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Less than a month after leaving his position as Washington University’s athletic director for ostensibly the same title at the University of Illinois, short-time Bear Joe Quitman was found to have been trapped in a corn maze for the last three weeks.

After years of backlash regarding everything from subpar performers at WILD to bad pizza at Gargoyle concerts, Washington University’s Social Programming Board president Raul Salami made an announcement that surprised no one.

Freshman Arthur Goldberg III, otherwise known as DJ Mad Skillzzzz, recently promised his Rutledge House resident adviser and five Twitter followers that his new mixtape, which will be released via SoundCloud on Sunday, is “fire.”

Social Programming Board announced Wednesday that after intense negotiations, it has reached a compromise regarding the canceled fall 2016WILD and the campus-hosted presidential debate.

Earlier this week, Washington University senior John Smith and freshman Sunset Boulevard engaged in a respectful political debate after Boulevard posted a status update declaring undying support for Bernie Sanders. Smith, a supporter of Donald Trump, commented in response, “shutup let’s make Amrica gr8 again and start winning #Trump 2016.”

It’s that time of the year. Facebook is going crazy with people talking about their college acceptances and decisions. People are trying hard to impress their potential friends and classmates on their official college class groups…and failing.

Sometimes Washington University life gets you down, like when you have 17 midterms in a week and don’t see a single puppy for four whole days. Perhaps this fun story about our University’s Provost Bolden Porth will restore your faith in the Washington University system. They really do care!

After a nearly two-year fight to keep Washington University sports teams in St. Louis, the Bears are moving to Los Angeles. Despite an aggressive effort by city legislators and impassioned appeals by St. Louis sports fans, the Bears turned down the new Gary M. Sumers Recreation Center, which added more than 60,000 square feet compared to the previous Athletics Complex.

The pep band’s cheery renditions of “Don’t Stop Believin’” by Journey echo across the empty stands of Francis field. Cheerleaders toting rubber slingshots launch free swag high into the crisp November air, only to have the T-shirts and towels softly thud off the brown plastic seats unclaimed. When the football team scores a touchdown on a 25-yard strike from Eyethrowinter Ceptions to Jebediah Stonehands on the first drive of the second half, there are no cheers, only the wind as it whistles towards the Mississippi River.