Archive for the ‘News Schnews’ Category

Belegarth and ROTC battle in the swamp; students shell-shocked

Friday, March 31st, 2006 | Liza Bound
Lieutenant Colonel Bill Kilgore

Dear Reader: This article appears as part of Student Life’s annual April Fool’s issue. Please don’t think anything in it is true. It’s all made up.

The South 40 is in shambles and multiple students have been hospitalized after the unsuspected battle that recently transpired on Washington University’s Swamp.

In an unprecedented campus occurrence, Belegarth, the medieval combat society that can be seen many Sunday afternoons playing with foam swords, and ROTC came to blows in an all-out battle on the swamp.

The destruction was great, leaving a gaping hole in Wohl Center, making Beaumont and Rubelmann dorms the equivalent of smoked Swiss cheese, injuring many students and civilians and tearing up some of the carefully planted flowers and shrubbery.

“Well, we were going to tear down Beaumont and Ruby in the near future anyway,” said University construction committee member Stan Wreckin. “This will actually save the students a lot of money, because we were going to raise tuition to cover the demolition and reconstruction of these freshman dorms. We will, however, have to go through and replant and landscape the entire South 40.”

Rubelmann was ablaze for several hours, fed by the massive amounts of alcohol in students’ rooms, whereas such items were not present in Beaumont.

Tensions arose in the early afternoon when cadets of the ROTC marched across the field where Belegarth members were practicing swordplay and shield handling. Nearby students reported harsh words exchanged between the groups. ROTC then appeared to retreat.

Unfortunately, the seemingly resumed peace was broken when a grenade was lobbed across the Ruby/Beaumont tunnel into the midst of the faux-armor clad medieval warriors. ROTC advanced from all sides and Belegarth rushed into the tide of green fatigues.

“There was such noise and ruckus that I thought WUStock had come back,” said one sophomore resident of Park.

Forces collided and the groups seemed equally matched in strength. Unfortunately for ROTC, its guns contain only blanks for training purposes – and so the battle progressed, foam swords against blank-loaded M-16’s.

It appeared that Belegarth was outnumbered and in trouble – no match for the highly trained regiment of cadets – but reinforcement arrived when the trebuchet was rolled out of the subterranean garage under the swing sets (a forgotten prototype of the upcoming garage to be built under the IM fields).

The trebuchet propelled ammunition straight into Wohl, leaving a gaping hole where the grill used to be. Several students were reported looting chicken tenders from the wreckage and carnage.

Wounded students were carted off of the swamp, but many died in transit due to failure to locate Student Health Services. Health Services claims no responsibility in the casualties.

“We wouldn’t have been able to help them anyway,” said nurse Mona Niclosis. “We are only trained to identify pregnancy and mono.”

The trebuchet appeared to be the turning point in the battle, and Belegarth rallied against ROTC for a near-victory until a “cavalry” of WUPD officers were sent in on a massive Segway charge.

While the University maintains that it never suspected such an event, WUPD claims to have had leads that the University ignored.

“We’d heard rumors,” said Chief of Police Don Strom. “We’ve been tapping the phones of certain students and it seemed as if they were planning something, but I never imagined it would be of this magnitude.”

In light of the event, Chancellor Mark S. Wrighton plans to implement a new five-year plan, the Danforth Act, named after former Chancellor Bill Danforth, who has already provided major funding for the project. The Act will allow the administration to tap student and faculty phones and read student mail.

“With all of the recent alcohol-related incidents and questionable sexual acts around campus, and now this rash outbreak of violence, it’s time we got more involved with our students,” said Wrighton.

Students are still reacting to the violence, making it easier for the administration to initiate its new plans undetected.

“[ROTC] had it coming,” said Dharzalo of Madranwl, from Belegarth. “They have never respected our legions and art of ancient fighting.”

ROTC, however, claimed the initial insult was on the side of Belegarth.

“They need to get with the program,” said Cadet Steve Rockton. “Swords are so last couple of centuries ago and they’re just using foam padding and pretending to hack off each other’s limbs.”

Members of both groups involved in the brutal battle are being detained in the WUPD drunk tanks, awaiting judgment from the administration and local authorities.

“I just can’t believe this would happen here,” said one freshman, recovering from the shock. “Now my physics homework is going to be late because it burned up in one of the building fires.”

Abu Ghraib-like torture cell discovered deep inside WUPD headquarters

Friday, March 31st, 2006 | Pfc. Lynndie England
WUPD File Photo

Dear Reader: This article appears as part of Student Life’s annual April Fool’s issue. Please don’t think anything in it is true. It’s all made up.

Since he hit his first doobie in high school, sophomore Joe Francis has been hooked on weed. Friends and roommates say he has been known to roll a fat joint an average of three times a day.

“I’ve always felt safe toking up on campus,” said Francis in a recent interview. “The RA’s [resident advisers] don’t care. The other kids on my floor aren’t narcs. Sometimes they would even ask me to buy some grass.”

But on the evening of Sept. 12, 2005, those feelings of security faded with the sunset. After believing he bombed an organic chemistry test, Francis decided to take some bong hits in the baseball team’s dugout.

“I told him not to do it alone,” said a friend, who wished to remain anonymous out of concern for his safety. “I’m not a religious man, but there are two commandments I follow: Never sneak up behind a deaf midget and never, ever smoke alone.”

Had Francis headed his friend’s advice, he may never have been imprisoned, tortured and mentally scarred.

But he didn’t, and he was.

His imprisonment has revealed a dark side of the Washington University Police Department – an underbelly of crime, corruption and secrecy.

Through dozens of interviews and analysis of several hundred documents, Student Libel has uncovered a secret prison, run and sanctioned by WUPD. Sources say it is located in a shed behind the department.

“Why are you electrocuting my balls?”

According to confidential documents obtained by Student Libel, a WUPD officer spotted smoke rising from the dugout at about 8:30 p.m. He decided to check out the situation.

When he arrived, he saw Francis smoking marijuana and using illegal paraphernalia to do so. Francis was apparently so blazed he didn’t know the officer was present, an arrest report said.

Even though Francis was passive and showed no signs of aggression, the officer elected to club Francis unconscious with his nightstick.

When Francis woke up, he was seated in an elevated chair, like the one you sit in at the dentist’s office. Francis’ eyesight was still hazy, but he was able to see electrodes pasted on his exposed testicles.

The shaft remained in his pants.

According to a police log of the incident provided to Student Life by a senior administrator inside WUPD, Chief Don Strom – foaming at the mouth like a rabid dog – held the lever of the electrocution device.

“What recipe should we make today?” asked Strom, according to the log. “Fried testes, nuts on a skewer, or scrambled scrotum sticks?”

The other officers in the room decided on the scrambled scrotum sticks.

“Okay, here goes,” Strom said, pulling the lever.

The electric shock pulsed through the wires and overwhelmed Francis’s jizz producers.

“I love it when smoke comes off a dude’s balls,” another officer purportedly said.

Strom, along with Chancellor Mark S. Wrighton and Dean of Students James McLeod, refused comment for this article.

The shock treatment lasted off and on for 20 minutes. Francis seeped in and out of consciousness.

In between grunts of pain, he managed to ask one simple question: “Why are you electrocuting my balls?”

A trail of torture

Francis was not the first to get his nut-sack fried. In fact, according to a Student Life analysis of WUPD documents, officers have been torturing students for two years.

“Basically, we all love to watch ’60 Minutes,'” said an officer. “So we saw the report on the whole Abu Ghraib, we thought, ‘We should do that, it looks like fun.”

In the two years since the torture program began, some 25 undergraduate students have been taken into custody. All but one was a male. Most of them have been arrested for possession of weed, but a few have been taken into custody for lewd acts.

On the night of May 1, 2005, around midnight, 19-year-old Michele Moser was caught performing oral sex on Mike Jones in a hammock in front of Shepley.

“She really liked him,” said Jaclyn Smith, Moser’s freshman roommate. “He was caring, considerate, good at muff diving, everything you’d want from a guy.”

But it became difficult for them to schedule liaisons. Both Jones and Moser lived in triples, making the practice of sexiling, wherein two partners remove roommates from their room so they can bone righteous in private, practically impossible.

“I had class early, I was single. Our other roommate lived on a completely different schedule. And as nice as Mike was, we just didn’t want to watch,” said Smith.

So they hooked up in public places including the bathrooms at The Vault, the clocktower in Brookings and the hammocks.

“Look, Michele is not a nympho. She’s not an exhibitionist,” said Smith. “She just wanted to get with this guy because he could get her off so easy.”

A WUPD officer waited for her to finish the act before apprehending the couple. In his report, he said he found used tissues and an empty tube of Neosporin at the scene. But an analysis conducted in a WUPD investigation found only the officer’s DNA on the two items.

After disappearing for six months, Jones was found lying naked on the South 40 clocktower. He had fake breasts and a vagina pasted on his body. There was scarring around his anus.

Since then, Jones has been placed under psychiatric care at Barnes-Jewish Hospital. He refuses to speak, and his family also declined to speak to Student Life.

Meantime, Moser’s whereabouts remain unknown.

“I want those fuckers to fry”

After four months of torture, Francis, the pot smoker, was found in a similar condition to that of Jones. According to documents, most students were deposited under the clock tower with vaginas and breasts glued to their bodies.

“Sometimes, the officers like to paste black breasts on a white dude’s body,” a former officer said. “They think it’s a funny juxtaposition.”

He added, “I would’ve never known what juxtaposition meant had I not worked at Wash. Jew. Those Hebes may be cheap, but they’re sure smart.”

Francis would like to seek psychological help, but Student Health and Counseling Services has repeatedly said it’s booked forever.

“And even if it weren’t.” a SHCS spokesman said, “we don’t think his trauma his serious enough to be worthy of our attention.”

Francis also sued the University and WUPD, but the suit was dropped. “This is the most ludicrous thing I’ve ever heard,” said St. Louis County judge at the hearing. “WUPD is great. They are the most by-the-book police force around.” The Missouri Attorney General’s Office has refused to even acknowledge Francis’s allegations.

“I wish they would believe me,” Francis said. “But I’m a 21- year-old stoner. I have no credibility. But I know what happened to me was real.”

Why would WUPD engage in such activities? A former officer says it has to do with envy.

“Look at it this way. The officers are underpaid and overworked. Their IQ scores are below average,” he said “They deal with a bunch of snobby, rich kids who are smarter than them and will have better jobs than them when they graduate. They’re pissed off. And they’re especially pissed off at the dope-smokers, who can afford the quality grass they can’t get.”

That may be an explanation, but it is not justice for Francis.

“I will hold them accountable for what they did to me,” he said. “A university is supposed to be a place that breeds intellectual freedom, not terror.”

SU execs make strange bedfellows…literally

Friday, March 31st, 2006 | Sue Stalker
Jeff Zove

Dear Reader: This article appears as part of Student Life’s annual April Fool’s issue. Please don’t think anything in it is true. It’s all made up.

Sexile turned to exile as Student Union President David Ader expelled Treasurer Ed Banti from Tuesday’s Senate meeting following a spat between the two over disputed beau and Vice President Pam Bookbinder.

The sudden expulsion was precipitated by a night during which Ader came to the Student Union (SU) offices, only to find Banti’s sock on the doorknob and the message “Dave, we’re busy – Ed,” written beside it. Ader then noticed the brassiere of Bookbinder, his immediate subordinate and current girlfriend, at his feet.

“I just do not believe that Pamela would do something like this,” said Ader, who has since called for Banti’s resignation, in addition to calling Bookbinder’s cellphone 17 times. “The sparks flew ever since I beat her in the election [for SU president] a couple years ago, and now she will not even answer my calls.”

Banti, however, sees things differently, and attributes Bookbinder’s change of heart to his newly shaven head, a haircut he received along with Ader at Relay for Life.

“They say that when you buzz your hair, it reveals your true character,” said Banti. “I guess when Pammie saw Dave and me side by side, she just could not resist a little treasure, if you know what I mean.”

Bookbinder refused to comment on the issue.

Tensions came to a head on Tuesday when Ader caught Banti gently stroking Bookbinder’s hair and massaging her back during the “Open Forum” section of the meeting. He promptly asked Banti to leave, to which the treasurer responded, “Respect the lady’s choice, loser,” before walking out.

While the love triangle may cause problems for the SU staff, one executive, SU Speaker of the Treasury Harsh Agarwal, sees the debate as positive.

“I think this is a step in the right direction for SU, especially the Treasury,” said Agarwal, who also shares a suite with Banti. “Ed has been a little, shall we say, frustrated lately, and this experience will really let him release some tension and focus on the treasury’s goals.”

But some, including former SU Treasury representative hannah draper, think the drama reflects very negatively on SU’s executives.

“That is some fucked up shit,” said draper. “I would not be surprised if [SU Treasury representative] Judson Clark and [SU Speaker of the Senate] Jeff Zove are also in on the action.”

While the sexual mores that draper suggests would be against Robert’s Rules of Order, the pamphlet that SU uses to guide its proceedings, Agarwal says he is not concerned.

“To be honest, I have never even opened that book,” said Agarwal. “Some [SU executives] thought about checking it out of the library once, but we are not even sure it exists. We kind of make up the rules as we go along.”

Meanwhile, Ader sees a silver lining.

“In my opinion, this is the first interesting thing to come out of SU in all four years I have been here,” he said. “Maybe now people will watch our TV show.”

-With additional reporting by Roman Goldstein

SHCS discovers new disease

Friday, March 31st, 2006 | Dr. John Carter
Courtesy of My Wet Dream

Dear Reader: This article appears as part of Student Life’s annual April Fool’s issue. Please don’t think anything in it is true. It’s all made up.

Doctors at Student Health and Counseling Services (SHCS) made a surprising discovery this week.

It all started when a sick student presented herself at SHCS on Tuesday morning. Triage nurse Amy Richards was the first person to assess the student’s condition.

“She was running a pretty high fever and had a stuffed-up nose and a headache,” said Richards. “My first instinct was that she had either mono or strep throat, because that’s what everyone has if they’re running a fever.”

The student next met with Dr. Patrick McCarthy.

“She was definitely really sick,” said McCarthy. “So of course I figured she had to have mono or strep, because what else could make a person sick like that? And when I saw that the nurse also thought she had mono or strep, I knew I had to be right. But then as I was asking the student about her symptoms, she said she didn’t have a sore throat. I thought that was really strange.”

Both mono, which is caused by a virus, and strep throat, which is caused by a bacteria, are characterized by a very sore throat and swollen glands in the neck area.

“So then I got to thinking, if it’s not strep or mono, she must be pregnant,” said McCarthy. “When I asked if she had missed her period she said that not only had she not missed one, but that she had never had sex. At that point I was really confused.”

With all three of the diagnoses in McCarthy’s arsenal eliminated, he consulted with his colleague at SCHS, Dr. Lisa Smith.

“I told him that back when I was in medical school I had learned about this other disease that can cause a high fever like this student had. It’s called influenza, or the flu for short,” said Smith. “I had always wanted to pull that one out and diagnose somebody with it. It sounds so exotic, ‘influenza.’ But of course the only things that people here get are strep, mono and pregnancy. So I was really excited that a student had come in who fit the description.”

McCarthy was intrigued by news of this strange illness, so he took to the Internet for more information. Wikipedia’s entry on influenza surprised him.

“This article said that influenza is actually a really common illness. Millions of people get it every year, with some people even dying of it. I guess it was just a matter of time before someone at Washington University contracted it,” he said.

Word quickly spread that a student at the University had been diagnosed with influenza.

“I overheard these people in Holmes Lounge talking about it,” said junior Erica Rosenberg. “They were all freaked out, because apparently it’s contagious. They were really worried that they were going to get sick.”

The flu is spread by direct contact with an infected person’s saliva, which can be expelled during a cough.

“I also read on Wikipedia about a flu vaccine, which can be taken to prevent influenza even if you’re exposed to it,” said McCarthy. “I called several local hospitals in the area and found out that they actually give people these vaccines all the time. Who knew?”

Dr. Alan Glass, director of SHCS, was excited to hear that doctors at his facility were able to make the diagnosis.

“This means that they’re really thinking and analyzing the situation,” he said. “I think the next step is for the staff to become more aware of the symptoms of this illness so that they are better able to spot it if it pops up again.”

Glass also stated that he is also going to educate his staff about another mysterious illness that he believes will soon invade our campus. Training sessions about the common cold and how to treat it are set to begin next week.

Dean McLeod expresses an opinion

Friday, March 31st, 2006 | Stu Crabshack
Courtesy of Professor Jami Ake

Dear Reader: This article appears as part of Student Life’s annual April Fool’s issue. Please don’t think anything in it is true. It’s all made up.

In a rare moment of weakness, Vice Chancellor for Students Jim McLeod backed away from his usual politically correct dean-speak to express his actual opinion on something last Tuesday.

Speaking at a benefit luncheon for quintuple amputees, Vice Chancellor for Students and Dean of the College of Arts & Sciences Jim McLeod said, “I want to say that I and the University as a whole are very proud of the spirit of academic pursuit taking place today at this admirable occasion. We feel strongly that these people are doing a great service to the community, encourage them to keep up their good work and look forward to their continued success. I would also like to answer the question on many peoples’ minds and say simply: Boxers. I never have been and never will be a tighty-whitey man, although I have complete respect for those who disagree with me.”

Vice Chancellor for Students, Dean of the College of Arts & Sciences and Special Envoy to Iraq Jim McLeod went on to explain how he feels that the Washington University campus as a whole benefits from a diversity of underwear and that he does not want to make anyone feel unwelcome in his or her personal clothing choice.

But, he went on to emphasize, he has never been comfortable in either BVDs or boxer briefs because “they just don’t have enough room for my junk.”

Some of the students attending the luncheon were shocked that Vice Chancellor for Students, Dean of the College of Arts & Sciences, Special Envoy to Iraq and Chairman of the Council on Race Relations Jim McLeod would be so bold and forceful in his speech.

“This is so out of character for him,” said sophomore Herman Rosengoldsteinbladt. “He’s usually the most boring and sterile sack of crap on campus.”

By Wednesday morning Brookings went into full damage control mode. Chancellor Wrighton, Dean Edward Macias, and Vice Chancellor Jill Carneghi each issued statements stressing the importance of tolerance of all points of view and attempted to distance themselves from the “divisive” Vice Chancellor of Students, Dean of the College of Arts & Sciences, Special Envoy to Iraq, Chairman of the Council on Race Relations and Assistant Undersecretary to the Deputy Vice President of the Attorney General’s Special Committee on Adolescent Underage Missouri Terrorism Task Force Jim McLeod.

McLeod, sensing the backlash, dug in his heels and defended his statement, saying, “They’re just jealous.”

Student sleeps with her prof, fails class anyway

Friday, March 31st, 2006 | Heidi Ho
Oliver Clothesoff

Dear Reader: This article appears as part of Student Life’s annual April Fool’s issue. Please don’t think anything in it is true. It’s all made up.

When freshman Lindsay Slutszky saw the D at the top of her Physics 112 exam, she reacted like many Washington University students do.

“I went into the bathroom in Crow Hall and cried for an hour,” said Slutszky. “Then I ate three cups of fro-yo and called my parents.”

Slutszky said she then came to her senses and contacted her professor to see what she could do about raising her grade.

“I told him I was willing to do anything,” said Slutszky. “Absolutely anything.”

Professor Rodney Cox, she said, was surprisingly accommodating. Slutszky would simply need to take a make-up exam in Cox’s office consisting of two sections: oral and free response.

When she checked her grades on WebSTAC during winter break, however, Slutszky was shocked to learn that she had failed the class despite her extra efforts. She is now appealing to Edward Macias, Dean of Arts & Sciences, for review.

“It’s heartbreaking because I felt I had come prepared and performed well,” said Slutszky. “I mean, half the male physics majors had offered to help me study, I pulled all-night group study sessions with the guys from TKE, and I practiced the oral section with my TA for hours beforehand.”

Cox insisted on the fairness of Slutszky’s final grade, given her performance on the make-up exam. The exam began with a brief oral section involving two small masses attached to one rigid rod, continued with free response questions involving Friction and Collisions, and climaxed with a focus on Fluids in Motion.

“Ms. Slutszky performed well on the oral portion of the exam,” said Cox. “But that can be said of many of my female students. Where she failed to distinguish herself was in the free response portion.”

Slutszky’s problem, Macias said, is a common one among many first-semester freshmen. He looks forward to helping Slutszky to achieve a better grade in the class and to raise her self-esteem.

“Washington University recruits the best and the brightest,” said Macias. “What students don’t realize is that, while they may be at the top of their classes in high school, they will undoubtedly encounter students with much more experience at such a prestigious university, students that are willing to truly exert themselves for an A, to literally do anything that’s necessary. And we’d like them to know that we have a distinguished faculty willing to help them do just that.”

Two out of three ‘Just the Facts’ poster children die from alcohol-related causes

Friday, March 31st, 2006 | Tunna I. Rony
Courtesy of Women’s Christian Temperance Union

Dear Reader: This article appears as part of Student Life’s annual April Fool’s issue. Please don’t think anything in it is true. It’s all made up.

Two out of the three students on the “Just the Facts” poster who drink four or fewer drinks when they party died Thursday night from what appear to be alcohol-related causes.

Catherine Clapham and Amelia Boone, both seniors, met their demise within half an hour of one another, with Clapham falling out of a window on the top story of Wheeler House and Boone collapsing in front of a troop of Girl Scouts selling cookies in Wohl Center.

Clapham and Boone began the night together at a party on the fourth floor of Wheeler, according to the party’s host, junior Annie Busch.

“After they got here, they each drank one 12 oz. beer, 4 oz. of wine, and two 1 oz. shots of liquor, just like the poster says they do,” said Busch.

At about 7 p.m., for reasons unknown, Clapham and Boone each accepted a fifth drink. That’s where the problems began, said Busch.

“I guess they just didn’t know how to handle that fifth drink,” said Busch. “That one brunette girl in the yellow shirt, she got soooo wasted.”

During her final moments, Clapham was seen to enter one of the bedrooms, fall twice while trying to climb onto the raised bed, and begin tampering with the window.

She was then heard to say, “Omigod you guys, remember when that drunk girl fell out the window on this floor?”

Partygoers then heard a crash. EST rushed to the scene to find Clapham impaled on a bunch of spikes in the grassy area outside the dorm. After 15 minutes of shining a flashlight in her face and asking her if she was drunk, they declared her dead.

“This is unreal,” said Christopher Tufts, president of EST. “Like, I was sitting in the library just waiting for my walkie-talkie to go off, and then it did, so I sprinted here as fast as I could.”

While EST practiced CPR on Clapham, Boone had wandered off in a drunken stupor toward Wohl Center.

Those who saw her enter said that she was muttering something about toasted ravioli “with a shitload of tomato sauce” until she saw Girl Scout Troop 1833 selling cookies in the hallway.

Diners said that Boone then squealed and stumbled toward the Girl Scouts saying “Oh my freakin’ God I love Thin Mints.”

Witnesses reported that Boone never reached the table piled with cookies, passing out in front of the scouts and their troop leaders.

“Who does that?” said Alpha Phi sister Candy Brandy, who witnessed the incident. “It is so inappropriate to get drunk at a public place like that. It so gives the school a bad name.”

WUPD arrived by Segway within minutes. Although Chief of Police Don Strom could not say with accuracy how much Boone had drunk, the tally marks on her left arm that ended in a long smudge indicated that she had had at least seven.

When asked how she felt about these two tragedies, Melissa Ruwitch, coordinator of the Just the Facts committee, emphasized that they do not indicate failure of the program itself.

“As you can clearly see, there are five students on the poster,” said Ruwitch. “That these two students exhibited poor judgment has no bearing upon our ambiguous statistics.”

Just the Facts is currently seeking two attractive, well-groomed and ethnically diverse individuals to fill the now empty slots on the far left side of its poster.

Children’s Studies minor merges with Business School

Friday, March 31st, 2006 | Bill Fold
The Donald

Dear Reader: This article appears as part of Student Life’s annual April Fool’s issue. Please don’t think anything in it is true. It’s all made up.

In an announcement on Tuesday by Dean Mahendra Gupta of the Olin School of Business, the newest concentration available to business school students will be in the field of Children’s Studies.

“We wanted to put the “preschool back in the B-school” said Gupta. “Students in other colleges such as Engineering and Arts and Sciences are working much too hard. Look at those pre-med students packed in the library all day! We wanted to give our business students a more ‘real world’ opportunity in life.”

Some of the potential classes include “Playing Fair 101” and “Coloring Between the Lines 300.” While the business school still does not hold any classes on Fridays, students can choose between a.m. and p.m. sessions of the new concentration so that the maximum number of students can participate.

“I think it’s awesome,” said Junior Jeff Sheboygan of the new minor. “I mean, now I get a 4 day weekend, every weekend. They do say that everything I need to know, I learned in kindergarten. It’s completely applicable.”

Jill Carnaghi, associate vice chancellor for students, was optimistic about the minor stating, “Students need to know real skills out there in the workforce. It’s more important that we learn about sharing and effective communication through the use of show-and-tell methods rather than managing hedge funds or looking at price/earnings ratios.”

According to Kathy Alimoni, counselor for the Career Center, there are several career applications of the Children’s Studies minor, such as video game developers, Toys ‘R Us business managers and babysitters.

Future plans for the business school include integrating other minors into the traditional business curriculum such as Interpretive Dance and General Studies.

Gupta remained confident that the Children’s Studies Minor would be beneficial in recruiting more students to the Olin School.

“We have several independent study and mentorship opportunities available in conjunction with Wydown Middle School and University City schools,” said Gupta. “Our students can interact with their students and show them that college doesn’t have to be all work, no play. Playtime is extremely important for all of our students.”

Student writes gibberish, ‘Jabberwocky’ poem on orgo test, receives 4 points

Friday, March 31st, 2006 | Allison von der Land

Dear Reader: This article appears as part of Student Life’s annual April Fool’s issue.

Editor’s Note: While this story is fake, Orgo Test Guy is no urban legend. The test described here was both turned in and graded for Organic Chemistry 252 on March 1, 2006.

A freaking weird Organic Chemistry examination was discovered on March 1, sources disclosed this week. The exam received 4 points out of 100, the lowest grade in the class.

Among the answers provided by the mysterious student were a sketch of Santa Claus and his sled, frequent mentions of actor Chuck Norris, and a near-perfect copy of Lewis Carroll’s poem “Jabberwocky.”

“Usually we get our share of bizarrely and poorly answered Orgo exams,” explained Chemistry Teaching Assistant Alan Vermillion. “But this one really just takes the cake. Really, there’s just no freaking way someone could have included the word ‘Zinwrathium’ as an answer to a question about identifying the chiral centers of organic compounds.”

The identity of the “Orgo Test Guy,” the name many Washington University student have given the student, remains unclear. However, most within the secretive and mysterious annals of the University Chemistry Department believe that the exam was taken by someone not – or no longer – in the class.

“From what I heard,” said sophomore Sundeep Devraj, who, like many other pre-medical students in Organic Chemistry, studies like a freaking dog, “the Orgo Test Guy was someone who planned to drop out of the class but had the test coming up anyway. Thank God, because the curve is completely dependent on the average grade.”

Literary theory graduate student Jane Campbell has offered a more in-depth and deconstructive explanation for the test.

“One can view insanity and madness – which no doubt involves writing Lewis Carroll poetry and ‘ROLFCOPTER’ on a chemistry exam – as a form of protest against an authoritative status quo,” said Campbell. “Reading this freaking weird exam as a quasi-hysterical, albeit hilarious, text that argues against the everyday pressures of Wash. U. pre-med student, we can readily see that any attempt, especially by an academic institution, to establish hierarchies of grades, or ‘grades,’ and to centralize identity and competence around a norm that is the mean, or a ‘mean,’ is ethically problematic and, I would argue, oppressive.”

Psychology professor Victoria Clement disagreed with Campbell’s assessment of the Organic Chemistry test.

“It is possible to view such an exam as a form of protest against a restrictive academic institution, and in this case, I agree,” said Clement. “However, in this case, it is more of a reaction stemming from the student’s conflicting desires to both reconcile himself and reject a class which no doubt causes him a great degree of a trouble. This whole thing could be interpreted in an infinite number of perspectives. However, most attempts to tease apart any meaning here will probably include a reaction of ‘what the hell?'”

Finally, several chemistry Teaching Assistants have speculated that the infamous Orgo Test Guy is not an isolated incident, as more students may send in completely nonsense exams.

“We have to grade dozens of these exams in less than 24 hours,” explained Teaching Assistant Amanda Aaronson, “so you can imagine how hard it is to grade one freaking hilarious test that makes you laugh so damn hard that you can’t even grade the rest of the tests. Of course, such exams could be indicative of at least one student losing his mind, but in Organic Chemistry, that’s pretty much inevitable.”

For expanded coverage and examples of Orgo Test Guy’s real-life test answers, see Orgo Test Guy: real-life test examples.

New exotic dance group appeals, gains the PAD additional funding

Friday, March 31st, 2006 | Liza Bound
Courtesy of Jim Mourey

Dear Reader: This article appears as part of Student Life’s annual April Fool’s issue. Please don’t think anything in it is true. It’s all made up.

Despite a history of poor funding, things are looking up for Washington University’s Performing Arts Department. This year, in an unprecedented move, Chancellor Wrighton has agreed to allot $6,900 more to the department.

“We’ve never had so much in our budget,” said Helga Smith. “This is a real climax to our years of effort, and we’re excited by the many prospects opened up to us by this new funding.”

“Maybe now they can afford to clothe a few more of their actors,” said Rachael Maudest, a sophomore who says she was shocked by the nudity in productions such as “Hair” and “The Awakening.” “Or at least be more selective of whom they unclothe.”

One of the Performing Arts Department’s (PAD’s) producers noted,”We really only throw nudity into so many of our productions because we never had the funding to clothe all of our actors and actresses.”

The increased budget comes with the inception of a new group within the Performing Arts Department – the Group of Lap Tease, Burlesque, Exotic, Pole, Strip, Contortionist, Exhibitionist, Belly, Interpretive and Provocative (GLTBEPSCEBIP) dancers.

“We hated to leave any forms of dance out, because everything is a form of art that deserves to be represented,” said Esra Fillmore, one of the group’s founders. “And anyway, LGBTIQAA gets so many letters, so we figured we deserved some of the alphabet, too.”

Funding was received in small bills after the troupe made an emotional appeal to a faculty and parents board during their annual meeting.

“We feel it is necessary to support all forms of art,” said board member Lars Heltch, “This seemed like the opportune time to show students in the PAD that we value what they are doing.”

The PAD has set aside a portion of the funds as scholarship money for students seeking to make a living in the provocative dance industry.

“It’s such a wide field out there,” said Allison Irving, one dancer who plans to work as a showgirl in Las Vegas after she graduates. “Having a Wash. U. degree really makes you competitive in the field, and with the scholarship money I can get a head start on my career, since my parents won’t pay for my ticket to Vegas.”

Some Wash. U. students, however, have a bone to pick with the new group, feeling that it encourages women to use their bodies for profit rather than their brains.

“We’ve come so far, fighting for our rights and our right not to be objectified as just sluts with boobs and a vagina,” said a member of Vagina Monologues. “What these dancers are doing is putting women back down as sex objects and slaves of men.”

The troupe, however, insists that it is open to men as well and serves only as an outlet for the creative natures of the students involved.

Some have questioned the timing of the board’s funding approval with the entry of the new dance group into the Wash. U. scene, but parents and faculty alike deny the claims.

“We pride ourselves in being on top of what students are doing here,” said Heltch. “The insertion of this new group into the Performing Arts Department just made us realize that the time had come to grant more funding to this expanding region of student interest.”