So Social Programming Board came out with the big announcement of our WILD headliner: the “Donald Trump” maestro himself (wait, does anyone know any other songs from him?). Either way, some of the campus rejoices while others make angry statuses on Facebook about the usual diversity complaints or “Who is he anyway?” or “When will SPB ever bring a big act to campus? Will the tour guides ever have someone better to name check than the Black Eyed Peas or Mat Kearney?”

The world may never know. We just know that Mac Miller is not that performer. In fact, any of these acts might have been a better choice or might have gone outside the usual expectations, at least: who needs to pay attention to survey results anyway? Congress of the South 40 certainly didn’t, and we got MKTO! That’s how to do business. SPB, take note if you need any last-minute opener tips!

MKTO

Speaking of MKTO, they’re bound to be such a hit, so why don’t we invite them back for another go-round? Now wouldn’t that be “Classic”?! Think about it: if they come back to campus, at least people will know the words to more than one song. Plus, we were all so excited for them to come in the first place—why wouldn’t we be just as pumped to see MKTO perform again? Honestly, this campus could never get enough of that kid who used to play Walt on “LOST.” Maybe they can just dedicate an entire set to different people screaming “WALTTTTT.” That would be an entertaining show for sure.

The Baseball Team DJ

Now, this disc jockey may be well known to those lucky residents of Dardick, Nemerov and Lien Houses, but he’s pretty underground in regard to the rest of the campus. And oh boy, if you haven’t heard this DJ’s sweet mix of pop punk throwbacks and infectious top 40 hits, then you’re really missing out. Mr. Baseball DJ knows just what to play to rouse you from that afternoon nap or to distract you from all those stupid books you should be reading. It’s time for him to stop wasting his talents on those dumb South 40 residents and for SPB to grant him wider recognition by putting the Baseball Team DJ up front and center in Brookings Quadrangle.

Crowd of Confused Pre-frosh

You know how great of an idea it is to bring admitted or curious pre-frosh to campus and let them tour around on the day of WILD? Let’s make it even better and let them on stage to preform for us. After all, we need to judge them thoroughly before they can be admitted to our prestigious institution. Better yet, let the tour guides use the time to start their own pregame effectively. In fact, why not make the tour into a fun drinking game for everyone involved—make everyone take a shot when the tour guide makes up a fun fact about the campus or invents a friend who is totally into the butter-churning club as a way to demonstrate all the wacky activities we have going on on campus (let’s be real, with that gen chem curve, no one has friends here). Everyone should be nice and buzzed by the time the tour ends and they are all shuffled unexpectedly onto a stage in front of thousands of drunk students. I can’t think of a better admissions test.

Over-enthusiastic WUSA with a megaphone

I don’t think we’ve heard enough of the residential college cheers by now, so what better forum than WILD to learn them all thoroughly or for those senior citizens to get a #tbt to freshman year (omg! Remember when we could all take 10 shots a night and then kiss the general facial area of someone in a frat basement?! The memories)? And we all know that WUSA who got a little too into everything during orientation week. Legend has it that his hand permanently fused to his megaphone during that fateful time, and he has been wandering campus in the shadows ever since. Legend also has it that the incident ruined that WUSA’s dream of sleeping with one of his babies—why the hell would you apply anyway? Well, time to bring this sad WUSA out of the shadows and into the WILD light. He’d sure be great at pumping up the crowd and everyone would already know the lyrics. Probably.

Those other Jonas Brothers

Yeah, yeah. We all know that Nick became the hot one (who would’ve put money on that?), but who knows what ever happened to those two other ones. Didn’t one get a reality show? Did they ever keep that purity ring promise that Disney probably forced them to make in blood in order to keep their careers? Judging by little bro Nick’s raunchy lyrics, I’m going to go with no. Bringing them to WILD sure would be a good way to figure that out. Their little brother may be busy being “more famous” or singing hit songs like “Chains” and “Jealous” at “big awards shows” or whatever, but getting to play to a mildly enthusiastic/mildly blackout crowd of stressed-out students should be consolation enough for the other ones. What were their names again?

Student Life Staff

No, we probably won’t be performing for you. After all, we’re pretty talentless outside the ability to type some words good. But we know how much we’re hated on campus, so why not put us up on stage where you can all yell out your grievances for a couple of hours? It’ll be like Yik Yak but in real life and with more alcoholic influence. SPB could make a killing by charging people for various projectiles to throw at the staff. Everyone profits. Except us, of course.

A cappella auditioners

Personally, there’s nothing I love more than watching people who really think they can belt out an Adele song. Why serenade your freshman floor at 3 a.m. when you can show the whole school just how big of a deal you were in high school? There’s no fun in making the a cappella auditions closed affairs, especially considering we have to listen to you at various campus events for the rest of our college careers. It’ll be just like a Wash. U. version of “The Voice”—why not look into finding inflatable chairs that we can all spin around in when we like the sound of the performer? Despite the obvious nausea this might entail, there’s nothing we love more than judgment on campus. Why not bring it to our supposedly biggest and most loved campus event?