Student Life Archives

Phuong Dan Tham

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

The Bears have finally found a worthy opponent for a fight, as Student Union (SU) declared war on the University of Washington.

“On behalf of the student body, Student Union has declared war on the University of Washington,” said SU President Neil Patel. “We’re tired of being confused with the University of Washington. We’re in St. Louis, dammit.”

Students at the University actually care about this war, despite the two failed attempts by Emory University to initiate hostilities in the past four years.

“People don’t care about Emory because they’re not worthy adversaries,” said senior Simon Guevara, co-president of Red Alert.

“This war actually means something because we’re fighting for our name and our reputation.”

Both schools have gotten into the spirit of things and several Huskies made the thousand-mile road trip to the Lou.

Chancellor Wrighton awoke to a flaming bag of dog poo on his front step, courtesy of the Huskies.

The Bears retaliated with a scorched earth policy, setting fire to the Huskies’ quad.

The Bears scattered fliers on their rival’s fire hydrants reading, “Only WU can prevent forest fires.”

Red Alert is actively recruiting students to help the war effort or to pack the stands, using their signature free pizza.

They are also distributing free T-shirts emblazoned with, “University of Washington wasn’t even on my list of safety schools.”

Rico Suave

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

Danforth University men’s basketball leading scorer Troy Ruths suffered a major setback off the court this past weekend. The senior and co-captain saw his GPA dip below 4.0 after receiving an A- in his advanced computer science class.

Despite playing in the Division III NCAA tournament, Ruths, the two-time ESPN Academic All-American of the Year, considered sitting out of the team’s final games due to his inability to focus on the court and occasional shaking of his entire body.

“I just felt distracted every time I hit the hardwood,” he said.

Although he initially appeared calm, Ruths was later seen in the locker room curled in the fetal position and sobbing.

“What am I going to do now? This grade will affect my business’ success. Now I won’t be able to take my company public and become CEO. Nobody will respect me.”

After injecting Ruths with a sedative and waiting for him to awaken, Head Coach Mark Edwards was able to talk some sense into his leading scorer.

“I told him that one grade can’t ruin one’s academic career, but more importantly, I reminded him that we needed to focus on post-season play. Maybe he won’t become CEO of a major corporation, but he’ll find a way to get by. Hey, when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade,” said Edwards.

The plight of Ruths has drawn the attention of one almost perfect ballplayer-Mike Mussina of the New York Yankees.

Mussina had a perfect game ruined by the last hitter in the bottom of the ninth and has won 19 games multiple times but never 20 in a season. “Even an almost perfect guy can make millions,” said Mussina.

Heiny Dingle

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

Scott Bressler

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

After winning the national championship, the Washington University volleyball team went out and did the natural thing. Rather than partying, the entire team made a stop at the County Clerk’s office to get name changes. In total, 13 players changed their names to a variation of Ali.

The roster, which already had juniors Alli Alberts and Ali Crouch and freshman Ali Hoffman, now includes seniors Aleigh Spencer, Allie Bruegge, Ally Schuessler and Alee Leeper; juniors Aly Janak and Alleigh Morrison; sophomores Allee Montijo, Alie Brazeal, Aly Blood and Alle Albers; and freshmen Alley Varriano, Aley Penwill and Allay Kaminski.

“The name change has really helped team unity,” said Head Coach Allie Luenemann.

The Athletics Department had no role in encouraging the name change.

“The name change will make the announcer’s job much easier,” said Assistant Sports Information Director Alli Novicki.