Archive for March, 2008

Guy with TiVo hopes end of writers’ strike will make him popular again

Monday, March 31st, 2008 | Philo T. Farnsworth
Tim the Tool Man Taylor

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

Dardick resident and freshman Sean Cassidy has spent the last six months in relative isolation. But all that should change in the coming months.

“With the end of the writers’ strike and the return of some of the floor’s favorite shows, I’m really looking for my popularity to rise,” he said.

Cassidy had one of the most highly trafficked rooms at the beginning of the school year when his TiVo offered a unique entertainment opportunity to a variety of students. Floormate Jonathan Blowdart was a frequent visitor to Cassidy’s room.

“I didn’t really know the guy, but he was watching ’30 Rock’ one Friday afternoon with his door open, and I love that show. He invited me in and seemed pretty cool,” said Blowdart.

This was seemingly a common practice for Cassidy, whose room reportedly often hosted up to 20 students at any time.

“I remember a ton of people there for some episodes of ‘South Park,'” said Blowdart. “But I’m not sure how many of them knew the kid very well. I mean, I think I only learned his name after watching his TiVo six or seven times. Prior to that, I just called him ‘Hey Pass The Remote.'”

Cassidy attributes not only his popularity to TiVo but also his first love.

“My first girlfriend, Emily Swallows, hung out with me because I had every episode of ‘Gossip Girl,'” said Cassidy. “Once the writers went on strike, she dumped me for Kyle Feinberg, who has bootleg ‘Gilmore Girls’ DVDs. Now that the writers are back, Swallows will be mine again.”

Dame Dench discovered drunk driving, doing dastardly deeds

Monday, March 31st, 2008 | Ned Ryerson
Scott Bressler

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

Late last night, Officer Joe Harvey was startled to find famed thespian Dame Judi Dench behind the wheel of a green Ford Taurus that had been swerving dangerously between traffic lanes in downtown Los Angeles before being pulled over.

“I was surprised because she’s such an old biddy, but she was slurring her words and couldn’t focus,” said Harvey. “And, you know, swerving the wrong way down an eight-lane highway.”

When Harvey asked for her license and registration, Dame Dench “screwed up her eyeballs and called me ‘sugar tits.'” Harvey then asked her to exit the vehicle.

Dame Dench reportedly fumbled with her door handle and, as she began to emerge from the car, a large amount of white powder spilled from her pocket. “She mumbled ‘those aren’t my pockets’ and fell on the asphalt,” said Harvey.

Dame Dench is a six-time nominee and one-time winner of an Academy Award for her work as Queen Elizabeth in “Shakespeare in Love.” Investigators later claimed at least three Oscars were found stashed in the glove compartment. Dench denied any knowledge of the Oscar fraud.

Harvey then ventured around to the rear of the vehicle, where he heard a muffled noise.

“I opened up the trunk, and there was a little kid bound and gagged back there,” said Harvey. He soon realized that that “kid” was Mary-Kate Olsen.

“Well, I shut the trunk back up ’cause I just wasn’t sure what to do with an Olsen twin at that moment.”

He then ventured to investigate the large, hitched U-Haul, in which he discovered 60 illegal immigrants.

“That explained why she blew through the Mexican-American border the way she did,” said Harvey.

The officer then returned to the near-catatonic Dame and dragged her to her feet.

“She was a real sweetheart when I cuffed her and put her in the car,” said Harvey, “grabbing me and telling me she had a bodyguard position open, ‘if I knew what she meant.’ As long, she said, as I promised not to write a tell-all once I quit.”

Harvey slammed the door on another downward spiral and drove her off for a horrifically unflattering mug shot, which was leaked early this morning.

The Dame will be arraigned this weekend and is expected to serve a 23-second jail sentence sometime in the next 60 years.

The illegal immigrants took one look at Los Angeles and decided to go home.

Someone Good to play W.I.L.D.

Monday, March 31st, 2008 | Duncan Sheik
Lil John

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

Team 31 was excited to announce this semester’s W.I.L.D. headliner, and the pick was met with elation by students.

“Finally, Someone Good is playing at W.I.L.D.,” said senior Izzie McFizz.

Someone Good is a fusion group composed of three members and a 15-person entourage.

Team 31, the student group in charge of organizing the biannual bacchanal, petitioned for extra money from Student Union’s appeal budget with the hopes of finally landing a big name performer.

“Our recent surveys have indicated a desire for bigger and better performers,” said a Team 31 spokesperson. “Normally, we ignore all those surveys, but we figured, what the hell, let them eat cake.”

When asked how they felt about performing at W.I.L.D., Tyler Finny, lead singer for Someone Good, said, “Show me your kitties!”

Of course, having Someone Good comes at a price, and Team 31 was unable to afford any openers. Fortunately, Team 31, a resourceful group, was able to get openers that agreed to perform free of charge.

“We posted on and immediately got a flood of responses,” said Team 31’s Simon Treble.

Team 31 is welcoming Los Del Rio, known best for the “Macarena,” and Aqua, better known for “In the Heat of the Night.” The Team 31 street team was also able to recruit self-proclaimed rap artist Sandwich, star of the Delmar Loop Shell station.

“It’s a great lineup, and we think the crowd will actually come to the entire show,” said a representative of Team 31.

The Facebook group “I <3 W.I.L.D.," formed only two days ago, has already reached 70,000 members. "I'm going to make out with so many chicks. W.I.L.D. is the best," said Stan Browuni.

SU votes to deify President Patel

Monday, March 31st, 2008 | Gnaeus Calpurnius Piso
San Fernando Jones

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

Student Union Senate voted yesterday to deify SU President Neil Patel. The popular president will hereafter be known as the Deified Patellius.

The last SU president to receive this honor was the Deified Aderus, who graduated in 2006. Aderus received a triumph and the Senate’s admiration for his victory in the war with the Emory barbarians.

Patellius was recognized primarily for the pax danfortha that he has brought to the University. The Senate is planning on erecting a Temple to the Deified Patellius in the Danforth University Center in the fall.

Patellius graciously accepted the Senate’s decree and welcomed the opportunity to be worshipped as a god by the lesser mortals.

“It’s about time that the position of SU president has gotten some recognition,” said Patellius. “Worshiping me is the least they can do after having me sit in meetings until 1:30 a.m.”

Wrighton regrets blocking Obama from speaking on campus

Monday, March 31st, 2008 | Stu Crabshack
Ryan Stiles

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

Danforth University Chancellor Mark Wrighton expressed regrets yesterday for not allowing Democratic presidential candidate Senator Barack Obama to speak on campus. In a candid interview, Wrighton lamented the opportunities lost in the wake of Obama’s address on racial issues.

“Did you guys see his speech on race?” asked Wrighton. “If we hadn’t been such d-bags, he could have given that speech here at Dan. U.”

Wrighton was primarily dismayed by what the speech would have done for the University’s image and its reputation for diversity.

“We could have trotted out the half dozen black students and people might have been convinced that we stand for more than just token diversity,” said Wrighton.

Other students were equally upset by the opportunities squandered by barring Obama.

“Why the hell are you interviewing me? I’m an art student and I don’t even watch the news,” said junior Jefferson Brown. “Do you think that just because I’m black I must adore Obama and have some insight into black politics?”

Wrighton promised to invite other prominent black speakers to campus to enlighten the University about racial issues in America.

“We could important black, the speaker’s committee will make a strong recommendation. Diversity is important,” said Wrighton. “I know lots of black dudes. They’re my homies.”

Police Beat

Monday, March 31st, 2008 | Skippy McDoodad

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

Wednesday, March 26

Noon a.m. DISTURBANCE-A WRINKLIN’ TIME CENTER-Student observed trying to change the time on the Clocktower. When approached, student became defensive and explained he was setting the time seven minutes late, so students would actually get to class on the hour. Disposition: cleared by arrest.

4:55 p.m. LARCENY-ATHLETIC COMPLEX-Bear suit missing, suspect apprehended on Bushyhead Track. Disposition: referred to a Furry meeting.

Thursday, February 29

2:22 a.m. INFORMATION ONLY REPORT-MYERS HOUSE-BME student arrested for trespassing at party in Myers dorm. When confronted, officer informed student he should be “studying for something.” Subsequent blood tests revealed elevated levels of optimism and happiness. Disposition: Student admitted to Olin Library.

Friday, March 28

3:46 p.m. GRAND THEFT SCOOTER-OUTSIDE OF HURD HOUSE-Student on pink scooter and DUPD Segway collided in slow-speed joy ride. Disposition: both parties referred to JA.

7:11 p.m. DRUG DISTRIBUTION-BEAUMONT HOUSE-Two students arrested for drug possession and distribution after entire building’s occupants were seen cavorting on the swamp in penguin outfits. Methamphetamine lab discovered next to root beer keg in Beaumont 118. Disposition: Pending.

Saturday, March 29

11:30 a.m. MEDICAL ASSIST-MAIN CAMPUS-Prospective student had seizure upon seeing a brown patch of grass. EST arrived, student announced he would not attend Wash. U. Disposition-cleared by paying the groundskeepers even less.

9:00 p.m. INDECENT EXPOSURE-WHISPERS CAFE, OLIN LIBRARY BATHROOMS, BEAR’S DEN, VILLAGE COMMONS, SOUTH 40 DORMS, NORTH SIDE DORMS, LOPATA HALL-Hundreds of posters displaying scantily clad students discovered across campus. Strategically placed signs did not hide fact that many of the students had no clothing on. Disposition: Love Your Body student group currently held under $700 bail.

Saturday, March 29

11:56 a.m. LARCENY-WHISPERS CAFE-Dell laptop left student unattended on desk. Student found missing upon return two hours later. Disposition: Under investigation.

New Danforth Center to be demolished and replaced

Monday, March 31st, 2008 | Skippy McDoodad

Stressing Danforth University’s commitment to the environment and a sustainable future, Chancellor Mark Wrighton announced plans to demolish the Danforth University Center at the end of this year in favor of a new building that will achieve an “enriched uranium” level of LEED certification.

The demolition of the current building is slated for August 1, several days after the building’s dedication ceremony. Wrighton said the new building is being torn down because it will be out of date by the time it is finished.

Construction of the new building is expected to take 14 years. According to Wrighton, the new University Center will move beyond the simple and sustainable materials that were used to construct the Danforth Center in favor of better, higher quality supplies.

“The new University Center will use supplies like seal skin and ivory that are durable and long-lasting,” said Wrighton during a press conference.

“Students have become used to the gaping hole in the ground and we would hate to disappoint them by opening a building that does not live up to their expectations,” he added.

Spiderman prime suspect for Myers burglaries

Monday, March 31st, 2008 | Polly Pocket

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

Danforth University Police Department has made an arrest in the Myers burglaries case. After reviewing hours of security camera footage, the DUPD believes it has finally cracked the case. The prime suspect is Spider-Man.

“It all seems so simple now,” said Officer Slim Pickens. “Who else would have the spidey sense and wall-crawling abilities to get to all of those suites?”

Authorities are now looking for Spider-Man, but so far he has eluded capture.

“It’s a sticky situation, and we’re proceeding with utmost caution,” said Pickens.

Students are reacting to the news with mixed feelings. Sophomore Scooter Bresson was somewhat excited by the idea of the Marvel star entering his domicile.

“I mean, Spider-Man is the man. Or spider. Or whatever,” said Bresson. “The fact that he now has my stereo, well, I kind of feel honored.”

But most students just want their stuff back. Stolen goods included TVs, DVDs, stereo systems and in one reported case, a loofah.

DUPD will be working with Clayton officials to hopefully bring a swift end to this case. Spider Pig, who was formerly on the list of prime-rib suspects, has been released from custody.

Officials believe the motive behind these crimes is one of money.

“In his other life, Spider-Man is a freelance photographer, after all. He probably needs the money,” said sophomore Petery Park. “I hope my DVD player goes to a better place.”

Marvel Comics was not available for comment.

Fro-yo machines shut down, panic ensues

Monday, March 31st, 2008 | Thou Shalt Covet No Gods Before This Guy!
Scott Bressler

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

Since the dawn of time, Danforth University’s frozen yogurt machines have been the campus’s most esteemed landmarks. Like orcas to a flame, undergrads flock to these devices no matter the outside temperature. They often eschew a cup for their mouth, or as one husky sophomore put it, “Nature’s cone.” The ritual has escalated to such an extent that Morgan Freeman has offered to narrate a documentary chronicling the migration of freshmen to Bear Mart.

But thanks to one clumsy Bon Appétit worker who spilled a batch of lead-riddled Asian Bosco sticks into the University’s fro-yo reservoir, many students’ sole source of happiness on this Earth has been dashed. At first, Bon Appétit staff thought a sign reading “Out of Order” would keep students away. But undergrads still came in droves with their funnels and suction tubes, trying to siphon all they could muster of that sweet, sugary panacea. After underestimating how little students cared about contracting lead poisoning, the University erected an electric fence around Bear Mart.

Now “weeping circles” are becoming popular across the South 40. Undergrads meet to cry and discuss their fondest fro-yo memories. The tears are then pooled and eaten, in hopes the taste of the frozen treat will be evoked.

“Fro-yo tears have half the calories of normal tears; weeping circles are an excellent way to combat withdrawal symptoms,” said one pre-med student.

When an actual doctor was reached for comment, he called these circles “utterly moronic” and “cult-like” and recommended that students “just stop eating frozen yogurt for a while and buy a damn piece of fruit!”

University announces tuition freeze

Monday, March 31st, 2008 | Hardtack Snoggingsworth
Charlie the Unicorn

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

There will be no increase in tuition next year, the Danforth University administration announced today. Additionally, all students will be provided with unicorns equipped with GPS units, free of charge.

The University announced the tuition freeze while unveiling the new Gingerbread Gumdrop dorm on the South 40. Chancellor Mark Wrighton said that the tuition freeze and unicorns are part of the University’s new “Plan for Awesomeness.”

“We feel that students should be getting exactly what they want out of college, and our surveys show that what students want is candy and unicorns,” said Wrighton. “We figured that as long as we were living in a fantasy world, we might as well freeze tuition.”

Wrighton also announced that Santa Claus will be the next dean of the School of Engineering and Applied Sciences.