It’s 2:12 a.m. You’re wrapped up in a marathon study session. You can’t remember when you got to the library. You can’t remember if you were ever planning to leave. You’re cycling between spurts of adrenaline and waves of debilitating terror. Feelings of hunger are masked by feelings of desperation, but when your vision starts to blur and you begin foaming at the mouth, you suspect your blood sugar is getting low. Maybe it’s time to take a deep breath and reconnect with your spirit guides over a meal.

It’s a shame that the ongoing construction at Olin Library has forced the closing of Whispers Cafe this semester, but don’t worry: You still don’t actually have to leave the library to get sustenance. Here is your complete guide to whipping up a delicious five-course gourmet meal using items available for purchase in the Olin Library vending machines.

Laura Ancona | Student Life

Hors d’oeuvre:

Rustic hickory smoked jerky toasted ravioli

Ingredients: Dried potato skins, a Snickers bar, hickory smoked jerky, cheese-flavored chips, belVita breakfast biscuits.

Prep time: Checking Facebook before actually starting your homework.

You know what they say about Washington University: It’s in St. Louis. And nothing says St. Louis quite like deep-fried Italian food! Start by building a vessel for the jerky filling, using a bag of dried potato skins and a Snickers bar. Scrape the caramel out of the Snickers bar and use it to glue several potato skins together, creating a crunchy shell and a flavor combination reminiscent of a trendy Starbucks drink! Don’t forget to leave a small hole for your protein! Grind a handful of hickory smoked jerky into very fine pieces and season the meat to taste, using powder from nacho cheese Doritos, sour cream and cheddar Ruffles or another artificially cheese flavored chip of your choosing. Stuff the jerky filling into the potato skin’s shell. Finally, crumble a belVita cracker and use as a breadcrumb, thoroughly coating the exterior of the potato skins, using caramel as a binding agent. If you do not like the taste of dust, you may substitute the belVita cracker for a few crumbled pretzels.

Soup:

Mystery meat chowder

Ingredients: A few bottles of 5-hour ENERGY, prepackaged baked good, prepackaged sandwich, potato chips.

Prep time: Reading one page of classic literature.

Nourish your mind, body and soul with some classic comfort food, supplemented with a generous dose of caffeine so you can stay up well past your bedtime! Start with a few bottles of 5-hour ENERGY to use as a broth base because if you’re trying to make soup in the library, you need as many stimulants as you can get your hands on. Select a prepackaged baked good of your choice and use those finger muscles to grind it into a fine powder, gradually mixing it into the energy drink to thicken your broth. Next, purchase a sandwich from the (hopefully) refrigerated case. Options include sloppy joes, chili dogs, chuckwagon sandwiches and classic cheeseburgers. I recommend the uncharted flavors of the “everything” hot dog—fortune favors the bold! Disassemble the sandwich or hot dog (or is a hot dog a sandwich?!) then thoroughly saturate the meat with water and squeeze all of the juice out of the meat and into your broth. Cut the meat into small chunks and stir into the broth. Crumble a few potato chips and use the crumbs to salt your soup to taste. Warm via body heat.

Antipasto:

Wilted veggie straw salad with a cran-apple vinaigrette

Ingredients: Veggie straws, tropical fruit and nut mix, cran-apple juice, Nutri-Grain bar, Sour Patch Kids.

Prep time: Extra-long bathroom break spent covertly watching snap stories.

Just because you’re creating a meal out of nonperishables doesn’t mean you can’t “Eat Fresh,” right? With this delicious “salad,” you can tickle your taste buds and feign health-consciousness! Start with a bag of veggie straws to use as a lettuce substitute that kind of resembles a vegetable. Chop the veggie straws into small pieces before mixing in a tropical fruit and nut mix. Cran-apple juice, a staple on the beverage cart of every Southwest Airlines flight, is the perfect start to any salad dressing—very syrupy with just a dash of acidity. Scrape the raspberry filling out of a Nutri-Grain bar and stir into the cran-apple juice to thicken the dressing and add dimension to the fruity flavor. Drizzle generously over the salad to mask the taste of the veggie straws. Break up the remainder of the Nutri-Grain bar into bite-size pieces. Place the Nutri-Grain bar chunks on top of an overheated computer processor and turn every few minutes, toasting until the edges of each piece are golden brown. Toss into the salad in lieu of croutons. Finally, make a quick Sour Patch Kids zest and sprinkle over the top to juxtapose the sweet dressing with an unexpected dash of bitterness.

Entree:

Troppo sale

Ingredients: prosciutto stick, salted peanuts

Prep time: Calculating anticipated damage to your GPA.

Classy entrees have one defining characteristic: microscopic size. You might be eating in the library, but you don’t have to compromise your aesthetic with this Instagram-worthy plate! This dish is all about the presentation. Use a very sharp pencil to shave two very thin pieces of prosciutto off the stick. Dampen the pieces of prosciutto and wrap them around the pencil. Once the prosciutto is no longer wet, remove the pieces from the pencil; they should be twisted into curls. Open your bag of salted peanuts and select the five smallest, roundest and appropriately colored specimens. Find a tasteful and hygienic surface upon which to arrange your ingredients. Arrange the salted peanuts in a semicircle around the perimeter of the plate and carefully balance the two prosciutto curls in the center in an artful arrangement of your own design.

Dessert:

Citrus-infused chocolate dump cake

Ingredients: Chocolate protein shake, three chocolate bars, lemonade, iced honey bun, Pop-Tarts.

Prep time: One existential crisis.

Nothing says luxury like a dump cake. Indulge yourself. You’re in the library. You’re basically studying. You deserve it! Begin with a chocolate protein shake, then add three slightly melted chocolate bars to thicken the filling. Beat until the chocolate mixture is thick and smooth. Create depth and contrast in the flavor profile by adding a splash of lemonade to the chocolate filling. As anyone who has watched even few minutes of Food Network can tell you, the judges on “Chopped” love lemon deserts! Next, break an iced honey bun into several chunks and crumble on top of the filling, then let your dish sit for several minutes, allowing the honey bun to soak up the chocolate flavor. Top with a crumbled Pop-Tart garnish to add texture and visual interest to your presentation. Depending on your preferences, this dump cake can be served either hot or cold. In the spring and summer months (or mid-October apparently), take your dish outside and place in direct sunlight, allowing your gooey desert to be warmed by the rays of nature’s microwave. Alternatively, in the winter months, simply step outside of the library and watch the dump cake freeze rapidly. If you find out the weather conditions at the time of preparation are not conducive to your cooking needs, just remember that, here in the Midwest, you needn’t wait more than a few hours to experience a drastic climate shift.

If you’ve made it through your five-course vending machine meal without feeling like you need to get your stomach pumped, congratulations! You are a true champion of modern times. You would probably do great in graduate school. For those of you that aren’t so lucky—maybe it’s time to go home, make some Kraft Easy Mac and crawl into bed.