As Marq Wrongton’s term as supreme leader of Washingon University draws to a close, the recently formed chancellor search committee has narrowed its focus to finding an internal candidate to replace him. Although Provost Molden Tworp was an early frontrunner, the search committee has exclusively revealed to Student Life that it is currently in talks with a few members of our Wash. U. community who truly know the campus from top to bottom—from the branches of each tree to the inner workings of each recycling bin. Here, I’ve scored exclusive interviews with the top three candidates for the top job.

Chatter McNutt

Chatter has a lot to say—and he’s not afraid to say it. He’s very vocal about the issues that matter most to him, especially waste diversion and dining hall accessibility. Chatter’s passionate about reducing food waste, and he’s embarked on a personal campaign to rid each campus recycling bin of every last tasty morsel of food that’s been tossed in there by a careless passerby. In fact, you can often find him in a particular bin near Bear’s Den, where people are just “tossing half-and-halfs in left and right.”

Courtesy of Chatter McNutt

Chatter McNutt pauses briefly after recieving a commendation from the University of Missouri. McNutt taught for 3 years at Mizzou before coming to Wash. U. as a tenured professor.

And the Danforth University Center, as it turns out, is pretty unwelcoming to squirrels; ducks are “scary dudes,” according to McNutt. To avoid deterring rodent members of our campus community from one of the University’s central hubs, he proposes renaming the building “ACORN: the All-Campus Omphalos for Rodents ‘N humans.”

With radical ideas like this, McNutt would certainly be a strong choice for chancellor. But he’s not about to do a total 180 from our current leader: The stylish squirrel has already invested in a wardrobe of double-breasted suits to pay homage to the man he affectionately calls “Marky Mark Hickory Bark.”

Opinion on divestment:

“What are we really gaining from investing in oil and gas, anyway? We should be putting our money in acorns.”

Favorite fictional character:

Scrat from “Ice Age”

Bucktooth Bushytail III

Bucktooth is the candidate coming into this race with the most experience. As a leader among campus squirrels, he’s worked with the administration as a consultant on new construction projects and tree-cover initiatives. And he certainly has the charisma and gravitas of a natural born leader: “Please, call me Buck,” he insists good-naturedly when we meet at the ginkgo trees by Olin Library for his candidate interview. “Mr. Bushytail is my father.”

Buck has a distinct vision for this campus, and it involves building on his potential predecessor’s lasting legacy of construction. He sees a campus “covered with trees as far as the eye can see,” filling in the gaps between buildings with a squirrel-accessible network of branches and leaves. He even plans to shut down part of Olin Library for another 6-18 months—a potentially unpopular plan—in order to convert the B-stacks into an interspecies hibernation center each winter.

This candidate certainly has the support of the board, or at the very least of its chair, Smuck’s Markets, Inc.’s Kraik Smuck.: Buck serves as the spokes-squirrel for Smuck’s in-house brand of peanut butter. With strong ties to the University’s trustees and a family legacy to uphold (his father, Bucktooth Bushytail II, served as the dean of Olin Business School for several years in the ‘80s), many faculty members (who preferred to speak under the condition of anonymity) see Buck as a shoo-in for the job of chancellor.

Position on socioeconomic diversity:

“Washington University welcomes all kinds of squirrels and students—ground, flying, Eastern, Western—and we’ll let never their family’s financial status be an obstacle to their attendance at our fine institution, unless, of course, it affects our bottom line.”

Favorite snack:

Smucks All-Natural Crunchy Peanut Butter

Peanut Pinkpaws

What Pinkpaws lacks in outward enthusiasm, she more than makes up for in gumption and grit. As the only she-squirrel under serious consideration for the University’s top administrative position, Pinkpaws is more than aware of the historical precedent she would set if she gets the job. “Being not only the first woman, but also the first squirrel, to serve as chancellor of Washington University would be a tremendous achievement,” she says. “My good friend Hillary was in a similar position a couple of years ago. But unfortunately, she fell short at the last minute, and I made a vow to her that I wouldn’t let the same thing happen to me.”

One of Peanut’s major focuses is on “cleaning up” the Greek scene on campus. As a proponent of ecofeminism, she explains that “fraternity members who treat women badly treat squirrels even worse,” according to a recent study by her eponymous thinktank, the Pinkpaws Institute. She has firsthand experience with being unfairly dismissed everywhere from the boardroom to the bedroom: “Do you know how hard it is to be taken seriously with a name like ‘Peanut?’” But in overcoming her struggles, Peanut has become a bona fide feminist icon; she was recently spotted having brunch with fellow trailblazers Frances McDormand and Flo from Progressive.

Despite her steely demeanor—a persona she’s adopted consciously, says Peanut, “as a f— you to all of the creatures out there who’ve told me to smile”—this squirrel knows how to have fun. A little-known fact: She plays the bass in her punk band “Peanut and the Patriarchy-Smashers,” and was actually the one to share her skills with the current provost, her biggest rival for the job. “I taught Molden everything he knows, but I don’t get any of the credit,” she reveals. If given the job, she may be a history-making chancellor, but Pinkpaws doesn’t intend to coast on her win—she has many more tricks up her squirrely sleeve.

First move as chancellor:

Mobilize Washington University’s Gun Violence Initiative to lobby for ending gun violence against squirrels in Missouri

Power playlist:

“Hollaback Girl” by Gwen Stefani, “Fergalicious” by Fergie, “Electric Lady” by Janelle Monae