
Dear Reader: This article appears as part of Student Life’s annual April Fool’s issue. Please don’t think anything in it is true. It’s all made up.
The South 40 is in shambles and multiple students have been hospitalized after the unsuspected battle that recently transpired on Washington University’s Swamp.
In an unprecedented campus occurrence, Belegarth, the medieval combat society that can be seen many Sunday afternoons playing with foam swords, and ROTC came to blows in an all-out battle on the swamp.
The destruction was great, leaving a gaping hole in Wohl Center, making Beaumont and Rubelmann dorms the equivalent of smoked Swiss cheese, injuring many students and civilians and tearing up some of the carefully planted flowers and shrubbery.
“Well, we were going to tear down Beaumont and Ruby in the near future anyway,” said University construction committee member Stan Wreckin. “This will actually save the students a lot of money, because we were going to raise tuition to cover the demolition and reconstruction of these freshman dorms. We will, however, have to go through and replant and landscape the entire South 40.”
Rubelmann was ablaze for several hours, fed by the massive amounts of alcohol in students’ rooms, whereas such items were not present in Beaumont.
Tensions arose in the early afternoon when cadets of the ROTC marched across the field where Belegarth members were practicing swordplay and shield handling. Nearby students reported harsh words exchanged between the groups. ROTC then appeared to retreat.
Unfortunately, the seemingly resumed peace was broken when a grenade was lobbed across the Ruby/Beaumont tunnel into the midst of the faux-armor clad medieval warriors. ROTC advanced from all sides and Belegarth rushed into the tide of green fatigues.
“There was such noise and ruckus that I thought WUStock had come back,” said one sophomore resident of Park.
Forces collided and the groups seemed equally matched in strength. Unfortunately for ROTC, its guns contain only blanks for training purposes – and so the battle progressed, foam swords against blank-loaded M-16’s.
It appeared that Belegarth was outnumbered and in trouble – no match for the highly trained regiment of cadets – but reinforcement arrived when the trebuchet was rolled out of the subterranean garage under the swing sets (a forgotten prototype of the upcoming garage to be built under the IM fields).
The trebuchet propelled ammunition straight into Wohl, leaving a gaping hole where the grill used to be. Several students were reported looting chicken tenders from the wreckage and carnage.
Wounded students were carted off of the swamp, but many died in transit due to failure to locate Student Health Services. Health Services claims no responsibility in the casualties.
“We wouldn’t have been able to help them anyway,” said nurse Mona Niclosis. “We are only trained to identify pregnancy and mono.”
The trebuchet appeared to be the turning point in the battle, and Belegarth rallied against ROTC for a near-victory until a “cavalry” of WUPD officers were sent in on a massive Segway charge.
While the University maintains that it never suspected such an event, WUPD claims to have had leads that the University ignored.
“We’d heard rumors,” said Chief of Police Don Strom. “We’ve been tapping the phones of certain students and it seemed as if they were planning something, but I never imagined it would be of this magnitude.”
In light of the event, Chancellor Mark S. Wrighton plans to implement a new five-year plan, the Danforth Act, named after former Chancellor Bill Danforth, who has already provided major funding for the project. The Act will allow the administration to tap student and faculty phones and read student mail.
“With all of the recent alcohol-related incidents and questionable sexual acts around campus, and now this rash outbreak of violence, it’s time we got more involved with our students,” said Wrighton.
Students are still reacting to the violence, making it easier for the administration to initiate its new plans undetected.
“[ROTC] had it coming,” said Dharzalo of Madranwl, from Belegarth. “They have never respected our legions and art of ancient fighting.”
ROTC, however, claimed the initial insult was on the side of Belegarth.
“They need to get with the program,” said Cadet Steve Rockton. “Swords are so last couple of centuries ago and they’re just using foam padding and pretending to hack off each other’s limbs.”
Members of both groups involved in the brutal battle are being detained in the WUPD drunk tanks, awaiting judgment from the administration and local authorities.
“I just can’t believe this would happen here,” said one freshman, recovering from the shock. “Now my physics homework is going to be late because it burned up in one of the building fires.”