Senior Saheel Pateel, former editor-in-chief of Student Life, has fled to Fontbonne University, where he is petitioning for asylum after leaking documents proving that the Athletic Department has been spying on its own athletes.

Washington University’s high-level reconnaissance has been an effort to ensure the teams’ 70 percent win record isn’t the result of a methamphetamine “high” boosting performance.

As assistant sports information director for the Washington University Department of Athletics, Pateel had access to the surveillance files, which were given the highest level of confidentiality that athletic department can offer in this post-Manti Teo climate.

In recent days, the Student Life offices have become the focus of attention of the Washington University Police Department, FBI, Sky and Telescope, 2600, The Guardian, foreign intelligence services, the office of Student Affairs, deposed St. Louis alderpersons, Us Weekly and believers of metempsychosis as the scandal progressively unraveled.

Pateel’s flight comes on the heels of WUPD finally issuing a warrant for his arrest.

“It’s an outrage,” sports information director Mitch Crystal said while hovering suspiciously over the hood of his Walter White-inspired mobile studio. “We expected after two-bit Tabby’s reign of terror ended, we would all just be able to sit back and enjoy some…ice skating.”

Pateel had spent the last two weeks hiding in the Student Life office, an ideal place of refuge because it is located in an unincorporated part of St. Louis that no one could actually locate on a campus map. But he fled after an unidentified administrator found himself in the office and recognized him from a Wanted poster that was being emailed nightly as an attachment to the Record.

Speaking from an undisclosed location on the Fontbonne campus, Pateel said that while he does not regret his decision to publish the documents in Student Life, he regrets that he will not be able to graduate with his otherwise highly employable resume featuring a Philosophy-Neuroscience-Psychology major, biomedical physics minor and journalistic prowess.

“‘#NORAGRETS,’” Pateel posted on his MySpace, linked to his Xanga, following the incident. “Maybe I can get Fontbonne to grant me an honorary degree for all this publicity. Either way, I feel #blessed.”

Fontbonne officials could not be reached for comment, although students from both universities have speculated that granting Pateel asylum could heighten tensions between the neighboring campuses. WUPD Chief Din Strim said that WUPD will be increasing patrols around Wheeler House while Pateel is on the loose.

“It’s basically Fontbonne anyway,” Strim said.

Pateel will be succeeded as editor-in-chief by sophomore Jack Spam, who plans to replace Pateel’s mission of excellence with a Jew fro and copious quantities of running shorts.

“We’ll miss Saheel [Pateel], of course,” Spam said. “But I’m wearing the yarmulke in the office now.”

“It would have been nice to wear the yarmulke,” Pateel said. “It would have covered my bald spot.”

Pateel was last publicly spotted at the border between Fontbonne and Washington University, trying to find a Wi-Fi signal as a friend smuggled him one of the new Connie’s Choice meatless half-and-halfs (I can’t believe it’s not chicken!).