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Richard Feynman, Pacman Jones and Dennis Rodman-all great men, all leaders in their respective fields. All frequent strip club patrons.

Coincidence? I think not.

Strip clubs are, as defined by noted social commentator Chris Rock, “a place for all the married men of America.” As a demographic with a decent amount of discretionary income, these men are the driving economic force behind the $5 billion strip club industry. This capital is concentrated in relatively few hands: A mid-sized club can generate $15,000-$20,000 in revenue on a Saturday night, and a stripper with an absolute advantage can earn nearly $1,000 in a night.

But how are these lucrative businesses structured? How equitable is the distribution of wealth? What is the marginal utility of an additional hour on the pole? Economists were dying to know, and as my capstone experience I elected to conduct a microeconomic positive analysis of the strip club industry.

What I discovered was a startlingly efficient business model revolving around independent contractors-the strippers. In contrast to regular employees, strippers retain more control over hours worked, jobs accepted and the quality of their performance. Cinnamon, a dancer at a local gentlemen’s club, gave me some hard data about strippers’ tax requirements.

“As independent contractors we’re required to fill out 1099-MISCs,” she said. “The paperwork’s a breeze and we can deduct any work-related expenses, like tear-away pants and 8-inch glass heels.”

Because the clubs provide the stage area and any private rooms utilized, many require payment from strippers at the onset of the evening. The strippers, in turn, keep any and all tips. The initial direction of the cash flow sheds light on two elementary paradoxes evident in all strip clubs.

1) The ugly stripper paradox. The club has an incentive to get as many dancers on the stage as possible, as a part of their revenue is directly proportional to the number of strippers stripping. Naturally, there is a scarcity of attractive women, ergo, ugly strippers. However, while the invisible hand of the market economy fills attractive strippers’ g-strings with singles, it tends to gently usher ugly strippers offstage. The remaining ugly strippers are a product of asymmetrical information. There is a finite time most men have at a strip club, so they might settle for a less attractive stripper if they don’t know a more attractive one is just a few songs away.

2) The over-enthusiastic stripper paradox. We’ve all seen them-dedicated strippers who literally work their pants off for any dollar they can get. What’s driving these women, in addition to professional pride, is the expense of working. If the stripper makes a $30 payment at the beginning of the night, then most of her first hour would be spent just getting back into the green.

Rational people respond to incentives, so having strippers start their shift with a deficit gives them strong encouragement to dance the night away. This effect is magnified for average-looking strippers, who don’t garner as much in tips, and over-enthusiastic strippers tend to be average-looking.

Clubs also draw revenue from cover charges and the sale of complementary goods such as alcohol and cigars. Though the clubs’ independent-contractor relationship with their strippers somewhat limits their legal liability, in most cases, clubs hire bouncers to maintain a positive working environment. Bouncers are paid at a flat, hourly rate, and in some cases the strippers are also required to tip them at the end of the shift.

Demand for strip clubs seems fairly inelastic, as moves by the states of Texas and Nevada to tax strip clubs (sometimes by 25-30 percent) have been met with little industry resistance (this also indicates that strip club tax rates are currently on the upward-sloping side of the Laffer curve). The customer’s relative purchasing power also has little effect on strip club attendance-the wealthy visit just as often as the poor. However, price discrimination (usually having a weekday college or trucker night) is often utilized to increase market penetration and increase consumer surplus. Ultimately, though, strip clubs market luxury goods; holistically these facts suggest a kinked demand curve.

Although this article provides a solid introduction to the economic workings of the strip club industry, its length means it cannot begin to reflect all the conclusions I’ve made in my hours of (rather expensive) fieldwork, and by no means should it be taken as the 21st century’s first definitive work on stripper economics.

Rather, this article was meant merely to arouse interest in the subject and provide a springboard for future studies. Important questions clearly remain: How slim is the profit margin of a club that opens at noon on a Monday? Would Washington University benefit from adopting the independent contractor business model? What are the effects of strip clubs on substitute goods such as meaningful relationships and pornography? If nothing else, it would probably do everyone good to consider the trade-offs of taking it off.

One-night stands can be some of the most interesting and freeing sexual experiences of all. You can be more forthright and demanding about your desires. As long as you know you can enjoy physical pleasure without a long-term commitment to somebody, there ought to be no shame in enjoying one-night stands with like-minded people-as long as you follow a few basic ground rules in order to protect yourself.

The first rule of a one-night stand is to look out for your own safety. This holds true whether you have met someone for the first time or you’re being sexual for the first time with an acquaintance. Before going anywhere alone with them, talk to them in public for long enough to get a read on them. It’s not a perfect barometer, but you need to make sure you feel comfortable with this person out of the bedroom before you try anything in the bedroom. Also, keep a cell phone with you and tell friends where you will be. Whether you are bringing a partner home or going to another person’s place, if anything goes wrong, you can call a friend or even the authorities if you need help getting out of a problematic situation. The odds are you won’t need to do this, but there is always some chance.

The second rule of a one-night stand: always use protection. It doesn’t matter if the other person claims that sex will feel better without it, or claims that you can trust them. You don’t want to get pregnant from a one-night stand, and you don’t want to get a sexually transmitted disease. There is always some risk of pregnancy if you’re having heterosexual sex. There is always some risk of an STD no matter what you are doing-oral, vaginal, anal or even playing with someone else’s sex toys. But, you need to do whatever you can to minimize the risks. Always use a condom to cover penises or sex toys, and use a dental dam for oral sex on a female. These safer sex practices are always good to keep in mind, but they are especially desirable for one-night stands to avoid lingering effects.

The third rule for a good one-night stand is to make your intentions clear. You know what your own intentions are, and you ought to know enough not to seek out a one-night stand unless you know you have the ability to live in the moment and not demand a long-term relationship afterwards. But, you can’t always be sure about the other person. So, before you go anywhere with them, tell them that you do not intend for it to happen more than once, and ask if they are OK with that. Do this out of respect for the other person, to give them the chance to back out if they do not agree with your terms.

You also need to do this to ease your own mind. If the other person later says they want to see you again, you leave yourself in the best possible position to remove yourself from the situation or to go with this new possibility. If you want to stick to your original intention for it to be a one-night stand, you can decline and honestly respond that they knew that you only wanted it to happen once.

If you keep these few things in mind when and if you decide to have a one-night stand, it will be a lot more fun for you. The more you do to protect yourself physically and emotionally, the more energy you’ll have left to focus on your sexual enjoyment.

Remember that huge crush you had on that cute kid in your seventh grade pre-algebra class? You daydreamed in class about how you’d totally go to first base with him after your parents dropped you off at the movies. Maybe even second base if you were one of those girls.

Oh yes, the bases certainly do bring back fond memories of when any sexual encounter could be summed up in a simple, baseball-inspired response to the question, “How far did you go?” And while the bases were a way to discuss our young sex lives in a sort of secret code, they were also a system of checkpoints in the natural progression of a sexual relationship.

By junior year in high school, our fondness for the bases had diminished, and the terminology had completely disappeared by the time we arrived at Wash. U.

Now we use “hooking up,” generally defined as anything from kissing to sex, in order to obscure the dirty details.

So what about the system of checkpoints? It’s pretty obvious that things have changed since seventh grade at the movies. If the majority of girls are expected to give head during the first hook-up, does that mean giving head is the new “first base?”

Despite what you may be thinking, this does not appear to be the case. At most, the traditional first and second bases (that is, making out and feeling up) seem to have been combined into one, and blow jobs are the new hand jobs.

But as for a general campus mentality on hooking up, most students choose to set their own standards.

Junior Whitney Button explains, “What’s more important than defining what is appropriate and inappropriate is making sure that you are comfortable with what you’re doing and you feel safe. It’s just something you need to judge for yourself.”

Most students agree that the promiscuous hook-up culture is far more popular among underclassmen, but that does not necessarily determine what comprises the sexual experiences. The possibility of dating, however, does often change how the relationship progresses.

Pat Fahey, a sophomore currently in a relationship, says that he likes to, “take things at a much slower pace if [he] thinks it might lead to a relationship.” Fahey also noted that many of his friends have also chosen to “settle down” this year and take it slowly.

Making your own decisions dependent upon the situation is considered to be far more fashionable than pre-designating certain acts as necessary or taboo.

“I think people should accept the fact that as human beings, our natural instincts are to have sex,” explains senior Laelle Busch. “People will do with that as they please and shouldn’t be judged one way or the other-active or inactive.”

So the next time you run into that hottie from Calc II subsection and agree to go back to his room, there’s no need to turn it into a play-by-play of the other night’s Cardinals game. But if you feel like you’re ready to make it to home plate, make sure he’s wearing a glove.

I’m sure a lot of you have seen the episode of “Family Guy” that involves Meg having “ear sex.” That’s right-an expression of love involving the insertion of the male sex organ into his partner’s ear. This episode was particularly hilarious, since it addressed the issues couples face when they decide why, when and how to have sexual relationships.

Of course, people can have sex (or ear sex, or oral sex or abstinent relationships) for many reasons. Clearly it’s important to consider not only your own but also your partner’s personal desires, moral beliefs, religious interests and comfort level in the relationship. If there’s anything that one person isn’t ready for, it shouldn’t be done. If a long-term relationship is what you’re looking for, make sure your partner’s in it for the long haul too; if you just want someone to snatch up for the night and return in the morning, make sure he or she is also looking for that from you.

Also, there’s still some controversy over what actually counts as “sex.” Some say it’s only vaginal intercourse; others say virginity is lost when oral sex occurs. I say it’s about the way what you’re doing makes you feel. If sex is pure fun to you, just remember that to someone else it may be the ultimate expression of love, and to someone else it may be what consummates a marriage. (These can all overlap, obviously.)

If you get the same emotional connection or pleasure out of oral sex, that’s great too. Or if ear sex is what fl oats your boat, rock on and lose your ear virginity.

Short- and long-term physical relationships take a lot of trust, thought, discussion and experimentation; so does love. There are countless ways for couples to express devotion and care in physical and nonphysical ways. You can write notes to each other, cuddle up and watch a movie, get a little playful in bed or, like Meg and her boyfriend, get a little creative. As long as you know what messages you’re sending and you are ready to take on the delights and challenges you’ll encounter, you’re all set to give and receive great feelings.

These were more or less (read: a little bit) like the ideas found in the “Family Guy” episode. Meg made decisions and discoveries about love, “real” sex and ear sex, although it only took her 23 minutes or so. Our lives are so full of possibilities for interpersonal emotions, symbolism and physicality that sometimes it’s hard to remember that we’ve got to be introspective to know how to handle it all. Through that introspection, love yourself and know yourself. Give what you want to give; don’t let anything be taken away from you.

As you find, keep or even end relationships, keep a level head. Remember the people who’ve been there all along, remember the good times in all of your relationships, and love, in different ways, as many people as you can. If you choose to have what Borat calls “sexy time,” be safe, careful and confident. And the next time you run into someone from Wash. U.’s a cappella group More Fools than Wise, let them do what they do best-“giving it to ya in the earhole.”