Archive for the ‘Obscene’ Category

Student in coma; chemistry dept. still demands appearance at orgo exam

Friday, March 31st, 2006 | Jimbo Rimbaud

Dear Reader: This article appears as part of Student Life’s annual April Fool’s issue. Please don’t think anything in it is true. It’s all made up.

A Washington University student, who was recently hit by a WUPD Segway chariot in the crosswalk of Forsyth Blvd., has fallen into a class 5 coma with little-to-no physical response. She is being treated at the Wash. U. medical school.

The student, a pre-med, female sophomore who will remain unidentified just like the girl who fell out of the window and that other student who got hit by the shuttle, was on her way to early morning organic chemistry when the speeding Segway collided with her unsuspecting and fragile body.

“I don’t even see why she was bothering to go to orgo,” reacted one classmate. “It’s 9 o’clock in the morning. Just watch it online; you extract as little as you would in class.”

Despite the accident, the chemistry department still demands the student show up for the exam scheduled for tomorrow.

“Where there’s a pulse, there’s a requirement,” said Professor Gray. “We are willing, however, to magnanimously cooperate with her in view of her situation, and she can retake the class, its prerequisites and the exam next year.”

‘Extreme Makeover’ to come to the University in mid-April

Friday, March 31st, 2006 | Jimbo Rimbaud

Dear Reader: This article appears as part of Student Life’s annual April Fool’s issue. Please don’t think anything in it is true. It’s all made up.

April is the time of the pre-freshman invasion. Their doe-eyed innocence can only be described as “cute.” And with a pair of “WUggles” on, they’re “hot enough for me.” For those who claim to “not know” what WUggles are, to wear WUggles is to have distorted perception, making moderately decent-looking individuals seem ridiculously good-looking. The use of WUggles can lead to involvement with a person whose picture you keep hidden from your friends.

Disgusted and tired of seeing his friends pairing off with unattractive bumpkins, freshman Doug Landy decided to do something about it. One quick phone call to the ABC network was all it took.

When asked about their choice of Wash. U. as their new location, producers of ABC’s “Extreme Makeover” described “a shockingly disturbing phone call about some form of goggle everyone was wearing. Goggles are not acceptable day apparel. So we decided to check it out.” Associate producer Joe Bologna’s reaction was, to put it mildly, one of surprise when he arrived on campus last Tuesday.

“It’s a mixture of dismay and delight. There are so many unattractive faces – yet so much potential!” Joe pointed to a girl walking through the underpass and joyously exclaimed, “I guess what Emory says is true; Wash. U. girls are ugly!”

Overwhelmed by the multitude of horrifying faces, Joe had to call reinforcements to make the executive decision. Finally, a young man (who will remain nameless) with too-long hair and beady eyes was selected to be made over into a look-alike of his hero, Chancellor Mark S. Wrighton.

The show’s senior hair expert Sam Sequoia gave a run-down of the transformation.

“We plan first to thin his hair using a combination of hydrochloric acid and Efferdent,” he said, adding later that this technique would also lighten the hair and “create deep crags in the upper facial area, which resemble wrinkles to a very, very drunk person.”

Saboura, also the show’s stylist (and the only one who doesn’t get to hold a knife), planned the young man’s attire. “Powder blue suits are a must, especially while going on dates. When faced with such a widespread epidemic like WUggles, you might as well take advantage.”

As for the facial structure, this young man was fortunate enough to already possess a lovely moon-shaped face.

“Thank goodness,” said Anthony Puffin, M.D., one of the “Extreme Makeover” plastic surgeons. “Changing the facial shape is a difficult and challenging process, often involving packing peanuts or bubble wrap to fill the gaps between the bones.”

Meanwhile, another of the “Extreme Makeover” stylists, Quinn A. Morgendorffer, M.D., found a deliciously ugly female specimen in line at Bear’s Den. When offered the chance to have a makeover, however, the girl was not enthused, citing something she learned from Oprah about beauty on the “inside.” Yeah right, ugly girl. Everyone knows that this little sentiment is what mothers tell their ugly daughters.

Dr. Quinn knew this and was thankful for her backup plan: a baseball bat and a garbage bag. With the girl now over her shoulder, Morgendorffer brought her to the show’s set.

“Because she is unconscious, we didn’t know if she wanted to look like someone else. But time was running short and we had to make the executive decision. If she’s hideous enough that no one would request to look like her, she shouldn’t be forced to do so either,” said the doctor.

The staff finally settled on the heroine of Wash. U.’s gay population – Kathy Griffin. Chemically straightened hair and displaced eyebrows were only the beginning of Dr. Quinn’s plans for the hapless girl.

“We could transplant her personality, too,” exclaimed Dr. Puffin in an excited rush. “We could program her to say two things: ‘I love Clay Gayken’ and ‘Burqa No.'” At this point the operations commenced, and Puffin had to suppress his glee while holding the knife.

Five hours later, the operation was complete, although when asked what had been done, Dr. Puffin could not remember; “I kept replaying last night’s ‘My Life on the D-List’ in my head. But I think this girl looks a little different now.”

Temporary photos of the two test subjects are available. One is simply Chancellor Wrighton’s picture. The other is Pablo Picasso’s “The Dream.” Neither resembles the students. After seeing their grand failure with the two faces, the surgeons and stylists of “Extreme Makeover” claimed defeat.

“I never thought I’d see the day when there would be too much ugly to handle. Is there hope for any of us now?” said the associate producer.

We just don’t know, Joe. But hell, you tried your best.

English, anthro majors earn highest salaries post-graduation, says study

Friday, March 31st, 2006 | Neve R. Wudhappen

Dear Reader: This article appears as part of Student Life’s annual April Fool’s issue. Please don’t think anything in it is true. It’s all made up.

A new study released by Washington, D.C.-based group Higher Hopes reports that, for the first time in over two centuries, college students who major in English and anthropology earn the highest salaries in the years following graduation.

“In the past few years, there’s been a great rise in the need for budding anthropologists and scholars of poets like Chaucer and Beowulf,” said Associate Professor of Anthropology Robert Klein. “I believe I heard that this has something to do with the fight against terrorism, but what does it matter, really? These students deserve to be making six-figure salaries, and finally they are.”

Historically, the average annual salary of an individual who has graduated with an anthropology major has been between $23,500 and $38,300. Individuals with degrees in English have earned a yearly salary of between $26,400 and $37,600. The study reports that now those figures have risen to an average annual salary of $106,200 to $188,900 for both.

Until recently, students with undergraduate degrees in business made the most money of all college graduates.

“A diploma from any half-decent school of business used to automatically spell big bucks,” said Professor of Finance Mark Tanner. “I have no idea what went wrong.”

Students with degrees in business now earn an average of $33,700 to $53,200 annually.

Many Wash. U. students in the College of Arts & Sciences are thrilled with the news.

“It’s about time,” said sophomore English major Mariana Jacobs. “In my mind, there’s no question about which majors deserve to make the most money. I’ve never seen a business student read 500 pages in one night. Come to think of it, I’ve never even seen a business student do much of anything – my hard work deserves a high salary down the road.”

But not all students on campus echoed Jacobs’ sentiments.

“I, personally, am pissed off,” said Dylan Ashby, a senior marketing and finance double major. “I chose to go to business school for one thing: to make money. Now I feel like I wasted the past four years taking dry, boring classes. And for what? Less than what a freaking English major makes!”

The Olin School of Business, Wash. U.’s business school, has already undertaken drastic action in light of these developments. The school recently fired 13 of its professors, most of them from the finance department.

In Arts & Sciences, both the economics and chemistry departments have considered making cuts to its faculty salaries. Ecstatic about the news, 30 percent of chemistry majors switched to English last night.

“Deep down in my heart, I’ve always wanted to be an English major,” said Dave Miller, who changed his major to English from biology as soon as he heard the news. “I’ve always had a passion for Virginia Woolf. But my parents pressured me into going pre-med; they kept telling me, ‘This way, you’ll make money and can read books on weekends at the beach house you’ll have enough money to buy.’ Now I can read and still know I’ll have financial security down the road.”

Chancellor’s miniscule salary hinders the progress of University’s new five-year plan

Friday, March 31st, 2006 | Bill Silver
Dan Daranciang

Dear Reader: This article appears as part of Student Life’s annual April Fool’s issue. Please don’t think anything in it is true. It’s all made up.

Washington University in St. Louis has a lot to be proud of. We’ve definitely earned bragging rights for the refurbished bathrooms in Mallinckrodt and the splendid new Koenig Palace, and I have never heard the construction workers complain. But there is something sorely disappointing and downright shameful happening on this campus, something most students are refusing to acknowledge. That’s right. We are underpaying our Chancellor.

You may ask, humble student, what our head honcho has done for us over the years. There’s the free pizza, the interviews for Student Life and let’s not forget the fifteen babies he delivered last year while simultaneously teaching scared freshman to integrate 15e-2x. This was after he wrote an aria while balancing the University’s budget using a pen and his toes (note: he was also wearing shoes). And, after delivering the babies, he saved a flock of pigeons from the vicious intentions of a rabid bike-rider. All of this, my friends, was accomplished in a mere seven minutes, during a busy passing time between classes.

I asked Chancellor Wrighton for his thoughts on this grievous matter.

“I’m a big proponent of the five-year-plan. I once had a five-year-plan for Washington University – a personal plan, a plan from the heart, a plan from my wallet, a plan to benefit every student at Wash U.”

At this point he began to cry, which disintegrated into a blubbering fit. A few minutes passed and he was unable to calm down. I recommended mozzarella sticks – they have helped me through some tough times.

Amid the sniffles and hiccups, the facts emerged. Everyone knows about the Chancellor’s love of five-year-plans, but this five-year-plan was special. He planned to purchase, over five years, a small tropical island off the coast of Australia and, after admitting every aboriginal adolescent into Wash. U., convert the island into an off-shore paradise for Wash. U. students. I asked why this was no longer possible.

“Because,” he stammered, “I am among the lowest paid chancellors in the nation,” and he then began sobbing anew.

I would have offered a hanky but that’s just gross. Personally, I was shocked and anguished by this behavior. And this is why, fellow students, something must be done. The chancellor himself suggested a letter-writing campaign, citing their usefulness in the past.

I looked into this matter, and discovered that this was not the only proposed plan for Wrighton’s money. The Board of Trustees suggested the following: a giant statue of an emaciated kangaroo, an array of concrete water fowl or a piece of George Washington’s nose from Mount Rushmore. The suggestion was made early on for newer freshman dormitories, but was quickly rejected from lack of interest.

The defeat of having lost this tropical island is indeed horrendous. Students with the intention to tan will be forced to go elsewhere over Spring Break, to such disreputable locations as Acapulco and Fiji and the tanning salon down the street. Our stressed, overworked student body will have to find newer places to cause drunken mayhem and our beloved chancellor will remain (and not by choice) as porcelain-faced as ever.

But for the moment, both Chancellor Wrighton and the students of Wash. U. will have to endure the pain of this considerable loss.

“Now the only way to leave my mark is to build another library,” said Wrighton.

New high-rise hotels to replace new dorms

Friday, March 31st, 2006 | Dorm Dewd
Sotak’s Girlfriend

Dear Reader: This article appears as part of Student Life’s annual April Fool’s issue. Please don’t think anything in it is true. It’s all made up.

The dorms at Wash. U. are, as the Yale Insider’s Guide to the Colleges puts it, notorious for “being more hotel-like than a college dorm should be.” In fact, it should come as no surprise that Wash. U. boasts some of the nicest, most elegant dorms that any university has ever seen.

New Koenig is an excellent example of this. As the newest dorm on the South 40, Koenig offers everything a college freshman could want. The administration, however, feels differently, as it has just been uncovered that new Koenig is scheduled to be torn down and renovated within the year. New dorms such as Forsyth and Lien are soon to follow, with plans to tear them down and renovate them within the next few years.

With the University already beginning to renovate all of the old freshmen dorms, one may wonder why these brand new dorms are also going to be revamped. Turns out, the new dorms are not part of the new housing code that the administration has recently adopted. In fact, the “new” Liggett is actually now considered to be old and outdated. And with the construction of the new Liggett nearing an end, many questions surrounding this new dorm have arisen. What do the lucky future residents of the new Liggett and other new dorms have in store?

As times have changed, so have living standards for today’s college student. Wanting to uphold its status as a university that offers “hotel-like dorms,” the new dorms planned may, in fact, be nicer than a regular hotel. You thought carpeted floors and private bathrooms were nice? Try rooms twice the size of a current modern room. With bigger rooms, bigger beds will be ordered, which is definitely a good thing for a number of reasons. Out with those old, uncomfortable wooden rocking chairs. Now each room will come equipped with a comfortable, cushioned chair and bigger desk for each roommate. Furthermore, many students complain about their rooms being dark, with too little light. This will no longer be a problem, as chandeliers will be installed in each room.

Another vital feature of this new housing code deals with maid service. Currently, each room comes with maid service twice a week. The average college student is not, by any means, clean. In fact, I can usually tell which friend’s room I am in by the smell of the room, which is not always a good thing. Spills and other messes on the floor resulting from a crazy night of partying don’t help the situation either. Realizing this, the administration has decided to provide students with daily maid service. Funky odors? Beer spills and other gross spots on the floor? Worry no more, as dirty rooms will no longer be an issue. At the end of the day, students will return to their dorms to find their beds newly made, with a chocolate on the pillow; turndown service is sure to be a hit.

Food is an integral part of a college student’s life. Many times, students are pressed for time and need a quick bite to eat before their next class. Inconveniently, in order to grab a quick bite to eat, one must travel to Wohl Center. Eating should not have to be an action that requires much effort, and for that reason, for each dorm built, a first-rate, 24-hour dining hall will be located on the first floor, smoothly operated by first-rate chefs to be flown in from around the country. Good food will now be available any minute of the day, so those who are pressed for time will always be able to grab a bite to eat in the comfort of their own dorm. Also, students not wishing to leave their rooms due to laziness or illness will be happy to know that room service will also be available.

Personal comfort should also be taken very seriously and realizing this, the University has decided to take every possible measure to ensure the comfort of its students. In each new dorm, students can look forward to a spa. After all, Wash. U. students work extremely hard, and during those stressful times students can unwind in the spa, which will feature free massages, sauna rooms and other luxurious amenities. A marble swimming pool will also be built in each dorm, along with two hot tubs, so students looking to refresh and rejuvenate can look forward to these new additions.

As the old saying goes, out with the old, in with the new. The adoption of this new housing code will lead to extravagant new dorms, which are sure to be a big hit. Undoubtedly, these new dorms will serve as a model for how dorms at the nation’s most prestigious universities should be constructed in the future.

‘Sex, Drugs and Alcohol’ cluster inserted into the new ArtSci curriculum

Friday, March 31st, 2006 | Ruby Hitzemann

Dear Reader: This article appears as part of Student Life’s annual April Fool’s issue. Please don’t think anything in it is true. It’s all made up.

Due to student complaints that the cluster system does not provide enough options for them to complete their requirements and take classes they want, the administration has decided to introduce a scintillating new cluster entitled “Sex, Drugs and Alcohol.”

“We really think students aren’t well informed about these important aspects of life,” explained Chancellor Mark Wrighton with a wink and a nudge. “The students here are such goody-goodies. They need to be educated, if you know what I mean. This cluster is going to give students valuable life lessons that they will remember again and again and again and again.”

The classes in this cluster will immerse the student in all aspects of these integral vices. The sex section of the cluster is designed to teach students the personal and social methods of coitus. Classes include, “Orgasms: You Rub Me The Right Way,” “I’ll Kama Your Sutra: Positions and Pick-ups from Around the World” and “How Your Grandma Got It On: Sex Through the Ages.”

The alcohol section tries to show students how partying is what they came to college for. Alcohol classes include, “Beer Bongs Are Not Just For Sorority Girls: How All Cultures Love The Booze,” “How To Binge Drink With The Best Of Them: Academics As Alcoholics” and “Let’s Get Retarded: Helping Smart People Drink Stupidly.”

The drugs section of the course is meant to heighten students’ spirits and disable their brains for future professions. Classes offered include, “How To Get High,” “How To Stay High” and “The Many Different Highs Of High.” Teachers and students will regularly sample all the drugs they talk about so as to create the smokiest learning environment possible. As part of class protocol, pop drug tests will be conducted to ensure that students are studying.

Students must take one course at least from each section of the new cluster and all must take the advanced course, “The Big Bang: How To Be Baked, Stoned, Wasted and Unchaste All At Once,” as an ending course to tie together all they have learned. The class will include such activities as shooting up while tied to a bedpost and blindfolded.

Dean John Reremy of the School of Arts & Sciences thinks the new cluster is the answer to declining student interest in a full liberal arts education.

“Students don’t know what they are missing when they forego a liberal education,” said Reremy. “Education is not a one-night stand. You need to be in it, caress it, make it tingle. We’re encouraging students to get down and dirty with learning.”

To the surprise of all Washington University faculty, students are really up in (each other’s) arms about the new cluster. The large majority of the students feel the administration is trying to compromise their morals.

“I mean, what’s next?!?” asked exasperated sophomore Gussy Palore. “Infanticide lessons? How to be a sociopath? This administration’s values just keep getting more and more perverse.”

Other students have specific concerns about how the new cluster will affect the ever so huge party scene.

“I mean, we want to be a dry campus,” said Eyem A. Drunk, junior and president of Alpha Kappa Beta Delta Phi Gamma Mu Zeta fraternity. “We have fun all on our own. We don’t need to party. We have homework to occupy us. I mean, I am so excited because I am writing a dozen 20-page papers this weekend. All of my brothers are doing it. Why is the administration putting all this pressure on us? I’m worried we might get kicked off campus if we fail to drink.”

Despite their concerns, there is not much students can do about it. Just as in the past, if the college thinks that a cluster makes sense, it makes sense – end of story. Dean Reremy suggests that if any students wish to contest the cluster or add a class, they should bone up on their sexual favors.

Administration announces new University dress Code

Friday, March 31st, 2006 | Sty L. Maven
Dan Daranciang

Dear Reader: This article appears as part of Student Life’s annual April Fool’s issue. Please don’t think anything in it is true. It’s all made up.

Until recently, Washington University administration trusted all students and staff to make responsible decisions concerning proper clothing and footwear. Unfortunately, the clothing choices of Wash. U. students, faculty and staff are consistently criticized by visitors to the community and members of the community alike. Therefore, starting this fall, administration will implement a new dress code.

While most items apply to the whole community, some are aimed directly at students. The administration hopes that this dress code will improve the school’s image and “perhaps ease tensions within the community that stem from fashion disagreements,” said Mark Whitham, the newly-appointed Chief Administrator of Apparel.

“We tried to let students make their own choices, but have decided it is in the University’s best interests to set in motion new controls,” said Whitham. “We simply can’t have a student body that is fashionably unintelligent.”

A copy of the complete code can be obtained from the main offices of each school on campus. Following is a list of the rules, which, according to Whitham, “address the most embarrassing and unfortunate dressing habits that are prevalent on campus today.”

I. All members of the community are expected to be clothed on a daily basis.

II. All articles of clothing and accessory bearing the name of another higher-education institution are hereby banned from campus. Sweatpants, shirts, etc. that advertise other schools will not be tolerated under any circumstances. Miscreants who do not comply with this rule will be forbidden from all aspects of University social life, including the right to consume food in public spaces, for a period of three months.

III. The sporting of any form of clothing adorned with the North Face logo is prohibited to all members of the Washington University community, faculty notwithstanding. Bearing North Face merchandise, if observed, may result in removal from the premises under charges of conformity and commercial corruption.

IV. All students are required to wear generic white iPod headphones. As the administration recognizes the fashion value of wearing headphones in but one ear, such a style is acceptable per University standards. Rhinestoned, colored or non-Apple brand headphones will not be accepted; all such devices will be confiscated and their owners fined at the discretion of the University.

V. Only 31 percent of the area of a pair of pants may consist of holes. If questionable, the holes-to-fabric ratio of a particular pair of pants will be calculated by a member of the administration. Any person found wearing pants with a lower ratio of holes-to-fabric than allowed will be asked to temporarily patch the holes with recycled paper from Olin Library and will be expected to permanently patch enough holes to fulfill University guidelines within a period of four days.

VI. Any person who chooses to wear boots known as Uggs, or boots/shoes that resemble Uggs (denoted by clownish, rounded toes and fur accents and linings) must adhere to strict guidelines concerning the appropriate use of said footwear.
i. Under no circumstances may Uggs or similar footwear and miniskirts be worn simultaneously. This “look” breaks common-laws of civility and respectability that all members of the community are expected to uphold. Persons not respecting this rule will be asked to surrender any pairs of footwear corresponding to the aforementioned description to Washington University police authorities.
ii. Any person wearing Uggs or similar footwear concurrently with tight, legging-like pants will be asked to remove the footwear and proceed barefoot until he or she can retrieve and don alternate footwear.

VII. Persons choosing to wear collared shirts must be warned that popped collars will not be tolerated by the Washington University administration. Popped collars suggest that the wearer does not respect the significance of money and good-breeding, both of which are suggested by a properly collared shirt. As the University wishes all of its members to appreciate superiority and affluence, any persons seen with their collars popped will be asked to submit an essay about the benefits of elitism.

VIII. Persons are expressly forbidden from wearing any form of boot outside of their pants. All boot-tops are expected to be concealed underneath jeans or another form of long pant. The term “boots” includes but is not limited to: cowboy boots, rain boots, combat boots and the Uggs or similar footwear mentioned in Item V. Failure to comply with this stipulation may result in disciplinary action.

IX. Though the University realizes the comfort and convenience of sweat suits, persons are not encouraged to wear the matching top and bottom of a sweat suit at the same time. Wearing a complete sweat suit implies laziness and a lack of creativity. Owners of Juicy and other designer sweat suits are by no means excused from this rule.

X. It has been found that excessive jewelry makes it hard for one to participate in written activities in the classroom. Therefore, one may not wear any more than up to three rings on the hand with which one does not write and one ring on the hand with which one writes. Any person found lying about a state of right- or left-handedness will lose their privilege to wear rings.

XI. The footwear worn by students must not have heels exceeding a height of one third of an inch. Heeled shoes of a greater height pose a threat to other members of the community as the high-heeled shoe of a student running to class may become dislodged, fly through the air and poke another person in the eye. In respect of their authority, members of the staff and faculty are permitted to wear shoes with heels of up to half an inch.

XII. No clothing or accessory shall be allowed that states the name of the nation’s first president, George Washington. Though the University does indeed revere this magnificent man, modeling of goods that bear his name does naught to lessen the confusion about the University’s proper name.

All members of the community are encouraged to take an active role in promoting the University’s new dress code. If a member spots another in defiance of any of these rules, the member should contact Whitham. He can be reached directly by dialing ICE-ESIN (935-5746) from any campus phone.

New convent housing option to come to WU

Friday, March 31st, 2006 | Liza Bound
Karol J¢zef Wojtyla

Dear Reader: This article appears as part of Student Life’s annual April Fool’s issue. Please don’t think anything in it is true. It’s all made up.

With students abuzz over housing, a new housing option is underway. The Catholic Student Center (CSC) is currently developing a convent option for Wash. U. women.

“We just wanted to provide young women with a residence where they could feel secure,” said one CSC representative.

The new dorm will resemble a convent without actually requiring its residents to be qualified nuns. The option is particularly enticing to parents who aren’t quite ready to let their darling daughters fraternize with the opposite sex in the co-ed living quarters currently offered by the school.

“I was so worried about sending my daughter to Wash. U. when I learned of the co-ed dorms on one of the tours,” said one concerned parent. “We were going to send her to Wellesley until the convent housing option became available.”

Students applying for this housing option need not be Catholic, but admission is not dogma-blind and Catholic women have a much better chance of being accepted.

The dorms also appeal to Wash. U. women fed up with the school’s less-than-stellar dating scene.

“I got so tired of guys on my floor hitting on me because they couldn’t find girls anywhere else,” said one fed-up freshman female. “I feel like I can meet guys elsewhere, so why live with them?”

Despite the speculation of many Wash. U. males that the single-sex dorm will just be the setting of “toe nail painting parties and pillow fights,” as alluded to by one junior, the convent dormitories will be strictly run and overseen by a nun to be flown in directly from Italy. While her identity has not been released by the CSC, she is being hired and transported as a result of the University’s recent tuition hike and funding cut from student groups such as Campus Programming Council (CPC), Anime Exploration, Students for Choice and Suspicious of Whistlers.

“Well, with CPC, we figured that there’s really only one letter difference and no one would notice when we process the Treasury statements,” said Student Union treasurer Ed Banti. “And Suspicious of Whistlers just isn’t funny.”

The convent dorm was developed in large part due to parental concern and empty nest syndrome, despite the sky rocketing sales of Karen Levin Coburn and Madge Lawrence Treeger’s Wash. U. parents classic, “Letting Go,” found in large quantities in the bookstore during freshmen move-in and parent orientation.

The new housing option is also the result of the encroaching influence of Hillel on campus.

“We heard a rumor that the Jewish Student Union was developing plans for a kibbutz or sukkah dorm system for Jewish students,” said one CSC representative. “We couldn’t lose our influence, especially within the notably Catholic St. Louis area.”

Though not Catholic himself, former chancellor William H. Danforth has already funded the project and, in an effort to gain hegemonic control over the entire University, has requested that the convent bear his name.

WU replaces shuttles with horse-drawn carriages

Friday, March 31st, 2006 | Anita Ride
Amish McAmish Jr.

Dear Reader: This article appears as part of Student Life’s annual April Fool’s issue. Please don’t think anything in it is true. It’s all made up.

While giving students access to varying areas of St. Louis, the shuttle services at Washington University have not been well received by students. After complaints of pick-up times bearing absolutely no relationship to the so-called “schedules,” and the drivers’ dangerously fast speeds which occasionally cause problems with pedestrians in the area, Director of Transportation Services James Dutch made a radical move on March 29 to abolish the shuttle services in favor of horse-drawn carriages. So far, the change has only heralded praise within the Wash. U. community.

“In the end, the shuttles had many more costs than benefits,” said Dutch. “We are much happier with the carriages, which haven’t shifted more than two minutes from the posted schedules in their week of usage.”

Faculty members have also shown support for this new development. The percentage of student tardiness dropped at a miraculous rate this week, even in the Schools of Art and Architecture, where students must trek far distances to class.

“With the shuttle system, many students would come into class looking upset or annoyed in the morning,” said art history professor John Brown. (No, not that John Brown. The other one.) “The new carriages, however, seem to have fostered a new spirit in these students. Perhaps due to the balance between beautiful horses in the foreground and the comfortable seats in the background, the picture just looks elegant.”

Architecture professor Lily Stewart agreed with Brown’s assessment.

“I think that the presence of the curved lines and good support wheels contributes to the ease in movement,” said Stewart. “My students are arriving earlier and earlier to class, full of festivity, and ready to learn. Keep these carriages forever.”

Not only have the shuttles contributed to academic performance, restaurant owners in the surrounding Wash. U. area have voiced their happiness as well.

“We used to make a habit of making reservations for Wash. U. students 20 to 30 minutes after the time they stated,” said Cicero Restaurant and Bar’s owner Chip Marshall. “That shuttle is just unreliable, even when it’s going the five blocks to the Loop. But now, parties are arriving on time for their dinners, allowing us to serve more customers faster. Everyone here is ecstatic.”

The primary users of the shuttle, students without cars, appreciate this new service immensely.

“The parking codes at this school are such a hassle, and when the shuttle created even more frustration on top of it, I didn’t know what to do,” said sophomore Keen Albert. “These new carriages get me to where I’m going without a blue, purple, brown, yellow or green sticker on my car. They rock.”

Due to the immense success during this first week, Chancellor Wrighton has announced a new five-year plan, Phase 255, to breed horses in the Astronomy building. Far enough away that most students never get inside, this building provides a great atmosphere to nurture the next generation of this miracle on wheels.

“Thanks to these carriages, my job has gotten a lot easier,” said Wrighton. “I hope the positive feelings last.”