It’s Valentine’s Day. You’re reading the Sex Issue of your student newspaper, likely alone. And there’s a distinct moment where you think to yourself: This is embarrassing.

Not because reading Student Love is embarrassing (in fact, it’s incredibly sexy). You’re embarrassed because you realize it’s been, well, a while since your last date. And here’s this huge piece of paper screaming, “Everyone’s dating! And you’re doing the next-best thing! Reading about it!” 

Maybe reading about romance is what makes dating so hard. Growing up on Nora Ephron movies and romance novels, I didn’t see dating as the path to love. My soulmate and I were supposed to both reach for the last peach at the grocery store, or get caught in an elevator together, or be enemies until… “Oh, wait!”

And then I watched “Sex and the City.”

With “sex” in the title, I assumed the show would center around romance. And it does, but in a different way than I was expecting. The four main women are real adults — long past college life — and they’re single. They’re dating, in the most active sense of the word. And I don’t mean “hooking up,” nor do I mean “in a serious relationship.” While both of those things happen, what stood out to me was the way they dated, which functioned more like a mixture of those two extremes. 

Each of the main characters went out with a lot of different people over the course of a season. They didn’t research them in-depth beforehand, or say “no” to a date because the way they met wasn’t “romantic” enough. I wasn’t watching a beautifully orchestrated love story. Instead, I was watching women older than myself figure it out by just doing the damn thing. 

The women of “Sex and the City” dated, but that wasn’t what they were turning to for stability. Their consistent support system was their relationships with their friends — with whom they met up with regularly to talk about their numerous dates. For once, I saw dating as just another part of life, not life itself.

It makes me think of my parents’ experiences in high school and college. They went on dates. That was just another thing to do. They took dates to their school dances, they went out with people for fun, and it didn’t turn into a yearslong relationship, or take years off of their lives. It just wasn’t a big deal.

I’m happy that the culture has changed, in some ways; I loved going to school dances without the pressure of finding a date to fit in. But there is something to be learned from the casual, fun nature of the dates my parents describe. You could go on a date without it feeling like foreplay for your impending marriage — or feeling like, well, just foreplay. 

I was (okay, am) guilty of taking dating far too seriously. Perhaps I have sung “I Can Hear the Bells” at the mention of a friend’s first date… a few times. But doing this creates an environment where people are scared to ask each other out unless they are absolutely certain. Finding that certainty before the date isn’t realistic. In fact, that’s what dating is for. Not every person you date needs to be so well-chosen that you’d agree to be married on the spot. I’m not saying to lower your standards, but test them. Let a first date happen. 

Let me present a scenario: You’re on a dating app, and you seem to like a guy’s profile. Then, you see a picture of him on a boat, and you think, Oh god, he’s gonna want to take me out on the boat. And you hate boats. And you think, well, that’s not my husband. My husband wouldn’t like boats. And you swipe left. 

What if you just went on a first date? A first date is all it is. Not an extended commitment, just the promise of a conversation (and potentially mini golf.)

Inspired by “Sex and the City,” I decided to start dating last January and let it be fun. I got breakfast, coffee, lunch, and dinner, and none of those with the same guy. And none of the dates caused tears or ruined acquaintanceships. Instead, between extended periods of nodding along and telling stories that I maybe shouldn’t have told on a first date, I discovered something incredibly surprising: I like myself. 

In retrospect, it shouldn’t have been surprising that dating increased my confidence — the rom-coms and books I grew up on were about love, yes, but also self-love and discovery. They were about centering women’s stories. That was what had been missing from my love life: Instead of seeing dating as an opportunity to grow, I had turned outwards, entirely focused on what others thought of me. 

At first, I still felt this way, self-conscious and checking my phone in the bathroom to make sure I hadn’t been gone for too long. But I found that once I was on a “good date,” all of that fell away. And maybe on the second date, he pulled up on a Razor scooter and didn’t ask me a single question about myself. But for an hour and a half on that first date, I had fun. I learned something. And I felt confident.

Quickly, dates became a regular part of my early adulthood, like making small talk with a coworker or inviting friends over for dinner. Sure, they were a challenge, but a welcome one. They didn’t consume my every thought, and the aftermath was never as nightmarish as I had expected. I came away from the experience with friends, people to wave at, and some people I’ll never see again. I still haven’t walked away with the love of my life, but I’ve started to better understand my life and how love will someday fit into it. 

If we begin to approach dating as a natural part of life, maybe everything won’t feel so high-stakes. You won’t spend nine months waiting around for the guy you like to get the hint (come on, I was making intense eye contact!) or avoid asking someone out because you “might have a class with them.” You can be friendly with people after going on dates and not feel like you have to dodge someone in the DUC after two lunches together. 

If we let dating be fun, we can make connections, even if they aren’t the “soul connection” so many of us are looking for. Maybe, on the way, we will find The One. But by going in with an open mind, you might just have a good time. So, maybe this is a bit forward, but are you free for dinner this weekend?