Scott BresslerShe lay on the bed, spread eagle, one arm sultrily placed above her head, revealing every curve of her nearly naked body. The other hand slowly traced the line of her lace panties as she struggled to keep her heart from pounding out of her chest. Her mouth went dry as he said these words: I want to explore you, let my hands cover every inch of your body, although they might linger on some parts longer than others.
“Hold on, my mom’s on call waiting,” she responded, in the husky tone she had grown so used to.
Ahh, the infamous sexy phone conversation. Perhaps it was as uncomfortable for you to read as it was for us to write. Or perhaps you’re rather intrigued and turned on. Our purpose is to assure you that both mentalities are completely normal, but the latter can really spice up your life, if you know what we’re saying.
Why phone sex, you ask? Well, according to Facebook, 20 percent of people in the Wash. U. network are listed as “in a relationship,” and that’s not even including those of you who think you’re too cool to put up your relationship status. Undoubtedly, many of these are long-distance relationships, and it can get lonely when your significant other is 500 miles away (or sometimes even when they live on the other side of campus). We’re not here to judge; we’re here to help.
Like most sexual activities, the first time will probably be uncomfortable. So take a deep breath, relax your muscles, and lower your voice by at least half an octave before that first, “Hey baby, what are you wearing?”
Hopefully that first phrase will release a storm of passion and your pornographic alter ego will kick in. However, it is likely that your cheeks will flush and you will release little more than a nervous giggle. Don’t back down in the early stages of phone foreplay. It may help to use some of these default lines to get going and minimize the initial discomfort:
“I love it when you put your _____ all over my _____.”
“The taste of your _____ makes me want to ______.”
“I’m taking off my ______ and imagining that you’re nibbling on my _____.”
Think of it as a fun little game of Mad Libs, except it’s the special edition kind that gets you off. If you’re at a loss for words, a moan, sigh or gasp will usually do the trick. Be aware of just how enthusiastic you’re getting, though-you wouldn’t want your neighbors to call EST. Feel free to switch up the tense of your conversation, too. Many people like to use the present tense, but we’re personally fans of the conditional.
If this is just too much for you, you might consider starting out with IMs or text messages. There’s more time for planning and revising what you’re going to say, and it is less aggressive, as well. Be poetic, in that Walt Whitman kind of way.
On the other hand, maybe phone sex is just not enough. Our suggestion is to upgrade to using props during the act or perhaps video chat. If that doesn’t do it for you, seek professional help.
Last but not least, just because it isn’t actual intercourse doesn’t mean you don’t have to use protection. Make sure you lock your door.