Bri Nitsberg | Staff Photographer

Content warning: This article contains discussion of sexual assault. Resources and helplines can be found at the end of the article. 

I have heard one too many sexual assault stories. I have lived one too many stories. Enough needs to be enough already.

26.9% of undergraduate women have experienced sexual assault since coming to WashU, according to the 2024 Higher Education Sexual Misconduct and Awareness (HESMA) survey. While the survey results alone are equivalent to 1,051 women, over 2,000 flags surrounded Mudd Field on April 1 for Sexual Assault Awareness Month. These flags, placed by the Relationship & Sexual Violence Prevention (RSVP) Center, represent our community, our classmates, and our school. 

What’s even worse is that while this number is already too high, it is likely significantly higher when it accounts for survivors who didn’t feel comfortable reporting and/or survivors who did not recognize that what they went through is classified as sexual assault.

Over 2,000 people. 

Let that sink in.

More than 2,000 survivors and far too many perpetrators walk this campus every semester. 

That is more than the entire WashU Class of 2029. Sexual assault and relationship violence have found their way into too many students’ stories, and we as a community are not angry enough.

For those who have suffered at the hands of callous, selfish individuals who commit sexual assault, I want to tell you that it is not your fault. Ever. For not speaking up, for not fighting, for not understanding your own situation. It is not your fault. Your brain and your body weren’t meant to be in a situation like this, so they don’t know how to respond to a situation like this. You wouldn’t blame someone for losing their wallet if they got robbed, so why are we blaming survivors for sexual assault? It is not your fault. 

Everyone will tell you the healing process isn’t linear. And while that is undoubtedly true, I think it’s more accurate to compare the healing process to a boulder. Immediately after the assault occurs, it may feel as though you are carrying around a boulder bigger than yourself, all by yourself. It might be the first thing you think about when you wake up, the first thing you see when you look in the mirror, the first thing other people think when they interact with you. And it might feel impossible to get through the days where the boulder seems to keep getting bigger.

But after some time, that boulder becomes a little bit smaller. You may start hunched over, holding it on your back with every ounce of strength you can muster. Then one day, it’s small enough that you can hold it in your arms. Another day, it fits nicely in your backpack, and you can zip it closed, putting it out of your mind for a bit. Maybe later down the line, maybe without you even noticing, the boulder has become a little pebble in your back pocket. 

Once in a while, you might sit down and feel the pebble there in your pocket after you hadn’t in a long time. The reminder of it could hurt just as badly as it did when it was a boulder on your back. But this time around, it’s only once in a while, not always.

I won’t lie to you: It will always be there with you. But it doesn’t have to become you. 

Sexual assault isn’t something that a survivor can move on from immediately. While perpetrators might be able to rip this chapter out of their story, survivors usually do not have that privilege. These experiences have a way of taking over every morsel of your life. They create days that are so hard you may not want to keep fighting to get past everything that happened to you. It can bring so much loss: of hope, of friendships and relationships, of your old self. 

Learning how to live with who you become despite the painful events that occurred to you is no easy feat, and one that may take years, but that time will come. Letting the boulder get smaller and smaller doesn’t mean you are forgetting what happened; it just means you are growing because of it. You will always be changing and always be learning, but eventually, you can start to feel like you are living again. You may be a sexual assault survivor, but you can do more than just survive.

In a reality where justice in these situations may be hard to come by, and it feels like there is so much out of your control, your success is the form of revenge that matters most. 

Your success is getting out of bed, smiling a little more each day, and turning the boulder into a little pebble.

Your success is living for the former you who had to endure things no one should have to go through. 

Your success is living, and one day thriving, for the former you who spent so long just trying to survive.

The Sexual Assault and Rape Anonymous Helpline (S.A.R.A.H) provides confidential and anonymous support and can be reached at 314-935-8080 between 4 p.m. and 8 a.m. during the fall and spring academic semesters.

There are counselors at the Relationship and Sexual Violence Prevention (RSVP) Center, located in Seigle Hall, Suite 435, available confidentially to any University student. The office can be reached at 314-935-3445 or by email at [email protected].

The National Sexual Assault Hotline can be reached at 1-800-656-4673 or via online chat at https://hotline.rainn.org/online 24/7.

To reach Title IX, students can contact Title IX Coordinator Jessica Kennedy at 314-935-3118 or go to the Title IX Office in Umrath Hall 001.