Lady Gaga hosted a celebrity benefit auction to raise money for tsunami relief in Japan. The benefit proved that even in a time of crisis, Gaga can throw one hell of a party.

Said Gaga, “Japan is a place.”

Several musicians offered items from their personal collections. The host herself auctioned a dress made of sashimi. Elsewhere, Justin Bieber offered to whisper secrets to the highest bidder, and L’il Wayne bought some of the magical beans that keep Keith Richards alive. Limp Bizkit, whose new album comes out this summer, promised to delay its release one day for every $10 donated in to the relief effort. It is now slated to come out sometime in the 34th century.

“Many of these people do not have reliable access to food,” Mariah Carey was overheard saying. “God, they’re going to get so skinny. I hate them.”

“Who will make hardcore schoolgirl pornography now?” asked the member of the Red Hot Chili Peppers who looks just like Will Ferrel. “The Germans!? The Hungarians?! [Expletive] those Eastern European [expletives]. What kind of world do we live in?” he trailed off, sobbing.

One notable no-show was Bono, who sent his regrets with a card saying, “In Africa they don’t even have tsunamis. Africa.”

As Gaga took the stage at the evening’s close, Kanye West, visibly intoxicated, rushed the stage, yelling, “Yo, Gaga, I’mma let you finish, but the typhoon of 1274 was the greatest Japanese water-based natural disasters of all time! Of all time!” The crowd nodded in somber agreement.