2016 is the year of bad things. America somehow managed to elect two barely tolerable political candidates (and for a startling number of people voting third party, not at all tolerable). Whispers Cafe is going to be under construction until spring 2018. Halloween falls on a Monday. In the spirit of Bad Things Nobody Wants To Talk About, our staff came up with a list of potential political costumes you can wear to a ~lit~ and probably nonexistent Monday-night party to ensure that everybody will hate you (more than they already do).

Go as yourself: A nasty woman

You’re nasty, and not in the “Miss Jackson” way. You woke up for this party an hour after it was slated to start, with that nice, gluey feeling in your eyes that happens when you “accidentally” sleep with your contacts in. You are out of toothpaste, and you’re out of clean underwear (again). Turn those skivvies inside out and put on your favorite pair of damp-smelling jeans and a sweat-stained sweater. If they can’t handle you at your worst, they don’t deserve you at your best. Hillary Clinton managed to turn the insult “Nasty Woman” into a major campaign tenet, so why can’t you? After a few Natty Lights, you’re certain to attract a few millennials, too.
– Sarah Hands, Senior Forum Editor

A Hillary Clinton Email:

Yeah, I know this one sounds super obvious, but you can’t have a good Halloween party without acknowledging the elephant in the room. The actual costume contains a ton of caution tape and envelopes stuck through the tape that act as individual emails (some should have massive “CONFIDENTIAL” signs plastered to the front). At the party, you have to spend the first few hours by yourself in the corner, hiding your deep dark secret from everyone. After everyone is sufficiently enjoying themselves, your friend has to announce to the world your scandal and you have to claim your innocence to everyone. In the remaining part of the party, you and your spin team (your friends at the party), constantly swat people away from looking at your emails and give vague explanations for the email scandal. The goal: Don’t let too many emails out, and if the WikiLeaks team shows up, make sure to tell everyone you’ve done nothing wrong.
– Peter Dissinger, Forum Editor

Voter fraud

Unlike voter fraud, this costume is much easier to pull off than you might think. Walk into the party in the attire of your choice (maybe sweatpants—we’re not judging). Now leave the party. Don’t change anything. Walk back in again and claim that you’re an entirely different person. This may require you spend the rest of the night answering to a pseudonym. It is very probable that nobody will really understand what you’re trying to accomplish with this costume. That’s fine! Tell them you’re drawing attention to the widespread problem of people trying to attend Halloween parties twice. When you’re met with blank stares and told that literally only a microscopic number of people even try to do that, just start yelling and demanding that everyone show you their government-issued ID.
– Maddie Wilson, Managing Editor

Vermin Supreme

The costume itself is pretty simple. All you need is an oddly-patterned or fur coat, the beard from a “Sexy Hagrid” costume, six or seven America-themed ties and a single rubber boot. Supreme, a performance artist and activist in his fourth campaign for president, has promised to pass a law requiring people to brush their teeth, which explains the obnoxiously large toothbrush you’ll need to get your hands on. Make sure to walk around and remind people that first, you saved your mother’s life with your kidney, and second, if you win, you’ll get everyone a pony. Basically, you’ve been successful if you’re the biggest troll at the party.
—Noa Yadidi, Editor-in-chief

Elizabeth Warren

In the sea of Hillary Clinton- and Donald Trump-themed costumes that are likely to emerge, you need to make yourself stand out. And how better to do that than to dress as one of Hillary’s most ardent (well, sometimes) supporters and one of Trump’s biggest haters? Recruit a friend to be Hillary and dress in those matching blue pantsuits that everyone was talking about for a hot sec. Or, if you’re not too concerned about political correctness, emulate Trump’s tweets about Warren and throw on that Pocahontas costume that all of your friends thought was too offensive for you to wear. Nothing says Halloween like double meanings and mild cultural appropriation!!! -Ella Chochrek, Copy Chief