10-inch blonde as Delcourt went up for a kill, exposing herself to the team and a crowd of 23 spectators.

Following the incident, word of the flashing spread like wildfire throughout the Washington University student body, prompting a 600 percent increase in attendance at games. Horny and sexually frustrated engineering students compose approximately 70 percent of this new fan base. Allegations that the malfunction was deliberately created by Athletic Department officials have not been confirmed, but the result is very promising for the department.

“It was a very unfortunate event, but one that we have no control over now,” said Athletic Director John Shael as he looked mischievously at Assistant Athletic Director T.J. Shelton and winked. “What’s done is done and all we can do now is sit back and appreciate what the malfunction has done for Washington University athletics.”

Wrighton cuts football funding for basement bowling alley expansion

Chancellor Mark Wrighton announced on Wednesday that all funding for the varsity football team will be cut for the next three years in order to pay for the expansion of the bowling alley in the basement of his home on Forsyth Blvd.

“Due to the popularity of my bowling alley for freshmen during Orientation, I have made the executive decision to suspend University funding for the football team,” announced Wrighton. “The money will go to an expansion of Wrighton Lanes, which will include the construction of 10 new lanes, a concession stand, and neat graphics modeled off of those at Tropicana Lanes. A tiki bar will also be available to students who are 21 and older.”

Head football coach Larry Kindbom is outraged by the disrespect that the University has shown to the program. “I am outraged by the disrespect that the University has given to the program,” he said.

Kindbom and 28 players have gone on a hunger strike since the announcement on Wednesday, refusing to eat until their funding is restored to its original amount.

“Let ’em starve,” said Wrighton. “We do not negotiate with terrorists.”

Triebe, Slavik sell National Championship speedos on eBay

After seniors Eric Triebe and Mike Slavik won National Championship titles in the 2006 NCAA Division III National Championships over spring break, the two have been hounded constantly by adoring fans and young women. Autograph requests have been at an all-time high for the duo and the two have been unable to leave their apartments without being followed by the paparazzi. In addition, requests numbering in the hundreds for National Championship souvenirs have been received by the Athletic Department.

After hearing about such requests, the pair decided to auction off the speedos they wore in their Championship-winning races on eBay. Since the auction was launched two days ago, there have been a combined 1,236 bids, with the most recent bid coming in at $980 for Slavik’s trunks and an unbelievable $1,435 for Triebe’s winning member. The auction will end on Saturday at noon. The two plan on using their earnings to go on a week-long drunken binge, to buy a robot who they plan to call “C3YourMom” and to sponsor a starving child from Ethiopia.

Bears baseball attendance skyrockets, forcing team to move into Busch Stadium

Friday, March 31st, 2006 | Scott Kaufman-Ross
Bob Costas

Dear Reader: This article appears as part of Student Life’s annual April Fool’s issue. Please don’t think anything in it is true. It’s all made up.

Nobody saw this coming. After years of complaining about the lack of student support for Washington University athletics, the student body has changed its ways. Due to the recent success of the Bears’ baseball team, which proudly boasts a record of 19-4, students have flocked to the field to watch. Crowds were being reported in the tens of thousands as recently as this weekend.

In order to compensate for the lack of seating, the roofs of Lien, Gregg and Nemerov Houses have been packed. Engineering students have recently installed seating bolted into the rooftops of the aforementioned buildings. Furthermore, students of Lien who have windows facing Kelly Field have began to auction off their rooms so that people can look out the windows.

“I sold six spots in my room for $150 dollars each,” said Lien resident Nate Frogge. “I have started taking offers for this coming weekend’s games against Knox and they are coming in at around $200-300 a pop. I’m making a killing.”

After a student fell off the roof of Gregg last week as the Bears upended Elmhurst College 11-4, the University has been forced to take action to avoid any possible lawsuits that might arise.

Since then, Brookings has been in talks with the front office of the St. Louis Cardinals to find a solution. On Wednesday, the two sides reached a deal to make the new Busch Stadium the future site of all Bears home games. The brand new facility seats 46,000 people, just big enough to satisfy recent demand. Due the Bears’ increase in popularity, interest has arisen in taking Wash. U. baseball to Division I, but the administration is reportedly still not interested.

“We are committed to academics, and even though the overwhelming majority of the student body would like to see us in Division I, we just don’t care,” said Chancellor Mark Wrighton.

Star pitcher senior Brent Buffa (5-0) and shortstop captain Ryan Corning (.500 BA, 20 RBIs, two HR) have jersey sales hitting an all-time high. A recent study reported that Buffa’s and Corning’s jerseys are now second and third, respectively, amongst jerseys sold in St. Louis. Only Albert Pujols’ No. 5 is currently flying off the shelves faster.

“Corning is just so dreamy,” said junior Alexis Robinson, donning his No. 5 jersey. “His body is sculpted from angels and his eyes are mesmerizing. He looks so hot with his tight baseball pants and cute baseball hat. He’s just such a dreamboat.”

The Cardinals’ home opener is set for April 10, and Cardinals officials are reportedly allowing the Bears to play anytime the Cardinals are away. A Cardinals’ spokesperson said that as long as the games draw a minimum of 25,000 fans they can continue to hold the games there. This should not be a problem, as the recent crowds have been estimated between 30,000-40,000.

Many St. Louis natives are outraged about this recent news.

“I think it is great that Wash. U. students are supporting their athletics,” St. Louis citizen Chris Halenkamp said. “But it’s bullshit. St. Louis is a Cards town and this is their stadium. How can you let kids play in the new stadium before the Cards? Who the hell are the Bears? The only Bears we know are from Chicago, and we hate Chicago.”

Although controversial, this decision marks a monumental day in Washington University athletics. The football program is currently talking to Rams’ officials to inquire about the availability of the Edward Jones Dome on Saturday afternoons.

Terrorist attack on WU Athletic Center spurred by lack of sports coverage

Friday, March 31st, 2006 | Alex Schwartz
Mild-mannered Clark Kent, Superman Photo Collection

Dear Reader: This article appears as part of Student Life’s annual April Fool’s issue. Please don’t think anything in it is true. It’s all made up.

When junior Cameron Williams stands in the main entrance of the Athletic Center, he can do so knowing that he, not Athletic Director John Schael, is calling the shots. Cameron, once best known for his spectacular abs and his status as an All-American high jumper, is now the ringleader of a massive terrorist attack on Washington University’s campus. Williams, who prefers to be acknowledged only as “Super-flying Sweet-ass Ninja,” is responsible for subduing potential rabble-rousers and eliminating any potential threats to security.

“When Coach asked who was up for a clandestine operation like this one, it was really a no-brainer,” said Williams. “Who else can enter second-story windows by leaping? I was the clear candidate.”

Williams understands that the student body may not react positively to this act of aggression by the track and field team, but he thinks that it is past time for athletes to receive the attention and credit they deserve on campus.

“Student Libel doesn’t even cover our meets anymore. They say they are going to cover us on the back page, then there’s some stupid 50-word blurb in the middle. Nobody even knows we exist,” exclaimed Williams. “I bet half the kids on this campus couldn’t tell the difference between a high-jump and a naked woman. We will not back down until our simple demands are met: We want daily coverage in Student Libel, we want nationally televised meets and we want a burrito station to be placed in the Village dining area.”

“The track and field team has meets? Clearly there’s been a major misunderstanding,” said Student Libel Eater of Souls Justin Davidson in response to these wild, haphazard allegations. “I mean, didn’t we cover them once last year? Isn’t that enough?”

The assault on the Athletic Center began last night at approximately 2 a.m.. Dressed in all black with totally awesome crossed samurai swords strapped to his back, Cameron dispatched security cameras with wicked-sweet ninja-star throws. He then placed all potential enemies in the sleeper hold one by one and opened the doors for his fellow teammates to enter. Williams then ordered all javelin hurlers to the roof to act as sentries, and sent the distance runners to set up a perimeter of defense.

Junior Francis Xavier Flanagan, a former member of the practice squad and perhaps the fastest man alive, was glad he got out of there before things got sticky.

“I’ve seen this coming for a long time. It’s just not right. When I heard this plan was in the works last year, I decided I’d spend my entire junior year abroad in London to avoid the fallout,” he said. But Flanagan adamantly stated that while perhaps the attack isn’t justified, there is some truth to the team’s claims. “There’s just no way for the track team to co-exist with such poor coverage and non-existent fan support.”

Before beginning the attacks on the University, members of the track team approached sophomores Mohammed Al-Hafez and Mustafa Musad for advice.

“We were just walking through the Quad one day when a bunch of people wearing track suits came up to us and insisted that we help them carry out their terrorist plot. I didn’t even know what the hell they were talking about,” said Al-Hafez. “I mean, we’re from Nebraska. Just because we’re Muslim doesn’t make us terrorists.”

Despite their insistence that they knew nothing about terrorism, the track team members kept questioning them.

“They kept asking us where they can find Osama and who the members of our terrorist cell are, and wouldn’t believe us when we said we had no idea,” added Musad. “After a while we were tired of them so we just turned and pointed to the east. I think we pointed them in the right direction, but who really knows?”

After their successful takeover of the Athletic Center, the track and field team is currently in talks with a few new, “special” recruits from various University athletic teams to aid them in their relentless assault on Washington University’s campus. In addition to fireballer junior pitcher Laurel Sagartz, the track team has contacted members of the football team to act as mindless drones, members of the swimming team for aquatic stealth missions and members of the volleyball team for something to look at.

After hearing about these heinous attacks on the Midwest soil, President Bush was outraged.

“Aggression on this nation’s soil will not be tolerated,” he said from his Crawford, Texas ranch while attempting to do a Gentle Sudoku. “I hereby declare the United States’ involvement in Operation Marathon, a 26-step program to eliminate the evil-doers from the Washington University Athletic Center. We will not sleep until the threat is eliminated, a more trendy issue is found or we get tired – whichever comes first.”

University officials are projecting the takeover to be a long, drawn-out one that will not resolve itself any time soon. Persons wishing to work out or play a recreational sport are asked to stay at least 200 yards away from the Athletic Center at all times, lest ye face a javelin to the chest.

WU to officially change mascot from the ‘Bears’ to the ‘Pre-Meds’

Friday, March 31st, 2006 | Justin Davidson
Mr. October

Dear Reader: This article appears as part of Student Life’s annual April Fool’s issue. Please don’t think anything in it is true. It’s all made up.

In a statement made to the St. Louis community on Thursday, Chancellor Mark Wrighton, inventor of the glow stick, announced that Washington University will change the official name of its mascot from the Bears to the Pre-Meds, effective immediately.

“In an attempt to foster more unity, courage, and spirit among the Washington University student body, we have decided to change the mascot name of Washington University to something that appeals to a wider range of the population,” Wrighton wrote in his 6,433rd email of the year to the University community. “After much debate amongst ourselves, we came to the conclusion that the ‘Pre-Meds’ best embodies the sentiments of the students, faculty, and administration of this fine University.”

Several potential names were thrown around during a brown-bag luncheon of campus administrators on Monday, but the top three finalists came down to the ‘Danforths,’ the ‘Uglies,’ and the ‘Pre-Meds.’ Other possibilities that did not make the cut included the ‘Glowstix,’ the ‘Crazy Squirrels,’ the ‘Israelites,’ the ‘Constructors,’ the ‘Dorks,’ and the ‘We have way too much money and we don’t know how to use it so we waste it on pointless things like LCD TVs that are never used in a caf‚ that is more of a social venue than a place of study and flowers all around campus that are replaced just about every two weeks so our campus looks pretty for all the prospective freshmen so that we can get even more money and then we can wipe our asses with $100 bills rather than the crappy two-ply that they supply us with in with the freshman dorms which need to all be torn down and built again because like we said before we have way too much money and tossing it around like monopoly money is a fun thing to do and we get bored during the day because hey, we’re in Missouri.”

The name change will result in a tuition increase of approximately $4,150 for the upcoming semester.

“In order to see this change come to fruition,” said Wrighton, “we will need to raise next year’s tuition by $4,150, to be followed by an annual increase of approximately 3.5 percent. This is a small price to pay for the invaluable goal of increasing campus spirit and awareness of the elitism of our Midwest oasis. Besides, it’s not like the majority of students can’t afford it; this is chump change for all the suburban Chicagoans and Long Islanders who inhabit this University. Additionally, this is the first step in taking control in the War with Emory. Soon freedom will ring true and everyone will know that Washington University is in the great city of St. Louis.”

The Bears have been known as the Keepers of the Forest since 1907, and yet the lack of school spirit and pride in athletics has been apparent for decades.

“Wait a minute, we have sports teams here? Like, actual teams?” senior Josh Mattock asked. “I’ve been here four years and I haven’t heard anything about any sports. I mean, I’ve heard of Extreme Orgo-ing, but that’s about it. There’s definitely no athletics anywhere near here.”

There are times when even the athletes themselves have doubted their allegiance to the Bear.

“I have to admit, there have been times when I was out there on the court and the only thing I could think about was orgo backside-attacking me,” said freshman basketball player and pre-med major Tyler Born. “I was completely lost out there not knowing what the hell kind of bear the Wash. U. bear is. My only solace was the comfort of knowing that later in the evening I would be safely hunched over my desk studying for my biology exam for hours and hours on end, only to receive a 45. Ah, now that’s what I’m talking about.” Born is one of the top students in his class.

Generally, the campus is feeling very good about this change.

“Oh boy, am I excited!” exclaimed junior Rachel Steinberg as she peered up from her physics textbook. “All my friends and I will be out there rooting on our pre-med friends while they take their Chem II exams next Thursday. It’s gonna be great! I can’t wait for a tailgating party outside LabSci before finals.”

As a result of the effort, Red Alert will also go through a massive revamping of its program. Instead of free pizza before home games, Red Alert, who will be changing their name to The Ribosome Reactants beginning in the fall, will organize group study sessions and pass out energy drinks at the library for late-night study sessions.

“I’m really excited about everything that’s happening here,” said junior Sara Morris, co-director of the former Red Alert. “For the first time, people will actually care about what we do and we’ll actually be recognized by the students and faculty. It’s really exciting. Go Pre-Meds!”

Administration announces new University dress Code

Friday, March 31st, 2006 | Sty L. Maven
Dan Daranciang

Dear Reader: This article appears as part of Student Life’s annual April Fool’s issue. Please don’t think anything in it is true. It’s all made up.

Until recently, Washington University administration trusted all students and staff to make responsible decisions concerning proper clothing and footwear. Unfortunately, the clothing choices of Wash. U. students, faculty and staff are consistently criticized by visitors to the community and members of the community alike. Therefore, starting this fall, administration will implement a new dress code.

While most items apply to the whole community, some are aimed directly at students. The administration hopes that this dress code will improve the school’s image and “perhaps ease tensions within the community that stem from fashion disagreements,” said Mark Whitham, the newly-appointed Chief Administrator of Apparel.

“We tried to let students make their own choices, but have decided it is in the University’s best interests to set in motion new controls,” said Whitham. “We simply can’t have a student body that is fashionably unintelligent.”

A copy of the complete code can be obtained from the main offices of each school on campus. Following is a list of the rules, which, according to Whitham, “address the most embarrassing and unfortunate dressing habits that are prevalent on campus today.”

I. All members of the community are expected to be clothed on a daily basis.

II. All articles of clothing and accessory bearing the name of another higher-education institution are hereby banned from campus. Sweatpants, shirts, etc. that advertise other schools will not be tolerated under any circumstances. Miscreants who do not comply with this rule will be forbidden from all aspects of University social life, including the right to consume food in public spaces, for a period of three months.

III. The sporting of any form of clothing adorned with the North Face logo is prohibited to all members of the Washington University community, faculty notwithstanding. Bearing North Face merchandise, if observed, may result in removal from the premises under charges of conformity and commercial corruption.

IV. All students are required to wear generic white iPod headphones. As the administration recognizes the fashion value of wearing headphones in but one ear, such a style is acceptable per University standards. Rhinestoned, colored or non-Apple brand headphones will not be accepted; all such devices will be confiscated and their owners fined at the discretion of the University.

V. Only 31 percent of the area of a pair of pants may consist of holes. If questionable, the holes-to-fabric ratio of a particular pair of pants will be calculated by a member of the administration. Any person found wearing pants with a lower ratio of holes-to-fabric than allowed will be asked to temporarily patch the holes with recycled paper from Olin Library and will be expected to permanently patch enough holes to fulfill University guidelines within a period of four days.

VI. Any person who chooses to wear boots known as Uggs, or boots/shoes that resemble Uggs (denoted by clownish, rounded toes and fur accents and linings) must adhere to strict guidelines concerning the appropriate use of said footwear.
i. Under no circumstances may Uggs or similar footwear and miniskirts be worn simultaneously. This “look” breaks common-laws of civility and respectability that all members of the community are expected to uphold. Persons not respecting this rule will be asked to surrender any pairs of footwear corresponding to the aforementioned description to Washington University police authorities.
ii. Any person wearing Uggs or similar footwear concurrently with tight, legging-like pants will be asked to remove the footwear and proceed barefoot until he or she can retrieve and don alternate footwear.

VII. Persons choosing to wear collared shirts must be warned that popped collars will not be tolerated by the Washington University administration. Popped collars suggest that the wearer does not respect the significance of money and good-breeding, both of which are suggested by a properly collared shirt. As the University wishes all of its members to appreciate superiority and affluence, any persons seen with their collars popped will be asked to submit an essay about the benefits of elitism.

VIII. Persons are expressly forbidden from wearing any form of boot outside of their pants. All boot-tops are expected to be concealed underneath jeans or another form of long pant. The term “boots” includes but is not limited to: cowboy boots, rain boots, combat boots and the Uggs or similar footwear mentioned in Item V. Failure to comply with this stipulation may result in disciplinary action.

IX. Though the University realizes the comfort and convenience of sweat suits, persons are not encouraged to wear the matching top and bottom of a sweat suit at the same time. Wearing a complete sweat suit implies laziness and a lack of creativity. Owners of Juicy and other designer sweat suits are by no means excused from this rule.

X. It has been found that excessive jewelry makes it hard for one to participate in written activities in the classroom. Therefore, one may not wear any more than up to three rings on the hand with which one does not write and one ring on the hand with which one writes. Any person found lying about a state of right- or left-handedness will lose their privilege to wear rings.

XI. The footwear worn by students must not have heels exceeding a height of one third of an inch. Heeled shoes of a greater height pose a threat to other members of the community as the high-heeled shoe of a student running to class may become dislodged, fly through the air and poke another person in the eye. In respect of their authority, members of the staff and faculty are permitted to wear shoes with heels of up to half an inch.

XII. No clothing or accessory shall be allowed that states the name of the nation’s first president, George Washington. Though the University does indeed revere this magnificent man, modeling of goods that bear his name does naught to lessen the confusion about the University’s proper name.

All members of the community are encouraged to take an active role in promoting the University’s new dress code. If a member spots another in defiance of any of these rules, the member should contact Whitham. He can be reached directly by dialing ICE-ESIN (935-5746) from any campus phone.

‘Sex, Drugs and Alcohol’ cluster inserted into the new ArtSci curriculum

Friday, March 31st, 2006 | Ruby Hitzemann

Dear Reader: This article appears as part of Student Life’s annual April Fool’s issue. Please don’t think anything in it is true. It’s all made up.

Due to student complaints that the cluster system does not provide enough options for them to complete their requirements and take classes they want, the administration has decided to introduce a scintillating new cluster entitled “Sex, Drugs and Alcohol.”

“We really think students aren’t well informed about these important aspects of life,” explained Chancellor Mark Wrighton with a wink and a nudge. “The students here are such goody-goodies. They need to be educated, if you know what I mean. This cluster is going to give students valuable life lessons that they will remember again and again and again and again.”

The classes in this cluster will immerse the student in all aspects of these integral vices. The sex section of the cluster is designed to teach students the personal and social methods of coitus. Classes include, “Orgasms: You Rub Me The Right Way,” “I’ll Kama Your Sutra: Positions and Pick-ups from Around the World” and “How Your Grandma Got It On: Sex Through the Ages.”

The alcohol section tries to show students how partying is what they came to college for. Alcohol classes include, “Beer Bongs Are Not Just For Sorority Girls: How All Cultures Love The Booze,” “How To Binge Drink With The Best Of Them: Academics As Alcoholics” and “Let’s Get Retarded: Helping Smart People Drink Stupidly.”

The drugs section of the course is meant to heighten students’ spirits and disable their brains for future professions. Classes offered include, “How To Get High,” “How To Stay High” and “The Many Different Highs Of High.” Teachers and students will regularly sample all the drugs they talk about so as to create the smokiest learning environment possible. As part of class protocol, pop drug tests will be conducted to ensure that students are studying.

Students must take one course at least from each section of the new cluster and all must take the advanced course, “The Big Bang: How To Be Baked, Stoned, Wasted and Unchaste All At Once,” as an ending course to tie together all they have learned. The class will include such activities as shooting up while tied to a bedpost and blindfolded.

Dean John Reremy of the School of Arts & Sciences thinks the new cluster is the answer to declining student interest in a full liberal arts education.

“Students don’t know what they are missing when they forego a liberal education,” said Reremy. “Education is not a one-night stand. You need to be in it, caress it, make it tingle. We’re encouraging students to get down and dirty with learning.”

To the surprise of all Washington University faculty, students are really up in (each other’s) arms about the new cluster. The large majority of the students feel the administration is trying to compromise their morals.

“I mean, what’s next?!?” asked exasperated sophomore Gussy Palore. “Infanticide lessons? How to be a sociopath? This administration’s values just keep getting more and more perverse.”

Other students have specific concerns about how the new cluster will affect the ever so huge party scene.

“I mean, we want to be a dry campus,” said Eyem A. Drunk, junior and president of Alpha Kappa Beta Delta Phi Gamma Mu Zeta fraternity. “We have fun all on our own. We don’t need to party. We have homework to occupy us. I mean, I am so excited because I am writing a dozen 20-page papers this weekend. All of my brothers are doing it. Why is the administration putting all this pressure on us? I’m worried we might get kicked off campus if we fail to drink.”

Despite their concerns, there is not much students can do about it. Just as in the past, if the college thinks that a cluster makes sense, it makes sense – end of story. Dean Reremy suggests that if any students wish to contest the cluster or add a class, they should bone up on their sexual favors.