Scott Bressler

Hey, typical Wash. U. student: Are you nonplussed about your body image? Depressed that your looks may range somewhere between sub-par and frumpy? Well, “The Insider’s Guide to Colleges” says that Wash. U. undergraduates call themselves a “moderate to very attractive student body.”

Oh, my, it seems you’re all in denial. Well, that’s simply not healthy at all.

But for those of you who have faced the truth, you homely realists, all is not lost. You may be thinking to yourself, “I have jowls, unsightly sweating patterns and a rigid hunch like a diving board. I would never have a chance with my favorite celebrity.” Well, this is all very true. But hold on there, funny Valentine; that doesn’t mean every celebrity is off limits. I mean, you’ve got some redeeming qualities. You’re unbeatable at Halo, you have an impressive ensemble of North Face jackets and your score on the ACTs was in the upper percentiles (though only a few points shy of your BMI).

So, as a guide to bedding that famous beau, here’s a list of the most attainable celebrities around. If you happen to see any of these homely personalities while getting your unibrow styled or picking up a quart of frozen yogurt to down before noon, you are welcome to hit on them without being maced. In fact, you could probably sleep with them by the end of the day on their futon made of residual checks.

The cast of “Sex and the City,” excluding Kristin Davis (the hot brunette)

A secret of the trade: The acting on this show seemed so authentic because it wasn’t acting. The leading men and women were actually used to scoring members of the opposite sex with facial abnormalities. I have always been flummoxed by the drawing power of watching horse-faced, plastic surgery ridden ladies get their jollies, but it does instill some hope that there’s a whole stable of actors out there who would get with anyone who owns an apartment on the upper east side.

Randy Quaid

Randy Quaid, also known as the less-hot Quaid, the poor-man’s Quaid and “not Dennis,” seems like a likable guy. He seems fairly personable. And he seems passably attractive. I would jump on him as soon as Dennis turned me down, just to prove a point.

Christopher Lloyd

The man who brought us the time-traveling Delorean could never be a has-been, but he still can be had. As the wild-haired Doc, the no-haired Uncle Fester and the hat-haired Al in “Angels in the Outfield,” Christopher Lloyd is not just an icon-he’s a dish in any dimension, and with all those hair mishaps, an attainable one. “Great Scott, Marty, let’s take that co-ed Back… to the apartment!”

Jared (Fogle) from Subway, and the Verizon Guy

Your friends will certainly be impressed in hearing you were double teamed by these pillars of advertising. I’d imagine they would approach you at a bar or your local Subway restaurant and the Verizon Guy would ask, “Can you sleep with us now? Good.” Then you’d all go back to Jared’s house and jump in the sack, and, by sack, I mean Jared’s old pants. Jared would ask if you wanted a bite of his foot long. And you’d vow to never call them, which would be simple because Verizon has such shoddy coverage.

The 1.5 men who are not Charlie Sheen on “Two and a Half Men”

Gangly John Cryer and round young Angus T. Jones seem the perfect prey, so overshadowed by their famous counterpart that they might just jump on anything that tosses a bone their way-even a Wash. U. student.

DJ Jazzy Jeff

Even if he insists on doing it “Big Willie Style” and yelling out Tatyana Ali’s name at orgasm, you will get to meet Uncle Phil in the morning when he shows up to collect overdue rent money. “Man, parents just don’t understand I’m in the lowest tax bracket.”

Rick Moranis

I’d let Rick Moranis shrink me and launch me down a plastic ramp in a toy car any day. He could ravage me at the fifty-yard line after sending Icebox and Junior Floyd out for ice cream. Those domineering nerd glasses, combined with his fumbling hands and endearing stutter only make him more sextastic. Best of all, only he knows the specific anatomy of a person two inches tall, and therefore only he can hit all the right buttons.

Sneezy

Yes, yes, I know. “Sneezy?” you say. “I couldn’t get Sneezy if I were Brad Pitt. Hell, Snow White couldn’t even hit that, and she had skin as pale as Marcia Cross.” He may seem out of your league at first, but there’s a simple way to this dwarf’s heart: carry a box of tissues and a miniature bottle of Claritin, and he’ll be like nasal fluid in your hand.

Cookie Monster, The Count

In a similar vein, the Cookie Monster has a well-documented one-track mind. Tuck a package of Chips Ahoy away in your girdle-and they start with C, so they must be good enough for him. If, during coitus, you find yourself slightly left out while he pays special attention to the sweet treat’s chocolate chips, well, you’ll just have to wait. Hopefully the Count is nearby, and you can make sweet puppet love three times. Ah, ah, ah! One! two! three!

Rachel Dratch

Think Tina Fey is secretly hot? Well, secret’s out, because so does everyone else. Trust me, you aren’t the only one who thinks her scar is “actually quite cute.” But she’s really successful right now and out of your league, so go after her more asymmetric companion, Rachel Dratch. Sure, there ain’t nothing like the real thing, but hey, she’s cuter than Rob Schneider?

Tia and Tamara Mowry, Ben Savage, Dave Coulier

I actually saw Tamara Mowry at an all-you-can-eat $6 Thai buffet over the summer. (Yes, I can tell them apart.) Her boyfriend was some overweight, unemployed nobody. And she still looked in pretty good shape. Which made me realize that out-of-work former stars of family shows probably have such low self-esteem now that any schlub with $6 and a mode of transportation could get with them. And you could brag to all your friends that Cory Matthews said your body was sexier than Topanga’s. (Although, so is Seabiscuit’s.) “Hey, did Uncle Joey talk dirty in bed?” “Not really. He did a lot of impressions of Yosemite Sam and Popeye, though.”

Olive Oyl

Speaking of Popeye, if you’re incredibly jacked but have the face of a Doberman Pincher and the complexion of a poorly-played game of Battleship, then here’s your lady. She’ll be impressed by how much iron is in your system and how poorly proportioned you are. Just make sure to keep it gentle, she’s fragile and malnourished.

Graphic novelist Alan Moore may be most famous for “V for Vendetta” and “Watchmen” but neither offers the sex appeal of his racy graphic novel, “Lost Girls.” He takes a down and dirty approach to some of children’s literature’s most beloved characters and in a way that catapults him from the depths of naughty fan fiction into the world of published art.

The graphic novel tells the tale of three middle-aged women meeting at an European hotel. Each woman, Wendy, Dorothy and Alice, confides in the others about the strange nature of their sexual awakenings as children. Each had made up a fantasy-land that helped them confront their complex emotional states.

As a child, Wendy met a boy named Peter in the park and he and his other homeless friends expose her to the wonders of sex. She later confronts a man with a crippled hand that appears very hook-like, whose actions both turn her on and scare her.

Dorothy’s story is that of a sex-fueled girl from Kansas. Her sexual awakening begins when she is caught in a tornado and begins to masturbate (it makes more sense in context). After the tornado has settled, she takes it upon herself to have sex with every man who works on her farm.

Alice’s story is the most believable of all. When she is still a child a twitchy family friend called Bunny sexually assaults Alice. During the act, she imagines herself looking in a mirror watching another version of herself. This detachment from reality is surprisingly naturalistic, and nicely ties into the fairy tale we all know so well. As you may have guessed, these are not wholly original characters. Moore has taken these children’s stories that are all so universally known and suggests a sexual explanation for the obvious metaphors about growing up. How do the Queen of Hearts, Tweedledee and Tweedledum, the Lost Boys, the Tin Man and the Scarecrow fit in? The answer is simple: in sexy, sexy ways.

Gaining wide publicity not only for issues with copyright infringement but also with the wide variety of paraphilias-from zoophilia to katoptronophilia (paraphilia for mirrors)-“Lost Girls” is worth reading if only for the controversial elements.

But it offers a lot more than that. Each woman must deal with evolving sexuality and their past, which all have kept secret until they meet each other.

The most controversial aspect of “Lost Girls” is the depiction of minors having sex. Legally, the decision was made that if no children were harmed or used in the production, then it cannot be child pornography. Oddly, Moore addresses this concern head on in chapter 22 when characters read a book that illustrates incestuous sex. One character exclaims, “And then children: how outrageous! How old can they be?” The response is, “Eleven? Twelve? It is quite monstrous except that they are fictions, as old as the page they appear upon, no less, no more. Fact and fiction: only madmen and magistrates cannot discriminate between them.”

Moore confronts the issue of depicting children in sexual situations directly by having his characters moralize the very issue he knows will face his own book on release. He goes on to take a little meta-fictional jab at the issue by having the same character make this confession in the next panel. “And since Helena, who I just f***ed, is only thirteen, I am very guilty.” Moore uses humor to address and then dismiss what is a very serious concern.

Overall, the issue of illustrated child pornography is inexorably linked with this graphic novel. More attention should be given to the way Moore weaves together well-known fairy tales with the ‘real life events’ which caused the girls to make up the stories. The girls’ first sexual experiences were in many ways scarring and so they transformed them into elaborate stories.

“Lost Girls” offers one of the best graphic novel authors working in the genre of erotica withut sacrificing his tendencies towards metaphor and allusion.