Whenever I look at the comments on any one of the many articles that have come up about the new Missouri legislation HB 573, my stomach twists and my heart stops. I have no clue why I choose to torment myself by reading them, other than the urgent and overwhelming need to make the commenters understand what so many of us are going through, to make them see the error of their ways. The onus to fight for Title IX and change people’s opinions should not be on survivors.

I am exhausted. Survivors are exhausted. But I desperately want to explain the necessity of the current Title IX regulations to the people writing about how they think women are prone to lying and that it unjustly crucifies men (by the way, not all survivors are women and not all assailants are men). Those who have experienced sexual violence should not have to be the ones constantly putting in the emotional labor to combat the stigma around reporting assault and fighting for our Title IX rights. We should not have to persistently put our mental well-being in harm’s way and display our trauma to the world in order to spark change.

I no longer want to confront people who are convinced that Title IX is weighted unfairly against the respondent (the accused) by delving into my story. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do and required so much sacrifice of my own mental and physical health to get any semblance of justice. I do not want to explain to them anymore that “preponderance of the evidence” is the same standard of proof as civil cases in court and other student conduct cases in colleges. A higher standard of proof would not make the process anymore “fair,” as these are not criminal

proceedings with criminal consequences. “Preponderance of the evidence” means that the complainant and the respondent’s words are weighted equally and put them on equal footing. These are already intensive investigations that take months and require evidence.

The quote by Benjamin Franklin that says, “it is better one hundred guilty persons should escape than that one innocent person should suffer” concerns the legal system. There is a reason that no one can be sentenced to jail without the standard of proof “beyond reasonable doubt,” but this is because the consequence is imprisonment. There is no outcry of “innocent till proven guilty” in a civil court when someone is suing for millions of dollars, or when a student is expelled from a university for cheating. So why is it that suddenly everyone becomes an expert on standard of proof when it comes to sexual assault on campus?

I should not have to explain that I did not go to the police until it was too late to get a rape kit because I was confused about what had happened to me, and by the time I did go to report and give my statement, there was nothing they could do for me. I should not have to justify my rapist’s expulsion to strangers that think they know my case from the little they hear online. Due process is paramount, and it is not absent from this process. Complainants do not just get to point a finger at the accused and demand a punishment. That’s not how it works. I should not have to explain that multiple witnesses described my alcohol tolerance, the drastic change in my behavior after it happened, or the fact that an impartial panel unanimously believed me and found enough evidence. I should not have to explain the sheer terror of waking up with someone inside of me. I am utterly burnt out. This is the last time I will be baring my trauma to the world and begging people to understand the dangers of the proposed Title IX changes, because I can’t keep hurting myself by trying to change it.

The experience of the exhaustion that comes with survivorship is not mine alone. Many survivors of sexual violence put themselves through the wringer and confront toxic ideas head on in order to change minds. It might be effective, but it damages our mental health, because we are directly confronting people that do not believe us. So I make one last plea: allies, please show up and fight for us. The 15 minutes of fame that Title Mine had might be gone, but the issues have not. Continue to stand up for our Title IX rights and work to change the minds of the ignorant, even when it is no longer “trendy.” Allyship is not conditional, and you cannot pick and choose to defend it only when it’s convenient for you. We need allies to defend survivors’ rights to their friends, to their family, and to strangers.

We are depending on you.