The Jive dance team endured through years of mockery during halftime performances at games before improving their routines and earning varsity status. The recruiting scandal erased years of gains by the program, which now must find a way to continue recruitment efforts without being able to strut their stuff during halftime.

Just hours after her dance team was named the University’s newest varsity athletic program, she was caught offering incentives to toddlers at a local ballet dance studio.

“We promised the kids’ parents that they could get into Wash. U. if they were en pointe by the time they were 7,” Pirouette said. “Advancement in ballet would give them some leeway with their ACT score. I didn’t think anyone would ever find out.”

Pirouette’s hopes of an undercover funnel from the local studio “Ballerinaz ‘R’ Us” were revealed to the NCAA by an anonymous whistleblower. Administrators in the athletic department insisted that they did not give Pirouette consent to begin recruiting, but Pirouette explained that she was acting on the advice of a mentor.

“As soon as I found out that I was going to be a varsity coach, I called my good friend Jim Tressel,” Pirouette said through sobs. “He said six words to me: Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

The NCAA informed Jive that it would receive an immediate six-month suspension from competition, effectively eliminating all three of its performances from the 2011-2012 season.

“We’re unsure if the NCAA has jurisdiction over Dance Marathon, and I sincerely hope we will be eligible for an appeal in this matter,” Pirouette said. “The opportunities for my dancers to collect free green T-shirts in their time at this University are extremely limited, and I would hate to think they lost a chance because of me. I apologize completely and wholeheartedly.”

As she exited the press conference, Pirouette was first greeted by a group of enthusiastic kindergartners. The kindergartners declined to comment.