Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.
After performing for just 22 minutes at the Gargoyle on Friday, pop singer Cascada was tasered 17 times by officers of the Danforth University Police Department (DUPD).
Cascada, whose contract stipulated that she play for at least a half hour, was about to exit the stage after her fifth song when she was seized by five DUPD officers, 11 B&D security personnel and a few disgruntled students.
Chief of Police Dawn Storm says that his force welcomed the opportunity to abuse its power at the concert.
“I guess our official reason for the seizure was her breach of contract, but the truth is that I just really dislike Cascada’s music,” said Storm.
Storm had applied the first five taser shots personally.
“I mean, come on, every song sounds the exact same. I don’t know how anyone who isn’t on ecstasy could listen to this hogwash. When we saw that the crowd was angry, we just took out our stun guns and rolled with it,” he said.
Students did not seem to mind DUPD’s action, and some even cheered after Cascada was taken down.
“She was asking for it,” said Sarah Goldberg.
Goldberg had waited for three hours in the rain and ditched a test to see the concert.
“Frankly, I’d like to see more of this kind of retribution in the future. If George Clinton doesn’t deliver, I plan on P-Funking him myself,” she said.