Libel 2016
SPB disbands, suffers potential mental break after years of backlash from unhappy students
After years of backlash regarding everything from subpar performers at WILD to bad pizza at Gargoyle concerts, Washington University’s Social Programming Board president Raul Salami made an announcement that surprised no one.
“We’re just done,” Salami said at the Tisch Commons gathering when students expected to find out this semester’s WILD performer. Though the gathered group expected to hear news of a different sort, Salami’s announcement was met without protest, but rather with shrugs, sad smiles and even a few salutes.
SPB has been the brunt of student frustration since forming a few years ago. Recently, the group came under fire for the role students assumed it played in the canceling of the upcoming fall 2016 WILD due to the presidential debate that will be held on Wash. U.’s campus.
SPB executive member and freshman Sandra Urka mentioned coming under fire among members of her floor community for destroying their one chance to emerge from their study caves and have a good time.
“I thought SPB would be good for my resume,” Urka said. “Instead, my parents are stuck paying thousands of dollars for therapy after I locked myself in my bathroom crying.”
Salami’s announcement follows the now-viral breakdown of fellow SPB executive member Tony Bologna. Bologna snapped at a SPB Happy Hour event when he was yelled at for not having purchased enough Pointer’s Pizza.
“A Pointersaurus is supposed to feed 72 people,” he was filmed sobbing. “How was I supposed to know that meant 72 five-year-olds?”
As of press time, Bologna’s video has been viewed over 2 million times.
Former general body member Sarah Narah had a similar experience after the announcement that SPB’s spring comedy show would involve comedian B.J. Novak.
“You would think a moderately famous comedian who starred on a popular TV show (“The Office”) would make people happy,” Narah complained. “Instead, four of my Facebook friends made paragraph-long statuses about how SPB is biased against female comedians.”
In fact, SPB has lost many members due to stress-related reasons in recent years. Harley Parley, the former film director, transferred out of the film and media studies department to become a biomedical engineering student, “simply to get away from traumatic memories.” When checked in on, he reportedly couldn’t be happier. “It’s just me and my books now,” he said gleefully. “No more people. No more people!” Other members have simply disappeared.
As Salami explained in his speech, for many, enough had just been enough.
“People don’t consider the emotional toll reading ‘go f— yourself, SPB’ takes on a person who invests eight or more hours per week working for the club,” he said. “I’m sorry that, as an organization and as people, we have failed once again. This was clearly the dark outside world that my high school teachers warned me I would find myself in some day.”
Salami has reportedly not been seen since. Student Union is expected to soon follow suit with a similar announcement. SPB’s funds have since been redistributed to the butter-churning club.