Student Life Archives

Werner Von Braun

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

In an attempt to alleviate the pressure on campus housing caused by growing enrollment, the Office of Residential Life (ResLife) has decided to enter all students into a Fight Club instead of the traditional lottery system.

Associate Assistant Deputy Vice Chancellor of Residential Life Jim Paulson says he hopes the plan will be a better alternative than the current system.

“We could have kept the lottery system in place since there was really nothing wrong with it, but this is just a lot more fun for everyone,” said Paulson.

Several students and parents have expressed concern over the danger posed to students, but ResLife says it should not be a problem.

“It’ll be fine…we make everyone buy health insurance, we might as well use it,” said Paulson.

Some students are happy with the new plan, because it gives them a better chance of getting the housing they want.

“I never would have gotten into a good dorm with the lottery number I have. This way, all I have to do is beat on a few sissies,” said six-foot-nine-inch sophomore Gary Stewart.

Fights are judged by ResLife staff and winners of fights improve their overall ranking and eventually make their selections. Fights take place at various locations around the South 40 and the Danforth Campus, such as the engineering machine shop, the roof of Brookings and the basement of Sigma Alpha Epsilon. Very few rules govern what participants are allowed to do during the fights.

“They really have a lot of room to be creative. That’s what we like to encourage here at the University. This is just one part of that effort. I’ve seen the students try just about everything to win these things. The competitive spirit is a great way to bring all of the students together,” said Paulson.

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

After performing for just 22 minutes at the Gargoyle on Friday, pop singer Cascada was tasered 17 times by officers of the Danforth University Police Department (DUPD).

Cascada, whose contract stipulated that she play for at least a half hour, was about to exit the stage after her fifth song when she was seized by five DUPD officers, 11 B&D security personnel and a few disgruntled students.

Chief of Police Dawn Storm says that his force welcomed the opportunity to abuse its power at the concert.

“I guess our official reason for the seizure was her breach of contract, but the truth is that I just really dislike Cascada’s music,” said Storm.

Storm had applied the first five taser shots personally.

“I mean, come on, every song sounds the exact same. I don’t know how anyone who isn’t on ecstasy could listen to this hogwash. When we saw that the crowd was angry, we just took out our stun guns and rolled with it,” he said.

Students did not seem to mind DUPD’s action, and some even cheered after Cascada was taken down.

“She was asking for it,” said Sarah Goldberg.

Goldberg had waited for three hours in the rain and ditched a test to see the concert.

“Frankly, I’d like to see more of this kind of retribution in the future. If George Clinton doesn’t deliver, I plan on P-Funking him myself,” she said.

Scott Bressler

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.