Student Life Archives

EDITOR’S NOTE: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

With prospective freshmen rampant across campus, Brookings, as is the case every year at this time, has one something that is very commendable. Showing a blatant disregard for economic efficiency and the environment, the administration has decreed that a slightly wilted flower should not be seen on this campus, and as a result, flowers have consistently been replanted, even if they had been in the ground for just two days. This has caused Washington University to be prettier for a couple of days, and in the end, that is exactly how the University should be spending its money.

Some have called this action by the University wasteful, but in reality, the University is not going far enough. The most important thing for the University is to look good for prospective freshmen. Yes, the University should try to make sure that its current students have the best education possible. But that education is not possible without a top 10 ranking in the U.S. News & World Report rankings. And that is not going to happen without better students. Having a picturesque campus will give prospective freshmen more of a reason to come here, and the higher yield of admitted students will let the University rise in the rankings. A good education will assuredly follow.

The constant replanting is a good first step in achieving this goal, but contrary to popular belief, the University should go further. Dead plants aren’t the only things that are ugly at Wash. U. As Emory so graciously pointed out last year, Wash. U. girls are ugly, and the men aren’t much better. To this end, only the most attractive students on campus – the members of the Washington University Game Developers Society – should be allowed on campus proper, while the rest of the students should be relocated to Wash. U.’s newest branch in East St. Louis, safely out of the way of prospective freshmen.

This policy should also be extended to the buildings on campus. Since the old dorms are so unsightly, they should be knocked down before the prospective freshmen get to campus. Some might say that this will cause a greater housing crunch than ever seen before. But that is the price to pay for getting a top 10 education. It is certainly better to live in a forced octuple at a top-10 school than in a double while languishing at number 12.

Yes, this will cost a lot of money. The University can get this money by raising tuition. We, as students, have to be grateful for everything that the University provides for us, and there is nothing more important than our ranking. It would not be fair to the University to force the burden on them, while it is we who benefit. We should be paying for this. We’ll be thanking the University later, when our kids are applying to the ninth-ranked school in the nation.

EDITOR’S NOTE: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

Washington University claims to promote an environment of open intellectual inquiry and to value the diverse interests of Washington University undergraduates. With the education of students as the primary concern, we expect our professors to keep abreast of the latest theories and advancements in their disciplines. Yet on this very campus we have found an abhorrent stifling of academic progress right beneath our very eyes: Professor Richard Smith’s “Introduction to Human Evolution” course in the anthropology department. In order to enhance the quality of education at Washington University, we implore Professor Smith to begin teaching the theory of strict Creationism.

Professor Smith’s class is notoriously under-enrolled and unpopular with students. You can hear crickets chirping when Smith takes the stage in Brown 100. Students only begrudgingly enroll in the course when shut out from other, more desirable choices and leave the course completely uninformed by the semester’s worth of information regarding the so-called “evolution” of humans. He uses big words – australopithecine, Homo habilis, Paranthropus robustus – and fancy dental ratios (Does anyone really understand what 2:1:2:3 means?), but we are not fooled. We see behind the increasing cranial capacities and reduction of the post-orbital ridge. We are sick of this mumbo jumbo that is, as Professor Smith admits, only a theory. Given the course’s lagging enrollment, it seems that we are not the only ones dissatisfied with “Introduction to Human Evolution.”

We believe that Smith’s course could be enhanced by exploring the more respected theory of Creationism. Rather than sticking to the antiquated notion that humans evolved from lesser organisms, University professors ought to move towards the future by endorsing the more scientifically-sound view that the universe, humanity, life on earth and this very campus were created by a supernatural deity (this may or may not be the Flying Spaghetti Monster, but that’s a whole other staff editorial). The theory of Creationism enjoys strong support from the scientists around the world, and it’s time that support arrived at Washington University.

The American education system has taught us that we must accept that which is written, and we must not question any source as legitimate as that of the Bible, which teaches Creationism and the story of Adam and Eve. After hundreds of years of Christendom being the dominant source of knowledge, who are we to teach anything but the established truth?

EDITOR’S NOTE: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

Dear Editor:

From one award-winning journalist to another, I would just like to say: wow, you guys rock. You are consistently one of the best news sources in this great land of ours; the public service you render unto the community is incalculable.
Last week, when you showed us how NIH funding cuts could hurt the University’s medical research programs, I was in awe. I mean, who else would see that connection except StudLife? Then, later that week you dropped ANOTHER bombshell on us: MetroLink usage is up! You guys must really burn the midnight oil. That one must have really lit a fire under the administration’s tuckus.
Student Life, you are a pillar of journalistic integrity and clearly you are the scribes of the gods. Kudos, Student Life. You are living proof of the power of the written word.

-Rob Woodward
The Washington Post

Man of your dreams responds

Dear Editor:

I am writing to respond to a personal ad you published in your newspaper a few weeks ago. I clipped it out but then I lost it. I was hoping you could send this letter to the purchaser of the ad.
Single white female seeking independent man, I am the guy of your dreams. My name is Mark; I’m 37, kind of tall and properly filled out. I too love Mork and Mindy, bird watching and bondage! I never married and I sublet from a close family member. I understand what it’s like trying to get back on your feet after some rough times. After the court made me notify the entire neighborhood that I had a special past, no one associated with me for months. I know you’re twice my age but I won’t say anything about your wrinkles if you don’t say anything about mine.
Richard Gere ain’t got nothing on me.

-Mark S.

I Ozomatli-ed all over your mom

Dear Editor:

I have a few responses to some of the articles you published last week.
Re: “Better parking would improve Health Services”: Better parking would improve your mom’s services.
Re: “Sagartz, Kressel shine in doubleheader split”: I gave your mom a doubleheader split.
Re: “Bears kick off season with win at Mini Meet”: I kicked your mom’s season off with my mini-meat.
Re: “MetroLink usage exceeds expectations”: Your mom’s uses exceed my expectations.
Re: “Police Beat”: The police beat your mom.
Re: “Voice from abroad”: I heard a voice from your mom, “Oh Yes!”
Re: “Sophomore Slump”: Your mom slumped over this sophomore.
Re: “Ozomatli: Don’t Mess with the Dragon”: Your mom messed with my dragon and got some ozomatli all over her face.
Re: “Senate Democrats to push for larger Pell Grants”: My democrat gave your mom a push.
Re: “Johns Hopkins: We’ll take you down”: Your mom hopped on my john and I took her down.
Re: “The ins and outs of the crowd”: I crowded your mom’s ins and outs.
Re: “The bubble has popped”: Too easy. (Your mom’s too easy.)
Good day, sirs and madams.

-Tucker Max

Israeli-Palestinian Conflict muffins for peace

Dear Editor:

In an ongoing effort to promote campus dialogue about political tensions in the Middle East, Students for a Peaceful Palestinian Israeli Future call on Bon App‚tit to stand up for peace, cooperation and a positive tomorrow. To this end, we would like to see Hilltop Bakery, Whispers Caf‚ and all other pastry-serving locations offer Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Muffins.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. If our campus starts each day with an important and delicious message of tolerance and peace, we can make a difference in this world.
Bon App‚tit, Washington University, we call on you to trade in your political leanings for muffins, and together we can bring peace to the Middle East. A muffin a day keeps the suicide bombers and armored bulldozers away.

-Ari Herman Rosenbladt
Students for a Peaceful Palestinian Israeli Future

Kelly

EDITOR’S NOTE: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

There’s too much sex on this campus. I walk to dormitory halls, I go into Student Health Services for a flu shot and I stroll through Mallinckrodt during tabling times and all I see are condoms, condoms, condoms. I don’t need some “friendly” Wash. U. student handing me a condom and telling me to have safe sex. I don’t want to go to the library only to be confronted by disgusting pictures of sexually transmitted diseases. No thank you.

With the members of the University so crazed about STD’s, I urge the campus to adopt a policy of strict abstinence. HPV, UTI’s, STI’s and all of those nasty letters can be eliminated if we would just keep our pants on.

Passing out condoms at every possible campus location only encourages students to procreate. Who needs condoms when you can have a chastity belt? As part of the new abstinence-only education plan, the University can offer chastity belts and purity rings instead.

I don’t want my tuition and health fees going to fund other people’s sex addictions. My parents don’t pay $44,000 to further my education only to have some of it going to the purchasing of condoms. Condoms don’t grow on trees, you know. The University must be putting out so much just to stock dorm floors, student groups and SHS with these latex tools of promiscuity.

An abstinence-only policy would be easy to enact. First off, stop offering condoms all over the place. Save some rubber trees, for crying out loud! Some poor exploited minority population somewhere in the world is probably being forced to slave away creating condoms just so some couple can get off. Choose conflict free, choose abstinence.

Furthermore, the University can develop anonymous hotlines. If you know of someone having sex (it’s not hard with thin walls and sexiled roommates to figure who’s getting it on) call it in and the Sexual Maintenance Squad (S and M’s) can put a stop to it.

So to you, my fellow class mates and my University, I urge you to abstain. Clean up this campus, clean up your life and help end child labor in third world condom producing countries – choose abstinence.

Chastity is a junior in the Business School (BS) and is currently aiming for her MRS degree. She is President of the Organization of Arts and Sciences Majors (Org.AS.M.) and she can be reached at [email protected].

EDITOR’S NOTE: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

I was born on a Tanzanian plain in one of the most edenic regions of the Serengeti. For many wealthy Europeans, my home is paradise. Wearing their oversized hats and trenchcoats, they come visit me on what they call “safari” all the time. They usually play this fun little game with me and my community, when they chase us with guns and shoot, and then we run at them and gore them. Some of my fondest memories are of playing safari. But for me, there was always one place that was better. I heard of this place known as Washington University in St. Louis, where everyone, even the deer and the antelope play. But once I got here, I soon found that this was no home on the range.

I came early and participated in the LAUNCH pre-orientation program. Even though everyone had two legs, we frolicked and danced and laughed and laughed. Playing safari never even occurred to me. Some of the friends I made in LAUNCH are still my closest friends. I went to every program offered during orientation, and I even attended multiple programs at the same time (never underestimate the power of a gnu). But then, on the last day of orientation, my roommate moved in. And, to my shock and horror, it was a manatee.

Manatees are Darwin’s rejects, and have no place at this University. They are responsible for global warming. We have often heard Al Gore and others tell us how basically the whole world will be underwater before long because of global warming. Now ask yourself, who benefits from that? Manatees, of course. They want to take over the world, but currently cannot survive on land. All of us, from gnu to emu to human, will be forced off this planet. Except for manatees. My room was already turned into a tank so my roommate could survive, and as a result, I spend nearly all my time in the library. Imagine that happening to all of us. Each and every one of us. Forced out of our homes, out of our atmospheres. The manatees will force all of the non-aquatic animals off the planet, then eat everything that’s left. Do you want to be eaten? That’s what I thought.

Manatees are also lazy, and contribute nothing to society. My roommate hasn’t even left EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU

(Editor’s note: Gnus were civilized by emus, and like emus, can only speak English for a certain amount of words before reverting to Emuranta. Gnicholas the Gnu is one of the smarter emus, and can speak 391 words of English before his natural language becomes unintelligible to the rest of us).

Some Hippie Who Can’t Spell. See? Hippies Are Way Lame

EDITOR’S NOTE: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

When I was approached about writing a column for Student Libel, I must say that I was surprised. Granted, I haven’t exactly been on good terms with Student Life ever since I placed almost every college newspaper editor in my “Hall of Shame,” but that’s a different story. So I was trying to figure out what I should write about, and then it dawned on me. I should write about the ridiculous number of hippies that are currently going to school here. I’m not going to paint a rosy campus picture for you. This campus is crawling with too many hippies for me to morally justify doing that to you. All I can do is tell you what kinds of hippies are present on this campus, and let you do the rest.

1. Student Worker Alliance

Yes, nothing motivates a campaign for better working standards quite like a bunch of lefty college kids who skip classes and sit on their asses in the admissions office for several weeks with nothing to do to except apply topical cream to all of the skin rashes that they get from wearing hemp bracelets. But that wasn’t enough for you, was it? Oh yes, you also had to ruin Taco Bell for everyone by whining about some namby-pamby fair tomato pricing hoax. Now red-blooded Americans like myself can’t enjoy a delicious half-pound cheesy bean and rice burrito on this campus. And why? To make a few tomato-hating, tofu-munching, dashiki-wearing hippies happy. For God’s sake, the half-pound cheesy bean and rice burrito doesn’t even have tomatoes in it! Jesus Christ! How you’ve managed to continue peddling your socialist agenda is beyond me, but I have news for you hippies: I will not let you ruin freedom.

2. Green Action

I don’t even know where to begin with this lot. The official agenda of campus environmental groups like Green Action is to work towards providing a sustainable and naturally beautiful campus, but I can tell you right now that this is a load of crap. The truth is that the only reason environmentalists give a care about protecting the trees and the bushes on this campus is that they all provide nice hiding places for them to sneak up behind you and ambush you with fun facts about which prominent Republican politician clubbed a baby seal today. I hope they get eaten by the squirrels.

3. Anyone who lives in the Wash U. Co-op

The Co-op is the largest nest of hippies that you’ll ever find. Whether its members are praising the egalitarian traits of a utopian commune or kicking around a hacky sack while waiting for the bong water to be changed, you’ll be sure to notice that something just isn’t right. Maybe it’s their unhealthy obsession with regularly cooking their meals using fresh produce from their gardens. Maybe it’s the frequent buzzwords like “community” and “sharing.” Regardless, you just feel that the spirit of Karl Marx runs this co-op.

So there you have it. Keep in mind that this is by no means an exhaustive list of all the different types of hippies on campus. For starters, anyone who disagrees with this my assessments is a de facto hippie. But I have faith that every real American on this campus can survive this onslaught of hippies so long as they do one thing: buy my latest book, “Culture Warrior,” for only $26.00.