Werner Von BraunEditor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.
In an attempt to alleviate the pressure on campus housing caused by growing enrollment, the Office of Residential Life (ResLife) has decided to enter all students into a Fight Club instead of the traditional lottery system.
Associate Assistant Deputy Vice Chancellor of Residential Life Jim Paulson says he hopes the plan will be a better alternative than the current system.
“We could have kept the lottery system in place since there was really nothing wrong with it, but this is just a lot more fun for everyone,” said Paulson.
Several students and parents have expressed concern over the danger posed to students, but ResLife says it should not be a problem.
“It’ll be fine…we make everyone buy health insurance, we might as well use it,” said Paulson.
Some students are happy with the new plan, because it gives them a better chance of getting the housing they want.
“I never would have gotten into a good dorm with the lottery number I have. This way, all I have to do is beat on a few sissies,” said six-foot-nine-inch sophomore Gary Stewart.
Fights are judged by ResLife staff and winners of fights improve their overall ranking and eventually make their selections. Fights take place at various locations around the South 40 and the Danforth Campus, such as the engineering machine shop, the roof of Brookings and the basement of Sigma Alpha Epsilon. Very few rules govern what participants are allowed to do during the fights.
“They really have a lot of room to be creative. That’s what we like to encourage here at the University. This is just one part of that effort. I’ve seen the students try just about everything to win these things. The competitive spirit is a great way to bring all of the students together,” said Paulson.