Is it just me or are the freshmen getting smarter this year?

No, I don’t mean smarter as in less prone to heading to frat row in packs of 20. I don’t have any reason to believe that their common sense quotient has risen at all, especially from my lofty vantage point of senior year. I may have been just like them three years ago, but who still remembers that?

I mean more accomplished, more likely to have done research, completed internships, won national and international competitions—you know, all the things students have traditionally waited to do until after Orientation.

So I’m a little worried about them. What if they’re superhuman college application robots who have no idea how to make the most of college? What if they join 30 student groups, burn out by sophomore year and end up forced to transfer to the University of Wisconsin? Clearly someone needs to save them from themselves. (Or save the rest of us from worldwide domination. You’ve seen the robot movies.)

I believe that we wise upperclassmen must take it upon ourselves to educate these youngsters, to teach them that the new “Paws and Go” should be called Bear Mart, that they need not pick extracurricular activities based on what might look good on a resume, and that a reasonable dose of mistakes and exploration never ruined anyone’s college career.

To assist you with your instruction, I offer the following Wash. U. fable. Once upon a time, before Bear’s Den had stir-fry, an eager young freshman arrived at Wash. U. Let’s call him “’11.” At this point in his first semester, little ’1l’s college experience was blur of free shirts, freshmen floor bonding and few worries.

Then the adventures began. ’11 failed his first test. Yet he still managed to pass the class and thus learned a lesson about perspective.

Not long after, ’11 began to realize that while he hated General Chemistry, he was quite intrigued by Lady Gaga 101. He considered ditching his lifelong dreams of doctorhood. When the world did not immediately swallow him up upon thinking these treacherous thoughts, he decided to follow his new passion instead. Years later, he would become a well-respected Gaga-ist.

’11 continued his exploration into extracurricular activities. He tried a variety of new things, some weird, some meaningful. By senior year, he held leadership roles in the groups he was most passionate about and found that the rest did not fit on his resume.

After four years of trial, error and happy memories, ’11 made it to senior year. Our now wise and mature ’11 was able to avoid his worst cardboard box fears and landed himself a job.

Okay, so that last paragraph might not be for the freshmen. Still, there you go. Take this instructional tale, head down to Epcot (you know you’ve been looking for an excuse to try out the new Bear’s Den anyway), and teach these newbies everything they really need to know.