Junior Kach Zram, former editor-in-chief of Student Life, went on a run this past weekend and has yet to return.

Washington University’s newest student-run business, Buzz Feed, is a joint effort by WU’s beekeeping club and Olin’s top students. The service will deliver highest quality bees available this side of the Mississippi right to the doors of students on the Danforth Campus.

Nudist sorority Omnicron Upsilon Epsilon (OYE) is being selected as Washington University’s newest Greek Life installment.

In an incredible act of courage, Washington University Police officers arrested Ferguson protester Dan Wheeler on Monday for sneezing too loudly in the East Asian Studies library while holding a sign that read “No Justice, No Peace.”

In a move that will streamline overhead for upcoming years, the Olin Business School [OBS +6.96] will form a single, vibrating particle to promote synergy throughout the undergraduate student population.

“Donnie’s Choice is mostly gonna be, you know, big plates of salted meats and cheese. The kiddies are gonna love it,” Mascarpone said.

So Social Programming Board came out with the big announcement of our WILD headliner: the “Donald Trump” maestro himself (wait, does anyone know any other songs from him?)

The results may have shocked the University, but were any of us actually surprised that Thurteen is run entirely by pre-frosh?

A particularly inquisitive Yik Yakker posted several months ago, “Am I the only one here who disagrees with just about everything StudLife writes?” No, dear anonymous Washington University student, you are not alone. In fact, you have company from the staff that produces the pages that will soon become your toilet paper.

Before we begin, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Rigoberto and I’m your average penis. For most of my life, I’ve belonged to a nice Jewish boy named Walter. Walter is great. I’ve been a happy camper for most of my life.