Manuel Lopez | Staff Illustrator

Dear Scene,

During Bear Beginnings, I tried to get to know my roommate and suitemates better. While we all hung out together for the first week, every interaction felt forced and as if they didn’t want me there. As the months passed, my roommate spent less time in our room and more time in our suitemates’ room. I have tried to make an effort to connect with my roommate but she always says she’s busy and has not once made an effort to connect with me. The other night, I heard my roommate and suitemates saying some really mean stuff about me and hysterically laughing. I want to confront them but I’m not sure how or what to do. Help!

— Tired of Being Talked About

Dear Tired,

Making friends during freshman year is already difficult, and it definitely doesn’t help when you start off on the wrong foot with the people you live with. Just know that you’re not alone. Almost everyone has a story about a roommate or suitemate that they didn’t like or that didn’t like them. As it turns out, many people don’t stay friends with their first-year roommate or suitemates after the spring semester ends — even if they did get along — so fret not!

I know this is easier said than done, but try to not take anything they say too personally. If you haven’t done anything in particular to upset your roommate or suitemates, then their bad attitudes are truly just a reflection of their character and not yours. If these people don’t want to be your friend and are intentionally being disrespectful about it, then they aren’t worth your time or effort. 

There are a couple of ways to navigate this situation, and you have to figure out which is most productive for your circumstance. One way to mitigate their snarkiness towards you is to simply tell them that they’re being the worst in a straightforward manner (but be more diplomatic than just telling them that they’re the worst). For example, responding to a passive-aggressive comment with “There’s no need to be rude” or “I didn’t appreciate that comment” is a great way to make it clear that you’re all too aware of their dislike for you and that you’ve had enough of their disrespect. 

If you’re looking to confront them specifically about the time you overheard them talking about you, try to sit them all down so you can have a real conversation. I know this seems cliché and maybe even a little bit over-the-top, but it would create an environment in which you can be very direct with all of them at once. Be casual when bringing it up — maybe send a text that says something along the lines of “Hey, are you guys busy tonight? I want to talk about something really quick.” You may even want to discuss it in a casual manner, but make sure that they’re listening and that you’re not letting them walk all over you during the conversation.

At the same time, it’s important to be receptive and willing to make adjustments on your end. There is a possibility that they have a legitimate issue, and you have to be willing to listen. If this is the case, apologize and make the necessary changes, but still make sure that you are able to articulate your feelings to them. Just because you may have an annoying living habit does not justify the treatment you’ve been receiving.

If they aren’t receptive to any of your polite comments and you want to return their attitude, I suggest speaking to them like they’re small children every time they say something rude. “No thank you, friend! Can we please be respectful?” and “Remember that all friends have feelings! Let’s use kind words, please,” are some of my personal favorites. Use caution here, because depending on the type of people they are, this may worsen your situation, and it requires sinking to their level. As hurtful as their rejection is, don’t let it consume your social life. Instead, focus your energy on the people who build you up and make you feel welcomed. 

While it’s definitely a bummer to get stuck with people you don’t get along with, try to remember that you won’t have to deal with this for too much longer. Next year, you’ll get to live with people that you like (and that like you), and this entire issue will be a thing of the past. There’s only a little over a month left in the academic year, and then you’ll be free from your current suitemates forever. Good luck dealing with them, and hopefully the rest of your semester improves from here.

Your real friends,

Scene