Dear Scene,

Me and my partner got together in high school and I have no idea if we should keep dating in college. How do I bring it up to them and what things should I even be thinking about? I need advice PLEASE!

— Romantically Reeling

Dear Romantically Reeling,

You are by no means alone in this struggle. In fact, I faced the very same decision going into my first year at WashU. The thought of taking this step in a committed relationship can be terrifying. But you’re in good hands, because this column should set you and your partner up for success when navigating “the college conversation.”  

Ideally, you and your partner are attending the same college. In that case, that is one less factor (distance) on your mind. However, that does not mean you should be changing your goals or aspirations to fit into someone else’s life. If you’re going to take away anything from here, let it be that the only person you should let dictate which school you’re going to is YOU! Obviously getting to go to college with your partner is awesome, but that should only be the cherry on top of a relationship sundae. The bottom line is if you and your partner happen to both want to go to the same school, great! But, if not, that is not inherently a dealbreaker for the relationship, depending on where your priorities land.

For me, my boyfriend and I ended up five hours apart by Amtrak. While I initially thought it would be too hard for us to do long-distance or that we would be statistically unlikely to last through college (yes, I used statistics on him), he convinced me otherwise. His main point boiled down to: If you love someone, why not try? When all is said and done, the worst that can happen is that things don’t work out. Whether that is a risk you’re personally willing to take is up to you and how you feel towards your partner. If you know deep down that the only reason you would ever break up with them would be due to external factors like your academic futures or career pursuits forcing you apart, then this first year may be the perfect window of opportunity to see how things will go. Better yet, if the relationship does end, you can always look back with no regrets that you never dated them in college.

Another prominent factor to consider, regardless of whether or not you will be dating long-distance, is what you and your partner’s expectations are for this transition in your relationship. For example, how often do you want to text, call, or FaceTime every week? When will dates happen, and will they be in-person or virtual? Going through each of your individual course and extracurricular schedules beforehand is a great place to start when it comes to deciding how feasible or realistic it is to continue the relationship. If neither of you have even brought up college when talking to each other, something as simple as “Hey, I’ve been thinking about what to do when we go to school” is a concise, direct way to begin a real discussion.

Finally, arguably the most important and potentially uncomfortable consideration you need to make is the other possible romantic connections you will be sacrificing to stay with your current partner. One of the best things about WashU is getting to meet so many new, exciting people from all over the world. With that comes the likelihood that you may find someone you become attracted to or develop a crush on. Although you shouldn’t necessarily feel bad for having these feelings, you do have to recognize that, in an exclusive relationship, the romantic and/or sexual freedom of being “single and ready to mingle” is no longer at your disposal. 

If your relationship is open or otherwise non-exclusive, much more consistent communication is going to be required for you both to determine those interpersonal boundaries. In any case, say you do choose your current partner over the possibility of future ones. The best way to ensure your relationship has a strong chance is to clearly define and agree upon what does and does not count as disloyal behavior. From the grey area that is emotional cheating to using physical touch with friends, outlining what you and your partner are comfortable with the other doing outside of the relationship is only going to help you both.

Overall, while the decision to keep dating someone from high school into college is anything but an easy one, identifying the major factors you should take into account and coming up with a list of all the pros and cons is less scary when your partner works with you rather than against you. I wish you the best in making a choice, and trust yourself above everything. You got this!

Your loving confidants,

Scene

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