EDITOR’S NOTE: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.
Dear Editor:
From one award-winning journalist to another, I would just like to say: wow, you guys rock. You are consistently one of the best news sources in this great land of ours; the public service you render unto the community is incalculable.
Last week, when you showed us how NIH funding cuts could hurt the University’s medical research programs, I was in awe. I mean, who else would see that connection except StudLife? Then, later that week you dropped ANOTHER bombshell on us: MetroLink usage is up! You guys must really burn the midnight oil. That one must have really lit a fire under the administration’s tuckus.
Student Life, you are a pillar of journalistic integrity and clearly you are the scribes of the gods. Kudos, Student Life. You are living proof of the power of the written word.
-Rob Woodward
The Washington Post
Man of your dreams responds
Dear Editor:
I am writing to respond to a personal ad you published in your newspaper a few weeks ago. I clipped it out but then I lost it. I was hoping you could send this letter to the purchaser of the ad.
Single white female seeking independent man, I am the guy of your dreams. My name is Mark; I’m 37, kind of tall and properly filled out. I too love Mork and Mindy, bird watching and bondage! I never married and I sublet from a close family member. I understand what it’s like trying to get back on your feet after some rough times. After the court made me notify the entire neighborhood that I had a special past, no one associated with me for months. I know you’re twice my age but I won’t say anything about your wrinkles if you don’t say anything about mine.
Richard Gere ain’t got nothing on me.
-Mark S.
I Ozomatli-ed all over your mom
Dear Editor:
I have a few responses to some of the articles you published last week.
Re: “Better parking would improve Health Services”: Better parking would improve your mom’s services.
Re: “Sagartz, Kressel shine in doubleheader split”: I gave your mom a doubleheader split.
Re: “Bears kick off season with win at Mini Meet”: I kicked your mom’s season off with my mini-meat.
Re: “MetroLink usage exceeds expectations”: Your mom’s uses exceed my expectations.
Re: “Police Beat”: The police beat your mom.
Re: “Voice from abroad”: I heard a voice from your mom, “Oh Yes!”
Re: “Sophomore Slump”: Your mom slumped over this sophomore.
Re: “Ozomatli: Don’t Mess with the Dragon”: Your mom messed with my dragon and got some ozomatli all over her face.
Re: “Senate Democrats to push for larger Pell Grants”: My democrat gave your mom a push.
Re: “Johns Hopkins: We’ll take you down”: Your mom hopped on my john and I took her down.
Re: “The ins and outs of the crowd”: I crowded your mom’s ins and outs.
Re: “The bubble has popped”: Too easy. (Your mom’s too easy.)
Good day, sirs and madams.
-Tucker Max
Israeli-Palestinian Conflict muffins for peace
Dear Editor:
In an ongoing effort to promote campus dialogue about political tensions in the Middle East, Students for a Peaceful Palestinian Israeli Future call on Bon App‚tit to stand up for peace, cooperation and a positive tomorrow. To this end, we would like to see Hilltop Bakery, Whispers Caf‚ and all other pastry-serving locations offer Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Muffins.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. If our campus starts each day with an important and delicious message of tolerance and peace, we can make a difference in this world.
Bon App‚tit, Washington University, we call on you to trade in your political leanings for muffins, and together we can bring peace to the Middle East. A muffin a day keeps the suicide bombers and armored bulldozers away.
-Ari Herman Rosenbladt
Students for a Peaceful Palestinian Israeli Future