Archive for the ‘Twelve’ Category

Someone Good to play W.I.L.D.

Monday, March 31st, 2008 | Duncan Sheik
Lil John

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

Team 31 was excited to announce this semester’s W.I.L.D. headliner, and the pick was met with elation by students.

“Finally, Someone Good is playing at W.I.L.D.,” said senior Izzie McFizz.

Someone Good is a fusion group composed of three members and a 15-person entourage.

Team 31, the student group in charge of organizing the biannual bacchanal, petitioned for extra money from Student Union’s appeal budget with the hopes of finally landing a big name performer.

“Our recent surveys have indicated a desire for bigger and better performers,” said a Team 31 spokesperson. “Normally, we ignore all those surveys, but we figured, what the hell, let them eat cake.”

When asked how they felt about performing at W.I.L.D., Tyler Finny, lead singer for Someone Good, said, “Show me your kitties!”

Of course, having Someone Good comes at a price, and Team 31 was unable to afford any openers. Fortunately, Team 31, a resourceful group, was able to get openers that agreed to perform free of charge.

“We posted on and immediately got a flood of responses,” said Team 31’s Simon Treble.

Team 31 is welcoming Los Del Rio, known best for the “Macarena,” and Aqua, better known for “In the Heat of the Night.” The Team 31 street team was also able to recruit self-proclaimed rap artist Sandwich, star of the Delmar Loop Shell station.

“It’s a great lineup, and we think the crowd will actually come to the entire show,” said a representative of Team 31.

The Facebook group “I <3 W.I.L.D.," formed only two days ago, has already reached 70,000 members. "I'm going to make out with so many chicks. W.I.L.D. is the best," said Stan Browuni.

Dame Dench discovered drunk driving, doing dastardly deeds

Monday, March 31st, 2008 | Ned Ryerson
Scott Bressler

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

Late last night, Officer Joe Harvey was startled to find famed thespian Dame Judi Dench behind the wheel of a green Ford Taurus that had been swerving dangerously between traffic lanes in downtown Los Angeles before being pulled over.

“I was surprised because she’s such an old biddy, but she was slurring her words and couldn’t focus,” said Harvey. “And, you know, swerving the wrong way down an eight-lane highway.”

When Harvey asked for her license and registration, Dame Dench “screwed up her eyeballs and called me ‘sugar tits.'” Harvey then asked her to exit the vehicle.

Dame Dench reportedly fumbled with her door handle and, as she began to emerge from the car, a large amount of white powder spilled from her pocket. “She mumbled ‘those aren’t my pockets’ and fell on the asphalt,” said Harvey.

Dame Dench is a six-time nominee and one-time winner of an Academy Award for her work as Queen Elizabeth in “Shakespeare in Love.” Investigators later claimed at least three Oscars were found stashed in the glove compartment. Dench denied any knowledge of the Oscar fraud.

Harvey then ventured around to the rear of the vehicle, where he heard a muffled noise.

“I opened up the trunk, and there was a little kid bound and gagged back there,” said Harvey. He soon realized that that “kid” was Mary-Kate Olsen.

“Well, I shut the trunk back up ’cause I just wasn’t sure what to do with an Olsen twin at that moment.”

He then ventured to investigate the large, hitched U-Haul, in which he discovered 60 illegal immigrants.

“That explained why she blew through the Mexican-American border the way she did,” said Harvey.

The officer then returned to the near-catatonic Dame and dragged her to her feet.

“She was a real sweetheart when I cuffed her and put her in the car,” said Harvey, “grabbing me and telling me she had a bodyguard position open, ‘if I knew what she meant.’ As long, she said, as I promised not to write a tell-all once I quit.”

Harvey slammed the door on another downward spiral and drove her off for a horrifically unflattering mug shot, which was leaked early this morning.

The Dame will be arraigned this weekend and is expected to serve a 23-second jail sentence sometime in the next 60 years.

The illegal immigrants took one look at Los Angeles and decided to go home.

Guy with TiVo hopes end of writers’ strike will make him popular again

Monday, March 31st, 2008 | Philo T. Farnsworth
Tim the Tool Man Taylor

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

Dardick resident and freshman Sean Cassidy has spent the last six months in relative isolation. But all that should change in the coming months.

“With the end of the writers’ strike and the return of some of the floor’s favorite shows, I’m really looking for my popularity to rise,” he said.

Cassidy had one of the most highly trafficked rooms at the beginning of the school year when his TiVo offered a unique entertainment opportunity to a variety of students. Floormate Jonathan Blowdart was a frequent visitor to Cassidy’s room.

“I didn’t really know the guy, but he was watching ’30 Rock’ one Friday afternoon with his door open, and I love that show. He invited me in and seemed pretty cool,” said Blowdart.

This was seemingly a common practice for Cassidy, whose room reportedly often hosted up to 20 students at any time.

“I remember a ton of people there for some episodes of ‘South Park,'” said Blowdart. “But I’m not sure how many of them knew the kid very well. I mean, I think I only learned his name after watching his TiVo six or seven times. Prior to that, I just called him ‘Hey Pass The Remote.'”

Cassidy attributes not only his popularity to TiVo but also his first love.

“My first girlfriend, Emily Swallows, hung out with me because I had every episode of ‘Gossip Girl,'” said Cassidy. “Once the writers went on strike, she dumped me for Kyle Feinberg, who has bootleg ‘Gilmore Girls’ DVDs. Now that the writers are back, Swallows will be mine again.”