This past Friday, an anemic, gray-haired, fully bearded man stumbled up from the depths of the B-stacks in Olin Library, looking noticeably frazzled. He stopped various students as he wandered up and down the stairs, claiming he could not find the book he was looking for; one detailing the research results regarding the tearoom trade.

“They never understood my work, but they knew it was good just based on my physical traits. I was a white man who had angst as a teenager, so I was kind of destined for this.”

In a surprise declaration last night, Chancellor Marq Wrongton announced his intention to retire by the end of May of this year. After serving 20 years as Washington University’s leader, Wrongton says he’s ready for the next stage in his life.

Just over two months after it was formed, the Washington University pep band has already been dissolved after an administrative investigation uncovered several confirmed reports of extreme hazing.

On Monday, Director of Athletics Gosh Bitman shocked the school community when he announced that the Red and Green will finally be joining NCAA Division I athletics and holding all sporting events at the soon-to-be vacated Edward Jones Dome in fall 2015.

The new Course Listings addition, under the tentative program name Sports School, is a change two years in the making, with the idea first pitched to the University’s curriculum committee upon the arrival of Provost Golden Vorp to campus.