Archive for the ‘Absquatulate’ Category

boys suck! girls suck!

Monday, March 31st, 2008 | Johann Qua Hiansen

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

boys suck!

We get out of speeding tickets. “Hellooo officer.”

Adam was whipped.

It’s a well-established fact that boys have cooties.

Male claims about females are simply inaccurate: The oldest anti-female joke in the book makes fun of women for driving. According to a 2007 AAA Traffic STATS report, guys behind the wheel have a 77% higher risk of dying in a car accident. Thus your car insurance. .and you’re always lost because you never ask for directions.

Higher pain threshold. Evidence: childbirth. You have no idea.

Petite women can be cute; short men are just, well, short.

Boobs. We’ve got ’em. You want ’em.

X marks the spot. Y marks nothing.

Male pattern baldness. Just keep checking that patch on the back of your head…

Everyone knows, you can’t hit a girl.

We don’t even need you for your sperm. Scientists were recently able to produce sperm cells from bone marrow. Let’s see you try to grow a uterus.

We can orgasm several times during sex for each time a man does once.

Women are built to last: we have a longer average life span.

The women’s locker room: In our lifetime, on average we’ll see more women naked than you even have a chance at.

girls suck!

You can’t get sand in your penis.

Women are responsible for original sin.

Lack of facial hair leads to scarf hoarding, alpaca price inflation and destruction of developing nations’ economies.

Girls are prone to swooning.

According to nationwide salary averages, women are only 76.2 percent as productive as men.

Mars is a much better planet than Venus.

Men spend a tenth of the time getting dressed and still look better.

According to most reports, Dan. U. girls are ugly.

Mother Nature gives us droughts, hurricanes, locusts; Father Christmas gives us presents.

They are far worse at writing their names in the snow.

Isaac Newton was a man. How many women invented gravity?

According to Mr. Garrison from South Park, you shouldn’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.

Girls always screwed up the physical challenges in Legends of the Hidden Temple.

Womens’ signatures are conspicuously absent from the Declaration of Independence.

Everyone hated the Susan B. Anthony dollar coins; the Sacajawea golden dollar coins are no better.

ResLife offers new housing option

Monday, March 31st, 2008 | Virginia Chesticles
Scott Bressler

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

In light of the increased freshman class size, Danforth University abruptly announced yesterday that it would be offering a new housing option for fall 2008. Located on the highly-coveted South 40 Swamp, construction is slated to begin in August. The new dorms will be made out of an environmentally-friendly material: cardboard.

“This is a way for us to allow students to play a greater role in the design of their living spaces,” said Jim Sempfert for the Office of Residential Life (ResLife). “Cardboard House will be part of the new Hooverville ResCollege.”

Those in favor of Cardboard House (CBH) also emphasize that it will prepare students for the real world.

“Not only will the construction of the box-homes be a great educational opportunity for our engineering and architecture students, but I think that living in a box should be great preparation for all those art history, women and gender studies and English majors at our great institution,” said Chancellor Mark Wrighton.

ResLife has heartily encouraged students to select this new housing option.

“A lot of students tell me that they are sick of dealing with the so-called ‘housing drama.’ I think this will be a great alternative. If you can’t find anyone to live with, just live by yourself in a box!” stated Tim Leverine in the ResLife office.

As an additional incentive, Cardboard House will be cheaper than the old-fashioned brick-and-mortar establishments. In contrast to the $19,000 Village East Housing, the CBH will only cost $7,000 a year. Additional fees will apply for access to high-speed Internet, running water, electricity and air conditioning.

Floor bathrooms are still in the planning stages.

Pre-med student earns B in humanities class

Monday, March 31st, 2008 | Ester Ameen

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

Many thought it impossible. But midterm grades are in and pre-med sophomore Eileen Wang earned a B in her literature class.

This historical “first” for a straight-A chemistry and biology double major has sent waves of confusion through the community of pre-med students.

“Now I’ll never get into Harvard Medical School,” wailed a despondent Wang. “I’ll probably have to go somewhere in the Caribbean,” she wailed.

Fellow pre-med students reacted to the news with denial. These students continue to believe the grade was a technical error or some kind of oversight.

“I thought earning an A- in organic chemistry secured at least A’s in the softer, less prestigious academic disciplines, and I was under the impression that simply being smart enough to even consider being pre-med ensured at least an A-. I’m positive this is a mistake that will be straightened out,” said junior Sanjay Gupta.

Treasurer of pre-med honorary Alpha Epsilon Delta (AED), senior Xiao Feng Cho is organizing an advocacy group, Pre-Meds for Truth, to protest the wrongful grade.

The first demonstration will be held outside of Duncker Hall.

“We are encouraging participants to wear their chem goggles to the protest, in case [the Danforth University Police Department] tries to use the ol’ 2-chlorobenzalmalononitrile on us,” said Cho. “That’s tear gas to you soft-sciences majors.”

Meanwhile, the victimized Wang has not left her room.

Besides her “destroyed” GPA, Wang’s next-greatest worry is what she will tell her parents.

Dan. U. Center renamed Fox U. Center

Monday, March 31st, 2008 | Emile Gorgonzola

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

This morning Chancellor Mark Wrighton announced that the new Danforth University Center (D.U.C.) would be renamed the Fox University Center (F.U.C.) in honor of Sam Fox, a major benefactor of the University.

“Sam Fox is a very generous and humble man,” said Wrighton. “We decided that Danforth has had enough time in the limelight; it’s Fox’s time to shine.”

Wrighton also announced that a charity event would be held in conjunction with the opening of the Fox University Center.

“After hearing that St. Louis had one of the highest gonorrhea rates in the country, I decided we needed to take action,” said Wrighton. “We will be opening the new building with the ‘Gonorrhea Awareness F.U.C. Fest’ and I’m confident that it will receive plenty of student support.”

A later expansion of the Fox University Center will include a basement and a 5,000 square-foot eatery.

“The architects had trouble designing a basement ratty enough to be acceptable to KDUR,” said Wrighton, “and the eatery will still be run by Bon Appétit-so no need to worry about shorter lines or reasonable prices. This whole complex will be called the Cluster-F.U.C., and we’re looking at implementing similar things all over campus.”

In his closing remarks, Wrighton called for greater student-faculty communication, stressing that the new building would be an ideal forum.

“We’ve begun to lay plans for the Fox University Center Educational Dialogue,” he said, “and we’re working on the scheduling now. We want to get F.U.C.E.D. on Friday and Saturday nights every week, and we think that’s what students want, too.”

Overall, Wrighton was optimistic.

“We’re really hoping to get this program off the ground. The Engineering School has had something similar for the past two years, and we hope the whole campus can get F.U.C.E.D. so all students can feel the same way.”

Cornerstone to offer new six-month time-management course

Monday, March 31st, 2008 | Bobby Caldwell

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

Cornerstone is introducing a time-management course for fall 2008. Each weekly session will last three hours.

The course will be offered on Mondays from 4:07-7 a.m. and Fridays and Saturdays from 12:07-3 a.m.

“We are trying to accommodate the busiest students by also scheduling sessions at times they would likely be doing less productive activities,” said the Cornerstone Director Cindy Lemoine.

“Courses will begin at seven minutes past the hour so students can stay on track with the Dan. U. schedule.”

Many students are interested in the course. “It sounds like a great class,” says freshman Henrietta Ferberger, “but I just don’t know if I’ll be able to find the time to take it.”

Cornerstone will be offering many great tips to students, such as the suggestion to save time by not watching YouTube or uploading Facebook photo albums for six hours straight.

They also recommend laminating your flashcards so that you can review them in the shower.

Some students have suggested that they could also save time by not attending the Cornerstone sessions.

Bunny upset about D.U.C.

Monday, March 31st, 2008 | Beatrix Podder

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

As the Danforth University Center, soon to be better known as the D.U.C., rises out of the ground, we must not forget the one fixture that is universally adored by all Dan. U. students: the Bunny. Our wonderful, beloved, underappreciated Bunny.

I recently had a conversation with the Bunny (he talks to me in my sleep), and let me tell you, he is not too happy about the quack student center coming to campus. Although the Bunny is the centerpiece of main campus, he gets no respect. There’s the bear thingy outside the Athletic Complex, but no one cares about that. And now, there’s a D.U.C.

“Every time a tour group walks by I start to cry a little,” said the Bunny. “They aren’t talking about my history with the Dan. U. campus anymore. All I hear is ‘D.U.C. this’ and ‘D.U.C. that.’ It’s gotten so bad that the tour guides don’t even talk about the campus squirrels anymore. I am one sad wascally wabbit.”

As the D.U.C. nears completion, students can’t forget their old affections for the Bunny. He’s been threatening a hunger strike if the D.U.C. continues to get all the attention.

I don’t know about you, but I just don’t think he’ll be able to last through a hunger strike. He’s already stringy and malnourished.