Student Life Archives

Web Master

To the reader: This article originally appeared in Student Life’s annual April Fools’ issue. Please don’t take anything in it as fact. We made it all up.

Picture this. In your time off from shifts at the power company, you put your unique talents of craftsmanship to work by constructing a super-charged, remote-controlled lawn mower. Your girlfriend tries to put in a good word for you with her father, by demonstrating the grass-munching beast at his birthday party; only the contraption goes haywire, and gives her the cheese-grater treatment. At this point any normal person would probably become a bit despondent, but director Frank Henenlotter’s Frankenhooker is no normal movie, and lead Jeffrey Franken (James Lorinz) is certainly no normal New Jersey Electric Company employee. While understandably “antisocial and becoming seriously amoral” from the mowing mishap, Jeffrey also happens to be an amateur “bio-electrical technician,” whose best cure for a migraine is a power drill inserted into the offending region of the brain. His mother wanted him to be a surgeon, but what does she know?
A huge deep-freezer filled to the brim with purple Slurpy keeps the orphaned head of girlfriend Elizabeth (Patti Mullen) on standby (sorta like Zip-Lock for body parts), while Jeffrey resolves to rebuild the pieces shredded by the mower. But he needs to work quickly, since he could miss the thunderstorm coming up that will be “good enough for mad scientists.” So where can Jeffery find the body parts quick? Why, just across the river in Times Square, where the girls sell their body at every imaginable price. Armed with Christmas money and a big jar of “Super-Crack” to seduce the hookers (the crystals are golf ball-sized), Jeremy soon finds himself in a large hotel room in ample hired company. But naturally, Jeffrey himself has little to offer the prosties, and their interest focuses instead on the jar of “Super-Crack.” Of course, this being “Super-Crack,” Jeffrey soon finds himself in the midst of the largest pyro-technics/flying body parts display Hollywood magic can offer, allowing him to pick and choose building blocks for his new patchwork girlfriend.
Glue and an arc welder assist in the assembly phase of the Erector-Set Elizabeth (with matching breasts apparently requiring too much effort for Jeffrey to muster), and the aforementioned lightning storm provides the initial jump-start. Unfortunately, pesky ole’ Mother Nature (who’s ALWAYS meddling in human affairs, darn her), doesn’t give Jeffrey the satisfaction of a heartfelt reunion, because his creation instead takes on the aggregate personas of its constituent bimbos, becoming Frankenhooker. Although this unholy creation doesn’t throw a cute little girl in a pond to make ripples, she does blow off her geeky boyfriend so she can go out and work the streets like never before. And then never again for the two clients who spontaneously explode during their sessions with her. Jeffrey does eventually reunite with his long-lost Elizabeth, but is soon himself the victim of massive dismemberment when the pimp responsible for all the prostitutes Jeffrey liquidated shows up. Of course, having already demonstrated how to reassemble loose body parts to house orphaned heads, Jeffrey is soon restored to life. But not quite to the state he was before, since his purple Slurpy preservative only works on female body parts. Luckily for him, Elizabeth is very understanding.
Frankenhooker harkens back to the Good Old Days, when offending sensibilities of others was hardly a concern for moviemakers. Feminists, religious groups, parents of young children, school teachers-all just had to quit their whining while auteurs like Henenlotter plied their trade. And whatever Frankenhooker happens to lack in taste, Henenlotter compensated with volume: 11 explosions, 2 power-drill trepanations, 13 dead bodies, and upwards of 30 gratuitous breast shots. Considering that Henelotter also filmed this in parallel with Basket Case II, Frankenhooker is truly a marvel of black-comedies/splatter-thrillers everywhere. Pester your local video store owner incessantly until he finally caves and orders a copy for you.

*****

Web Master

To the reader: This article originally appeared in Student Life’s annual April Fools’ issue. Please don’t take anything in it as fact. We made it all up.

Friends, family and former co-workers of one-time Student Libel sports editor Andruw Shattner are
fearing the worst.
In early January, Shattner disavowed the humble trappings of his established St. Louis life for the call of the bawdy temptress that is the city of New Orleans.
But his St. Louis connections are now having to face the very frightening reality that not only did Shattner not make it down in time for Mardi Gras, but it seems he hasn’t made it down to New Orleans at all.
The sequence of events leading to the unexplained disappearance begins
perhaps with a December dismissal from his St. Louis employer, the Internet company River Quest. Left unemployed and penniless, Shattner scanned the
dismal future for any bright spot that might have pierced the horizon.
Though he “had several things cooking” in St. Louis, his reasons for venturing to New Orleans amounted to a much more enticing, hot and spicy jumbalaya. A friend at Tulane had said Shattner could come and live with him. A job at an investment firm was included in the deal. “Hey, I figure, there are lots of worse things I could be doing,” said Shattner back in January as he attempted to mollify the wounded heart of his Gateway City companions. “I mean, for all intensive purposes, this is a great deal. I’ve got a job and a place to live. Plus, if you ever need a place to stay if you come for Mardi Gras, now you know
someone.”
So he began to pack his things up for the ten-hour drive down Interstate 55. He would be in New Orleans, he planned, by February.
“I helped him move out a few days before he left,” said SL sports editor Jake Handle. “He promised me that he’d call me when he got there. When he didn’t, I just figured it was because he didn’t care about me or any of his St. Louis friends anymore.”
Now it appears, that was anything but the case. Indeed, Shattner had moved everything out of his Central West End apartment in anticipation of the big move south. With the lease running out, he had to cram everything into the back of a U-Haul moving van. Yet, because his friend in New Orleans wasn’t quite ready to offer the place to him, he was planning to stay-temporarily-at the ETK fraternity house near the campus of Washington University.
After spending a couple of days in the temporary housing, Shattner planned to get the go-ahead to drive to New Orleans. Members of the ETK fraternity are able to confirm that Shattner indeed got the call and soon took off south.
“I was in the room when his friend from New Orleans called,” said Tommy Jones, one of Shattner’s ETK brothers. The New Orleans friend told Shattner that he was ready for his arrival whenever he was able to make it.
But as sure as the big muddy flows toward the Gulf of Mexico, Shattner never made it to the jazzland. A strange set of circumstances that unfolded since his departure kept authorities from investigating the case until early March.
“I sent him an e-mail about a month ago and never got a response,” said Shattner’s one time co-sports editor, Laurence Taylor. “I just figured he was ignoring me.”
It was Shattner’s family, father Tom and mother Glenda, living in New Mexico that first called out the alarm.
“Well, his friends in New Orleans called a couple of weeks after he was supposed to have gotten there and said, ‘Uh, like where’s Andruw at?’ At the time, we had just gotten back from sailing around the world by boat. We had no way of knowing.”
When Shattner’s family learned that he hadn’t arrived in New Orleans, they wanted to think that it was a matter of him simply finding a reason to stay in St. Louis. But because he had already left his permanent residence in St. Louis, they had no way of reaching him. Amazing as it is, he didn’t even have a cell phone.
For the time being, then, Shattner remains missing.
“These kinds of things usually have a way of working themselves out,” said Sergeant Bill Books, the officer working the case on the St. Louis end. “I mean, worst comes to worst, I’ve got to go down to New Orleans and find this guy. It is Mardi Gras down there right now isn’t it? What! I missed it? Well, like I said usually these things have a way of working themselves out. My guess is he was hooked on drugs and just wanted to vanish. Someone will find him.”
Reports from his peers in the St. Louis area do not seem to jibe with the officer’s assumption.
“Andruw was a clean kid,” said Handle. “I mean, he had some laughs, but that was about it. All I can say is, Andruw, if you’re reading this, drop me an email or something man. Hey, how ’bout them Cardinals?”
The U-Haul moving and storage company said they have not recovered the truck that Shattner rented from the company in January. “Yeah, he checked out a mid-sizer, but we ain’t seen hide nor hare of it since. We figure he just stole it.”

Web Master

To the reader: This article originally appeared in Student Life’s annual April Fools’ issue. Please don’t take anything in it as fact. We made it all up.

In a move that came as a surprise to the entire campus population, James McLeod, Dean of the College of Arts and Sciences, changed an institution “as important and timeless as the university itself.”
Citing the fact that he hasn’t felt a cool breeze on his bare scalp in over 30 years, Dean McLeod cut his afro and shaved his head for the first time since the lovefests of ’69.
“I was some kind of stud then, bald head and all. Women used to come up to me and massage my head, saying ‘Hey Jim, where you been all my life?’ but that doesn’t happen any more. I miss that.”
When asked about how his wife would respond to the impetus for his hair cut, McLeod responded, “she just assumed it was some kind of mid-life crisis.”
“My role in the university will go unaffected by this move, so I hope that the students will not incite violence or do anything that is rash. I urge everyone to stay calm and embrace this change as a progressive act of an ostensibly liberal institution,” continued McLeod.
Despite the pleas, many students and administrators were nonetheless visibly shaken up by the events that have transpired. “I just don’t understand. It was the most perfect afro, how could anyone want to cut it?” questioned Sarah Graham, one time a McLeod advisee.
“Culminating a nearly flawless career was this magnificent piece of work that functionally doubled as hair, but now it’s gone,” added Michelle Purdy, Student Union President.
The sentiment seemed to be the same amongst administrative colleagues. Jill Carnaghi, the plain-spoken vice chancellor for students and director of campus life, said “phenomena like this happen once a lifetime. I am sad to see it go.” Perhaps merely in an attempt to “get off a few hours of work and party like rock stars,” sources also say that the offices surrounding McLeod’s in South Brookings 205 had a farewell party to the saved bag of hair.
It is unknown what will become of this hair, but the reverence of it in the community “merits immortalization by a university forever indebted to the work of Dean McLeod” commented Chancellor Wrighton. He added that possible plans included placing the hair in an urn that will reside on the mantle of the fireplace in Holmes Lounge, and also using new engineering techniques to create an afro wig for future Diwali performances.

To the reader: This article originally appeared in Student Life’s annual April Fools’ issue. Please don’t take anything in it as fact. We made it all up.

To provide for the needs of the incoming largest freshman class ever at WU, Residential Life has instituted a new policy allowing couples to share a room together. The theory behind the new policy is that if a pair lives together in a single room, the number of empty rooms on the Forty decreases because those beds normally vacated by co-habitators could be filled.
“I know so many people who do not sleep in their beds at night, it’s such a waste,” said Marky Mark. “Single beds in college are made extra long, they’re bigger than a normal bed and two people can fit into one comfortably. This would also allow forced triples in Eliot to be eliminated.”
“Whoa” said one student.
“It’s about time,” said another.
“I think that’s a horrible idea. Why would I want to live with a girl?” said one student in the engineering school.
“I don’t think that plan is fair. I basically have a single for the price of a double. I don’t want to have a roommate who actually lives in my room,” said another student.
Cohabitating couples will be able to pay a reduced rate for singles that will be comparable to the cost of living in a double. However, because housing is planned to be full, it will not be easy for one roommate to move out, unless two people living in coupled or uncoupled housing want to negotiate an agreement.
Couples will still be required to attend floor meetings, and abide by rules regarding noise violations.
Chancellor Mark Wrighton has endorsed the policy, given that he is now following it himself, and said that this will have no effect upon the endowment to WU and it will not cause the creation of any new departments on campus. Tuition, however, will have to be raised as a result of the change in housing.
As to whether or not this policy will mean that WU will continue to accept more freshmen every year, Wrighton assured that the administration is working to keep that number steady.
“The number of applicants accepting our offer increases every year, not only because there are more bright students but also because they’ve heard of WU and how beautiful our campus is and how much like Harvard we are and how we’re on just as high of a level as Harvard academically.
Student Union members who worked on a proposal for the policy called it “proactive.”
The coupled housing process will be the 15th step in the new housing process. There will be an additional lottery number assigned to this process, and the couple will have their numbers averaged to determine their chances of getting into coupled housing.
Jill Carnaghi was asked to answer the question, “but what if these couples living together break up?”
“The university does not get itself involved in students’ social lives, so what they do in their own rooms is their own business,” she said. “Students sign binding contracts with the university to live where they say they will for an entire year. We expect them to stick to those contracts.”
Overall, students on the Forty enjoyed the possibility, but Fraternity members told a different story.
“Why do we need coed housing? I have girls in my room every night,” said one.

Web Master

To the reader: This article originally appeared in Student Life’s annual April Fools’ issue. Please don’t take anything in it as fact. We made it all up.

Students concerned and curious about the construction by Graham Chapel can now breathe a sigh of relief: a giant bunny rabbit is coming to campus.
The week before spring break, the Board of Dudes called an emergency meeting upon realizing that WU’s campus is severely lacking in statues of reverence of unimportant people and/or stuff/things.
“My wife and I happened to be in Boston for a few days, and while walking awound Harvard, I noticed that they had a monument honowing Mickey Mouse,” said John McDonnell, head of the Dudes. “And I thought, well hey now, what a gweat idea! I’m a gonna get me one of those there things!”
WU administrators considered many statues to place in the currently under-construction location. After long, heated debates in the emergency Board of Dudes meeting last month, Dudes reached the consensus that a rabbit would be best suitable for the location.
“We feel that the wabbit is symbolic of WU as a whole,” said Chancellor
Mark Wrighton. “Plus, my wife weally likes wabbits a whole whole bunch.”
Wrighton said other suggestions included statues of Yogi Bear, Superman, Ronald McDonald and Wrighton himself. Dude Sam Fox noted that Superman was the Board’s first choice, but an irreconcilable disagreement forced the members to revote.
“The Dudes were caught in a 50/50 deadlock over whether the statue should be Superman in his weal form, or as his pseudo-identity, Clark Kent,” said Smith. “After 4 hours of debate, we finally agreed not to agree and to move on.
The rabbit, designed by W. T. Pooh and sculpted by E. Fudd, is a towering bronze monument known simply as “That Silly Wabbit.” Standing in at 13-feet, 3 inches, the statue was originally designed for a children’s museum in Yugoslavia. However, when funding fell through for the $11 million bunny rabbit, the children’s museum auctioned off the statue to the highest bidder.
WU bid against other children’s museums and a children’s hospital and ended on top. After paying nearly $18 million for the statue from the university’s endowment, some began to question the Dudes’ decision.
“If they’re going to spend the money, dude, like build something useful or
whatever, like a building, or a huge bong,” said one stoner. “Wow, I’m weally hungry.”
“I think it’ll be sooooo cute! It will make me so happy walking to class
everyday and being gweeted by a smiling happy bunny wabbit!” said Kappa Kappa
Gamma president Rachel Keebler.
The funding for the rabbit, though initially paid for from the university’s endowment, will eventually be covered by yearly donations from the St. Louis chapter of the Bunny Wuv organization, a group dedicated to the preservation, conservation, and all around love of bunny rabbits everywhere. The $18 million will be returned to the university through these donations by the year 2086.

To the reader: This article originally appeared in Student Life’s annual April Fools’ issue. Please don’t take anything in it as fact. We made it all up.

Climbing up the steps towards Brookings Hall, Anne Ellis found the architectural style of the building to be breathtaking. Arriving at Brookings Hall for a tour of Washington University, Ellis, like many prospective students, admired the gothic architecture. However, upon passing Eliot Hall during the tour, Ellis immediately felt that no other building on campus could compare to its beauty.
Last week, the administration conducted a “Pick The Prettiest Building” survey, in which students, faculty, employees, and visitors answered which building they found to be the most attractive and why. After the computing the results of the “Pick The Prettiest Building” survey, WU’s administration found that Ellis was not alone in her thinking. Eliot Hall, home of the political science and economics departments, garnered 82 percent of the votes with Olin Library finishing in second with 10 percent.
“The results of the survey aren’t surprising at all. We have known all along that Eliot is the greatest piece of architecture at WU. The administration overwhelmingly felt that Eliot is the best building, and the survey shows that the student body and faculty also have the same opinion,” said one administrator.
Unlike other hilltop buildings, neither Eliot Hall nor Olin Library was constructed in a gothic style. Eliot Hall, however, is unique amongst the buildings on campus for even Olin has the red granite fa‡ade used for the gothic buildings.
The design for Eliot was the winner of an architecture contest held by WU. Dedicated in 1974, the concrete building stands as a monument to the 1960s and 1970s architecture found across college campuses.
“The 1960s-70s was a turbulent times in which people were rebelling against the traditions of the establishment. The architecture of this period reflects this attitude. Eliot is a prime example of this wonderful period of architecture,” said an architecture professor.
Based on the responses to the survey, many people seemed to be tired of the uniformity of style that the university once esteemed.
“Who wants that old gothic style architecture when you can have modern concrete buildings instead. All the other buildings look the same, but the gleaming gray concrete of Eliot really stands out,” said John Doe, a junior.
Other survey respondents treasured Eliot for they found it to be a window into their past.
“I love to go sit on the concrete outside Eliot and stare at it. Eliot reminds me of my happiest childhood memory: visiting my mom in prison,” said Paul Nobody, a staff member.
It was not only the fa‡ade of Eliot that people preferred, but also the metal statue standing in its courtyard.
“I am a political science major, so I have class in Eliot everyday. Even though I am there all the time, I still take time to admire the masterpiece statue,” said Eileen Smith, a senior.
As a response to the results of the survey, the administration is contemplating a change of WU’s trademark. Brookings Hall has served as WU’s trademark since its construction.
“We are currently setting up a committee to review the university’s use of Brookings Hall as opposed to that of Eliot. I will say, however, that I am weary of putting pictures of Eliot in our mailings to prospective students. I fear that publicizing Eliot would double, maybe even triple the number of applicants we receive each year,” said some other administrator.