We love our friends, and when they get hurt, it’s hard for us to not come back swinging on their behalf. We care for them and want to protect them, and this becomes even more complex when the issue is between two of your friends. The most difficult part of a situation like this one will likely be that people within your friend group will begin to pick sides—or that two individuals who are no longer romantically involved will expect you to.

Some friends may think that one person wronged the other and owes an apology, while some may view the situation from the other’s point of view. In either case, the reality is that everyone’s individual biases surrounding the two people in question will pose obstacles to objectivity.

I believe that taking sides and acting on anger and hurt—that you did not experience firsthand—will only serve to amplify the drama of the situation. You might do better to tell your two friends that you would be happy to hear what they have to say about the situation but that you would prefer to remain impartial throughout it.

Different individuals react differently to different problems. There is no set equation that you can follow to make a friend feel better instantly. Some people seem to bounce back from just about anything, but others are bound to take longer to recover from a (perceived) slight. You shouldn’t grow frustrated or take it personally if a friend has no desire to be a part of your anymore. Separating from your circle may be what he or she feels would be most helpful for his or her healing process, and only that individual can understand that.

Some people are slow healers. And some people are very, very slow healers. This is certainly not to say that they are full of hate and resentment but rather that they may just need a bit longer to get back to feeling comfortable in their usual group. Know that you can’t possibly fix everyone’s problems and, even if you could, that such a large responsibility should never fall on you alone. As long as your friends know you love and support them, there is no more “fixing” to be done.

Set yourself straight. Be sure to make it clear to your two friends that, while you are willing to listen to their sides of the story, you will not be picking sides. Tell them you will not participate in speaking negatively about the other person—this is crucial if you do not want to sever any friendships and hope to keep your group together.

Tips and Tricks

Be the distraction. If you’re tired of drama bringing the whole group down, try to bring some lightness to the mix! Take one of your two friends who have just been through a breakup and just spend a day hanging out, just the two of you. (OK, it’s Wash. U., so a full day may be a little ambitious—perhaps a few hours.) Get off campus and do something relaxing that will hopefully get his or her mind off of the commotion for a while. Your friend will appreciate the gesture and know that you will always be there to provide support.

You can’t be the ultimate problem solver. No matter how much you may want to try, resolving any and every issue within a group of friends just isn’t possible—nor is it your duty.