Election Issue 2024
Democrat vs Republican Fantasy Football lineups

(Charlie Wang | Staff Illustrator)
Every year, Congressional Democrats and Republicans face off in a baseball game (Republicans lead 46-42 games all time). This got us thinking — what if we did something completely different and unrelated? So, Student Life sat down to craft football teams of Republicans and Democrats from past and present, and we’re here to show you the lineups and our predictions for America’s real pastime.
The Teams
Democrats
Walk out song: “Only the Young,” Taylor Swift
Quarterback: John F. Kennedy*
The quarterback is the face of the team, and there are few better faces in politics than JFK’s. This is a man who knows how to handle pressure and times of crisis, so this feels like an easy choice at QB1.
Running Back: Lyndon B. Johnson
Hailing from the football Mecca of Texas, Johnson will barrel down the middle. Standing 6 feet, 3 inches and 210 pounds, “Landslide Lyndon” is going to pose problems for the GOP defense.
Wide Receiver: Andrew Jackson
At 6 feet, 1 inches and the founder of the Democratic Party, Jackson would be an excellent choice for wideout. Especially given his ability to avoid injury (he lived the second half of his life with a bullet lodged in his chest from a duel he won), we might even see him win game MVP.
Center: Grover Cleveland
Weighing in at 250 pounds, Cleveland was known to his friends as “Big Steve.” It’s safe to say Kennedy will have plenty of time in the pocket — finally, someone who might protect him.
Defense/Special Teams: Franklin Delano Roosevelt Administration
FDR had to defend the country from multiple adversaries — an ailing Great Depression economy and the Axis powers after the attack on Pearl Harbor. Succeeding on both fronts, we’re trusting FDR to come up with the necessary schemes on defense.
Head Coach: Tim Walz
Duh.
Republicans
Walk out song: “God Bless the U.S.A,” Lee Greenwood
Quarterback: Ronald Reagan
An extremely influential president, Reagan and his media-trained answers would charm fans. Having played football at Eureka College, Reagan has the experience the GOP needs. We suppose we’ll have to see if his trickle-down offense can distribute the ball equally.
Running Back: Herschel Walker
Is this allowed? Even if he has no idea how to run a political campaign, man can he run the football.
Tight End: Teddy Roosevelt
Elected president at the spry age of 42, Teddy Roosevelt frequently went on big game hunting expeditions and even boxed for Harvard. This wealth of experience provides him the bruising toughness necessary to play tight-end.
Wide Receiver: Abraham Lincoln*
The party of Lincoln will benefit from his lanky 6-foot-4-inch frame, eating up grass and making the field look small.
Defense/Special Teams: George H. Bush Administration
This is a star-studded lineup. Colin Powell, Condoleezza Rice, and, of course, Dick Cheney will be absolute weapons of mass destruction on defense — that is, if there really are any.
Center: Donald Trump
Though he might take some issues with refereeing decisions throughout the game, Trump is going to be the guy to rally the team with some locker-room talk. If he gets himself thrown out of the game, we’ll put in Gerald Ford, who played center for the University of Michigan.
Head Coach: Dwight D Eisenhower
Ike became a 5-star General and organized the attack on Normandy during WWII before he was elected president. If he can rally the Allies to stage a comeback and take back Europe, he should be able to motivate his boys at halftime.
*Asterisks indicate captains.
Money Line: GOP -110
Student Life doesn’t think that the Dems will have an answer to Herschel Walker. The only way we see them making this game close is if the offense can stay consistent. However, a couple of swing plays could determine the outcome of the game all on their own
Venue: Northwest Stadium outside Washington, D.C.
Where better to host than our nation’s capital? Formerly known as FedEx Field, Northwest Stadium offers a good look at the state of our nation — pipes bursting, railings breaking, no dividers between urinals — and is thus the perfect venue.
Officiating Team
Led by head referee Chief Justice John Roberts, the nine Justices of the Supreme Court will put down the gavel and pick up the whistle to provide “nonpartisan” officiating (right?).
Commentators
Tucker Carlson will join Anderson Cooper in the booth, with the tandem providing color commentary and play-by-play analysis. Tucker will be co-streaming on X (once he has solved the technical difficulties) due to a recent split with ESPN.
Trophy: The nuclear football
God help us all.
Who do you have winning? Fill out this form and let us know.