Laura Ancona | Student Life

So you’ve moved to college and finally have access to a kitchen. Maybe you’re off campus or maybe you’re on the South 40, intent on using the hall kitchen because sanitation and human decency mean nothing to you. Regardless, you’ve watched a Tasty video before so you know what you’re doing. Gone are the days of simply eating a garlic clove because cooking is a dark art that your little high school mind just can’t understand. You’re cultured now. You curse Gordon Ramsey out.

But wait. As you start to prep your kitchen, you realize: Tasty videos are actually professionally made and ignore a large part of the cooking process. You have no idea what that white liquid they just poured in the pan was. You think pine nuts and cashews are the same thing. Not only do you burn your frose, but you also burned your eyebrows and your face and you are sad.

Don’t be this kid.

Instead of being that kid, here are some simple cooking rules by which to abide. And by rules I mean things you absolutely should not do. And by absolutely should not do, I mean it’s honestly shameful that you even thought this was a good idea. You have deviated so far from the Tasty video. You’re on some “Stranger Things” s—right now.

1. Don’t saute vegetables with milk

After looking up how to make a nice chicken dinner with a side of mashed potatoes, and maybe some broccoli, you realize that you have gone so far past your skill set. Take a deep breath. Go for the classics.

By far the easiest food to make as a college student is sauteed vegetables over rice. (Note: I mean microwaved rice. Do not go anywhere near non-microwavable rice. You will fail. Please don’t.)

Literally, all you need for sauteed vegetables are cut-up vegetables and oil. The vegetables do not need to be cut in a specific way. The oil need not be fancy. Do not make this more difficult than it should be.

If you are lacking vegetables, I’m sorry to tell you, but you’ve already failed. Just go to Bear’s Den. But if you are lacking oil, you may be tempted to find a substitute. First, you’ll try water, but once it evaporates you’ll remember a) ninth grade science and b) why you’re a humanities major. Second, you may be tempted to try milk. Resist the temptation. The milk will curdle and burn. It will smell, and you will have none left for your cereal when you inevitably fail.

2. If you want to make pancakes, remember all of the ingredients

Full disclosure: I’ve messed this one up before. In things related to baking, every ingredient is crucial. This isn’t that paper that you have to have written in the next two hours, but you haven’t read the book so you just kind of bulls— you’re way through the SparkNotes and then get an A for effort because sometimes Wash. U. is a bit like an elementary school. No, if you try to B.S. your way through pancakes, you will end up with rubber discs that are only slightly more edible than dog treats.

You will eat these sad pancakes anyway because you have dug your grave, and now, you must wallow in it. You can’t even burn the pancakes out of spite because they don’t have the ingredient in them that allows them to burn. These pancakes are just a sad participation medal in the game of life that you have failed.

3. Do not decide to bake fish and then forget to take the fish out of the oven so that you just have a semi-baked fish rotting in your oven for upwards of two months because that will just end up smelling and bringing bugs to the apartment which in turn will lead to you having to charge into your apartment—sans clothes, Raid cans a-spraying—in a fight to the death with these invading bugs who are only here because you just can’t remember to take your dang fish out of the oven.

This one seems pretty self-explanatory.

4. Do not invest in a meat gun

You may have developed a love affair with Taco Bell while working your high school job of valeting cars, and the only food that was available when you got off work at one in the morning was the ubiquitous fast food chain. You may have thought the meat gun that they fill their tacos with was perhaps the most ingenious invention ever created and that there is no reason every American household should not have said meat gun installed in their home.

While I admire your dedication to the craft of small and soggy tacos, this is a truly terrible idea. Meat guns have their well-documented problems not the least of which is the increase in gun control advocacy in this country that has limited their production. Also, the meat hasn’t always been regarded as actual meat. Even if you may not be disturbed by the 88 percent meat figure, others do prefer their meat to be fully meat and not just a majority.

However, if you never plan to see other people again and have the means to acquire a black market meat gun, by all means go ahead and invest. Meal planning will be a breeze for the rest of your college days. Also, those 2 a.m. cravings will be so easily satisfied.

5. Just buy a bigger meal plan

Honestly, if you made it to the end of this list, you’re beyond saving. Cooking just isn’t for you. Go onto WebSTAC, and upgrade your meal plan. They say platinum is just for athletes, but I’m sure you can convince them that your needs are great enough.