Manuel Lopez | Staff Illustrator

It’s Welcome Week. After a night of partying, your roommate brings home a “special friend.” It’s the first week of school, so you haven’t really hashed out the details of what to do when one of you wants to freak it. You awkwardly wander the halls after getting kicked out, thinking to yourself, “Is this what college is going to be like? Should I move out? Should I be freaking it with someone right now too? What do I do?!?!?!?!” 

Don’t worry, we are here to help. If you’re interested in shaking the sheets in college, we can guide you through the common pitfalls that come with making sweet sweet love away from home. If you have no interest in having sex at this point in your life, that is also totally normal! Not everyone is having sex all the time, even if it feels like that. A lot of people haven’t even had their first kiss before coming into college. If this is something you’d like to explore, go at your own pace and go in with an open mind. 

College sex lives aren’t all glitz and glam either. Awkward sexual encounters are a quintessential part of college. Whether it means getting kicked out of your room, having sex on a hammock, or walking in on your naked roommate in a compromising position, most of us have experienced weird sex stuff. Rest assured, most people shouldn’t worry about constant sexiles. However, before you start copulating, it’s best that you talk to your roommate and potential partners about your sexual expectations and boundaries. If you are interested in having sex, here are some important reminders and communication tips. 

Communication 

When choosing to have sex, communication makes for a better experience for all the parties involved. Communicating wants and needs throughout a sexual experience significantly increases the odds that they are taken care of. This does not just mean communicating during sex but also before and after. Starting an open and honest dialogue surrounding sex early on lays the groundwork to speak up later on if you are uncomfortable or want a change. If you are not feeling ready to have those conversations, that is a good sign that you are not ready to be having sex.

Another crucial aspect of clear communication is an open discussion about potential sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and the last time you and your partner were tested. While having an STI does not mean you can no longer have sex safely, discussing that information beforehand ensures people can make a choice about what is best for them in the relationship. 

Talking about sex should go beyond conversations with your partner — talking with your roommate is also a necessity. It can be difficult to bring up sex-related boundaries to someone that you only recently met and are trying to build a new friendship with. In your roommate conversations, broach the topic openly. You and your roommate might have very different sexual histories, and that’s totally normal — go in with an open mind and make sure not to shame any experiences. 

Here are some points that might be important to address: 

• How comfortable are you with someone sleeping over?
• How much notice is needed before someone stays over or before bringing a “special friend” over? 
• How frequently can a guest come over? What’s too often?
• Are you ok with being kicked out? 
• If you are comfortable leaving the room while your roommate has sex, how long are you willing to be out of the space? 
• Are there any hard nos? 
• What is permissible while the other person is in the room? 
• Are there any days/times that are off limits? 
• How do you want to communicate that you want space in the room?  
• Is there a difference between expectations surrounding sex and frequency of visits with hookups vs. a partner?  
• How do you feel about noise levels? 
• Can guests use any shared items? 
• Are there expectations around introducing the sexual partner to the roommate? 
• Is PDA OK at all? 
• Is communication expected every time, even if the roommate will definitely not be in the room?
• How do you want to communicate that you are having sex to your roommate? Sock? Tie? Hanger? Text? 

One way to keep the communication open with your roommate is to have frequent check-ins, maybe every month. Just like consent in sex, people’s boundaries and preferences can change, so it’s necessary to keep each other up to date on how each of you are feeling, especially as the semester progresses and relationships develop.

Boundaries and Consent 

Thinking about your personal boundaries before having sex is essential to having healthy and safe sexual encounters. You must also consider your partner’s boundaries, which can only be expressed through clear communication and consent. 

One common barrier to consent is different sobriety levels. While having sex when drunk is never the best idea, if you do plan on doing so, discuss what you want to do and how far you are willing to go beforehand so you can both be on the same page. If you think you are going to be having sex with someone while drunk, it can also be good to have that conversation while sober so no boundaries are crossed. No matter what, remember that consent needs to be given before a sexual experience,it can be taken back at any point, and it’s best to keep that communication open during sex. 

You should also establish sexual boundaries with your roommate. Sex might happen, so you and your roommate should be on the same page about what to do if one of you gets a hankering for a spankering. If you are having issues with those boundaries, reaffirm them by talking to your roommate. If the problem persists, speak to your RA to try and find a solution. You are well within your rights to set firm boundaries and for being frustrated if they are not respected. 

If you want to have sex in your room, be mindful of when you are kicking out your roommate, the frequency, and for how long you are kicking them out. Dorm rooms serve as a home away from home, so make sure you are not making your roommate feel uncomfortable in your shared space and that they have equal access to the room. 

While having sex anywhere in college, think about who you might be impacting. Ensure you are not only respecting your room but also other spaces on campus.

Expectations

When setting boundaries and thinking about your college sex life, it’s also important to consider your “sexpectations” to make sure you and those around you are comfortable with your sexual habits. Considering what you are comfortable with is the first step to success. Ask yourself questions like how far you want to go, if you are comfortable having sex with someone who is seeing other people, and how long you want to see someone before having sex. What you are comfortable with may change over time; regular reflection helps ensure that you don’t end up in situations you might regret. 

When engaging in self-reflection, remember that everyone has different sexual preferences and sexual activity. No matter what sexual choices you make, there is nothing wrong with you. There is no such thing as being “behind” or “ahead” when it comes to sexual experience. Adhere to your own timeline and do not bother with comparing yourself to peers. 

Beyond thinking through your own expectations, discussing expectations with whomever you plan on having sex with helps ensure both of you are comfortable. Everyone has different sexual experiences and setting expectations early on makes everyone’s experience more enjoyable. 

Another part of sex in college is thinking about your roommate by discussing sexpectations within your room. While a lot of scenarios may be unlikely, set expectations to prepare for the worst. Be honest with yourself about how comfortable you are with confrontation if things get out of hand. If you walk in on your roommate having sex with someone, are you going to shut the door and run away or interrupt the lovemaking?

If confrontation isn’t your style, come up with a contingency plan, such as a friend’s room to crash in or a study room to do homework in. Make sure you grab all essentials, including chargers, before getting kicked out. Maybe you could use that time to hang out with other friends and catch up on your favorite TV show! 

Positivity (don’t shame)

No matter where you are in your sexual journey, recognize that you are going to encounter peers with all different levels of experience and expertise handling the topic. Sex, and the conversations surrounding it, can be uncomfortable or scary for some people and it is important to not shame those around you. 

You also should avoid shaming yourself! You are likely to run into awkward sexual situations in your own life; just remember that everyone has them and they do not define you.

All this to say: be respectful in all things relating to sex. Having a sex life in college can be fun and exciting, but make sure that sex does not harm any other aspects of your college life, and that you are always taking into consideration all who are affected by your decisions. No matter what your college sex life looks like, it’s important to honor your own expectations, boundaries, and preferences and enjoy all the new experiences you are having. Have fun and be safe!