With talks of the seemingly imminent closing of Etta’s Cafe in the Sam Fox School of Design & Visual Arts—and no new alternative eateries in sight—our staff has come up with some suggestions for the soon-to-be hot dog-less art and architecture students. To all of you artsy folk, we salute you.

Dirt

As all of Washington University knows, one thing the University can guarantee to all its students is construction, construction and more construction. With the East End expansion starting up this summer, Sam Fox students should consider themselves lucky that they have such a viable food source so close to home. Dirt is basically edible, right? It’s got, like, nutrients or something. I took Environmental Biology last semester so I think I know what I’m talking about. Instead of the food pyramid, they can trade up and use the vastly more helpful soil texture triangle for all their dietary needs. Just think of all those mounds of hot Missouri clay and layers of sandy loam just waiting to get eaten. —Aidan Strassmann, Senior Forum Editor

A kayak

A kayak. No, not food from Kayak’s Cafe. An actual kayak. I’m sure that one kid from your freshman floor on the crew team can hook you up with a boat. It might not be real food, but let’s be honest: There’s no way a kayak tastes worse than Danforth University Center pizza. —Ella Chochrek, Editor in Chief

Styrene

In April 2016, the College of Architecture claimed it was planning to ban the use of styrene, a white plastic used for building models, by the fall. Why? It is “reasonably anticipated to be a human carcinogen,” according to the National Toxicology Program. Fortunately, styrene is also “reasonably anticipated to fill the howling void of your empty stomach” by at least several desperate Sam Fox students. As carcinogens go, its flavor is slightly better than formaldehyde and slightly worse than that crispy char on grilled meat. Surely you can find some stashed away in a corner of studio. Don’t let its intimidating crunchiness discourage you—it’s probably lovely blended up into a nutritious shake along with some balsa wood, or melted as a non-dairy cheese substitute on model pizza. The possibilities—much like your imaginations, you talented art and architecture students!—are limitless.
—Maddie Wilson, Staff Writer

Art

You are what you eat, as the saying goes—that’s why art students should fill the Etta’s void with art itself. All you artists have been pouring your heart and soul into your work—now pour your work into your stomach. The best thing about my proposal is that there’s already a supply of artwork on campus just gathering dust, waiting to be devoured by hordes of starving Sam Fox students. Within months, I predict that the Kemper Art Museum will be Ibby’s 2.0. People will line up to pay 12 meal points for a bite of a Pollock (or a glass of Sangria). Not only will Kemper be a new campus hot spot, it will have enormous educational value. If you’re serious about learning, there is no excuse for not crumpling up a Picasso and cramming it down your throat. So stop crying over Etta’s, Sam Fox kids—and get hype for Kemper’s. —Jen McLish, Staff Writer

Use magic

The engineering school students are literally right there. It’s up to the art school students to enlist a few of them to create a way for the art students to turn drawing pencils into scones or clay into a nice bowl of pasta. As a special bonus, maybe Communication Design students will even be able to point at a picture of food on the screen in front of them and have it appear right before their eyes! How? Obviously, the easiest way is magic. It can happen—I swear it can. I’m ready for my letter now.
—Noa Yadidi, Managing Editor

MREs

If I had to make a bet, I would think there’s a chance that the entire Sam Fox school will have at least one microwave next year. Actually, I take that back; for all we know, Wash. U. might just remove all eating-related infrastructure over at the art school before we’re all gone. So in that case, I’m going with the safest bet for a good food option: MREs (Meals Ready to Eat). Prepackaged with a flameless heater (science is crazy these days, folks), MREs are the brilliant solution for art students stuck in long studios or for those feeling really adventurous and just wanting to punish their taste buds with the delicious flavors that come in a traditional MRE. Highlights include “Chicken with Egg Noodles,” “Chili with Beans” (and, somehow, a side of cornbread) and even a meal called, “Chicken chunks.” What could possibly go wrong? —Peter Dissinger, Staff Writer

Each other

No one else has the guts to come out and say it, so I guess I will. Two words: Hunger Games. They just all eat each other. (I know that’s not what the hunger games are, but shh.) They fight to the death, cook the dead, have a nice roast with the dead. The job market wants tougher art majors anyway, which is a well-known fact; so let’s let some artificial natural selection make it easier for all of us. If they’re vegetarian, then they can eat the trees or the grass or something outside of the art school. Or they could just walk like 10 minutes to the DUC, but that’s a little extreme. —Sean Lundergan, Staff Writer