Avocadon’t

Helen Xiu | Contributing Writer

The world seems to be absolutely captivated by the avocado. If I turn a street corner, someone will be going on about the new avocado cleanse they’re trying out or ranting about how they clear their skin by mixing their own avocado face masks. At some point—after quinoa became the new kale and avocado the new quinoa—people began to genuinely believe that every avocado consumed adds another three minutes to a person’s lifespan and takes half a pound off of hips. At some point, avocados transcended food and became a lifestyle. At some point, between avocado ice cream and avocado tattoos, it got ridiculous.

Bizarre cultish following aside, I’m just not a fan. Avocados are terrible, plain and simple. From texture to taste, the avocado is basically just grass butter (very intensely gross grass butter).

I am not so blind that I can’t acknowledge the appeal an avocado might hold. A lot of people seem to really enjoy the texture of overripe, rotten fruit, and those same people seem to really enjoy the texture of the avocado. I don’t understand it, but apparently I’m in the minority, so I’ll just keep my opinion confined to the margins of this article, hoping it will reach the few sensible people out there.

The flavor profile of the avocado leaves much to be desired, just as the texture does. Many laud the avocado’s deeply complex experience, saying it is similar to a creamy, mild butter with an acute vegetable freshness.

I think that’s nonsense.

To me, avocados taste like a badly maintained compost bin, a wet dumpster fire or any number of other mistakes. Furthermore, avocados are very unappetizing to look at. (My moniker for the avocado—“the devil’s nut”—may not seem very fitting, because avocados aren’t nuts. But if you think about it, they are literally low-hanging fruit.) In fact, I once watched a really intense pimple popping video, and the pus that came out looked uncannily like avocado innards. It was as if someone was squeezing avocado paste out of a detergent pod.

There’s also the issue of the cult of the avocado. Inductees’ love of the avocado is so intense that anyone who doesn’t share the same affection is summarily judged and ridiculed—and not just by Californians. Even though modern society flies a banner of acceptance and tolerance, these sentiments only seem applicable in certain situations.

The ubiquity of avocados is also annoying. You can never be sure if your sandwich, burger or even drink is safe. People dole out avocado indiscriminately and, at times, inappropriately. Though the avocado is technically a fruit, it has absolutely no business in my fruit salad (this is literally grounds for heresy). I’m also bitter because avocados ruined sushi for me. (I can feel the judgement. Save it.)

Also, why is avocado so hard to pick out of food? Its unsavory, mushy and gunky texture makes it incredibly difficult to safely extract from any and all food without inflicting collateral damage on either the other ingredients or the structural integrity of the meal. Actually, squishing avocado into the bread of an otherwise impeccable sandwich seems like it should be outlawed.

On the whole, I hate avocados. They broker no culinary merit in my book and are very unpleasant to be around. Though my opinion may inspire mutiny, I think it is one that’s important to share nonetheless. (If the circumstances of my disappearance are mysterious, you’ll know what happened.)

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