If there’s anything longer than Washington University’s full name, it’s the line it takes for me to get to our auspicious, historical Olympic bleachers on a Sunday.

Sup f—ers.

College is all about finding yourself—finding your future, yes, but also finding out who you are. In my opinion, Wash. U. students need to redirect where they are looking for themselves.

I won’t waste time with the pageantries folks. We’ve got a parking problem on our hands.

Campus has been buzzing over the recent __________ (NOUN) that __________ (VERB) last week. __________ (EXCLAMATION)!

For the first time this semester, cheering could be heard from the Tao Tennis Center, as a lost tour group became a sellout crowd for the Washington University men’s tennis team’s match against North-by-Northwest Central Missouri State this Tuesday.

In a move hailed by Chancellor Mark Wrongton as “necessary because [they’ve] been hurt before,” the Washington University administration has added a new stipulation to the contract of the incoming athletic director. Effective Thursday afternoon, Tony “Alphabet” Azema must be secured to his desk in the Athletic Complex either by wrought iron chain or rope during business hours.

Washington University is losing another key athletics figure to the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign.

Realizing that many more students have hundreds of extra meal points than those who need them, an anonymous sophomore known only by the pseudonym “Paws” started a student body-wide initiative to make use of these excess points.

Student Libel Editor-in-Chief and junior Nola Yodaddy announced to her staff that she will leave the newspaper to join St. Louis’ new Major League Soccer team.