WU sports teams reject Sumers Center, move to Los Angeles

Roger Baddell | Scam Kranky's Minion

After a nearly two-year fight to keep Washington University sports teams in St. Louis, the Bears are moving to Los Angeles.

Despite an aggressive effort by city legislators and impassioned appeals by St. Louis sports fans, the Bears turned down the new Gary M. Sumers Recreation Center, which added more than 60,000 square feet compared to the previous Athletics Complex. Instead, the Bears will head to LA in time for the 2016-2017 academic year.

Wash. U. was impressed by Hollywood’s acceptance of bears after a bear won an Oscar for the first time in history this February. The bear beat out heavy favorite Cookie Dough Pistachio in a battle of underrepresented Oscar nominees, a strong sign of social progress in LA.

“We are thrilled to be going to a place with such an inspiring level of animal diversity, where Bears like us can be accepted like any other species. While we appreciate Wash. U.’s continued commitment to increasing animal diversity in St. Louis, we felt that this was a move we had to make,” interim Athletic Director Justa Carousel said in a public statement posted to Bear Sports, the Bears’ sports information website.

Going forward, the Wash. U. football team, recently bought by billionaire Scam Kranky, will join its fellow St. Louis abandoner, the Rams, in the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum until a new stadium, the Winters Center, is completed in Inglewood, Calif. in 2019.

Kranky deemed Francis Field unbefitting of a top-notch Division III team, citing Wash. U.’s refusal to renovate the historic but outdated field, which has not received updates since the World’s Fair and summer Olympics in 1904.

The Wash. U. baseball team, meanwhile, reached an agreement with the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, Calif. to play their home games in Angel Stadium. Head coach Bat Gloom announced that his team would henceforth be named the Washington University in St. Louis-Los Angeles Bears of Anaheim. In addition, the Angels will lend superstar center fielder Strike Out to the Bears on Oct. 3, after the conclusion of their season.

“He’s a fantastic kid, and he deserves to keep playing. We can’t provide him that opportunity, but the Bears can. He’ll definitely add a lot of power to their lineup,” Angels manager Bike Shoeshine said.

Similarly, the Los Angeles Lodgers have contacted the Bears about taking ace starting pitcher Satan Coleslaw off their hands in October, insisting that he would be better off with the Bears.

“It’s a win-win. Coleslaw won’t destroy our hopes in the postseason, and the Bears will get an incredible regular-season pitcher. Plus, he’ll fit right in with a team that can’t handle St. Louis. Everybody wins,” Lodgers owner Tragic Johndaughter said.

The rest of Wash. U.’s sports teams will compete in the Staples Center, which will be renovated as a multifaceted athletic complex. The Los Angeles Bakers and Los Angeles Floppers will move to Seattle in an effort to revive at least one spurned city.

“The Bakers and Floppers have proved an embarrassment to a proud city, winning fewer championships than a hockey team in recent years,” National Basketball Association Commissioner Madame Shiver said. “We hope they will experience a revival in Seattle, where something is certainly better than nothing. Meanwhile, we look forward to the excitement that will surely be generated by a superb Division III program.”

To help students cope with the loss of their sports teams, Social Programming Board booked the All-American Rejects for this year’s spring WILD.

“We want to make every resource available for students to overcome our city’s second rejection this year, and the All-American Rejects are an excellent choice to sympathize with what many students are currently feeling,” SPB said.

Though there is no word on any future plans for the Sumers Center beyond the upcoming presidential debate on Oct. 9, the strong belief is that it will soon become the Monster Jam capital of the world.

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