Student Life Archives

To the reader: This article originally appeared in Student Life’s annual April Fools’ issue. Please don’t take anything in it as fact. We made it all up.

At a recent drinking competition between the Double-Fisters and the Shotgunners, athletes show off their technique and stamina. It was a close match until the final stages, but when Homer Schloshmolski began to wobble and lose depth perception things went downhill quickly. It was a thrilling affair which held spectators until techno music was turned on in the next room. By the end of the evening no one could even remember who had actually won, but agreed that all participants kicked ass. Next up is the National Asshole Invitational to be held Friday night in Eliot Dorm.

To the reader: This article originally appeared in Student Life’s annual April Fools’ issue. Please don’t take anything in it as fact. We made it all up.

Mudd Field was packed on Saturday as the crowd over-flowed onto the sidewalks, all to watch the spectacular show-down between Fontbonne and WU’s Club Cricket teams.
It was a wicked wicket war between the cross-street rivals. The first inning was a close one. WU’s bowler had a little trouble early on, but the excellent batsman ship of Bruce Wayne saved the Bears from falling too far behind.
“I was on pins and needles the whole time,” said one spectator. “Bruce totally rocks as a batsman, he should like, move to England and go pro.”
Wayne’s partner in crime Dick Robin was equally aggressive at his wicket and several runs were scored. By the end of the first inning, WU had scored 56 runs and 2 wickets had fallen at the hands of the Bears.
Not to be outdone, Fontbonne came back with fantastic bowling, the likes of which haven’t been seen since the PGA tour. The bowler for Fontbonne took down a fantastic 5 wickets during the first inning, which kept Fontbonne in the game.
The second inning started much like the first until tragedy struck for Fontbonne. While at the wicket, batsman Wendell Jones suffered a brutal injury when he was knocked unconscious by a wayward bowl from the WU bowler. A substitution was made, but Fontbonne could not recover the loss of a crucial player.
At the end of the contest, WU stood victorious, with a score of nine wickets to seven. The cheers were deafening as Wayne and his teammates celebrated the win.
“This was a great game against a great team,” said Wayne. “They really knew their googlies.”
The team moves on to the semi-finals where they will face Duke University on Saturday at 2 p.m.

To the reader: This article originally appeared in Student Life’s annual April Fools’ issue. Please don’t take anything in it as fact. We made it all up.

Due to the extreme popularity of the bunny with students and visitors alike, the administration has decided the bunny will replace the Bear as the WU mascot.
“We think this is the best choice,” said the administration. “With the bunny garnering so much positive attention and adding atmosphere to campus, it’s only right that the bunny replace the more aggressive, less politically correct bear.”
“Bears are an endangered species,” said another bunny supporter. “And they are so scary. We thought something less threatening would be better, not to mention more healthy to the student body.”
Since it’s placement next to Malinckrodt, the Bunny has caused quite a stir on the WU campus. Students were initially skeptical, but have warmed up to the large sculpture. It is “pranked” by those few wild students who dare and even sports t-shirts to support student events.
“No one is more involved on this campus than the bunny,” said one athletic department employee. “It’s everything we want our student-athletes to be. Involved, intellectual and full of school spirit.”
There are a few negative energies on campus that are harbor anti-bunny feelings. They feel the huge statue is grotesque, humorous, perhaps tormented by an eating disorder and in the words of one student, “Dude, it looks like its taking a dump.” These naysayers aside, the athletic department is ready to embrace the bunny as its figure-head.
Plans are in the works to dispose of the bear statue in front of the Athletic Center and replace it with a replica of the bunny on main campus. Production has already begun on stuffed, or should I say, less than stuffed bunnies. Most of the athletes are coming around to the change as well.
“It’s kind of lame, but I guess it can’t be a worse mascot than the Violets or the Maroons,” said a member of the track and field squad. “Those are colors, at least its still an animal. Do bunnies ever attack anything?”
The shift will be made next year and the administration would like it known that there is no truth to the rumor that the change is taking place because Chancellor Wrighton is terrified of Bears and can no longer attend basketball games for fear the mascot will eat him.

To the reader: This article originally appeared in Student Life’s annual April Fools’ issue. Please don’t take anything in it as fact. We made it all up.

Washington University baseball, long suffering from poor attendance, is about to get a boost-a really big boost. That is if the B+ referendum, which would provide funding for a state of the art ballpark facility to be constructed on what is now the IM fields, passes in a campus wide referendum today.
The new 400 million dollar facility set to host baseball home games as well as IM events (on a limited basis) would take 2 years to complete and effectively close Shepley drive to all but pedestrian traffic permanently. The plan would be paid for by a “creative” combination of monies contributed by the University (the portion to be voted on today), the City of Clayton, the State of Missouri, and a naming rights deal with TWA (the bankrupt airline).
Preliminary plans show the stadium incorporating the historic Eliot dormitory as a “signature feature” of the left field line. The current dormitory will be converted into a mixed use development that will have skyboxes, a bar, a massage parlor, and some limited dorm space (room enough for 50 students). The ballpark will also include a down sloping center field sure to create some interesting fielding chances for outfielders. Architects have also indicated that a swimming pool will be constructed behind that will be rented out on a game by game basis for a small nominal charge (10,000 bucks).
The ballpark will also include some 80 skyboxes, to maximize revenue for the University which looks to make a killing. Yet, troubling issues abound with the project like where will WU baseball find the fans to fill the park. Currently, WU baseball averages 60 fans a game which would translate into 1 fan a section. Furthermore, to construct the facility many student would have to be displaced from their dorms, but Chancellor Wrighton maintains that “these will only be small inconveniences when compared to the large amount to be gained from such a facility. If the students have no housing they can sleep in the bleachers.”
Despite weeks of relentless protests that have included such lude acts such as boycotting sporting events and human chains in front of the chancellor’s office, current exit polls indicate that the ballpark initiative should pass relatively easily.
This is no surprise considering that proponents of the plan have spent some 20 million dollars buying off students’ votes and city support to ensure that WU gets the new baseball stadium it desperately needs.
According to head baseball coach Ric Lessmann, “the new ballpark will ensure that WU would be a national baseball power to be reckoned with in the years to come.”
WU Athletic Director John Schael added that “the new ballpark will give WU a recruiting tool that not even the top programs like Florida State and Stanford have.
Furthermore, the ballpark will revitalize the downtrodden South 40 and provide our students with a world class facility to cherish and enjoy.”
All in all the ballpark project looks to unite the Washington University community like nothing since the Thinker on a Rock appeared at Mallinckrodt. Despite the fact that major concerns like parking, a fan base, and alternative student accommodations on the Forty have not been addressed as of yet, the brain trust behind this project do not seem the least bit phased. Instead, they shrug off the concerns saying, “If we build it, everything will work out fine.”

To the reader: This article originally appeared in Student Life’s annual April Fools’ issue. Please don’t take anything in it as fact. We made it all up.

By Dan ilo de las Casas Buenas
The Washington University tree-ascending club team travelled to Burkina Faso last weekend to compete in the World Blue Spruce Ascending Championships only to find that there are no trees in the Sahara Desert.
“We maybe should have thought of that beforehand,” said senior team captain Stewart Shimmy. “But we were ready to give 100 percent.”
The Bears, one of the only club tree-ascending squads in the country, had grown tired of the oaks around WU and shifted their gaze to loftier goals.
However, upon arrival in Burkina Faso, they discovered that their grueling practices, sexy spandex warm-ups, and rousing team spirit would only get them so far.
“It was tough,” said sophomore sensation Dudley Errhectar. “I wanted to touch the sky and everything was so flat. I felt used and cheated.”
No one on the roster could remember particulary how or why the decision to travel to Burkina Faso had been made, but team members agreeed that it had been reached on the night of the team’s unofficial party.
The squad did make the best of the situation in Burkina Faso by locating a nearby McDonald’s and teaching new found friends about the joy of ascending trees.
“They didn’t seem to understand,” said Shimmy. “But the french fries there had a rather pleasing crunchiness.”
Next up the Bears look to return to a more wooded area in search of new adventures. This is one team that seeks to move in an upward direction – literally.
“Don’t call us climbers,” said Shimmy. “We aren’t no dumb kids. What we do is ascend trees beautifully and intelligently in the true spirit of athletic harmony”.
Having canoed across the Atlantic to save funds due to recent Sports Club Federation cutbacks, the WU tree-ascending team is extpected to arrive stateside in four or five weeks depending on weather conditions.

To the reader: This article originally appeared in Student Life’s annual April Fools’ issue. Please don’t take anything in it as fact. We made it all up.

Star third-string quarterback Jonathan “Butch” Thompson disappointed many this weekend when he fumbled his attempt to reach the end zone with freshman and Rubelmann Hall resident Laura “The Tease” Gold.
“I just don’t understand it,” said Thompson. “Everything was going good. Baby Got Back was playing, there was a pleasant aroma of beer in the air, I should have been able to hook up with her.”
Unfortunately, like his game on the field, Thompson’s game off the field lacked follow-through. Despite bringing the underage Gold several adult beverages and complimenting her black pants, Thompson was trapped in the dance area of Phi Delta Theta. When Gold turned down Thompson’s offer to come to his room and “have a few shots and just get to know each other,” Thompson’s killer competitive instincts kicked in.
“I knew what I had to do,” said Thompson, confidently. “So I turned on the charm and then I used my secret weapon – I told her I was on the football team.”
With such solid play, Thompson appeared to be dancing towards the goal line. Then disaster struck. The underdog came back with a trick play that left Gold giggling so hard she nearly spilled her Natty Light.
“He’s such a funny guy,” said Gold. “We don’t even have a football team.”
At first Thompson assumed the laughter meant success.
“I thought I was in,” said Thompson. “I went to go tell my roommate to let me have the room. Of course I told her I was grabbing one last beer.”
Thompson’s victory dance would come one down too soon as the clock wound down and 2 a.m. was fast approaching. The music cut off in the middle of Back That Ass Up and Thompson returned to claim his victory prize. He was in time to see Gold make a dash for the door.
“Butch, you’re such a funny guy. I mean a football player? Do you have games and everything? ,” said Gold with further giggles. “Sorry, but my friend’s puking and I have to take her home. Bye!”
Thompson spent the rest of the evening being consoled by his teammates and one Jack Daniels, while muttering to himself, “we do too have a football team.”
His teammates are optimistic about match-ups in the future.
“Yeah, Butch has to work on his game, but I’m sure he’ll get some play next weekend,” said junior lineman Doug Stone. “We’re having punch.”

To the reader: This article originally appeared in Student Life’s annual April Fools’ issue. Please don’t take anything in it as fact. We made it all up.

Jake Randle, onetime sports editor of Student Libel, has gone missing again.
Randle is the second ex-SL sports editor to flee the coop in two years. Andruw Smatter, sports editor emeritus ’99-’00, fled for the swampy backwater of Louisiana two years ago and now only contacts his former acquaintances by passing on obscene chain emails.
“When Andruw ran away, we sort of let him go,” said Ms. Goldstein, onetime sports designer. “I mean, we miss him, but not enough to go chase him down in New Orleans or anything. That’s like a two-hour flight.
“But if we lost John too? Ohhhh, the pain would be too great to bear.”
While Randle’s exact location remains unknown, many speculate that he remains in the general vicinity of St. Louis. Some have suggested the nearby Meramec Caverns in Illinois. Randle has a natural propensity for going off and hiding in caves.
“He responds to emails concerning fantasy baseball, and that’s about it,” said chief negotiator and wannabe columnist Taylor Upchurch. “We’re just going to have to work from there.”
“Personally, I’m not surprised he ran away,” said Vasant Ramamamamamamamamamamamamamurthy. “Student Libel is so going downhill, it’s not funny. Wait, maybe I meant to say Student Libel is so going downhill it is funny. Which one makes sense?”
“You morons lost another sports editor to hermit-craziness? That’s rich!” said Steve Feldman. “That’s funnier than the time I combined references from the Cardinals’ bench players of the early ’80s and popular 8-bit Nintendo video games and used them in the very same sentence! Now where did my law school books go off to?”
Investigators pinpoint Randle’s the time and date exodus as the precise moment he stopped being sports editor.
Said one eyewitness, “He just stopped right in the middle of what he was doing at the time-walking to class, I recall-dropped his books, and starting walking slowly in the opposite direction, towards the setting sun.
“He kept muttering the same word over and over again. Hierarchy, Hyperactive.no, that’s not it.maybe Heliopolis? Heirectomy? That’s not even a word! Anyway, I couldn’t tell what the hell it was. But he kept saying to himself over and over again. Must have been some sort of literary magazine.”
So John, if you’re out there reading this.come back to us, John. We don’t want to lose another sports editor. This is a very unfortunate trend you’re continuing. Who’ll be next, Oil Can Boyd? But this isn’t about the other sports editors who might suddenly lose it and run away, John. This is about you. We miss your gentle shooting touch and your kiss off the glass, if you know what we mean. We’re deeply sorry that we have offended you, and we’ll apologize profusely as soon as you tell us what exactly it was we did. Was it something we did? Or said? John. We mean it.
So put down your Baseball Encyclopedia and give us a call at the office. It would absolutely make our day if you called, John. We’re waiting by the phone, waiting for you to call me up and tell me I’m not alone. That’s a song. It’s called “Somebody to Shove,” by Soul Asylum. ‘Cause I.want somebody to shove. I need somebody to shove. I want somebody to SHOVE me. John. Are you there?

To the reader: This article originally appeared in Student Life’s annual April Fools’ issue. Please don’t take anything in it as fact. We made it all up.

Coming off of their first non championship-winning season in the past five years, it looks like head coach Nancy Fahey has finally worn out her welcome at Washington University.
In return for her dismal failure to bring another perfect, undefeated, championship season to the Field House, WU athletic director John Schael has given Fahey the cold, brutal axe at the urging of WU alumni and players, not to mention the parents of the players.
“My little girl doesn’t deserve to play for a loser, and I don’t deserve to have a little girl who plays for a loser,” said Jen Rudis’ mom.
The season had been comfortably on the track to acceptable once again, but an embarrassing first-round loss in the postseason made clear what everybody else was starting to think: Fahey needed to go.
“Look, a nationally renowned winning streak is nice and all, but our athletic program has needs that Fahey just can’t fulfill, ” said WU chancellor Mark Wrighton. “Where are the lucrative TV contracts? The free shoes for all the players and players’ siblings? The illicit admission of athletes who couldn’t even spell their names right if they didn’t have people who do that sort of thing for them?
“It just doesn’t sit right with us. We think a change of personnel is best for everyone involved.”
There is no official word on the next WU women’s basketball coach yet. Word on the street is that nobody particularly cares.
“It was much more important to get Fahey’s loser mentality out of there before even thinking about who the replacement would be,” said Mark Edwards. “I don’t think that’s debatable.”
Fahey was at a loss for words when asked to describe her current situation.
“I mean, I’m surprised they kept me around as long as they did,” she said. “Did they not notice that we lost to Fontbonne last year? Sometimes I wonder about these people….”
The WU search committee is said to have its eyes on Geno Auriemma, UConn’s women’s coach and currently the only existing perfect coach in the nation.
Said Meg Sullivan, “That’d be fine. Just get someone in here who knows how to win, because I’m sick of losing because we don’t have a good enough coach.”
“Yeah,” added Robin Lahargoue.
“What they really need is to bring back players like me,” said Tasha Rodgers. “Say what you want about a coach, but the fact is that a team without players like me on the roster is doomed before the season even begins.”
Fahey, who boasts a career record of Not Nearly Good Enough, is still weighing her coaching options for the future.
“Maybe coaching just isn’t what I was cut out to do,” she said. “Maybe I’ll spend some time alone, out in nature, to find myself again.”
In a related story, the results have come back from the lab over at the Medical School: Fahey and the basketball team are not robots.
“Hrrmph,” grumbled Joe Coot, a WU grad of ’36 who passes his time complaining about the current state of the athletic program, especially the basketball teams. “Hrrmph.”
“We’re not gonna take it, NO!, we ain’t gonna take it,” said Cindy Zelinsky. “We’re not gonna take it-ANYMOOOOORE!”
“Students may cheat, take drugs, and have sex with interns before killing them and hiding the body,” said Schael, “but I’ll be damned if we’re going to lose any more women’s basketball games.”
Anyway, we’ve reached the part of the article that nobody reads, so the sports staff is allowed one popular song lyric each. Here we go:
Straight up, now tell me are you really gonna love me forever, or am I caught in a hit and run? / Straight up now tell me, is it gonna be you and me together, or are all of you just having fun?
And saying this, the knight dove in, forgetting that his suit or arms would weigh him down and slowly sunk, / And as his body disappeared before me, I bowed my head in reverence and remembered all the thoughts that he had thunk.
You’ve got the right stuff, baby. Love it when you turn me on. / Oh oh oh-oh-oh, Oh oh oh-oh, Oh oh oh-oh-oh, The Right Stuff.